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I Like To Think Of Myself As The Chris Benoit Of The Movie Industry, Capable Of Taking Any Picture And Carrying It To Box-office Success. Take Garden State, Without Me That Would Have Just Been Two Hours Of Portman Doging.

-Zach Braff

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I Like To Think

Zach Braff

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I Like To Think Of Myself As The Chris Benoit Of The Movie Industry, Capable Of Taking Any Picture And Carrying It To Box-office Success. Take Garden State, Without Me That Would Have Just Been Two Hours Of Portman Doging.

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It Was Really Starting To Get Pathetic, Everyday They Would Come In Looking For One Thing Or Another. 'zach, Can You Give Me Some Acting Tips?' 'zach, Will You Let Me Blow You?' 'can I Have Some Cash?' That's When I Made The Call, That's When I Decided Seven Was Enough

I'm Really Not One To Brag, But I Think My Job Is One Of The Most Important Things Someone Can Do With Their Life. I Mean, It Really Gives People A Chance To Live Outside Their Means Through Someone Else's Vision. And I Think That's Something Really Great That I Can Give Back To The Community. Sure I Could Be A Doctor Or A Lawyer, But Do They Really Help Anyone? Sure You Can Save Someone's Life, But Can You Really Change It For The Better? I'm Not Saying Their Jobs Aren't Important, Just Not As Important As Mine.

A Lot Of People Consider 9/11 To Be A Tragedy, And In Some Ways It Is, But I Think There's Also Opportunity For A Lot Of Humor There.

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

I Figure It This Way - If A Woman Claims She Didn't Want Me To Fudge Her, Then You Already Know She's A Liar. So What The Hell's The Point Of A Trial, Y'know?

Working On 'scrubs' Made Me Feel Guilty Because I Realized That If I Had Decided To Become An Actual Doctor, Instead Of Just Playing One, I Could Probably Have Found A Cure To Cancer Within Five Years.

Yeah I Thought About Making The Character Of Jd Gay... But Then I Thought, But What About All The Poor Girls Dreams You'll Be Crushing

So, Yeah, I Mean, There Is Something Universal About That Feeling - That 20-something, What The Hell Am I Going To Do With My Life, I'm Lost And My Parents Are Freaking Me Out, And What's The Point? Every Generation Has A Way Of Making That Unique, But There Are Certain Universals Of That Feeling.

She Can't Say No If She's Unconscious.

I Don't Mind It If Blacks Want Equal Rights, As Long As They Mean Rights Equal To A Dog

The Problem With Doing Commercials Is That The Only Thing Good Enough For Me To Sell Is Myself, And I Stopped Doing That Once I Kicked My Coke Habit.

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

It's Always Weird Being The Only White Person In A Group. It Feels Like Everyone's Looking To Me For Guidance.

That Hugh Laurie Show Is Nothing But Scrubs Fan Fiction.

I Know That [mike] Tyson Talked About Wanting To Eat His Opponent's Children, But I Don't Think He Ever Had The Balls To Do It. I'm Different - When I Kidnapped Bill Lawrence's Daughter, I Cut Off All Of Her Fingers Before Sending My Demands So That I Wouldn't Have To Sit There And Wait For Him To Ignore Them. We Worked Things About About Nine Hours In, Which Is Good Because I Ate Her Thumb As A Midnight Snack.

I Had A Dream Once. I Wanted To Do A Line Of Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass. That's When I Realized, 'hey, I'm Freakin' Zach Braff.' I Did It The Next Morning.

Sure, It Was Terrible And All, But You Have To Ask Yourself: If The Whole City Was Flooded, Why Couldn't They Just Swim To Safety?

I Could See Why Someone Would Want To Make A Website About Me, And My Quotes. They Are All Gold. How Many People Have Written, Directed And Starred In Their Own Movies. I Just Don't Know Why They Would Want To Put Words Into My Mouth, I Mean I Did Write, Direct And Star In A Critically Acclaimed Movie.

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

Now That 'scrubs' Is Over, People Seem To Feel More Comfortable Telling Me That I Was A Total Douche To Them For The Past 8 Years. And The Whole Time I'm Thinking, 'who Are You?'

Honestly, The Only Way Garden State Could Have Been Better Was If I Played Every Character. I'm Awesome.

I Just Don't See How Anyone Can Hate America. I Mean, Crap, I Live There. What More Do You Need?

I Have No Desire To Make Money Off Musicians. I Just Want To Promote Them Because I Want To Share Music.

I Really Like Just Super Dry Comedy.

I'm A Big Proponent Of 'don't Ask, Don't Tell,' In Fact, I Enforce It Strictly On All Of My Dates. First, I Don't Ask Them For Sex, And Then I Warn Them Not To Tell Anyone After I'm Through.

My Favorite Meal? It Has To Be Furburgers Everyday In The Morning.

When You Win Your First Grammy, It's True, You Really Want To Thank All The Little People.

In My Opinion, One Of The Biggest Drawbacks About Sergio Leone Films Are The Scores Composed By Ennio Morricone. If [leone] Were As Talented As I Am, He Would Have Made Mixtapes For His Movies Instead Of Letting Some Schmuck Write The Soundtracks For Him. But Then If He Were As Talented As I Am, He'd Be Zach Braff. And Have His Own Grammy.

Incognito Mode? What Do They Have To Hide? Zach Braff Doesn't Have Anything To Hide - Zach Braff Lays It All Out There For Everybody To See. That Is Zach Braff's Secret To Zach Braff's Success.

I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

To Say I Live A Cursed Life Is An Understatement. I Have To Get Up Every Day And Work With People Who Are Not As Successful As Me Nor Will They Ever Be As Successful As Me. Nobody Knows The Struggles I Go Through.

I Guess Sometimes God Just Needs To Laugh

They Say The Number On Rule In Showbusiness Is Not To Work With Animals. I Guess I'm Above The Rules Because I Put Up With That For Seven Years.

I Think Slavery Was An Awful, Awful Period In Our History, But When I Look At What's Become Of Black Culture Since Emancipation, I Think You Have To Admit, Maybe The Confederacy Was On To Something

Of Course I Don't Use My A-material, It Doesn't Matter If They Think I'm Funny Or Not Because They Won't Be Thinking Anything Pretty Soon Anyways, If You Caych My Drift.

I Was Mad When I Heard The Amazing Race Wasn't About White People.

I Use The N Word Almost Daily. It Reminds Me That I'm Successful

I Love 'scrubs.' It's The Best Day Job In The World.

Its Not That I'm In Love With Myself, I'm Just Trying To Pick Up Everyone Else's Slack.

Sometimes I Regret Not Being Catholic. I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good Saint.

It Has Been Pretty Much Downhill Ever Since The 13th Amendment

What Else Could I Tell Them? I Like My Women Like I Like My Whiskey: 12 Years Old And Mixed Up With Coke.

I Don't Have Anything Against This Jesus Guy, But Has He Written, Directed, And Starred In His Own Movie?

If God Wanted Women To Be Treated Equally To Men, He'd Have Given Them Penises.

It's Not That I'm Racist Or Anything, Because I'm Not, But I Just Don't Think We Should Be Wasting Our Time Helping People That Are Going To Die Soon Anyway.

I Mean, So What If It's A Little Dangerous? A One-armed Kid Is Comedy Gold.

First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

I Don't Think Restaurants Should Refuse To Serve Minority People. They Are Quite Tasty When Prepared Correctly.

I've Always Preferred Marvel Over Dc. I Just Relate To Their Characters Better. I Mean Look At Wolverine, At First He Was Just A Bit Player In An Ensemble Cast. Now He's The Only Reason People Read X-men. Just Like Me And Scrubs.

I Certainly Do Not Consider Myself The Next Jesus. I'd Say He Was More Of A Precursor To Zach Braff.

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I'm Sick Of People Saying I Hate Blacks, Women, And Gays. It's False And Slanderous. Everyone Who Knows Me Knows I Hate The Chinese.

I Mean, Nobody's Ever Thrown A Big Rock At Me Or My Friends, But We're All Pretty Tough Guys And Could Probably Handle It.

I'm Sure Lots Of Actors And Creative People Go Through This, Where You Have Some Weeks Where It's All Going According To Plan And Some Weeks Where You're Super Frustrated.

It's Really Hard To Find Parts That Challenge Me As An Actor These Days. At This Point In My Career, I Feel Like I Can Just Sleepwalk Through Most Of My Roles And Still Do A Better Job Than 90 Percent Of The Actors Out There.

I Always Encourage Over-tipping If You Can Afford It Because Share The Wealth.

They Say That Guys Who Like Chick Flicks Tend To Do A Little Better With The Ladies. Well, I Invented The Chick Flick, So You Can Pretty Much Guess Where That Leaves Me.

I Like To Drop In On People Who Picked On Me In High School Or Whatever, Just Out Of The Blue, And Chat With Them To See How They Think Of Me Now That I'm A Big Star. Usually They're A Lot Nicer. After About Half An Hour, I Excuse Myself To Go To The Bathroom, And Leave A Few Dvds Or Pictures There. Then When I Come Out, I Say Good-bye And Leave. Then I Call The Cops.

Over Half A Century On And They're Still Complaining About It. Compare It To The Fact That Garden State Didn't Win An Oscar And They Seem A Little Petty If You Ask Me. I Guess That Just Goes To Show What Kind Of People They Really Are.

People Are Always Saying Bad Things About Them, But Really They Think They're Just Trying To Clean Up Our Planet. I'm Not Saying It's Right But, You Know, We Could All Benefit From Following That Example.

Hitler Had The Right Idea. He Was Just An Underachiever.

Everyone Has A Warped Vision Of Hollywood And What Success In Hollywood Is Like.

The Only Women I Publicly Date Are Those Who Have A Higher Imdb Rating Than Me.

I Mean, What's Eleven Million People Now Days?

Yeah, I Saw The Guy Running Out Of The Building Carrying A Rifle, I Just Didn't Say Anything To The Cops Because I Was So Happy That I Wasn't The One Who Got Shot.

If Global Warming Is Such A Bad Thing, Then Why Is It Taking Out All Of Mankind's Competitors? It Just Seems To Me That The Less Species Are Out There, Killing All Our Caribou, The Better.

It's A Good Thing I'm A Professional And Could See The Pure Genius Talent Behind The Raw Sexual Beauty.

It Used To Be That You Came Out Of School, And You Got Married - Those Who Were Going To Get Married. But My Peers Are Getting Married In Their Early 30s, So Now There's Like This Extra 10 Years Of That Angst.

Ya Know, Hitler Was This Evil, Evil Man. But With The World Bank And Israel Manipulating America, He Might Have Been On To Something.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

Minutes To Learn, A Lifetime To Master. People Just Don't Understand That

Without Me, Scrubs Would Be Worse Than The Holocaust. But With Me In It, It's Turned Into The Lolocaust.

It Turns Out Superman Is Weak To Kryptonite And Horses.

So I Was At The Gas Station The Other Day, And I Saw That There Was Braille On The Pumps. I Don't See How They Can Cater To Blind Drivers. I Mean, There Are Certain Rights You Should Lose Once You Lose What Makes You A Person.

Am I Really Gonna Deny Someone The Opportunity Of A Lifetime Just Because They Met Me 5 Easters Early?

I Procrastinate So Much And I Get Distracted By Anything.

Procrastinating

I Did Theater For A Few Years While I Was In New York, But It Was Tough Having To Perform Scripts Worse Than What I Knew I Could Write.

It Depresses Me When People Expect Me To Be Like The Characters I Play On Film. I'm Not Some Whiny Loser Punk, I'm A Man's Man.

I've Always Wanted To Have Kids Of My Own, It's Just Tough Finding A Woman I Wouldn't Be Wasting My Dna On.

When I Let Some Girl Take Me In Her Mouth I Think This Is What Jesus Must Feel Like During Communion.

You Always See Actors Complaining About Being Typecast And Ruining Their Career. Really, I Don't See The Point In Complaining. If The Only Role You Can Play Well Is A Black Dude, You're Never Going To Get Ahead In This Town, And You Should Just Accept It.

Yeah, I've Banged Some Female Costars. I Swore I'd Never Tell Their Names, So Instead I'll Present Some Anagrams: Sahar Clahke And Haether Gharam.

I Actually Did Ponder Doing The Brad Pitt/angelina Jolie Thing And Get A Kid From Ethiopia. But You Know, I Already Have An Ashtray.

At First, I Didn't Really Care If Global Warming Existed. But Then I Realized It Means That Less Bums Would Freeze To Death In The Winter

People Are Always Going To Find Fault With Anything You Do, Any Process That You're A Part Of. The Creative Process Means Taking Risks, I've Taken Risks And I've Made Mistakes, But The Bottom Line Is, Could Anyone Else Have Done Any Better ? I Have To Believe That What I Created Was Worthwhile.

In April 1975 I Was Born And The Vietnam War Ended. I Could Not Let Any American Die In War Before Seeing An Episode Of Scrubs.

Sure, They Are The Future Of Our World. Nike And Reebok Need More Factory Workers Every Day.

Put God And Me In A Cage, What Do You Think Who Will Win. God, Because I Created Him.

The Only Real Difference Between Hookers, Stippers, Sluts And Regualar Women How Many Times You Can Hit Them Before They Cry. Hookers Can Really Take A Punch, I'll Tell You That Much.

People Have Always Wondered What My Opinion On Stevie Wonder Is. I Say If He's So Great How Come He Can't See? I Mean, God Doesn't Make Mistakes, Just Look At Me For Example.

I Don't Know Why People Were So Upset With Me. Prince Got His Own Symbol. I Just Wanted To Adopt The Handicap Symbol As My Own So I Could Park In Handicap Spots. Deformed People Should Be Honored To Park So Close To Me. Meeting A Celebrity Like Me May Give Them Hope In Their Mistake Of A Life.

People Ask Me, 'did The Fame Come Too Fast? Do You Ever Wish For Your Old Life?' I Always Tell Them That There's Nothing On Earth Better Than Being Famous.

My Dog Has A Cough. If You've Never Seen A Dog With A Cough, I Recommend Trying To Find One. It's Hilarious.

I'm Not Saying Eating Babies Should Be Legal, But When They're So Delicious, What's The Harm In It? I Don't Know What Tastes Better, Their Innocence Or Their Gooey Rib Butter.

I'm Hanging Out With My New York Friends, My Jersey Boys, My Family And Loving Every Single Second Of It.

Some People Just Can't Handle That They Will Never Be A Better Actor Than Me

When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

It's A Really Fun Hobby To Set Imagery To Music, And Finding The Right Songs For That. Your Favorite Song In The World Might Not Work At All... For One Reason Or Another.

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

I Really Don't Give A Care, I'm Going To Live For Ever

It's Not That I Think The Nazis Were Right, Or Anything. It's Just That, We Weren't There, We Don't Know.

I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

My Job As An Actor Has Inspired Generations Of Children To Become Doctors. My Job As A Writer Has Opened Up The Minds Of Millions. My Job As A Director Has Produced Masterpieces That Will Be Taught In Film School For Ages.

I Heard About The Dalai Lama, You Know And I Thought To Myself, Why Not Me?

Bigger Than The Beatles? Well, How Many Grammys Did They Win? Exactly, None, Yet I Have One, And I've Never Even Released A Cd.

I Always Liked The Story Of Noah's Ark And The Idea Of Starting Anew By Rescuing The Things You Like And Leaving The Rest Behind.

Whenever I'm Feeling A Bit Down, I Always Visit The Local Children's Hospital. Knowing That Those Cancer-kids Wont Be Able To Live Long Enough To Surpass Me In Fame Just Warms My Heart, You Know?

Ever Since I Was Little It Was Programmed Into Me That London Is Where Great Theatre Occurs And All The Big Shows You Love Start There.

I Don't Belive Oprah's Sexual Abuse Stories, I Mean Who Would Take A Black Girl When There Are Plenty Of White?

A Kid Came Up To Me The Other Day And Said, 'hey, You're The Guy On Scrubs!' Kid, I Am Scrubs, And Don't You Forget It.

I Mean, I'm A Writer, Actor, And Director. Not To Rock The Boat Or Anything, But Compare That To A Carpenter And, In The End, Who Is The Better Man?

I'm Not Sure When Or Why The Tabloid Angle On Me Was Decided That I Am A Cad. I Would Have Much Rather It Had Been That I Am Secretly A Dentist Or That I Love Soup.

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

I Think We Have To Acknowledge That People Are Different And Succeed At Different Things, First Of All. Men Are Better Than Women At Some Professions Like Firefighting, Construction Work, And Physics. But Women Are Better Than Men At Some Professions, Too, Like Elementary Teaching, Prostitution, And Giving Birth. Who's To Say Which Is More Important?

If John Mccain Were Really A War Hero He Would've Won Vietnam.

It's Just Gods Way Of Getting Babies To Heaven Faster!

In New York, We Tip Everyone. We Tip Doormen, We Tip Cab Drivers, And We Tip Bartenders At The Bar. You'll Get Quite An Evil Eye If You Don't Leave A Tip At The Bar.

I Like The Punch Beggers And Panhandlers When They Ask Me For Change. I Feel Like I Am Doing My Part To Clean Up The Streets.

Is 'garden State' The Next 'citizen Kane'? Of Course Not. I'd Like To Think We Aimed A Little Higher Than That, Frankly.

The Greatest Charity You Can Contribute To Is Yourself. Instead Of Spending A Dollar To Help Feed Hungry Children, Why Not Spend That Dollar On Hair Gel So You Can Get The Perfect Cowlick?

I Was Excited About The Dark Knight Until Heath Ledger Gave Away The Ending, Batman Always Wins.

I'd Like To Think That My Scripts Are More Significant Than Maybe The Bible Or The Book That The Jews Use, Whatever It's Called. And That's Only When I'm Having An Off Day.

Complete Garbage. It's Like Garden State, But In Outer Space.

Lots Of People Were Giving Me Flak When I Made The Deal To Do The Very Last Season Of Scrubs For $350,000 An Episode. When Really I'm The One That's Being Cheated, Because The Writer's Strike Is Keeping Me From All The Money That I Could Be Making. I Need To Eat, Too.

I Love The Holiday Season, Almost As Much As I Love Touching Myself In Front Of Orphans.

A Lot Of People Say Colonialism Was 'evil' Or Whatever, But What Have They Really Done With Africa Since We Gave It Back To Them? I Don't Think It Should Be Considered 'racist' To Admit Maybe Ending Apartheid Did More Harm Than Good In South Africa.

I Can't Say I Agree With Something That Takes The Focus Away From Me.

I Think The Saddest Moments In Life Have Humor In Them. I Have A Memory Of Coming Home From A Funeral With My Family In The Back Of A Limousine And Someone Cracking A Joke And Us Just Hysterically Belly Laughing. It's How We Always Dealt With Tragedy In Our Lives And I Think It's Such A Healthy Way To Deal With Sadness.

Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love The Idea Of Killing Unwanted Babies, It's Just That The Idea Of Letting Women Make A Decision Doesn't Sit Well With Me.

Now, I'm Not Going To Be Misquoted On This Like I Have Numerous Times Before, So I'll Be Quite Clear. I've Never Said Hitler Was My Hero, Just That If He Had Focused On More Than One Race He Would Have Had The Right Idea. Try To Turn That One Against Me.

It's Funny When I Read The Tabloids And They're Reporting On Only A Fraction Of The Life I'm Leading.

I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

Maybe That's All That Family Really Is, A Group Of People Who All Miss The Same Imaginary Place.

I Blame Walt Disney; Well He Has To Find Voice Actors Better Than Me Somehow Doesn't He?

Everyone Has An Idea That They Think Would Be A Great Movie. Everyone Has A Cousin Who They Think You Should Work With.

I Really Don't Know Why We Need A Whole Month Dedicated To Blacks. It's Not Like They're The Only Ones That Suffered. I Mean, What About Us Whites? We're The Ones That Have To Deal With These Monkeys Everyday, But You Don't See Us Demanding A Whole Month To Ourselves.

One Time I Considered Making A Video Game About My Life Where People Control A Character Called 'zach Braff' And Run Around Being Awesome. Then I Realized That Getting To Pretend To Be Me Would Be Like Shooting Up Heroin For Anyone Who Played It, And I Don't Want That On My Conscience.

I'm Not Actually An Arrogant Guy. It's Just That, Truthfully, Nobody Else Can Really Compare To Me.

I'm Not Saying I Hate Jews, I'm Just Saying That I Think They Shouldn't Be Alive Any More.

You Know, I've Occasionally Tried To Watch Other Shows Besides Scrubs, But Comparing Them Is A Bit Like Me Competing In The Special Olympics. Obviously I Would Win Without Contest, But The Point Is That They Are Trying Their Best.

Most People Just Aren't Grateful For The Lives They Have, And It Really Saddens Me. For Instance, I Said 'hello' To A Man The Other Day, And He Didn't Even Recognize Me. It Just Really Saddens Me.

Women Are Like Parking Spots, The Best Ones Are Handicapped.

It Really Is Fascinating Stuff, And I've Picked It Up On Scrubs. Memorizing Lines Is At Least As Hard As Studying A Text Book, I Mean, By This Point I Know About As Much As Most 'real' Doctors.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

I'm Grown Ass Man And Grown Ass Men Can Do Whatever They Want, Got It?

The Thing About Hitting Kids Is, Think About If You Were Doing The Same Thing To Another Adult. Hitting Your Kid Is Really The Same As Hitting Your Employee Or Wife, And The Issue Become Pretty Clear When You Think About It That Way.

The Biggest Problem I Had With Starring In Scrubs Were The Black Doctors. I Just Had To Keep Telling Myself This Show Was Satire.

Im Just Not Really Attracted To Black Chicks.

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

Yea, I Had A Dream Too. Looks Like Mine Came True.

Prohibition Didn't Work, So Why Should Emancipation Work? I Think We Should Just Stick With A System That Has Proven To Be Effective.

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

It Raises Several Serious Questions. For Example, How Can There Possibly Be More Than One Person As Awesome As Me?

Turning Water To Wine? I Mean C'mon, That's Stupid. They Should Have Let Me Write The Bible.

When Things Seem To Be Slowing Down, There's This Little Trick I Like To Play. I'd Plow This Virgin Who's On Her Period, And After I'm Done I'd Just Run Out Into The Living Room, Or The Dance Floor, With All That Bloody Goop On My Junk And Yell, Oh My God, I've Been Shot In The Nads! Yeah, Good Times.

Probably The Most Memorable Even Of My Life Is When I Was Born. It Really Made Me Who I Am. If I Die, I Hope To Go Out The Same Way I Came In, But I Don't Think My Mother Would Be Into That.

I Find My Movie Props In My Neighbors Houses.

I'm 26 Years Old, And I've Spent My Whole Life Waiting For Something Else To Start. Now I Realize That This Is All There Is, And I'm Going To Try To Live My Life Like That.

I Really Do Take More Vacations Than The President. You Can Quote Me On That.

I Like Hot Dogs. I Like Eggplant. I Like Pizza And Creamed Corn And Beer. But I Don't Like Arabs.

When I Was Little I Always Wanted To Drive A Train. That, And Become A Baker.

I Had A Very Funny Family.

I Think In A Play It's Wise To Just Sit Back And Watch Other Actors And Be Able To Shape It From The Audience.

People Still Make New Year's Resolutions? Wow. I Figured Those Were Pointless Once I Perfected Myself By Directing, Writing, And Acting In Garden State. I Guess It Makes Sense, Though. It Gives People A Chance To Hope That They Can Become As Great As Me Someday.

Once Both Gay Marriage And Marijuana Are Finally Legal, Those Of You Against Them Are Not Invited To The Really Fun Parties I'm Gonna Throw.

I Never Looked At Bread The Same Way Again

I Want To Take Piano Lessons, I Want To Study At University, I Want To Travel, I Want To Do Other Parts, Make Another Movie.

Well I Can Understand Why Men Want It To Be Legal. Obviously They're All Hoping They Might Get To Marry Me Someday. I Hate To Burst Their Bubble, But They Should Just Give It Up Now. Zach Braff Doesn't Sway That Way, You Know?

I'm Not Gay, But I'm Still The Kind Of Guy Where, Even Though You Have No Chance, They Still Want To Hang Around Me So You Can Get A Good Mental Image And Jerk Off To Me Later.

One Time A Reporter Asked Me What My Worst Quality Was. I Looked Him In The Eyes Then Punched Him In The Face. I Kind Of Felt Bad About It Later, But He Didn't Need To Be Rude.

Look On The Bright Side; That's One Bullet That's Not Going To Hit Me.

I Love Signing Autographs! Sometimes, When People Ask Me For One, I Keep The Photo For Myself And Frame It. It's A Win-win Situation Really; I Get An Extra 25 Dollars In My Pocket And Another Portrait For My Bedroom.

My Co-stars Aren't Bad Actors, But They're No Zach Braff.

I Don't Like The Term 'black People', I Find It Demeaning To Those Of Us That Actually Qualify As 'people'.

The Best Way To Travel Abroad Is To Live With The Locals.

It's All About Being A Part Of Something In The Community, Socializing With People Who Share Interests And Coming Together To Help Improve The World We Live In.

So For Front-runners We Have A Black And A Woman. It's Like Being Made To Choose Between Syphilis Or Having And Old Man Crap On Your Face. I Would Do The Country A Favor And Run Myself But I Couldn't Deprive Hollywood Of Me For 4 Years.

Compared To My Talents, Whoopi Goldberg Is Like One Of Those Fake Plastic Buddhas You Get At Dollar Stores. I Mean Really, I Fail To See The Humor In An Overweight Negro Woman With Dreadlocks, No Eyebrows, And Is Named After A Childish Term For Flatulence.

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

If It Were Up To Me, It'd Be Outlawed. I Mean, Come On. Zach Braff Was Born Streamlined, And That's How It Should Stay!

People Compared Garden State To The Graduate, But When Was The Last Time You Saw Dustin Hoffman Doing What I Do?

The Way I Write Is That I'll Actually Have A Conversation Out Loud With Myself. In A Weird Way, I Just Kind Of Get Schizophrenic And Play Two Characters.

I Lot Of People Remember When That Kid Spray-painted My Brand New Porsche For Punk'd. That Was Pretty Funny. He Got Me Pretty Good. Of Course, Most People Don't Know I Eventually Got Him Back With My Own Show. I Call It A Show, Really It's Just An Hour-long Video Shot In My Bedroom Featuring The Two Of Us.

It's A Give And Take Relationship With My Fans. They Give Me Love And Adoration, And I Take It From Them.

When I First Moved To L.a., I Thought About Turning Gay. Then I Realized None Of The Guys I Was Interested In Was Good Enough For Me.

I Think Sports Are Very Beneficial In The Fight Against Obesity. I Remember Playing Little League - I Was The Best Person On The Pitch By A Long Shot. It Was Only Last Weekend Actually, I Think I Have Some Photos Of It If You're Interested.

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

A Child's Death Is Really Of Less Value Than An Adult's. I Mean, What Could You Really Accomplish In A Year? Not Much, And That's Not Even Talking About, You Know, Pay-wise.

I've Always Tried To Learn From The Greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... It's Just That There's This Tremendous Pressure To Correct All The Things They Got Wrong.

You Want To Know The Secret Of My Success? Let Me Tell You About Eugenics.

The Fact That 'scrubs' Is So Popular In Israel Is Very Important To Me. I Feel Like I'm Helping To Cancel Out The Thousands Of Years Of Oppression The Jewish People Have Suffered.

I Had No Interest In Sports So I Didn't Make Friends In That Traditional Way Where Kids Are In Public School And They Go And They Join Clubs, And Play Sports. So I Kind Of Had To Find My Own Way To Make Friends And Get Attention And So I Just Was The Class Clown.

If Nothing Else, I'm Making A Movie That I'll Enjoy.

When I Was Told They Wanted The Show To Be About Doctors, I Was A Bit Reluctant To Sign On, You Know? I Thought, Why Have A Show About Doctors When We Could Have A Show About The Real Heroes, You Know, Like Me?

Yeah, The Gay Pride Movement Is Precious And All, But I Think It's About Time We Asked Ourselves What Gay People Really Have To Offer To Society.

The Jews Are Just Clumsy Bakers.

Every Single Person Wants To Do It, Don't Hate Me Because I Had The Guts To Follow My Heart!

In A Perfect World, Everybody Would Be Gay. I Mean If Everybody Looked Like Zach Braff, You Just Wouldn't Be Able To Resist.

I Don't Ask Questions. I Just Figure The Extra Warm Days Are God's Way Of Rewarding Me For Garden State

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Giovanni Pico Della Mirandola

Princess Margaret

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