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When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

-Zach Braff

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When I Played The

Zach Braff

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When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.

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I Think Sports Are Very Beneficial In The Fight Against Obesity. I Remember Playing Little League - I Was The Best Person On The Pitch By A Long Shot. It Was Only Last Weekend Actually, I Think I Have Some Photos Of It If You're Interested.

I Went To Film School And Wanted To Learn Everything There Was About Making Movies.

I Heard About The Dalai Lama, You Know And I Thought To Myself, Why Not Me?

I Don't Think It's That Bad, I Mean, I Love People Following Me Around And Helping Me Do Stuff.

I'm Not Actually An Arrogant Guy. It's Just That, Truthfully, Nobody Else Can Really Compare To Me.

People Have Always Wondered What My Opinion On Stevie Wonder Is. I Say If He's So Great How Come He Can't See? I Mean, God Doesn't Make Mistakes, Just Look At Me For Example.

The Greatest Charity You Can Contribute To Is Yourself. Instead Of Spending A Dollar To Help Feed Hungry Children, Why Not Spend That Dollar On Hair Gel So You Can Get The Perfect Cowlick?

It's Funny When I Read The Tabloids And They're Reporting On Only A Fraction Of The Life I'm Leading.

If I Wasn't An Actor? Hmm, I'd Probably Be A Serial Killer. I'm Just So Damn Likeable, No One Would Ever Suspect Me.

I'm A Film Geek Man. I Love Toys. I Love Everything In Filmmaking, So For Me To Just Be Around This Technology Is Just So Cool To Watch It Being Used For The First Time, Some Of The Stuff.

The Thing About Hitting Kids Is, Think About If You Were Doing The Same Thing To Another Adult. Hitting Your Kid Is Really The Same As Hitting Your Employee Or Wife, And The Issue Become Pretty Clear When You Think About It That Way.

Sometimes, I Go To Barnes & Noble With The Sole Intention Of Moving All Copies Of The Bible To The Fiction Section.

I've Always Wanted To Have Kids Of My Own, It's Just Tough Finding A Woman I Wouldn't Be Wasting My Dna On.

Most People Just Aren't Grateful For The Lives They Have, And It Really Saddens Me. For Instance, I Said 'hello' To A Man The Other Day, And He Didn't Even Recognize Me. It Just Really Saddens Me.

Well, I'm Not Saying That America Is A Bad Place Or Anything. I Just Think 9/11 Needed To Happen Sooner Or Later.

I Could See Why Someone Would Want To Make A Website About Me, And My Quotes. They Are All Gold. How Many People Have Written, Directed And Starred In Their Own Movies. I Just Don't Know Why They Would Want To Put Words Into My Mouth, I Mean I Did Write, Direct And Star In A Critically Acclaimed Movie.

I Don't Even Like The Show That Much, I Mean, It's About Doctors. It's Not Like Doctors Are As Important As Actors Anyway, I Bet I've Saved More Lives With My Acting Talent Then Any Doctor Has.

The Biggest Problem I Had With Starring In Scrubs Were The Black Doctors. I Just Had To Keep Telling Myself This Show Was Satire.

I Mean, So What If It's A Little Dangerous? A One-armed Kid Is Comedy Gold.

They Say That Guys Who Like Chick Flicks Tend To Do A Little Better With The Ladies. Well, I Invented The Chick Flick, So You Can Pretty Much Guess Where That Leaves Me.

I Like To Drop In On People Who Picked On Me In High School Or Whatever, Just Out Of The Blue, And Chat With Them To See How They Think Of Me Now That I'm A Big Star. Usually They're A Lot Nicer. After About Half An Hour, I Excuse Myself To Go To The Bathroom, And Leave A Few Dvds Or Pictures There. Then When I Come Out, I Say Good-bye And Leave. Then I Call The Cops.

I'd Really Like To Give Back To The World, But Everything I've Achieved, I've Earned On My Own, So What's The Point?

My Mother's A Psychologist, My Stepfather's A Psychologist, My Stepmother Is A Therapist And My Dad's A Lawyer. So It Was All Prominent In My Life. I Don't Know Anyone Who Doesn't Know Someone On Some Form Of Prescription Medicine.

I Really Don't Know Why We Need A Whole Month Dedicated To Blacks. It's Not Like They're The Only Ones That Suffered. I Mean, What About Us Whites? We're The Ones That Have To Deal With These Monkeys Everyday, But You Don't See Us Demanding A Whole Month To Ourselves.

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

Don't Get Me Started On Cold Toilet Seats.

The Only Real Difference Between Hookers, Stippers, Sluts And Regualar Women How Many Times You Can Hit Them Before They Cry. Hookers Can Really Take A Punch, I'll Tell You That Much.

Every Time I See A Child Walking Down The Street I Like To Trip Them. While They Look For Their Missing Teeth, I Personally Remind Them That No Matter How Hard They Try I Will Always Be Better Than Them.

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

My Co-stars Aren't Bad Actors, But They're No Zach Braff.

A Child's Death Is Really Of Less Value Than An Adult's. I Mean, What Could You Really Accomplish In A Year? Not Much, And That's Not Even Talking About, You Know, Pay-wise.

I Once Looked In The Mirror At Myself And Noticed That, Without A Doubt, I Am A Sexy Man. In Fact, I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married...it Just Wouldn't Be Fair For My Spouse To Catch Me Enjoying A Look In The Mirror More Than Having Sex With Her.

You Know, I Think There Should Be A Zach Braff Day. We Could Have It On December 25th And Then People Can Decide Whether They Want To Celebrate Me Or Jesus. If You Ask Me, The Choice Is Pretty Obvious.

Minutes To Learn, A Lifetime To Master. People Just Don't Understand That

I Don't Think That Other Races Are Inferior, I Just Think That There's Something Special About White People. Sometimes, When I Think About All The Things White People Have Accomplished Throughout History, I Smile, And I Nod, And I Think To Myself, 'yeah, I'm Glad I'm On That Team.'

It's Not That I Think The Nazis Were Right, Or Anything. It's Just That, We Weren't There, We Don't Know.

I Believe The General Consensus Is The Bigger It Is, The More Women Flock To You. I Guess Its A Good Thing Mine Is Huge!

In Theater Or Movies You See Either 'i'm Religious' Or 'i'm An Atheist.' I've Never Seen Too Much Discussion Of 'i Believe There's A Higher Power But I'm Hesitant To Reach Out To Him Because I Don't Know If I'm Worthy Of His Attention.

It Raises Several Serious Questions. For Example, How Can There Possibly Be More Than One Person As Awesome As Me?

People Are Always Saying Bad Things About Them, But Really They Think They're Just Trying To Clean Up Our Planet. I'm Not Saying It's Right But, You Know, We Could All Benefit From Following That Example.

I Don't Think Restaurants Should Refuse To Serve Minority People. They Are Quite Tasty When Prepared Correctly.

That Hugh Laurie Show Is Nothing But Scrubs Fan Fiction.

The Fact That 'scrubs' Is So Popular In Israel Is Very Important To Me. I Feel Like I'm Helping To Cancel Out The Thousands Of Years Of Oppression The Jewish People Have Suffered.

I Really Don't Give A Care, I'm Going To Live For Ever

Seriously, When's The Last Time You Saw Me Wear Shorts?

It's A Give And Take Relationship With My Fans. They Give Me Love And Adoration, And I Take It From Them.

People Keep Asking Me Whether I'm Going To Vote For Obama Or Mccain In The Election. But I'm Like, Why Bother? There Will Never Be Another Leader As Good As He Was.

It's Not That George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, God Made Hurricanes, Not People Who Can't Swim.

I'm Always Being Told By Directors That I Add Chemistry To Scenes, So I Mean How Difficult Could It Be?

Sure The Jews Killed Jesus, But The Guy Was An Awful Carpenter

I Don't Know Why People Were So Upset With Me. Prince Got His Own Symbol. I Just Wanted To Adopt The Handicap Symbol As My Own So I Could Park In Handicap Spots. Deformed People Should Be Honored To Park So Close To Me. Meeting A Celebrity Like Me May Give Them Hope In Their Mistake Of A Life.

You Want To Know The Secret Of My Success? Let Me Tell You About Eugenics.

I Think The Saddest Moments In Life Have Humor In Them. I Have A Memory Of Coming Home From A Funeral With My Family In The Back Of A Limousine And Someone Cracking A Joke And Us Just Hysterically Belly Laughing. It's How We Always Dealt With Tragedy In Our Lives And I Think It's Such A Healthy Way To Deal With Sadness.

Complete Garbage. It's Like Garden State, But In Outer Space.

You Know How They Do That Effect In Movies, Where They Make It Look Like You Have A Twin, But It's Really Just The Same Actor Playing Both Characters In The Scene? I Knew This Would Be The Best Route, But I Just Wasn't Comfortable Dressing As A Woman, So I Had To Hire Other Actors.

I Mean, I'm A Writer, Actor, And Director. Not To Rock The Boat Or Anything, But Compare That To A Carpenter And, In The End, Who Is The Better Man?

I've Always Tried To Learn From The Greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... It's Just That There's This Tremendous Pressure To Correct All The Things They Got Wrong.

I Never Go Easy On Kids When I Play Board Games. The Sooner They Learn What The Consequence Of Entering A Competition Is, The Better. If They Win, I Punch Them In The Face Like Any Adult.

Well I Can Understand Why Men Want It To Be Legal. Obviously They're All Hoping They Might Get To Marry Me Someday. I Hate To Burst Their Bubble, But They Should Just Give It Up Now. Zach Braff Doesn't Sway That Way, You Know?

I'm Hanging Out With My New York Friends, My Jersey Boys, My Family And Loving Every Single Second Of It.

I Mean, Personally, I Would Have Had No Problem Surviving. Come On, How Hard Is It To Swim?

I Know The Bible Isn't Real Because It Never Once Mentions Me.

I Was Originally Casted To Be In The Superman Movie But I Read The Script And Realized That It Was Mysteriously Similar To My Screenplay For Zach Braff The Movie.

If Nothing Else, I'm Making A Movie That I'll Enjoy.

When I Let Some Girl Take Me In Her Mouth I Think This Is What Jesus Must Feel Like During Communion.

Prohibition Didn't Work, So Why Should Emancipation Work? I Think We Should Just Stick With A System That Has Proven To Be Effective.

I Can't Watch The News Anymore. They Have Their Priorities All Out Of Whack. All I See Is Natalee Holloway And Britney Spears And The War In Iraq. Where's The Substantive News? Where's The Zach Braff Coverage?

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

Honestly, The Only Way Garden State Could Have Been Better Was If I Played Every Character. I'm Awesome.

I Donno, It's Not Impressive. Once I Put Ear Plugs In And Put A Blind Fold On For Like 14 Minutes And I Did Just Fine.

I Lot Of People Remember When That Kid Spray-painted My Brand New Porsche For Punk'd. That Was Pretty Funny. He Got Me Pretty Good. Of Course, Most People Don't Know I Eventually Got Him Back With My Own Show. I Call It A Show, Really It's Just An Hour-long Video Shot In My Bedroom Featuring The Two Of Us.

I Know That [mike] Tyson Talked About Wanting To Eat His Opponent's Children, But I Don't Think He Ever Had The Balls To Do It. I'm Different - When I Kidnapped Bill Lawrence's Daughter, I Cut Off All Of Her Fingers Before Sending My Demands So That I Wouldn't Have To Sit There And Wait For Him To Ignore Them. We Worked Things About About Nine Hours In, Which Is Good Because I Ate Her Thumb As A Midnight Snack.

I Think I Suffer From Some Mild Depression.

I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

Am I Really Gonna Deny Someone The Opportunity Of A Lifetime Just Because They Met Me 5 Easters Early?

It's A Really Fun Hobby To Set Imagery To Music, And Finding The Right Songs For That. Your Favorite Song In The World Might Not Work At All... For One Reason Or Another.

People Ask Me, 'did The Fame Come Too Fast? Do You Ever Wish For Your Old Life?' I Always Tell Them That There's Nothing On Earth Better Than Being Famous.

Of Course Killing People Is 'wrong', But I Think History Shows That Sometimes It Serves The Greater Good.

I've Always Preferred Marvel Over Dc. I Just Relate To Their Characters Better. I Mean Look At Wolverine, At First He Was Just A Bit Player In An Ensemble Cast. Now He's The Only Reason People Read X-men. Just Like Me And Scrubs.

Without Me, Scrubs Would Be Worse Than The Holocaust. But With Me In It, It's Turned Into The Lolocaust.

You Know I Was Just Taking A Dump One Day, And Then As I Sat There I Realized, I Really Do Deserve Better.

It Depresses Me When People Expect Me To Be Like The Characters I Play On Film. I'm Not Some Whiny Loser Punk, I'm A Man's Man.

A Lot Of People Say Colonialism Was 'evil' Or Whatever, But What Have They Really Done With Africa Since We Gave It Back To Them? I Don't Think It Should Be Considered 'racist' To Admit Maybe Ending Apartheid Did More Harm Than Good In South Africa.

Retarded Kids Are The Best. When They Ask For An Autograph I Just Fake Sign A Picture And Tell Them That It's In Invisible Ink And It Will Show Up Later. They Totally Buy It. It Saves Me A Fortune In Markers.

If We've Learned Anything, It's That The Combination Of Yellow Smiley Faces And Blue Polyester Vests Are Irresistible To The Inbred.

Yea, I Had A Dream Too. Looks Like Mine Came True.

If Global Warming Is Such A Bad Thing, Then Why Is It Taking Out All Of Mankind's Competitors? It Just Seems To Me That The Less Species Are Out There, Killing All Our Caribou, The Better.

Turning Water To Wine? I Mean C'mon, That's Stupid. They Should Have Let Me Write The Bible.

I Find It Hard To Believe That So Many People Doubt The Existence Of God. I Mean, Seriously, I'm Here, So Is It Such A Stretch To Imagine That Another All-powerful Being Could Exist Somewhere In The Universe?

I Like The Punch Beggers And Panhandlers When They Ask Me For Change. I Feel Like I Am Doing My Part To Clean Up The Streets.

Actually When I Gave Out The Script, I Gave It With A Cd Of All The Music I Wanted To Put In The Movie, And Again, We Never Thought We'd Get All That Music.

I Love Queers As Much As The Next Guy, I Just Don't Think I Should Have To Sit Beside Them On Public Transport.

I'm Not Gay, But I'm Still The Kind Of Guy Where, Even Though You Have No Chance, They Still Want To Hang Around Me So You Can Get A Good Mental Image And Jerk Off To Me Later.

I Like Hot Dogs. I Like Eggplant. I Like Pizza And Creamed Corn And Beer. But I Don't Like Arabs.

For Me, Acting In Scenes With Other People Is Like Playing Soccer With A Bunch Of Legless Five Year Olds. It's Not Really Fair To Them, But What Else Can I Do, You Know?

So For Front-runners We Have A Black And A Woman. It's Like Being Made To Choose Between Syphilis Or Having And Old Man Crap On Your Face. I Would Do The Country A Favor And Run Myself But I Couldn't Deprive Hollywood Of Me For 4 Years.

At This Point I Feel Like I Could Go Out And Accomplish Anything. I'd Just Love To See Will Smith's Face If He Found Out I, Z-braff, Have The Number One Rap Album In The Country. That'd Show That No-talent Uncle Tom.

Maybe That's All That Family Really Is, A Group Of People Who All Miss The Same Imaginary Place.

It's Not Terrible, I Guess, But If Ricky Gervais Was Half As Talented As Me, Maybe The Show Would Actually Be Funny Once In A While.

I Never Looked At Bread The Same Way Again

One Time A Reporter Asked Me What My Worst Quality Was. I Looked Him In The Eyes Then Punched Him In The Face. I Kind Of Felt Bad About It Later, But He Didn't Need To Be Rude.

Every Single Person Wants To Do It, Don't Hate Me Because I Had The Guts To Follow My Heart!

It's Not That I'm Racist Or Anything, Because I'm Not, But I Just Don't Think We Should Be Wasting Our Time Helping People That Are Going To Die Soon Anyway.

Ya Know, Hitler Was This Evil, Evil Man. But With The World Bank And Israel Manipulating America, He Might Have Been On To Something.

I Find My Movie Props In My Neighbors Houses.

I Always Encourage Over-tipping If You Can Afford It Because Share The Wealth.

When You're The Director And The Writer, You Never Have To Remember Your Lines, And There's No One To Call You On It. On Garden State I Did Different Lines On Every Take, Just Making Crap Up. And It Was Great Each Time.

Sure, They Are The Future Of Our World. Nike And Reebok Need More Factory Workers Every Day.

Compared To My Talents, Whoopi Goldberg Is Like One Of Those Fake Plastic Buddhas You Get At Dollar Stores. I Mean Really, I Fail To See The Humor In An Overweight Negro Woman With Dreadlocks, No Eyebrows, And Is Named After A Childish Term For Flatulence.

A Kid Came Up To Me The Other Day And Said, 'hey, You're The Guy On Scrubs!' Kid, I Am Scrubs, And Don't You Forget It.

Over Half A Century On And They're Still Complaining About It. Compare It To The Fact That Garden State Didn't Win An Oscar And They Seem A Little Petty If You Ask Me. I Guess That Just Goes To Show What Kind Of People They Really Are.

It Really Is Fascinating Stuff, And I've Picked It Up On Scrubs. Memorizing Lines Is At Least As Hard As Studying A Text Book, I Mean, By This Point I Know About As Much As Most 'real' Doctors.

I Was Inspired By World Vision. It's Almost Like I Sponsored (donald) Faison And Gave Him An Opportunity To Do Something With His Life. What More Would He Want Than To Work With Me?

I Don't Want To Blame It All On 9/11, But It Certainly Didn't Help Matters.

If I Had A Billion Dollars I Would...oh Wait...already Do.

So I Was At The Gas Station The Other Day, And I Saw That There Was Braille On The Pumps. I Don't See How They Can Cater To Blind Drivers. I Mean, There Are Certain Rights You Should Lose Once You Lose What Makes You A Person.

In April 1975 I Was Born And The Vietnam War Ended. I Could Not Let Any American Die In War Before Seeing An Episode Of Scrubs.

It's Just Gods Way Of Getting Babies To Heaven Faster!

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

I Didn't Necessarily Have A Total Idea When I Was Writing The Movie Of Where Everything Was Going. I Just Wanted To Have Really Realistic Dialogue And Write Like People I Knew Talked. I Tried To Keep It Very Real.

I Remember Once I Went To Go See A Movie, And In Front Of Me In Line There Was A Little Boy Who Looked So Eager To See It, Like It Was Christmas Morning. When He Got To The Ticket Booth It Turned Out There Was Only One Ticket Left; The Manager Was There And Wanted To Give It To Me Instead Since I Was Famous. That's When I Knew I'd Hit It Big.

Eight Gold Medals? If I Wanted I Could Make A Movie About Me Winning Nine Gold Medals. Now That's Real Power.

As A Kid Who Wasn't Into Sports, At School I Felt Almost Alienated At Times, Whereas In The Theatre Community There Was This Amazing Sense Of Camaraderie. Early On, We Would Go To Rehearsals With My Dad And I Was Like The Mascot For The Backstage Crew. That Was A Big Part Of My Childhood, So I Dreamed Of One Day Doing A Play In London.

I Was Stuck In Traffic One Day And Just Kinda Thought It Would Be Funny To Masturbate. It Was Sunny And Clear Out, So I Was Worried One Of The Other Drivers Would See Me, But My Jeep Is Pretty High Off The Ground, So I Think No One Noticed. I Busted A Nut And Aimed It Down, Ruining My Tweety Bird Floor Mat. I Felt Kinda Stupid After And My Mom Kept Silent The Rest Of The Drive Home. It Was Awkward And I Regret It.

I Wouldn't Call Myself A Modern Shakespeare, But Shakespeare Was Probably To His Generation What I Am To Mine.

I Feel Really Bad For Everyone Who Died On 9/11. Not Just The People In The World Trade Center, Pentagon, Or Flight 93, But All Of The Terrorists, Too. 'garden State' Came Out In 2004. That Means None Of Them Got A Chance To See It. Let That Sink In For A Second. No Wonder They're Building A Memorial.

It's All About Being A Part Of Something In The Community, Socializing With People Who Share Interests And Coming Together To Help Improve The World We Live In.

Yeah, The Gay Pride Movement Is Precious And All, But I Think It's About Time We Asked Ourselves What Gay People Really Have To Offer To Society.

What Else Could I Tell Them? I Like My Women Like I Like My Whiskey: 12 Years Old And Mixed Up With Coke.

Women Are Like Parking Spots, The Best Ones Are Handicapped.

I Never Go Looking For Child Pornography, But I Mean, If Somebody Sends Me An Email With Some Pictures, I'm Not Going To Turn Around And Report Them.

When Things Seem To Be Slowing Down, There's This Little Trick I Like To Play. I'd Plow This Virgin Who's On Her Period, And After I'm Done I'd Just Run Out Into The Living Room, Or The Dance Floor, With All That Bloody Goop On My Junk And Yell, Oh My God, I've Been Shot In The Nads! Yeah, Good Times.

Bigger Than The Beatles? Well, How Many Grammys Did They Win? Exactly, None, Yet I Have One, And I've Never Even Released A Cd.

Hitler Had The Right Idea. He Was Just An Underachiever.

I Love The Holiday Season, Almost As Much As I Love Touching Myself In Front Of Orphans.

If God Wanted Women To Be Treated Equally To Men, He'd Have Given Them Penises.

There Is One Person I Can Think Of Better Than Me. And That's Zach Braff. What A Cool Guy.

In My Opinion, One Of The Biggest Drawbacks About Sergio Leone Films Are The Scores Composed By Ennio Morricone. If [leone] Were As Talented As I Am, He Would Have Made Mixtapes For His Movies Instead Of Letting Some Schmuck Write The Soundtracks For Him. But Then If He Were As Talented As I Am, He'd Be Zach Braff. And Have His Own Grammy.

I Was Mad When I Heard The Amazing Race Wasn't About White People.

I Don't Ask Questions. I Just Figure The Extra Warm Days Are God's Way Of Rewarding Me For Garden State

People Always Say The God Father Is The #1 Movie Of All Time. But Ask Yourself, Did You See Zach Braff In It....no You Didn't. So Then By Default It Goes To Garden State..and If Youwatch Two Episodes Of Scrubs Back To Back That Counts As The #2.

I'm A Busy Guy; I Just Get A Lot Of People That Sound Like Me To Go Out And Visit Them. They Don't Know The Difference And, Let's Face It, They Aren't Going To Be Paying To See My Movies Anytime Soon.

Women Have The Right To Choose What Do With Their Own Bodies. They Can Take It In The Cooch Or In The Pooper. But That's Where Their Right To Choose Stops, In My Opinion.

People Are Always Going To Find Fault With Anything You Do, Any Process That You're A Part Of. The Creative Process Means Taking Risks, I've Taken Risks And I've Made Mistakes, But The Bottom Line Is, Could Anyone Else Have Done Any Better ? I Have To Believe That What I Created Was Worthwhile.

Well It's Not That I Hate Them, But Honestly If I Saw Two Homeless People Begging For Money, One White And One Black, And I Only Had One Quarter... Well I'd Probably Keep It Actually.

I'm Not Saying Eating Babies Should Be Legal, But When They're So Delicious, What's The Harm In It? I Don't Know What Tastes Better, Their Innocence Or Their Gooey Rib Butter.

I Had A Dream Once. I Wanted To Do A Line Of Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass. That's When I Realized, 'hey, I'm Freakin' Zach Braff.' I Did It The Next Morning.

You Always See Actors Complaining About Being Typecast And Ruining Their Career. Really, I Don't See The Point In Complaining. If The Only Role You Can Play Well Is A Black Dude, You're Never Going To Get Ahead In This Town, And You Should Just Accept It.

I Can't Say I Agree With Something That Takes The Focus Away From Me.

Some People Just Can't Handle That They Will Never Be A Better Actor Than Me

I Mean, I Understand That Scrubs Was My Big Break, But Sooner Or Later You Have To Move On. I've Already Directed A Movie, Which Received Very Good Reviews, So It Just Seems Much More Important To Me Now. I Feel That In Order To Better Foster My Creativity As An Actor And Director At This Point, I Need To Be Surrounded By Other Talented, Artistic Individuals, Instead Of Just Goofy Comedians.

I've Turned Down A Lot Of Proposed Scripts For Scrubs Episodes, Mainly Ones With Aids Patients. It Sickens Me, Really. If You Don't Want Aids, Don't Be A Ice Cream Man. Or African. I'm Neither And I'm Fine.

I Procrastinate So Much And I Get Distracted By Anything.

Procrastinating

I'm Really Not One To Brag, But I Think My Job Is One Of The Most Important Things Someone Can Do With Their Life. I Mean, It Really Gives People A Chance To Live Outside Their Means Through Someone Else's Vision. And I Think That's Something Really Great That I Can Give Back To The Community. Sure I Could Be A Doctor Or A Lawyer, But Do They Really Help Anyone? Sure You Can Save Someone's Life, But Can You Really Change It For The Better? I'm Not Saying Their Jobs Aren't Important, Just Not As Important As Mine.

They Don't Know I'm Staring, What Does It Matter If I Keep On Doing It?

I'm Not Sure When Or Why The Tabloid Angle On Me Was Decided That I Am A Cad. I Would Have Much Rather It Had Been That I Am Secretly A Dentist Or That I Love Soup.

I'm A Big Proponent Of 'don't Ask, Don't Tell,' In Fact, I Enforce It Strictly On All Of My Dates. First, I Don't Ask Them For Sex, And Then I Warn Them Not To Tell Anyone After I'm Through.

In New York, We Tip Everyone. We Tip Doormen, We Tip Cab Drivers, And We Tip Bartenders At The Bar. You'll Get Quite An Evil Eye If You Don't Leave A Tip At The Bar.

You Always See Black People Complaining About This And That, But You Never See Me Complaining About How Slow They Work On My Plantation.

People Still Make New Year's Resolutions? Wow. I Figured Those Were Pointless Once I Perfected Myself By Directing, Writing, And Acting In Garden State. I Guess It Makes Sense, Though. It Gives People A Chance To Hope That They Can Become As Great As Me Someday.

I Don't Care About Image And All That Nonsense. I'm In Sweat Pants Every Day. I Don't Play The Game At All.

I Actually Did Ponder Doing The Brad Pitt/angelina Jolie Thing And Get A Kid From Ethiopia. But You Know, I Already Have An Ashtray.

I Never Taught A Blind/deaf Chick To Read, But Somehow I've Managed To Turn Scrubs Into A Watchable Show. That May Not Sound Like Much, But Take A Look At My Surrounding Cast And Ask Yourself, Who's The Real Miracle Worker?

I'm By No Means Condemning Prescription Medicine For Mental Health. I've Seen It Save A Lot Of People's Lives.

I Had A Very Funny Family.

She Can't Say No If She's Unconscious.

Sure, It Was Terrible And All, But You Have To Ask Yourself: If The Whole City Was Flooded, Why Couldn't They Just Swim To Safety?

The Success Of 'scrubs' Allowed Me To Pursue Anything I Felt Passionately About Without Having To Worry About Money. It Allowed Me To Spend My Summer Work Shopping My Show At A Nonprofit Theater.

I Want To Take Piano Lessons, I Want To Study At University, I Want To Travel, I Want To Do Other Parts, Make Another Movie.

Now That 'scrubs' Is Over, People Seem To Feel More Comfortable Telling Me That I Was A Total Douche To Them For The Past 8 Years. And The Whole Time I'm Thinking, 'who Are You?'

I'm Not The Kind Of Person Who Digs Through Things Other People Have Thrown Away.

At First, I Didn't Really Care If Global Warming Existed. But Then I Realized It Means That Less Bums Would Freeze To Death In The Winter

I Figure It This Way - If A Woman Claims She Didn't Want Me To Fudge Her, Then You Already Know She's A Liar. So What The Hell's The Point Of A Trial, Y'know?

Lots Of People Were Giving Me Flak When I Made The Deal To Do The Very Last Season Of Scrubs For $350,000 An Episode. When Really I'm The One That's Being Cheated, Because The Writer's Strike Is Keeping Me From All The Money That I Could Be Making. I Need To Eat, Too.

I Wouldn't Exactly Call It 'intelligent', But Somebody Has To Be Behind Designing The Human Form Other Than Just Biological Necessity. Why Else Would Women Have Arms? Or Feet? Or Mouths?

When I Was Little I Always Wanted To Drive A Train. That, And Become A Baker.

Actually, I Stopped Looking At Myself In The Mirror Years Ago. I Wasn't Making It To Work On Time.

I Said, I'm On This Tv Show And I Love Doing It, But I Don't Want To Be Known Always As The Silly "scrubs" Guy... So Part Of Me Was Like, You Know What? Life's Short. Let's Go For It.

Is 'garden State' The Next 'citizen Kane'? Of Course Not. I'd Like To Think We Aimed A Little Higher Than That, Frankly.

I Just Don't See How Anyone Can Hate America. I Mean, Crap, I Live There. What More Do You Need?

People Always Tell Me I Should Run For President, But I Don't Think They'd Give Me Enough Time Off To Make My Films.

Working On 'scrubs' Made Me Feel Guilty Because I Realized That If I Had Decided To Become An Actual Doctor, Instead Of Just Playing One, I Could Probably Have Found A Cure To Cancer Within Five Years.

I Always Liked The Story Of Noah's Ark And The Idea Of Starting Anew By Rescuing The Things You Like And Leaving The Rest Behind.

Some People Just Don't Want To Put In The Effort. I Just Show Up And Say Some Lines And I'm Famous. Anyone Living Below The Poverty Line Just Needs To Shape Up Or Be Shipped Out, You Know?

I Think There Are Bound To Be Obstacles In Any Path To Success. I Mean, I'm Jewish, And There's Nothing I Can Do About That. Instead Of Sitting Around And Feeling Sorry For Myself, I Got Over It And Did Something With My Life.

It Has Been Pretty Much Downhill Ever Since The 13th Amendment

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

Yeah I Saw An Inconvenient Truth, And I Dont Want To Say It Was Preachy But Let's Not Kid Ourselves, I've Got Far More Important Work To Do

I Love Signing Autographs! Sometimes, When People Ask Me For One, I Keep The Photo For Myself And Frame It. It's A Win-win Situation Really; I Get An Extra 25 Dollars In My Pocket And Another Portrait For My Bedroom.

That Cyclone In Burma? That Was Just Me Doing The Dance To That Annoying Ass Song.

I Really Like Just Super Dry Comedy.

I'm Not Lazy, I Drive Everywhere Myself, The Dog Could've Learned Something From Me.

I Think Slavery Was An Awful, Awful Period In Our History, But When I Look At What's Become Of Black Culture Since Emancipation, I Think You Have To Admit, Maybe The Confederacy Was On To Something

The Problem With Doing Commercials Is That The Only Thing Good Enough For Me To Sell Is Myself, And I Stopped Doing That Once I Kicked My Coke Habit.

A Lot Of People Consider 9/11 To Be A Tragedy, And In Some Ways It Is, But I Think There's Also Opportunity For A Lot Of Humor There.

I Have A Great Relationship With My Parents. I Have Not Been On Lithium.

Great Relationship

Probably The Most Memorable Even Of My Life Is When I Was Born. It Really Made Me Who I Am. If I Die, I Hope To Go Out The Same Way I Came In, But I Don't Think My Mother Would Be Into That.

I Stand Stark Naked In Front Of The Mirror And Gaze Directly Into My Own Eyes. I Utter 'good Morning, Handsome' And My Lips Quiver As I Stare At Myown Body. I Don't Break Eye Contact Until I Blow My Load. Not Once Do I Actually Touch Myself.

Look On The Bright Side; That's One Bullet That's Not Going To Hit Me.

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Michelle Branch

Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

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