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I Like Thieves. Some Of My Best Friends Are Thieves. Why, Just Last Week We Had The President Of The Bank Over For Dinner.

-W. C. Fields

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I Like Thieves. Some

W. C. Fields

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I Like Thieves. Some Of My Best Friends Are Thieves. Why, Just Last Week We Had The President Of The Bank Over For Dinner.

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Reality Is An Illusion That Occurs Due To The Lack Of Alcohol.

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Prayers Never Bring Anything... They May Bring Solace To The Sap, The Bigot, The Ignorant, The Aboriginal, And The Lazy - But To The Enlightened It Is The Same As Asking Santa Claus To Bring You Something For Xmas

I Drink Therefore I Am.

I Seldom Took A Drink On The Set Before 9 A.m.

Ultimately Chess Is Just Chess - Not The Best Thing In The World And Not The Worst Thing In The World, But There Is Nothing Quite Like It.

You Can't Cheat An Honest Man.

When You Wake Up In The Morning, Smile - And Get It Over With.

The Nation Needs To Return To The Colonial Way Of Life, When A Wife Was Judged By The Amount Of Wood She Could Split.

I Never Met A Kid I Liked.

If It Is A Joint Return, We Are Instructed To Print The Given Names Of Both Husband And Wife. But Since Some Of The Names That Husband And Wife Give Each Other Are Hardly Suited To Print, We Must Proceed Cautiously.

I Don't Know Why I Ever Come In Here. The Flies Get The Best Of Everything.

I Once Donated A Pint Of My Finest Red Corpuscles To The Great American Red Cross And The Doctor Opined My Blood Was Very Helpful; Contained So Much Alcohol They Could Use It To Sterilize Their Instruments.

I Was Almost Put Out Of Business By A Well-meaning Corpse.

How Is The Human Race Going To Survive Now That The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Two Dollars A Quart?

I Never Drink Water. I'm Afraid It Will Become Habit-forming.

It's A Funny Old World. A Man's Lucky If He Gets Out Of It Alive.

All My Available Funds Are Completely Tied Up In Cash.

My Daughter Wants To Throw A Stone At A Bad Man. I Stop Her From Throwing, Shaking My Head And Giving Her A Little Slap. My Disapproval Is Complete. You Think: 'that's Right, She Shouldn't Throw A Stone Even At A Villain.' Then I Hand Her A Brick To Throw.

A Merry Christmas To All My Friends Except Two.

Yes I Do Like Children ... Girl Children...about Eighteen Or Twenty.

The Best Thing To Break Is A Contract.

Say Anything That You Like About Me Except That I Drink Water.

The Funniest Thing A Comedian Can Do Is Not Do It.

Dentists, Lawyers, Doctors Are All A Bunch Of Thieving Bastards.

I've Been Asked If I Ever Get The Dts. I Don't Know. It's Hard To Tell Where Hollywood Ends And The Dts Begin.

When Asked To Borrow Money: "i'll See What My Lawyer Says. . . . And If He Says Yes, I'll Get Another Lawyer.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Whisky Sours.

Some Things Are Better Than Sex, And Some Are Worse, But There's Nothing Exactly Like It.

I Only Drink To Steady My Nerves... Sometimes I'm So Steady I Don't Move For Months.

If A Thing Is Worth Having, It's Worth Cheating For.

My Main Ambition As A Gardener Is To Water My Orange Trees With Gin, Then All I Have To Do Is Squeeze The Juice Into A Glass.

Some People Are Born Losers; Others Acquire The Knack Gradually.

I Personally Stay Away From Natural Foods. At My Age I Need All The Preservatives I Can Get.

A Man Who Overindulges Lives In A Dream. He Becomes Conceited. He Thinks The Whole World Revolves Around Him; And It Usually Does.

Remember, Lady Godiva Put All She Had On A Horse And She Lost Her Shirt!

I Never Smoked A Cigar In My Life Until I Was Nine

Remember, A Dead Fish Can Float Downstream, But It Takes A Live One To Swim Upstream.

Start Every Day Off With A Smile And Get It Over With.

The Funniest Thing About Comedy Is That You Never Know Why People Laugh. I Know What Makes Them Laugh But Trying To Get Your Hands On The Why Of It Is Like Trying To Pick An Eel Out Of A Tub Of Water.

My Heart Is A Bargain Today. Will You Take It?

Beer: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 3000 B. C.

I Have Spent A Lot Of Time Searching Through The Bible For Loopholes.

I Believe In Tying The Marriage Knot, As Long As It's Around The Woman's Neck

All Englishmen Talk As If They've Got A Bushel Of Plums Stuck In Their Throats, And Then After Swallowing Them Get Constipated From The Pips.

Never Eat At A Place Called 'moms', But If The Only Other Place In Town Has A Sign That Says 'eats', Go Back To Moms.

I'd Rather Have Two Girls At 21 Each Than One Girl At 42.

I Never Worry About Being Driven To Drink; I Just Worry About Being Driven Home.

I Don't Drink Anymore, On The Other Hand I Don't Drink Any Less Either.

Sex Isn't Necessary. You Don't Die Without It, But You Can Die Having It.

Take Me Down To The Bar! We'll Drink Breakfast Together!

Happiness Means Quiet Nerves.

Bert Williams Was The Funniest Man I Ever Saw And The Saddest Man I Ever Knew.

No Man Is Boss In His Own Home, But He Can Make Up For It, He Thinks, By Making A Dog Play Dead.

I'm Looking For Loopholes. (said When Caught Reading The Bible.).

Where There Is A Will, There's Prosperity Around The Corner.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. There's No Point In Being A Damn Fool About It.

There's No Such Thing As A Tough Child - If You Parboil Them First For Seven Hours, They Always Come Out Tender.

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I Have A Poor Memory For Names; But I Seldom Remember A Face.

I Certainly Do Not Drink All The Time. I Have To Sleep You Know.

I Like Children. If They're Properly Cooked.

I Used To Be Indecisive, Now I'm Not So Sure.

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So Long As The Presence Of Death Lurks With Anyone Who Goes Through The Simple Act Of Swallowing, I Will Make Mine Whiskey.

I Like Children - Fried.

Set Up Another Case Bartender! The Best Thing For A Case Of Nerves Is A Case Of Scotch.

I Could Be Stranded In Any Town In The United States With Ten Cents And Within An Hour Make $20 With The Shell Game.

Sleep! The Most Beautiful Experience In Life. Except Drink.

I Exercise Strong Self Control. I Never Drink Anything Stronger Than Gin Before Breakfast.

I Spent Half My Money On Gambling, Alcohol And Wild Women. The Other Half I Wasted.

Wouldn't It Be Terrible If I Quoted Some Reliable Statistics Which Prove That More People Are Driven Insane Through Religious Hysteria Than By Drinking Alcohol.

It's A Wonderful Thing, The D.t.'s. You Can Travel The World In A Couple Of Hours. You See Some Mighty Funny And Curious Things That Come In Assorted Colors.

I Would Rather Be Living In Philadelphia.

I Write My Scripts Short And They Develop On The Set, Which I Have Found A Far Better Premise Both Economically And Practically.

Ain't Fit For Man Nor Beast

Here Is My Best Advice On The Matter Of Deductibles: Just Count Off On Your Fingers All The Items That You Suspect Might Be Deductible - And Then Forget Them, Because They Aren't.

I Must Have A Drink Of Breakfast.

First Prize Was A Week In Philadelphia. Second Prize Was Two Weeks.

The Income Tax Was Devised To Give Lawyers And Certified Public Accountants Business. Few Persons Can Make Head, Tail, Or Middle Out Of It. Einstein Admitted He Couldn't.

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Variant: I Was Driven To Drink By A Woman. I Am Forever Grateful, Yet I Never Had The Good Manners To Thank Her.

The Only Thing A Lawyer Won't Question Is The Legitimacy Of His Mother.

Just Like My Uncle Charlie Used To Say, Just Before He Sprung The Trap: He Said, "you Can't Cheat And Honest Man! Never Give A Sucker An Even Break Or Smarten Up A Chump!

You Can't Trust Water: Even A Straight Stick Turns Crooked In It.

I Ad Lib Most Of My Dialogue. If I Did Remember My Lines, It Would Be Too Bad For Me.

The World Is Getting To Be Such A Dangerous Place, A Man Is Lucky To Get Out Of It Alive.

I Always Keep A Supply Of Stimulant Handy In Case I See A Snake, Which I Also Keep Handy.

Marriage Is Better Than Leprosy Only Because It's Easier To Get Rid Of.

The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Another Dollar A Quart.

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Now Don't Say You Can't Swear Off Drinking; It's Easy. I've Done It A Thousand Times.

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All Things Considered, I'd Rather Be In Philadelphia

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Ye Gads, No! I Couldn't Stand The Noise.

Some Weasel Took The Cork Out Of My Lunch.

I Never Drink Water Because Of The Disgusting Things That Fish Do In It.

My Illness Is Due To My Doctor's Insistence That I Drink Milk, A Whitish Fluid They Force Down Helpless Babies.

It Is Well To Remember That There Are Five Reasons For Drinking: The Arrival Of A Friend, One's Present Or Future Thirst, The Excellence Of The Cognac, Or Any Other Reason

W. C. Fields, A Lifetime Agnostic, Was Discovered Reading A Bible On His Deathbed. ''i'm Looking For A Loop-hole,'' He Explained.

Fields' Reply: He'd Think I Was A Sissy.

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A Woman Drove Me To Drink And I Didn't Even Have The Decency To Thank Her.

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If Pigs Had Wings, They Would Be Pigeons.

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Ah, The Patter Of Little Feet Around The House. There's Nothing Like Having A Midget For A Butler.

I'm Looking For Loopholes.

Horse Sense Is The Thing A Horse Has Which Keeps It From Betting On People.

After Two Days In The Hospital, I Turn To The Nurse.

There Are Better Things Than Sex, But Nothing Quite Like It.

The Movie People Would Have Nothing To Do With Me Until They Heard Me Speak In A Broadway Play, Then They All Wanted To Sign Me For The Silent Movies.

Never Give A Sucker An Even Break.

Abstaining Is Favorable Both To The Head And The Pocket.

No One Likes The Fellow Who Is All Rogue, But We'll Forgive Him Almost Anything If There Is Warmth Of Human Sympathy Underneath His Rogueries. The Immortal Types Of Comedy Are Just Such Men.

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This Job Will Drive Me To Drink, And For That Reason, I Will Be Eternally Grateful.

I Never Drank Anything Stronger Than Beer Before I Was Twelve.

Few Things In Life Are More Embarrassing Than The Necessity Of Having To Inform An Old Friend That You Have Just Got Engaged To His Fiancee.

We Frequently Hear Of People Dying From Too Much Drinking. That This Happens Is A Matter Of Record. But The Blame Is Always Placed On Whisky. Why This Should Be I Never Could Understand. You Can Die From Drinking Too Much Of Anything - Coffee, Water, Milk, Soft Drinks And All Such Stuff As That. And So As Long As The Presence Of Death Lurks With Anyone Who Goes Through The Simple Act Of Swallowing. I Will Make Mine Whisky.

A Thing Worth Having Is A Thing Worth Cheating For.

The Low-ceiling Price Bazaar For Sexual Relief Was A Street Called Middie Alley. You Could Barely Get A Pushcart Through This Avenue. Top Price-twenty-five Cents.

Comedy Is A Serious Business. A Serious Business With Only One Purpose--to Make People Laugh.

The Laziest Man I Ever Met Put Popcorn In His Pancakes So They Would Turn Over By Themselves.

The Work I'm Doing On The Screen Differs From That Of Anyone Else. My Comedy Is Of A Peculiar Nature...no Writers Have Been Developed Along The Lines Of My Type Of Comedy And This Is Why I Sometimes Have Differences With Writers, Supervisors And Directors Alike.

Money Will Not Buy Happiness, But It Will Let You Be Unhappy In Nice Places.

It Is Impossible To Find Twelve Fair Men In All The World.

I'm Free Of All Prejudices. I Hate Everyone Equally.

I Never Eat Before Breakfast.

To Me, These Biblical Stories Are Just So Many Fish Stories, And I'm Not Specifically Referring To Jonah And The Whale. I Need Indisputable Proof Of Anything I'm Asked To Believe.

I've Been Drunk Only Once In My Life. But That Lasted For Twenty-three Years.

The First Thing Any Comedian Does On Getting An Unscheduled Laugh Is To Verify The State Of His .

It's Quite True I'm Not Drinking Anymore; However, I'm Not Drinking Any Less Either.

I Was In Love With A Beautiful Blonde Once. She Drove Me To Drink. That's The One Thing I'm Indebted To Her For.

No Doubt Exists That All Women Are Crazy; It's Only A Question Of Degree.

I Never Voted For Anybody. I Always Voted Against.

I Don't Believe In Dining On An Empty Stomach.

I Feel Like A Midget With Muddy Feet Had Been Walking Over My Tongue All Night.

I Have Been In The Entertainment Business Some Forty-three Years, And I Have Never Said Anything Detrimental Or Anything That Might Be Construed As Belittling Any Race Or Religion. I Would Be A Sucker To Do So Because You Can't Insult The Customers.

It Is Funnier To Bend Things Than To Break Them.

I Never Drink Water... Fish F**k In It.

Anyone Who Hates Children And Animals Can't Be All Bad.

A Man Without A Woman Is Like A Neck Without A Pain.

Reminds Me Of My Safari In Africa. Somebody Forgot The Corkscrew And For Several Days We Had To Live On Nothing But Food And Water.

What Would You Do If You Were President, And, On The First Day Of May, The Russian Ambassador Presented You With A Beautiful Cake Which Emitted A Curious Ticking Noise? Would You Plunge It Into A Pail Of Water - Thus Insulting Soviet Cuisine In General?

I Drink With Impunity...or Anyone Else Who Invites Me.

It's Morally Wrong To Allow A Sucker To Keep His Money.

Attitude Is More Important Than The Past, Than Education, Than Money, Than Circumstances, Than What People Do Or Say. It Is More Important Than Appearance, Giftedness, Or Skill.

Never Try To Impress A Woman, Because If You Do She'll Expect You To Keep Up The Standard For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Back In My Rummy Days, I Would Tremble And Shake For Hours Upon Arising. It Was The Only Exercise I Got.

Never Work With Animals Or Children.

Never Cry Over Spilt Milk, Because It May Have Been Poisoned.

I'd Take A Bromo, But I Can't Stand The Noise.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I'd Live Over A Saloon.

I Think Of The Church Often. Not Because Religion Was Closing In On Me, But Because For A Long Time My Ass Was Sore From That Hard, Unupholstered Pew.

I Never Drink Water; That Is The Stuff That Rusts Pipes.

I Cook With Wine, Sometimes I Even Add It To The Food.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's House Unless They Have A Well-stocked Bar.

Always Carry A Flagon Of Whiskey In Case Of Snakebite, And Furthermore Always Carry A Small Snake.

In The Ten Years Since I Had Run Away From Home...i Had Gone Through More Strange Experiences Than The Average Person Crowds Into A Whole Lifetime.

Smile First Thing In The Morning. Get It Over With.

A Comic Should Suffer As Much Over A Single Line As A Man With A Hernia Would In Picking Up A Heavy Barbell.

Women Are Like Elephants To Me. I Like To Look At Them, But I Wouldn't Want To Own One.

The Two-headed Boy In The Circus Never Had Such A Headache.

Children Should Neither Be Seen Or Heard From - Ever Again.

Oh, Insomnia! Ah, Well, I Know A Good Cure For It... Get Plenty Of Sleep.

A Man Who's Intoxicated All The Time Doesn't Need Sympathy.

Alcoholic: Anybody Who Drinks More Than I Do.

Show Me A Great Actor And I'll Show You A Lousy Husband. Show Me A Great Actress, And You've Seen The Devil.

California Is The Only State In The Union Where You Can Fall Asleep Under A Rose Bush In Full Bloom And Freeze To Death.

Christmas At My House Is Always At Least Six Or Seven Times More Pleasant Than Anywhere Else. We Start Drinking Early. And While Everyone Else Is Seeing Only One Santa Claus, We'll Be Seeing Six Or Seven.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bull.

It Ain't What They Call You, It's What You Answer To.

Last Week, I Went To Philadelphia, But It Was Closed.

The Clever Cat Eats Cheese And Breathes Down Rat Holes With Baited Breath.

Marry An Outdoors Woman. Then If You Throw Her Out Into The Yard On A Cold Night, She Can Still Survive.

I Have Been Advised By The Best Medical Authority, At My Age, Not To Attempt To Give Up Alcohol.

There Are Seven Natural Openings In The Head And Body. A Lawyer Is The Only Human Being With Eight. The Extra One Is A Slot To Store Money In, Should His Bank Be Unable To Hold All Of It.

Buried My Wife The Other Day. Had To, She Died.

I Can Do Anything I Want To Do!

It's What You Do That Counts And Not What You Say; Therefore I Fired My Press Agent.

I Could Juggle Anything In My Day. Balls, Cigar Boxes, Knives...but There Was One Thing I Could Never Juggle. My Income Tax.

Try Till You Succeed...if You Don't Succeed Once, Then Destroy All Evidence Of The Fact That You Tried!

Trust Everybody, But Cut The Cards Yourself.

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