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I Don't Think The Government Is Out To Get Me Or Help Someone Else Get Me But It Wouldn't Surprise Me If They Were Out To Sell Me Something Or Help Someone Else Sell Me Something. I Mean, Why Else Would The Census Bureau Want To Know My Telephone Number?

-Andy Rooney

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I Don't Think The

Andy Rooney

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I Don't Think The Government Is Out To Get Me Or Help Someone Else Get Me But It Wouldn't Surprise Me If They Were Out To Sell Me Something Or Help Someone Else Sell Me Something. I Mean, Why Else Would The Census Bureau Want To Know My Telephone Number?

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We're All Torn Between The Desire For Privacy And The Fear Of Lonliness. We Need Each Other And We Need To Get Away From Each Other. We Need Proximity And Distance, Conversation And Silence. We Almost Always Get More Of Each Than We Want At Any One Time.

Let's Make A Statement To The Airlines Just To Get Their Attention. We'll Pick A Week Next Year And We'll All Agree Not To Go Anywhere For Seven Days.

It Is Possible To Be Dumb And Be A College President.

Where Some People May See Loving Grandparents, I See A Pair Of Feckless Boobs Who Can't Drive, Take Way Too Long To Shop, And Don't Even Have The Most Basic Grasps On The New Technology. As A Staunch Supporter Of The Principles Of Darwinism, I Think That Advances In Modern Medicine Are Starting To Overrule The Survival Of The Fittest, And It's To Our [youngers'] Detriment.

I've Learned... That I Can Always Pray For Someone When I Don't Have The Strength To Help Him In Some Other Way.

As An Old Reporter, We Have A Few Secrets, And The First Thing Is We Try The Phone Book.

Always Keep Your Words Soft And Sweet, Just In Case You Have To Eat Them.

Keeping Your Word

One Of The Things We Can Be Sure Of Over The July 4th Weekend Is That News Reports Will Keep Telling Us How Many Of Us Are Going To Die In Automobile Accidents.

American Closets Are Filled With Once-worn Clothes That Got A Bad Review From A Friend On Their First Appearance.

I Often Pass A Farm With Cows Grazing In The Field And I Think To Myself How Terrible It Is That Human Beings Grow Other Animals Just To Kill Them And Eat Them. Most Of Us Think Of Vegetarians As Nuts And I'm Not A Vegetarian But I Wouldn't Be Surprised If We Came To A Time In 50 Or 100 Years When Civilized People Everywhere Refused To Eat Animals.

I Spent My First 50 Years Trying To Become Known As A Writer And The Next 30 Trying To Avoid Being Famous. I Walk Down The Street Or Go To A Football Game And People Shout, 'hey Andy'. I Hate That.

Milk Without Fat Is Like Nonalcoholic Scotch.

Taxes Are Important. President Bush's Tax Proposals Leave No Rich Person Behind. Voters Approve Of President Bush Helping The Kind Of People They Wish They Were One Of.

You Really Can't Blame The Military For Wanting To Go To War [in Iraq]. They've Got All These New Toys And They Want To Know Whether They Work Or Not.

Yes, We Praise Women Over 40 For A Multitude Of Reasons. Unfortunately, It's Not Reciprocal. For Every Stunning, Smart, Well-coiffed, Hot Woman Over 40, There Is A Bald, Paunchy Relic In Yellow Pants Making A Fool Of Himself With Some 22-year Old Waitress. Ladies, I Apologize. For All Those Men Who Say, "why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free?", Here's An Update For You. Nowadays 80% Of Women Are Against Marriage. Why? Because Women Realize It's Not Worth Buying An Entire Pig Just To Get A Little Sausage!

Finding The Tool Is Often Half The Battle.

The Biggest Seller Is Cookbooks And The Second Is Diet Books - How Not To Eat What You've Just Learned How To Cook.

One Of My Major Shortcomings - I'm Vindictive. I Don't Know Why That Is. Even In Petty Things In My Life I Tend To Strike Back. It's A Lot More Pleasurable A Sensation Than Feeling Threatened.

People Like To Say, "you're Only As Old As You Feel," But It Isn't True. It's Just Something Old People Say To Make Themselves Feel Good About Their Age. You're As Old As You Are.

In Washington, A Confidential Assistant Is Someone Who, If You Don't Want To Know Something, You Go And Ask Him And He Won't Tell You.

I Don't Think The Government Is Out To Get Me Or Help Someone Else Get Me But It Wouldn't Surprise Me If They Were Out To Sell Me Something Or Help Someone Else Sell Me Something. I Mean, Why Else Would The Census Bureau Want To Know My Telephone Number?

Walking Is Good For The Soul.

I Like Animals Who Trust People.

Nothing In Fine Print Is Ever Good News.

My Mother Always Called Me 'sturdy' And Said I Have Big Bones. A Little Fat Is What I Am.

The Great Virtue Of Being Alone Is That Your Mind Can Go Its Own Way.

No One Likes The House Next Door To Look Worse Or A Lot Better Than His Own.

If, On The Other Hand, Happiness Depends On A Good Breakfast, Flowers In The Yard, A Drink Or A Nap, Then We Are More Likely To Live With Quite A Bit Of Happiness.

Dogs Are Nicer Than People.

I Obviously Have A Knack For Getting On Paper What A Lot Of People Have Thought And Didn't Realize They Thought. And They Say, 'hey, Yeah!' And They Like That.

Phyllis Schlafly Speaks For All American Women Who Oppose Equal Rights For Themselves.

The Dullest Olympic Sport Is Curling, Whatever 'curling' Means.

Never Trust The Food In A Restaurant On Top Of The Tallest Building In Town That Spends A Lot Of Time Folding Napkins.

I Like Valentine's Day. The Trouble Is The Florists And The Candy-makers And The Card People Are All Advertising So Much, You Don't Dare Let The Day Go By Without Making An Offering, Whether You Mean It Or Not. Money Exceeds Affection.

New Ideas Are One Of The Most Overrated Concepts Of Our Time. Most Of The Important Ideas That We Live With Aren't New At All.

I Don't Differentiate Much, Except In Degree, Between People Who Believe In Religion From Those Who Believe In Astrology, Magic Or The Supernatural.

Creativity Is A By-product Of Hard Work. If I Never Have Another Really New Idea, It Won't Matter.

I Am Interested In Details. If You Go Into Anything Far Enough, You Get Into The Details Of It, And People Turn Out To Be Interested In What Makes Things Work.

People Waiting For An Elevator Don't Know What To Do, Standing With Strangers. There Is Nothing To Do. Its An Uneasy Time. Some Press The Button Repeatedly As Though It Would Help.

If You Get Murdered Because You Go On A Date With Someone You Met On The Internet, You Probably Deserved It.

The World Must Be Filled With Unsuccessful Musical Careers Like Mine, And It's Probably A Good Thing. We Don't Need A Lot Of Bad Musicians Filling The Air With Unnecessary Sounds. Some Of The Professionals Are Bad Enough.

My Own Time Is Passing Fast Enough Without Some National Game To Help It Along.

I Did Not Believe In The War. I Thought It Was Wrong To Go Into Any War. And I Got To The War, And Saw The Germans, And I Changed My Mind. I Decided We Were Right Going Into World War Ii.

By The Time They're Ready To Be Thrown Away, Most Shoes Are Thoroughly Comfortable

Bacon Is Clearly A Food Made By The Nazis To Fatten Up Americans. It Has No Nutritional Value, Is Full Of Fat, Sodium, And Nitrates, And Is A Pathetic Type Of Consumable Made From The Noblest Of Creatures.

The Best Christmas Trees Come Very Close To Exceeding Nature. If Some Of Our Great Decorated Trees Had Been Grown In A Remote Forest Area With Lights That Came On Every Evening As It Grew Dark, The Whole World Would Come To Look At Them And Marvel At The Mystery Of Their Great Beauty.

No Matter What Any Of The Grammar Teachers Say, Punctuation Is An Arbitrary Matter. It Should Be Used To Make Sentences Clear.

In A Conversation, Keep In Mind That You're More Interested In What You Have To Say Than Anyone Else Is.

I Hate To Say It, But I Had A Great Time In World War Ii.

The Average Bright Young Man Who Is Drafted Hates The Whole Business Because An Army Always Tries To Eliminate The Individual Differences In Men.

I'd Be More Willing To Accept Religion, Even If I Didn't Believe It, If I Thought It Made People Nicer To Each Other But I Don't Think It Does.

... All Of Us Talk Faster Than We Listen.

Space, Like Switzerland, Should Be Neutral.

Everyone Starts Out Being An Atheist. No One Is Born With Belief In Anything. Infants Are Atheists Until They Are Indoctrinated.

There Is Obviously A Great Human Need For Religion Because Life Seems To Be Such A Mystery.

Making Duplicate Copies And Computer Printouts Of Things No One Wanted Even One Of In The First Place Is Giving America A New Sense Of Purpose.

Writers Don't Often Say Anything That Readers Don't Already Know, Unless Its A News Story. A Writer's Greatest Pleasure Is Revealing To People Things They Knew But Did Not Know They Knew. Or Did Not Realize Everyone Else Knew, Too. This Produces A Warm Sense Of Fellow Feeling And Is The Best A Writer Can Do.

Those Of Us Who Don't Have A Party Affiliation Ought To Be Able To Register Under The Heading "confused.

I'm Already Suspicious Of Anyone Who Thinks He Or She Is Smart Enough To Be President. You'd Have To Have Some Ego To Believe That About Yourself.

If You Put On An Item Of Clothing That Hurts Just Because You Have An Idea It Looks Better Or Conforms To What Other People Are Wearing, It's Dumb.

It's Best To Give Advice In Only Two Circumstances; When It's Requested, And When It's A Life Threatening Situation.

My Most Serious Character Flaw Is That I Don't Deny Myself Much.

The Best Thing About A Vacation Is Planning It.

Would A Real Man Get Caught Eating A Twinkie?

Art Is A By-product Of An Honest And Successful Attempt To Do Something Well.

Don't You Hate It When...your Suitcase Is The Last One Off The Airplane?

It Would Be A Better World If Everyone In It Knew All The Truth About Everything.

Numbers Tend To Give The Impression That There's More Order In The World Than There Is.

Not Many People In This World Are As Lucky As I've Been. ... All This Time I've Been Paid To Say What Is On My Mind On Television. You Don't Get Any Luckier In Life Than That.

Once You Pass Forty, A Dime Isn't Worth Bending Over To Pick Up If You Drop One.

Computers May Save Time But They Sure Waste A Lot Of Paper. About 98 Percent Of Everything Printed Out By A Computer Is Garbage That No One Ever Reads.

Soap, Like People, Shouldn't Smell Like Anything.

I Know A Lot Of You Believe That Most People In The News Business Are Liberal. Let Me Tell You, I Know A Lot Of Them, And They Were Almost Evenly Divided This Time. Half Of Them Liked Senator Kerry; The Other Half Hated President Bush.

I Like Ice Hockey, But It's A Frustrating Game To Watch. It's Hard To Keep Your Eyes On Both The Puck And The Players And Too Much Time Passes Between Scoring In Hockey. There Are Usually More Fights Than There Are Points.

Let's Face It, Though, Anything That's Apt To Happen To An Appliance Like A Blender Isn't Covered By The Warranty Anyway, So I Never Send Them In. If It Breaks, I'll Buy A New One. That's The American Way.

Christians Talk As Though Goodness Was Their Idea But Good Behavior Doesn't Have Any Religious Origin. Our Prisons Are Filled With The Devout.

I've Learned... That I Wish I Could Have Told My Mom That I Love Her One More Time Before She Passed Away.

Have You Noticed That They Put Advertisements In With Your Bills Now? Like Bills Aren't Distasteful Enough, They Have To Stuff Junk Mail In There With Them. I Get Back At Them. I Put Garbage In With My Check When I Mail It In. Coffee Grinds, Banana Peels...i Write, "could You Throw This Away For Me?"

Almost All Of Us Have An Elevator Or Two In Our Lives Somewhere. We Wait For Them, We Ride On Them. We're Annoyed By The Wait But Pleased With The Lift.

No One Ever Writes A Book In Which He Is The Bad Guy.

If You Do See Me In A Restaurant, Please, Just Let Me Eat My Dinner.

We're All Proud Of Making Little Mistakes. It Gives Us The Feeling We Don't Make Any Big Ones.

I've Done A Lot Of Complaining Here, But Of All The Things I've Complained About, I Can't Complain About My Life.

It's Not So Much That I Write Well, I Just Don't Write Badly Very Often And That Passes For Good On Television.

The English Language Is More Complex Than Calculus Because Numbers Don't Have Nuances.

Most College Students Are Not As Smart As Most College Presidents.

I Hope All Of You Are Going To Fill Out Your Census Form When It Comes In The Mail Next Month. If You Don't Return The Form The Area You Live In Might Get Less Government Money And You Wouldn't Want That To Happen, Would You.

In Spite Of Some Bad Experiences, I'm A Firm Believer In The Trial And Error Method Of Learning.

Trial And Error

I Am Not Retiring. Writers Don't Retire. Writers Never Stop Writing.

Uh, Yeah, This Is The Vd Clinic Calling. Speaking Of Being Positive, Your Test Is Back. Stop Sharing The Love.

I Am An Atheist... I Don't Understand Religion At All. I'm Sure I'll Offend A Lot Of People By Saying This, But I Think It's All Nonsense.

The Only Thing That Really Bugs Me About Television's Coverage Is Those Damn Women They Have Down On The Sidelines Who Don't Know What The Hell They're Talking About. I Mean, I'm Not A Sexist Person, But A Woman Has No Business Being Down There Trying To Make Some Comment About A Football Game.

Democrats Believe People Are Basically Good But Must Be Saved From Themselves By The Government. Republicans Believe People Are Basically Bad But They'll Be Okay If They're Left Alone.

I Think A Draft Produces A Better Army Than The One We Would Have With All Volunteers, Because I Think You Get Average Americans If You Have A Draft. And If It's An All-volunteer Army, You Get People Who Join Up Because Of Some Problem In Their Own Lives. They Don't Have Anything Else To Do, They Don't Have A Job, Or They Can't Find What They Want To Do, So They Join The Army. And It Doesn't Produce The Best Army.

There Are More Beauty Parlors Than There Are Beauties.

When There Are Starving People In The World, It Seems Wrong That So Many Of Us Americans Eat As Much For Entertainment As For Nourishment.

I Never Understood Retirement. What Is The Attraction Of Retirement? I Go Down There To Florida And Look Around And I Said, My God, Who Wants This? Not Me.

We Aren't Consistent In Our Treatment Of Animals.

I've Learned That Under Everyone's Hard Shell Is Someone Who Wants To Be Appreciated And Loved.

Great Teachers Are Usually A Little Crazy.

Flying Is Always An Unpleasant Experience. You Wait An Hour For Every Ten Minutes You Actually Spend Getting Anywhere.

We All Ought To Understand We're On Our Own. Believing In Santa Claus Doesn't Do Kids Any Harm For A Few Years But It Isn't Smart For Them To Continue Waiting All Their Lives For Him To Come Down The Chimney With Something Wonderful. Santa Claus And God Are Cousins.

I'm In A Position Of Feeling Secure Enough So That I Can Say What I Think Is Right And If So Many People Think It's Wrong That I Get Fired, Well, I've Got Enough To Eat.

Every One Starts Out Being An Atheist.

I Don't Pick Subjects As Much As They Pick Me.

For Every Stunning, Smart, Well-coiffed Hot Woman Of 40 +, There Is A Balding, Paunchy Relic In Yellow Pants Making A Fool Of Himself With Some 22-year-old Waitress.

We Need People Who Can Actually Do Things. We Have Too Many Bosses And Too Few Workers. More College Graduates Ought To Become Plumbers Or Electricians, Then Go Home At Night And Read Shakespeare.

The Last Birthday That's Any Good Is 23.

I Think Dan [rather] Is Transparently Liberal. Now He May Not Like To Hear Me Say That. I Always Agree With Him, Too. But I Think He Should Be More Careful.

I Never Get Over Feeling Bad About Tearing Open A Beautifully Wrapped Present. It Takes Ten Seconds To Destroy A Work Of Art That Took Someone Ten Minutes To Accomplish.

A Writer's Job Is To Tell The Truth.

Telling The Truth

We're All Torn Between The Desire For Privacy And The Fear Of Loneliness.

When I Write, I Use An Underwood #5 Made In 1920. Someone Gave Me An Electric Typewriter, But There's No Use Pretending You Can Use Machinery That Thinks Faster Than You Do. An Electric Typewriter Is Ready To Go Before I Have Anything To Say.

There Are Only A Few Safe Targets Left, Just A Few Groups Of People You Can Say Anything Negative About Without Getting In Trouble For It. I've Made A List Of Safe Targets And I Probably Ought To Stick To Those. Politicians, For Instance. You Can Say Anything You Want About Them, And It Doesn't Matter How Unfair You Are. People Seem To Like It.

A Little-recognized Value Of Listening And Inquiring Relates To The Realization That In Human Relationships, It Is Frequently Not What The I've Learned ... That It Is Best To Give Advice In Only Two Circumstances: When It Is Requested And When It Is A Life-threatening Situation.

We've Sent A Man To The Moon And That's 29,000 Miles Away. The Center Of The Earth Is Only 4,000 Miles Away. You Could Drive That In A Week But For Some Reason Nobody's Ever Done It.

You're Almost Always Better Off Keeping Your Mouth Shut, But Don't Let That Stop You From Popping Off.

Keeping Your Mouth Shut

Those To Whom His Word Was Revealed Were Always Alone In Some Remote Place, Like Moses. There Wasn't Anyone Else Around When Mohammed Got The Word Either. Mormon Joseph Smith And Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, Had Exclusive Audiences With God. We Have To Trust Them As Reporters--and You Know How Reporters Are. They'll Do Anything For A Story.

The One Affectation I Have Forced On The Publisher... Are My Apostrophe-free Ellisions. Because I Write My Scripts To Read Myself, I Dont Spell 'don't' With An Apostrophe. I Spell It 'dont'. We All Know The Word And It Seems Foolish To Put In An Extraneous Apostrophe. Punctuation Marks Are Devices We Use To Make The Meaning Of Sentences Clear. There Is Nothing Confusing About A Word Like 'dont' Printed Without An Apostrophe To Indicate An Omitted Letter.

Punctuation Marks

Before A Kid Learns How To Use A Computer That Can Solve Mathematical Problems, He Or She Should Know How To Do Arithmetic Without A Computer.

The Federal Government Has Sponsored Research That Has Produced A Tomato That Is Perfect In Every Respect, Except That You Can't Eat It. We Should Make Every Effort To Make Sure This Disease, Often Referred To As 'progress', Doesn't Spread.

When Those Waiters Ask Me If I Want Some Fresh Ground Pepper, I Ask If They Have Any Aged Pepper.

My Advice Is Not To Wait To Be Struck By An Idea. If You're A Writer, You Sit Down And Damn Well Decide To Have An Idea. That's The Way To Get An Idea.

The Only People Who Say Worse Things About Politicians That Reporters Do Are Other Politicians.

Numbers Are The Most Certain Things We Have.

Person-to-person, Most People Are Honest.

The Teacher Who Knows The Most About A Subject Isn't Necessarily The One Who Can Teach It Best.

I Just Sat There Looking At Television, Sort Of Dumb And Thought How Horrible It Was. I Had -- The Grand Aspects Of It Did Not Occur To Me -- I Had No Notion Of This Terrorist Network That Existed. I Knew The Were A Lot Of People In The World Who Didn't Like Us, But I Had No Idea That It Was As Well Organized As It Apparently Is. That's One Of The Amazing Facets Of This Terrible Event: How Well They Did It. Incredible. The Competence Of These Evil People.

Terrible Events

Did You Ever Notice That People Who Are Good With A Computer Don't Use It For Much Of Anything Except Being Good With A Computer? They Know All About Information Technology, But They Don't Have Much Interest In The Information. I'm The Opposite.

Obscenities... I Think A Lot Of Dumb People Do It Because They Can't Think Of What They Want To Say And They're Frustrated. A Lot Of Smart People Do It To Pretend They Aren't Very Smart - Want To Be Just One Of The Boys.

I Just Wish We Knew A Little Less About His Urethra And A Little More About His Arms Sales To Iran.

There's Nothing People Like Better Than Being Asked An Easy Question. For Some Reason, We're Flattered When A Stranger Asks Us Where Maple Street Is In Our Hometown And We Can Tell Him.

Questions And Answers

Vegetarian: Indian Word For Lousy Hunter.

Everyone Hates War, Everyone Says.

Love Is More Pleasant Once You Get Out Of Your Twenties. It Doesn't Hurt All The Time.

All Men Are Not Created Equal But Should Be Treated As Though They Were Under The Law.

Writers Don't Retire. I Will Always Be A Writer.

It's Ridiculous For A Country To Get All Worked Up About A Game—except The Super Bowl, Of Course. Now That's Important.

Figure Skating Is An Unlikely Olympic Event But Its Good Television. It's Sort Of A Combination Of Gymnastics And Ballet. A Little Sexy Too Which Doesn't Hurt.

Civilization Means Conforming To A Standard Of Behavior That May Not Seem Natural To Us.

Ugly Is Very Popular This Year...i Had A Feeling These Clothes Were Deigned By Someone Who Didn't Like Women.

One Day About 10 Years Ago The Door To My Office Opened And Who Walked In But Bill Gates.... Seemed Like A Nice Guy And Has Done More With His Money Than Most Billionaires. But That's As Far As I Want To Go Being Kind To Bill Gates.

I'd Like To Take Some Calculus, Too. I Have Absolutely No Ability In That Direction And Not Much Interest, Either, But There's Something Going On In Mathematics That I Don't Understand, And I'd Like To Find Out What It Is.

I've Learned... That Sometimes All A Person Needs Is A Hand To Hold And A Heart To Understand.

One Of The Most Glorious Messes In The World Is The Mess Created In The Living Room On Christmas Day. Don't Clean It Up Too Quickly." ~ (1919-), American Writer, Producer, Humorist.

Familiar Things Are A Comfort To Us All.

Familiar Things

I Believe The Money I Make Belongs To Me And My Family, Not Some Governmental Stooge With A Bad Comb-over Who Wants To Give It Away To Crack Addicts For Squirting Out Babies.

I Just Wish Insignificance Had More Stature.

I Don't Like Food That's Too Carefully Arranged; It Makes Me Think That The Chef Is Spending Too Much Time Arranging And Not Enough Time Cooking. If I Wanted A Picture I'd Buy A Painting.

I Dislike Loud-mouthed Patriots Who Suggest They Like Our Country More Than I Do. Some People's Idea Of Patriotism Is Hating Other Countries.

The Closing Of A Door Can Bring Blessed Privacy And Comfort - The Opening, Terror. Conversely, The Closing Of A Door Can Be A Sad And Final Thing - The Opening A Wonderfully Joyous Moment.

We Can All Be Prouder To Be Human Beings, Because That's What They Were. They Make Up For A Lot Of Liars, Cheats, And Terrorists Among Us.

Anyone Who Watches Golf On Television Would Enjoy Watching The Grass Grow On The Greens.

You're Better Off Missing A Bus Or An Airplane Once In A While Than You Are Getting There Too Early All The Time.

There Are Sixteen Cans Of Coffee Here; Together They Hold A Total Of Thirteen And A Half Pounds Of Coffee. Doesn't That Seem Like Cheating?

When You Get Older You Have To Be Careful About Always Saying, "things Aren't As Good As They Used To Be." But It's Hard Not To.

The Super Bowl Isn't For Kids, I Had A Great Time Though And It Was Worth Every Nickel Of It Because By Doing This Lame Piece About The Game I Can Put It On My Expense Account.

I Try To Look Nice. I Comb My Hair, I Tie My Tie, I Put On A Jacket, But I Draw The Line When It Comes To Trimming My Eyebrows. You Work With What You Got.

Last Night We Had Three Small Zucchini For Dinner That Were Grown Within Fifty Feet Of Our Back Door. I Estimate They Cost Somewhere In The Neighborhood Of $371.49 Each.

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