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I Can Live In Paris For Four Months Or London Or, You Know, Barcelona. These Are Places That Are Like New York. But I Don't Think I Could Live In Many Places. When I Had To Make A Film In The United States I Picked San Francisco Because To Me It's One Of The Great Cities Of America.

-Woody Allen

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I Can Live In

Woody Allen

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I Can Live In Paris For Four Months Or London Or, You Know, Barcelona. These Are Places That Are Like New York. But I Don't Think I Could Live In Many Places. When I Had To Make A Film In The United States I Picked San Francisco Because To Me It's One Of The Great Cities Of America.

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I Think, On Both Sides Of The Camera Or The Novel: Distraction. I'm Obsessed With: Can I Get This Actress Or My Third Act To Work? I'm Distracted. I'm Interested In That So I Don't Sit Home And Think, "gee, Life Is Meaningless. We're All Going To Die. The Universe Is Pulling Apart At Breakneck Speed."

Inertia Accounts For Two-thirds Of Marriages. But Love Accounts For The Other Third.

Skeptic That I Was As An Adolescent, I Had Recently Come To Believe In A Supreme Being After Thumbing Through A Victoria's Secret Catalogue.

The Important Thing, I Think, Is Not To Be Bitter. You Know, If It Turns Out That There Is A God, I Don't Think That He's Evil. I Think That The Worst Thing You Could Say About Him Is That Basically He's An Underachiever. After All, You Know, There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death.

Confidence Is What You Have Before You Understand The Problem.

I Took A Speed-reading Course And Read War And Peace In Twenty Minutes. It Involves Russia.

Honey! Bring Down A Copy Of My Will - And An Eraser!

Standing In A Garage No More Makes You A Car Than Standing In A Church Makes You A Christian.

It Is No Secret That Organized Crime In America Takes In Over Forty Billion Dollars A Year. This Is Quite A Profitable Sum, Especially When One Considers That The Mafia Spends Very Little For Office Supplies.

She Had Been Critical Of His New Torch Song, "a Side Order Of Heartache, Please," Suggesting It Could Be Used As A Good Way To Break In Their New Paper Shredder.

When I Am In New York, I Want To Be In Europe, And When I Am In Europe, I Want To Be In New York.

I Call That Mind Free Which Jealously Guards Its Intellectual Rights And Powers, Which Calls No Man Master, Which Does Not Content Itself With A Passive Or Hereditary Faith, [and] Receives New Truth As An Angel From Heaven.

Fantasy Is Seductive And Much More Wonderful Than Reality, But You Can't Take It To The Bank. It's Always An Escape. And If Used As An Escape, As In Attending A Movie Or A Show For A Circumscribed Period Of Time, It's Fine. When It Starts To Become Undifferentiated From Reality, It Leads To Big Trouble.

Man Was Made In God`s Image. Do You Really Think God Has Red Hair And Glasses?

I Don't Believe In Competition For Artistic Things. I Just Like The Atmosphere Of The Cannes Festival. I Don't Want To Win Anything Or Lose Anything.

You Can't Work At A Relationship; You Can't Control It. You Have To Be Lucky And Go Through Your Life. If You Are Not Lucky You Have To Be Prepared For Some Degree Of Suffering. That's Why Most Relationships Are Very Difficult And Have Some Degree Of Pain. People Stay Together Because Of Inertia, They Don't Have The Energy. Because They Are Frightened Of Being Lonely, Or They Have Children.

I Feel That Humor, Just Like Fred Astaire Dance Numbers Or These Lightweight Musicals, Gives You A Little Oasis. You Are In This Horrible World And For An Hour And A Half You Duck Into A Dark Room And It's Air-conditioned And The Sun Is Not Blinding You And You Leave The Terror Of The Universe Behind And You Are Completely Transported Into An Escapist Situation. The Women Are Beautiful, The Men Are Witty And Heroic, Nobody Has Terrible Problems And This Is A Delightful Escapist Thing, And You Leave The Theater Refreshed.

I Wouldn't Necessarily Want To Be A Big Muscular Guy. It's Nice To Be Gorgeous Whether You're Male Or Female Assuming You Don't Lose Whatever Else You Have.

Students Achieving Oneness Will Move On To Twoness.

Better Not Think Too Much. Relying More On The Body: It Is More Trustworthy.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, I Wish I Could Be A Great Pianist Or Something.

What If The Worst Is True? What If There's No God, And You Only Go Around Once, And That's It? Don't You Want To Be A Part Of The Experience? You Know, What The Hell? It's Not All A Drag, And I'm Thinking To Myself: Geez! I Should Stop Ruining My Life Searching For Answers I'm Never Gonna Get And Just Enjoy It While It Lasts. And, You Know, After-who Knows? Maybe There Is Something, Nobody Really Knows. I Know That Maybe Is A Very Slim Reed To Hang Your Whole Life On, But That's The Best We Have.

I Don't Know What The Hell I'm Doing Here. I'm 237 Years Old, I Should Be Collecting Social Security.

I Always Thought It Would Be Very Funny If I Was A Blind Film Director.

Manute Bol Is So Skinny They Save Money On Road Trips. They Just Fax Him From City To City.

I Didn't Go To Paris Until I Was A Grown-up In 1965. And When I Went To Paris, It Was The Paris I Knew Only From American Movies.

Abysmal Vermin That I Am, I Couldn't Of Course Tell Her That It Was Her Incredible Mother That I Wanted To See Again… I Knew Only As I Drove Through The Cold, Night Autumn Air That Somewhere Freud, Sophocles And Eugene O’neill Were Laughing.

The Chief Problem About Death, Incidentally, Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought, Particularly For Those Who Bothered To Shave. Also, There Is The Fear That There Is An Afterlife But No One Will Know Where It's Being Held. On The Plus Side, Death Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Laying Down.

My Brain? It's My Second Favorite Organ!

I've Never Dated A Fictional Character Before. The Closest I Ever Came Was An Italian.

Fictional Character

Capital Punishment Would Be More Effective As A Preventive Measure If It Were Administered Prior To The Crime.

Does Art Imitate Life, Or Does Life Imitate Tv?

Some Of The Best Memories Of My Childhood That I Have Are The Times That I Played Hooky From School So I Could Spend My Days In The Public Library Reading All The Wonderful Books At My Disposal.

But What If Everyone In The World Behaved Like Me And Came Here And Shot Brisseau Through The Ear? What A Mess! And Of Course We'd Need Valet Parking.

We Live In Far Too Permissive A Society. Never Before Has Pornography Been This Rampant. And Those Films Are So Badly Lit!

The Last Time I Was Inside A Woman Was When I Went To The Statue Of Liberty.

The Curtain Rises On A Vast Primitive Wasteland, Not Unlike Certain Parts Of New Jersey.

When I Was Young, I Wanted To Be A Dramatic Writer, A Writer Of Tragedy. Nothing Would've Pleased Me More Than If I Could Have Written Like Eugene O'neil Or Tennessee Williams.

See, I Never Gain An Ounce, Because, You Know, My Anxiety Acts Like Aerobics.

I Have Bad Reflexes. I Was Once Run Over By A Car Being Pushed By Two Guys.

A Stockbroker Is Someone Who Invests Other People's Money Until It Is All Gone.

The Artist Can't Give You An Answer That's Satisfying To The Dreadful Reality Of Your Existence. So The Best You Can Do Is Maybe Entertain People And Refresh Them For An Hour-and-a-half.

Sentence Structure Is Innate, But Whining Is Acquired.

I'm A Nice Person! I Have Healthy Life Drives And Goals! I Don't Drink, I Don't Smoke. I Would Never Force Myself Sexually On A Blind Person!

The Process Of Making Films Is So Technically Demanding That It's A Distraction. You Don't Spend Your Time Thinking About The Philosophical Content, Which Is Often Very Depressing.

I Feel Humor Is Important For Those Two Reasons: That It Is A Little Bit Of Refreshment Like Music, And That Women Have Told Me Over The Years That It Is Very, Very Important To Them.

[an Audience Conditioned By A Lifetime Of Television-watching Is So Corrupted That] Their Standards Have Been Systematically Lowered Over The Years. These Guys Sit In Front Of Their Sets And The Gamma Rays Eat The White Cells Of Their Brains Out!

Television Watching

I Work For A Company That Makes Deceptively Shallow Serving Dishes For Chinese Restaurants.

But It Was I - Yes I - Who Discovered The Link Between Excessive Masturbation And Entry Into Politics!

I've Never Had A Block. I'm Talking Within The Limits Of My Abilities. But In My Own Small Way, I've Had An Embarrassment Of Riches. I'll Have Five Ideas And I'm Dying To Do Them All. It Takes Weeks Or Months Where I Agonize And Obsess Over Which To Do Next. I Wish Sometimes Someone Would Choose For Me. If Someone Said, Do Idea Number Three Next, That Would Be Fine. But I Have Never Had Any Sense Of Running Dry.

Life Doesn't Imitate Art, It Imitates Bad Television.

I'm Not A Drinker, My Body Won't Tolerate...eh...spirits, Really. I Had Two Martinis New Years Eve And I Tried To Hi-jack An Elevator And Fly It To Cuba.

Sun Is Bad For You. Everything Our Parents Said Was Good Is Bad. Sun, Milk, Red Meat...college.

No, No, I'm A Lowbrow. I Read [dostoevsky] More Out Of Obligation Than Enjoyment. For Enjoyment, For Me, It's A Beer And The Football Game.

All Things Are Possible, Except Skiing Through A Revolving Door.

Someday The Lion Is Going To Lie Down With The Lamb, But The Lamb Isn't Going To Get Much Sleep.

Gauguin Flew Into A Frenzy! He Held My Head Under The X-ray Machine For Ten Straight Minutes And For Several Hours After I Could Not Blink My Eyes In Unison." — "if The Impressionists Had Been Dentists

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He Adored New York City. He Idolized It All Out Of Proportion... No, Make That: He - He Romanticized It All Out Of Proportion. Yes. To Him, No Matter What The Season Was, This Was Still A Town That Existed In Black And White And Pulsated To The Great Tunes Of George Gershwin.

Black And White

Chastity Is Curable, If Detected Early.

You'll Find As You Go Through Life That Great Depth And Smoldering Sensuality Don't Always Win.

If You Pursue The Other Woman, It's A Losing Situation And It's Not Good For Your Relationship Or Your Marriage. If Your Marriage Is Open And You're Allowed To, That's No Good Either. There's No Way, Really In The End, To Be Happy Unless You Get Very Lucky.

No Matter What You Do There Will Be Critics.

I Can't Understand Why More People Aren't Bisexual. It Would Double Your Chances For A Date On Saturday Night.

You Look Up After Many Years And You Find That A Film Has Become A Classic Because It's Meaningful To People And Alive, Decade After Decade.

Dear Mom And Dad, Leave $50,000 In A Bag Under The Bridge On Decatur Street. If There Is No Bridge On Decatur Street, Please Build One.

I Should Go To Paris And Jump Off Of The Eiffel Tower. If I Took The Concorde, I Could Be Dead Three Hours Earlier.

The Meaning Of Life Is That Nobody Knows The Meaning Of Life.

Meaning Of Life

When You Travel Around The Country, You See What A Tough Town New York Is: Rude, Competitive, A Town Where Good, Logical Ideas Are Ignored In Favor Of Unworkable Ones. And Yet, All These Other Towns Are So Dead And Boring Compared To New York.

The Heart Is A Very, Very Resilient Little Muscle. It Really Is.

The Study Of Economy Usually Shows Us That The Best Time For Purchase Was Last Year.

Oh, He Was Probably A Member Of The National Rifle Association. It Was A Group That Helped Criminals Get Guns So They Could Shoot Citizens. It Was A Public Service.

There's No Point In Looking Back, Because There's Nothing You Can Really Do To Improve The Film. You Can Only Aggravate And Wish You Had Done Stuff Better.

Every Time You Make A Movie It's A New And Different Experience. You Learn Very Little From The Past. So, I'm A Little Bit Better Than I Was When I First Started.

Different Experiences

What Is It About Death That Bothers Me? Probably The Hours.

Our Love, Our Love Will Last Forever. It's Forever But It Just Doesn't Work. That's Why It Will Always Be Romantic Because It Can Not Be Complete.

If I Can Play A Scene In A Master Shot, I Always Prefer It. And The Actors Always Prefer It. It's Fun To Look At On The Screen, The Actors Get A Chance To Sink Their Teeth Into Something Substantial, And It's Economically Helpful.

Life Is Full Of Moments That Are Good - Winning A Lottery, Seeing A Beautiful Woman, A Great Dinner - But The Whole Thing Is Tragic. It's An Oasis That Is Very Pleasant.

I Ran Into Isosceles. He Had A Great Idea For A New Triangle!

Let's Say There Was No Terrorism Whatsoever And We Were All Very Nice To One Another And We Were All Kind, We Still Would Be Faced With An Extremely Cruel And Hostile Universe And Existence And So I'm A Great Pessimist And I Feel That It's Impossible Really To Be Happy, And That The Best You Can Hope For Is To Be Distracted.

His Lack Of Education Is More Than Compensated For By His Keenly Developed Moral Bankruptcy.

I'm Sure There Are People In Hollywood, Whose Main Drive In Film Is To Make Money, Who Will Feel That Any Use Of The Word Hijacking Or Any Reference To Anything Violent Or Remotely Associated With The Terrible Tragedy That Occurred Will Lose Customers For Them. And That Will Be The Only Criterion That Will Matter And So They'll Force The Minions That Work For Them To Remove These Things From Their Movies, Or Not Make Movies About That Subject.

How Can I Believe In God When Just Last Week I Got My Tongue Caught In The Roller Of An Electric Typewriter?

Eternity Is Really Long, Especially Near The End.

There Are Three Rings Involved With Marriage. The Engagement Ring, The Wedding Ring, And The Suffering.

Whosoever Loveth Wisdom Is Righteous, But He That Keepeth Company With Fowl Is Weird.

You Use Sex To Express Every Emotion Except Love.

It Has Become Harder And Harder In The United States To Make Films Unhampered By Outside Influences. I've Always Been Able To Steer Clear Of That And Keep The Business People Out Of My Hair Completely.

Money Is Not Everything, But It Is Better Than Having One's Health.

I Once Stole A Pornographic Book That Was Printed In Braille. I Used To Rub The Dirty Parts.

I Never Knew What Amazon Was. I've Never Seen Any Of Those Series, Even On Cable. I've Never Seen The Sopranos, Or Mad Men. I'm Out Every Night And When I Come Home, I Watch The End Of The Baseball Or Basketball Game, And There's Charlie Rose And I Go To Sleep.

I'm Going To My Psychoanalyst One More Year, Then I'm Going To Lourdes.

I'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch. My Grandfather, On His Deathbed, Sold Me This Watch.

All The Crap They Tell You About... Getting Joy And Having A Kind Of Wisdom In Your Golden Years - It's All Tripe.

I Work All The Time Because It's A Great Distraction And It Keeps Me From Sitting Home And Obsessing Morbidly.

The Only Love That Lasts Is Unrequited Love.

Dying Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Lying Down.

My Grandfather Was A Very Insignificant Man, Actually. At His Funeral His Hearse Followed The Other Cars.

More Than Any Other Time In History, Mankind Faces A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair And Utter Hopelessness. The Other, To Total Extinction. Let Us Pray We Have The Wisdom To Choose Correctly.

You Can Be Distracted By Your Love Life, By The Baseball Game, Movies, By The Nonsense. "can I Get My Kid Into This Private School? Can I Get This Girl To Go Out With Me Saturday Night? Am I Going To Get The Promotion In My Office?" All This Stuff, But In The End The Universe Burns Out. So I Think It's Completely Meaningless.

I Prefer The Magic To Reality, And Have Since I Was 5 Years Old. Hopefully, I Can Continue To Make Films And Constantly Escape Into Them.

Writing Is Great Because In The Writing You Never Have To... First Of All You Never Have To Leave Your Home. And You Never Have To Meet The Test Of Reality When You're Writing.

The Jewish Culture - People That Are Jewish Have A Certain Cultural Habit That They've Formed And One Of Those Habits Is An Appreciation Of Theater And Music - These Are Cultural Things One Does Associate With Values That Are Promulgated By Jewish Families. I Think That's A Good Thing.

I Was In Analysis For Years Because Of A Traumatic Childhood; I Was Breast-fed Through Falsies.

There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death. Have You Ever Spent An Evening With An Insurance Salesman?

No Matter What The Shrinks, Or The Pundits, Or The Self-help Books Tell You, When It Comes To Love, It's Luck.

I Know Of Only Six Genuine Comic Geniuses In Movie History; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, And W.c. Fields.

To Me Nature Is... Spiders And Bugs, And Big Fish Eating Little Fish, And Plants Eating Plans, And Animals Eating... It's Like An Enormous Restaurant, That's The Way I See It.

What People Who Don't Write Don't Understand Is That They Think You Make Up The Line Consciously — But You Don't. It Proceeds From Your Unconscious. So It's The Same Surprise To You When It Emerges As It Is To The Audience When The Comic Says It. I Don't Think Of The Joke And Then Say It. I Say It And Then Realize What I've Said. And I Laugh At It, Because I'm Hearing It For The First Time Myself.

My Analyst Warned Me, But You Were So Beautiful I Got Another Analyst.

You Can Learn Technological Things, You Can Learn About Specific Things, But The Real Problems That People Deal With In Any Subject, Existential Subjects Or Romantic Subjects, You Never Learn Anything. So You Make A Fool Of Yourself When You're 20, You Make A Fool Of Yourself At 40, At 60 At 80. The Ancient Greeks Were Dealing With These Problems. They Screwed Up All The Time. People Do Now.

The Prettiest Women Are Almost Always The Most Boring, And That Is Why Some People Feel There Is No God.

There Is No God

To You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The Loyal Opposition.

For Some Reason It Gives People Pleasure To Equate The Life Of Certain Movie Actors Or Actresses With Their Actual Lives.

To Be A Film Director Is Not A Democracy, It's Really A Tyranny. You're The Head Of The Project, For Better Rather Than Worse. I Write The Film And I Direct The Film, I Decide Who's Going To Be In It, I Decide On The Editing, I Put In The Music From My Own Record Collection.

I Tended To Place My Wife Under A Pedestal.

Paris Is A Very Exciting City. I Learned About Paris The Same Way That Americans Do: From The Movies.

Twenty-one Years Ago, When I First Heard Mia Farrow Had Accused Me Of Child Molestation, I Found The Idea So Ludicrous I Didn't Give It A Second Thought. We Were Involved In A Terribly Acrimonious Breakup, With Great Enmity Between Us And A Custody Battle Slowly Gathering Energy. The Self-serving Transparency Of Her Malevolence Seemed So Obvious I Didn't Even Hire A Lawyer To Defend Myself. It Was My Show Business Attorney Who Told Me She Was Bringing The Accusation To The Police And I Would Need A Criminal Lawyer.

Is Sex Dirty? Only When It's Being Done Right.

There Is Dignity In Suffering; Nobility In Pain; But Failure Is A Salted Wound, That Burns And Burns Again!

People Make Films For Different Reasons. For Money. Or, They Make Them Because Something In Them Demands Artistic Expression. I Do It Because I Enjoy The Work.

Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

I Do Occasionally Envy The Person Who Is Religious Naturally, Without Being Brainwashed Into It Or Suckered Into It By All The Organized Hustles.

Don't Knock Masturbation. It's Sex With Someone I Love.

You Can't Control Life. It Doesn't Wind Up Perfectly. Only-only Art You Can Control. Art And Masturbation. Two Areas In Which I Am An Absolute Expert.

I'm A Comedian. I Make Comic Films And There Are Certain Ideas That Occur To Me That Are Comic, With Heavy, Serious Undertones. There Are Some Ideas That Are More Frivolous To Me. The Next Idea That Could Occur To Me Could Be Comedy About Death And Famine Or Something.

Life Is Short. Short, And Not About Anything Except What You Can Touch And What Touches You.

Real Software Engineers Don't Debug Programs, They Verify Correctness. This Process Doesn't Necessarily Involve Execution Of Anything On A Computer, Except Perhaps A Correctness Verification Aid Package. Sex Without Love Is An Empty Experience, But, As Empty Experiences Go, It's One Of The Best.

I Could Turn On My Radio In The Morning When I Was Getting Dressed For School And Hear Frank Sinatra And Duke Ellington And Benny Goodman And Think This Is The Music. Now That Music Is Art. Ellington Is Art. At That Time It Was Just What You Heard On The Radio. Cole Porter Was Just A Guy Who Wrote Pretty Songs And Billie Holliday Would Sing Them.

There Is No Advantage Getting Older. You Don't Get Smarter, You Don't Get Wiser, You Don't Get More Mellow, You Don't Get More Kindly, Nothing Good Happens. Your Back Hurts More, You Get More Indigestion, Your Eyesight Isn't As Good, You Need A Hearing Aid. It's A Bad Business Getting Old And I Would Advise You Not To Do It If You Can Avoid It. It Doesn't Have A Romantic Quality.

I've Become The Person I've Always Hated, But I'm Happier.

Nietzsche Says That We Will Live The Same Life, Over And Over Again. God - I'll Have To Sit Through The Ice Capades Again.

Taste My Tuna Casserole - Tell Me If I Put In Too Much Hot Fudge.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives. All The Attendant Hoopla About It, The Success Over It Or The Critical Rejection—none Of That Really Matters. In The End, The Thing Will Survive Or Not On Its Own Merits. Not That Immortality Via Art Is Any Big Deal. Truffaut Died, And We All Felt Awful About It, And There Were The Appropriate Eulogies, And His Wonderful Films Live On. But It’s Not Much Help To Truffaut.

Dying Is Like Making Love, Except You Don't Get Naseous Afterwards.

I'm Really A Timid Person - I Was Beaten Up By Quakers

When A Doctor Makes A Mistake, It's Best To Bury The Subject.

What Do I Dislike About Death? Must Be The Hours.

Don't You See The Rest Of The Country Looks Upon New York Like We're Left-wing, Communist, Jewish, Homosexual Pornographers? I Think Of Us That Way Sometimes And I Live Here.

Once Munching Has Begun, Schopenhauer Held, The Human Will Cannot Resist Further Munching, And The Result Is A Universe With Crumbs Over Everything.

Let's Say There Was A Burning Building And You Could Rush In And You Could Save Only One Thing: Either The Last Known Copy Of Shakespeare's Plays Or Some Anonymous Human Being. What Would You Do?

The Good Sleep Better, But The Bad Seem To Enjoy The Waking Hours Much More.

I Love Baseball. You Know, It Doesn’t Have To Mean Anything. It’s Just Very Beautiful To Watch.

I've Always Believed That Thoughtful People Don't Really Take The Tabloids Seriously. They're Basically A Form Of Entertainment. I Enjoy Them As Much As The Next New Yorker.

I Love The Rain - It Washes Memories Off The Sidewalk Of Life.

Side Effects Not Only Is There No God, But Try Getting A Plumber On The Weekend. Woody Allen Sex Alleviates Tension. Love Causes It.

New York Is My Home And I Have A Particular Fondness For It. I Think It's A Place Where You Can Generate Any Kind Of Story Wonderfully. But I Also Would Be Very Happy To Make A Film In Paris Or Rome.

In The Event Of War, I'm A Hostage.

My Father Owned A Small Piece Of Land. He Carried It With Him Wherever He Went.

Sex Is Like Having Dinner: Sometimes You Joke About The Dishes, Sometimes You Take The Meal Seriously.

My Grammy Never Gave Gifts, You Know. She Was Too Busy Getting Raped By Cossacks.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach!

A "bay Area Bisexual" Told Me I Didn't Quite Coincide With Either Of Her Desires.

The Best An Idea Gets Is When Its In Your Head.

My Relationship With Death Remains The Same - I'm Strongly Against It.

I Know What I Think But I Don't Know How To Put It Into Words. Maybe I Could Get A Little Bit Drunk And Dance It For You.

I've Inherited The Worst Of Each Parent. I Have My Father's Hypochondria And Lack Of Concentration. I Have His Amorality. I Have Everything Bad That He Had. Then I Have My Mother's Surly, Pill-like, Complaining, Whining Attitude.

I've Always Been Lucky In Casting. The Trick In Casting Is To Hire Great People, And Let Them Do What They Do, Don't Interfere With Them Too Much. And Then When They're Great, Take Credit For It In The End.

My Films Are A Form Of Psychoanalysis, Except That It Is I Who Am Paid, Which Changes Everything.

It Figures You've Got To Hate Yourself If You've Got Any Integrity At All.

Nothing Like A Little Post-traumatic Stress Disorder To Make Your Day Complete.

With Me; It's Just A Genetic Dissatisfaction With Everything.

Dissatisfaction

Then Job Fell To His Knees And Cried To The Lord, "thine Is The Kingdom And The Power And Glory. Thou Hast A Good Job. Don't Blow It."

Don't Worry, I Know Almost Exactly What I'm Doing.

I Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food Dead - Not Sick, Not Wounded - Dead.

I Wonder If Socrates And Plato Took A House On Crete During The Summer.

I Don't Want To Be Immortal Through My Works. I Want To Be Immortal By Not Dying.

My Relationship With American Audiences Is The Exact Same As It Always Has Been. They Never Came To See My Films, And They Don't Come Now.

I Am An Only Child. I Have One Sister.

Not Only Is There No God, But Try Finding A Plumber On Sunday.

Sometimes Some Of The Best Moments Are Contributed By The Actors Being Creative, With Their Own Improvisations.

I Have A Number Of Symptoms That Are Neurotic And Are Constricting In The Sense That If I Had A Brilliant Idea For A Film That Had To Be Shot In Tulsa, Ok I Would Tear It Up And Throw It Away. Anything Outside Of New York, 'cause I Can't Exist In A Hotel Outside Of My Own Home, I Have To Be In My Own Home And My Own Environment. This Is A Neurotic Symptom That Is Constricting To My Work Even.

Raised By Two Mothers...wow, Most Of Us Barely Survive One

My Mind Can Never Know My Body, Although It Has Become Quite Friendly With My Legs.

And In All Of Babylonia There Was Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth, 'til The Prophets Bade The Multitudes Get A Grip On Themselves And Shape Up.

Reality May Not Be The Best Of All Possible Worlds, But It's Still The Only Place Where You Can Get A Decent Steak.

90 Per Cent Of Success Is Turning Up.

I'm Not A Big Believer In The Sense Of Jews Having A Monopoly On Comedy.

I Was A Nervous Child, I Was A Bedwetter. I Used To Sleep With An Electric Blanket And I Was Constantly Electrocuting Myself.

Every Success Is Built On The Ability To Do Better Than Good Enough. As You Climb The Ladder Of Success, Be Sure It's Leaning Against The Right Building. Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up.

Take The Money And Run.

It Is Impossible To Experience One's Death Objectively And Still Carry A Tune.

My Heart Says One Thing. My Head Says Another. Very Hard To Get Your Heart And Head Together In Life.

Events Unfold So Unpredictably, So Unfairly, Human Happiness Does Not Seem To Be Included In The Design Of Creation. It Is Only We, With Our Capacity To Love That Give Meaning To The Indifferent Universe. And Yet, Most Human Beings Seem To Have The Ability To Keep Trying And Even Try To Find Joy From Simple Things, Like Their Family, Their Work, And From The Hope That Future Generations Might Understand More.

Capacity To Love

I'm So Excited-i Think Today I'm Going To Brush All My Teeth.

It's Just Gossip, You Know. Gossip Is The New Pornography.

I Have One Last Request. Don't Use Embalming Fluid On Me; I Want To Be Stuffed With Crab Meat.

There Are Three Things Jewish People Worship-god, Chinese Food And Wall-to-wall Carpeting.

When It Comes To Sex There Are Certain Things That Should Always Be Left Unknown, And With My Luck, They Probably Will Be.

Don't Think Of Death As An Ending. Think Of It As A Really Effective Way Of Cutting Down Your Expenses.

Error, No Keyboard. Press F1 To Continue.

You Make A Film And Always Hope You're Going Make "citizen Kane" Or "the Bicycle Thief." You Make The Film, And For One Reason Or Another, One Clicks And One Doesn't, But It's Out Of Your Control Completely.

My Films Are Therapy For My Debilitating Depression. In Institutions People Weave Baskets. I Make Films.

If The [actors] Are Working, And I Have A Dinner Engagement, I Don't Do 20 Takes. I Do Five Takes And Go Home. I Want To Go To Dinner.

The Comedies Are Not A Million Laughs On The Set. Its Business And The Dramas Are Business As Well, Really. When I'm Writing It I Struggle More With Drama Because I Started Out In Comedy.

Some People Want To Achieve Immortality Through Their Works Or Their Descendants. I Prefer To Achieve Immortality By Not Dying.

I Wish I Was Writing Something Much More Heavy Each Time I Did A Film, And That The Comedies Just Occasionally Come Out. But Unfortunately You're Stuck With What You're Born With.

Bisexuality Doubles Your Chances Of A Date On A Saturday Night. I Believe That Sex Is A Beautiful Thing Between Two People. Between Five, It's Fantastic. If There Is Reincarnation, I'd Like To Come Back As Warren Beatty's Fingertips. I'm Such A Good Lover Because I Practice A Lot On My Own. My Love Life Is Terrible. The Last Time I Was Inside A Woman Was When I Visited The Statue Of Liberty. Sex Without Love Is An Empty Experience, But As Empty Experiences Go It's A Pretty Good One.

Change Is Almost Always Negative. Things Degenerate.

I Did Not Marry The First Girl That I Fell In Love With, Because There Was A Tremendous Religious Conflict, At The Time. She Was An Atheist, And I Was An Agnostic.

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