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I Am Not A Perfect Friend, And It Is Impossible Not To Rebuff Or Be Rebuffed If You Move About The World.

-Anne Roiphe

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I Am Not A

Anne Roiphe

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I Am Not A Perfect Friend, And It Is Impossible Not To Rebuff Or Be Rebuffed If You Move About The World.

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More From Anne Roiphe

I've Told The Same Story Twelve Different Ways, But I Think That's Just Part Of What Writers Do. Once May Not Be Enough.

A Person Who Has No Secrets Is A Liar. We Always Fold Ourselves Away From Others Just Enough To Preserve A Secret Or Two, Something That We Cannot Share Without Destroying Our Inner Landscape.

We Flashed Our Feathers When The Feathers Were Fit To Be Flashed, And Now, In Drearier Days, Many Stay Indoors.

Everybody Is Bound By Some Social Rules. But I Think That Artists Need Some Kind Of Freedom To Explore Their Minds And That Some Of Them Tend To Take That Freedom To Live A Little More Openly Or A Little More Dangerously, Sometimes A Lot More Self-destructively, Than Other People.

I Believe That It Is Our Human Right To Be Parents And Women. And There's No Contradiction Between Feminism, Which Means Women Should Have All That They Are Entitled To, All That They Can Do, All The Opportunities That They Can Take Advantage Of They Should Have.

Most Of Us Don't Have Mothers Who Blazed A Trail For Us--at Least, Not All The Way. Coming Of Age Before Or During The Inception Of The Women's Movement, Whether As Working Parents Or Homemakers, Whether Married Or Divorced, Our Mothers Faced Conundrums--what Should They Be? How Should They Act?--that Became Our Uncertainties.

Working Parents

My Mother Had Died When I Wrote My First Book. I Was Twenty-seven, So It Was Right At The Beginning Of My Writing Life. I Don't Know If She Had Lived, If I Would Have Done It, Certainly Not Quite Like I Did. But, You Can't Rethink It. You Wrote What You Wrote, It Meant Something To Other People, And That's Your Good.

I Really Consider Myself A Writer, And A Writer Who Is Sometimes A Social Critic. I'm Not An Ideologue, I Don't Join A Party. I Follow Along And Take Notes. Sometimes I Throw In My Two Cents.

Is It Possible That My Sons-in-law Will Do Toilets? If We Raise Boys To Know That Diapers Need To Be Changed And Refrigerators Need To Be Cleaned, There's Hope For The Next Generation.

Some People Who Think They Are In Unhappy Marriages Are Just In Unhappy Bodies.

People Always Think Their World Is Coming To An End If They're Exposed, And Of Course It Isn't Coming To An End; It Goes Right On Exactly The Way It Always Was.

Decay Is Quiet But Ghastly, Explosion Is Dramatic And Dreadful. There's Not Much To Choose Between The Two Of Them In Reality, And Most Of Our Lives Have Sufficient Of Both.

Sometimes What We Call Love Is Just A Settling Of Old Scores, Or A Seeking Of Forbidden Pain, Or A Circuitous Path To The Kingdom Of Cruelty, Or She May Simply Have Confused Lack Of Capital With Heroism While Searching For Rescue Without Knowing From What.

It's True, We Tend To Write About The Same Thing Over And Over Again Because This Is Our Trauma. If I Had Been In World War Ii, I Might Have Been Writing About D-day Over And Over Again.

What Other People Think Of Me Is Not Really My Major Concern In Life. What Other People Think Of What I Write Is Another Matter.

I Think That Certainly The Artists Of The '40s, '50s And '60s Were Fighting A Very Conformist Society, Which Didn't Give Them Enough Space To Live Or Create, And They Were Bucking All Kinds Of Spoken And Unspoken Rules.

People Always Tell Me Either A. You Love Him. B. You Hate Him. My Usual Answer? C. All Of The Above.

I Have Two Writer Daughters, And A Psychoanalyst Daughter, And A Lawyer Daughter, And They Wish We Didn't Write, I'm Sure, But We Write. If We Were A Painting Family, We Would Paint.

When I Grew Up, You Needed To Have Straight Hair. It's Symbolic Of Needing To Be Like Everyone Else, Needing To Look Like Everyone Else. And What That Meant Was Looking Like The Dominant Ruling Class In America.

I Think It Is A Good Thing To Have Woman Friends At Every Stage Of Life. We Confide In Each Other, We Support Each Other, We Understand Each Other Most Of The Time. Of Course, Sometimes We Are Competitive Or Angry Or Distant, Too. But I Do Think It Is Important Not To Let The Main Friendships Slip Away In The Sweep Of The Days.

If I Were Planning To Be Stranded On A Desert Island, I Wouldn't Take Freud's Books With Me, Because I've Already Read Them All.

I Don't Really Think It Comes As A Shock To Every Writer If Somebody In Their Family Is Mad At Them. Yes, It's Very Upsetting. But It's Inherent In The Process Of Trying To Make Sense Of One's Life, Which Is What I Think Is Perhaps At The Bottom Of Writing At All.

Reader, You Forget That Economics Precedes Religion; Worship Grew Out Of Eating, Not The Other Way Around.

A Woman Whose Smile Is Open And Whose Expression Is Glad Has A Kind Of Beauty No Matter What She Wears.

I Would Prefer You Not To Say, "that Was The Most Terribly Written Piece I've Ever Read." That Would Hurt Me. But You Don't Think I'm The Best Person In The World? Well, Alright.

There Is Cruelty In Divorce. There Is Cruelty In Forced Or Unfortunate Marriage. We Will Continue To Cry At Weddings Because We Know How Bittersweet, How Fragile Is The Truth. We Will Always Need Legal Divorce Just As An Emergency Escape Hatch Is Crucial In Every Submarine. No Sense, However, In Denying That After Every Divorce Someone Will Be Running Like A Cat, Tin Cans Tied To Its Tail: Spooked And Slowed Down.

It Is Hard To Hold On To Friendships When People Move Away To Another State Or To Another World.

One Of The Things About Parents And Children Is That There Is No Way That You Go Through This Without There Being Mutual Anger.

Romanticizing The Act Of Writing Or Any Other Art Is Not Very Helpful To The Artist Or The Art. It's Much Better If One Simply Does.

I Know That Family Life In America Is A Minefield, An Economic Trap For Women, A Study In Disappointment For Both Sexes.

I Feel That The World Needs Writers. We Need To Know What's Really Going On.

Grief Is In Two Parts. The First Is Loss. The Second Is The Remaking Of Life.

However, There Probably Is A Slight Connection Between The High-wire, Super Sensitivity, Open To Everything And Too Much, And Slightly Fragile Soul Of The Artist And The Need To Self-medicate, Which Can Lead To Bad Trouble Either In Drugs, Or Alcohol. So It's Not That There's No Connection, It's Just That We Can't Make Too Much Of It Because It Isn't The Addiction That's The Issue, It's The Fragility Of Some People Who Do Artistic Work, Who End Up In Rehab Somewhere Or Other.

I Am Not A Perfect Friend, And It Is Impossible Not To Rebuff Or Be Rebuffed If You Move About The World.

How Deep Is Our Desire To Do Better Than Our Mothers--to Bring Daughters Into Adulthood Strong And Fierce Yet Loving And Gentle, Adventurous And Competitive But Still Nurturing And Friendly, Sweet Yet Sharp. We Know As Working Women That We Can't Quite Have It All, But That Hasn't Stopped Us From Wanting It All For Them.

We Were Not Always 70, Or Rather Our 70 Is An Accumulation Of All The Other Ways We Were. Our 5-year-old Selves Became Our 10-year-old Selves, And So On And On; And If We Unpack Our Selves, The Full Album Appears. Every Moment Is A Part Of The Following Moment, And We Are All A Continuum.

You Can Be Creative And Not Addictive, Or Addictive And Not Creative. Most Addicted People Do Not Produce Anything Of Remarkable Note.

You Have To Have A Certain Kind Of Thickening Of The Hide. I Mean, I'm Not Particularly Worried About What Other People Think. If Other People Think That I Was Not The World's Most Perfect Mother, They Are Completely Right.

We Have To Recognize That It Is A Very, Very Painful Thing For People To Be Exposed To Their Social Community, To Be Exposed In The World, As Not What They Would Have Wanted To Be Seen As. This Is Very Painful And Difficult For People.

God Is A God Of Lovingkindness.

We Also Have To Make Sure Our Children Know The History Of Women. Tell Them The Rotten Truth: It Wasn't Always Possible For Women To Become Doctors Or Managers Or Insurance People. Let Them Be Armed With A True Picture Of The Way We Want It To Be.

I Have Always Been Fascinated By The Human Mind, Conscious And Unconscious - That Is What Writing And Reading Is About, Too. The Why Of Your Life And The Why Of Your Choices And The What Has Happened That You Know And The What That You Don't Know Is Really Riveting, And Psychoanalysts Share My Wonder At How It All Unfolds.

Many Writers Do Write About Their Families And Their Immediate Loved Ones And Love Experiences, Either As Children Or As Adults. And Very Often People Get Offended By It.

Self-pity Is Never Useful. It Tends To Distort Like A Fun-house Mirror.

You Have To Be A Lover Of Books Without Expecting More Of Them Than They Give - A Little Pleasure, A Little Insight, A Moment Of Escape, A Deepening Of Your Own Humanity. Not Much Else.

Friendship Needs Both Confidences And Confidence In The Other's Outstretched Hand.

You Need Your Freedom. You Need To Be Able To Do What You Want To Do As A Journalist, As A Person Who's Speaking For Other Women As You Speak For Yourself, And You Make A Choice. You Have To Be Tough Enough To Take The Consequences Of That Choice.

They Want To Play At Being Mothers. So Let Them. Expressing Tenderness In Their Own Way Will Not Prevent Girls From Enjoying A Successful Career In The Future; Indeed, The Ability To Nurture Is As Valuable A Skill In The Workplace As The Ability To Lead.

I Think Our Material Is Our Lives. That's Part Of Being A Modern Writer, And We Have To Use It.

Our Mythology Tells Us So Much About Fathers And Sons. ... What Do We Know About Mothers And Daughters? ... Our Power Is So Oblique, So Hidden, So Ethereal A Matter, That We Rarely Struggle With Our Daughters Over Actual Kingdoms Or Corporate Shares. On The Other Hand, Our Attractiveness Dries As Theirs Blooms, Our Journey Shortens Just As Theirs Begins. We Too Must Be Afraid And Awed And Amazed That We Cannot Live Forever And That Our Replacements Are Eager For Their Turn, Indifferent To Our Wishes, Ready To Leave Us Behind.

You Really Can't Say Things That Upset Someone In Print And Expect Them To Be Nice And Leave You Their Money. That's Just Not Reasonable.

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