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I Always Write The Same Way. I Always Write With A Yellow Pad And A Ballpoint Pen On My Bed. And Then I Go And Type It Up Afterwards. I've Always Done That. Those Things Become Habitual.

-Woody Allen

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I Always Write The

Woody Allen

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I Always Write The Same Way. I Always Write With A Yellow Pad And A Ballpoint Pen On My Bed. And Then I Go And Type It Up Afterwards. I've Always Done That. Those Things Become Habitual.

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There Are Two Important Things In The World, The First Is Sex. The Other Isn't All That Important.

It Is Clear The Future Holds Great Opportunities. It Also Holds Pitfalls. The Trick Will Be To Avoid The Pitfalls, Seize The Opportunities, And Get Back Home By Six O'clock.

You Make Films Whether They're Dramas Or Comedies About Neurotic People. Flawed People. Interesting Personality Traits. To Make Them About Calm, Stable Untroubled People Isn't Interesting.

The Last Woman I Was In Was The Statue Of Liberty.

My Education Was Dismal. I Went To A Series Of Schools For Mentally Disturbed Teachers.

Yes, But The Difference Is That When You're Dead And Somebody Yells, 'everybody Up, It's Morning,' It's Very Hard To Find Your Slippers.

This Is My Perspective And Has Always Been My Perspective On Life: I Have A Very Grim, Pessimistic View Of It. I Always Have, Since I Was A Little Boy. It Hasn't Gotten Worse With Age Or Anything. I Do Feel That It's A Grim, Painful, Nightmarish, Meaningless Experience, And That The Only Way That You Can Be Happy Is If You Tell Yourself Some Lies And Deceive Yourself.

But What If Everyone In The World Behaved Like Me And Came Here And Shot Brisseau Through The Ear? What A Mess! And Of Course We'd Need Valet Parking.

I'm Generally Not A Social Dramatist Or Comedy Writer. My Interests Have Always Been More In Psychological Stories Or Personal Relations And Comic Ideas.

I Don't Believe In An Afterlife, But I'm Taking An Extra Pair Of Underwear Just In Case.

I Have An Intense Desire To Return To The Womb. Anybody's.

I'm A Comedian. I Make Comic Films And There Are Certain Ideas That Occur To Me That Are Comic, With Heavy, Serious Undertones. There Are Some Ideas That Are More Frivolous To Me. The Next Idea That Could Occur To Me Could Be Comedy About Death And Famine Or Something.

Side Effects Not Only Is There No God, But Try Getting A Plumber On The Weekend. Woody Allen Sex Alleviates Tension. Love Causes It.

I'm Really A Timid Person - I Was Beaten Up By Quakers

The Good Sleep Better, But The Bad Seem To Enjoy The Waking Hours Much More.

Let's Say There Was No Terrorism Whatsoever And We Were All Very Nice To One Another And We Were All Kind, We Still Would Be Faced With An Extremely Cruel And Hostile Universe And Existence And So I'm A Great Pessimist And I Feel That It's Impossible Really To Be Happy, And That The Best You Can Hope For Is To Be Distracted.

Confidence Is What You Have Before You Understand The Problem.

I Once Stole A Pornographic Book That Was Printed In Braille. I Used To Rub The Dirty Parts.

I'm In Show Business. I'm Not Like A Poor Factory Worker Who'd Been Laid Off.

Factory Workers

I Wouldn't Necessarily Want To Be A Big Muscular Guy. It's Nice To Be Gorgeous Whether You're Male Or Female Assuming You Don't Lose Whatever Else You Have.

[an Audience Conditioned By A Lifetime Of Television-watching Is So Corrupted That] Their Standards Have Been Systematically Lowered Over The Years. These Guys Sit In Front Of Their Sets And The Gamma Rays Eat The White Cells Of Their Brains Out!

Television Watching

Error, No Keyboard. Press F1 To Continue.

I've Never Had A Block. I'm Talking Within The Limits Of My Abilities. But In My Own Small Way, I've Had An Embarrassment Of Riches. I'll Have Five Ideas And I'm Dying To Do Them All. It Takes Weeks Or Months Where I Agonize And Obsess Over Which To Do Next. I Wish Sometimes Someone Would Choose For Me. If Someone Said, Do Idea Number Three Next, That Would Be Fine. But I Have Never Had Any Sense Of Running Dry.

Sex And Death. Two Things That Come But Once In My Lifetime, But At Least After Death You're Not Nauseous.

I Do Believe That Reality Is Dreadful And That You Are Forced To Choose It In The End Or Go Crazy, But That It Kills You.

I Do Occasionally Envy The Person Who Is Religious Naturally, Without Being Brainwashed Into It Or Suckered Into It By All The Organized Hustles.

I Write The Script; Nobody Sees It, Not The People That Put The Money In The Picture. I Cast Who I Want, And Make The Film. That's Why I've Always Felt The Only Thing Standing Between Me And Greatness, Is Me. There's No Excuse For Me Not To Be Great Except That I'm Not.

All Literature Is A Footnote To Faust. I Have No Idea What I Mean By That.

I'm Going To My Psychoanalyst One More Year, Then I'm Going To Lourdes.

We Knew The Front Door Was Always Left Open, But We Broke In Just To Keep In Practice. Doxy Turned All The Washburn Family Photos To The Wall So There Wouldn't Be Any Witnesses.

Love May Be The Answer, But Even Though You're Watching For The Solution, Intercourse Raises Some Rather Interesting Thoughts.

What If Everything Is An Illusion And Nothing Exists? In That Case, I Definitely Overpaid For My Carpet.

I Believe There Is Something Out There Watching Us. Unfortunately, It's The Government.

Let's Say There Was A Burning Building And You Could Rush In And You Could Save Only One Thing: Either The Last Known Copy Of Shakespeare's Plays Or Some Anonymous Human Being. What Would You Do?

There Are Drawbacks In Being Famous Too, But You Can Live With Those. They're Not Life-threatening. If The Paparazzi Are Outside Your Restaurant Or Your House - And Actors Make Such A Big Thing Of It And Scurry Into Cars And Drape Things - You Think They're Going To Be Crucified Or Something. It's Not A Big Deal. You Can Get Used To That. It's Not So Terrible.

Paranoia Is Knowing All The Facts.

I'm At The Stage Of Life When If A Girl Says No To Me I'm Profoundly Grateful To Her.

And In All Of Babylonia There Was Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth, 'til The Prophets Bade The Multitudes Get A Grip On Themselves And Shape Up.

Tradition Is The Illusion Of Permanance.

The Whole Thrust Of Science And The Medical Profession Is To Try And Prevent It From Happening, To Try To Prolong Life, To Keep You From Dying, To Keep You From Getting Older, To Rejuvenate You. I Mean, That's Everybody's Wish. The Fountain Of Youth Is Everybody's Sought-after Thing.

I Feel About New York As A Child Whose Father Is A Bank Robber. Not Perfect, But I Still Love Him.

Chastity Is Curable, If Detected Early.

When I Was Born My Mother Was Terribly Disappointed. Not That She Wanted A Girl - She Wanted A Divorce.

I Wish I Could Think Of A Positive Point To Leave You With. Will You Take Two Negative Points?

I've Been Escaping My Whole Life. Since I Was A Little Child, I Escaped Into The Movies On The Other Side As An Audience Member. I Escaped By Going Into The Movies And Sitting In The Movies All Day Long.

Nothing Worth Knowing Can Be Understood With The Mind.

I Can Live In Paris For Four Months Or London Or, You Know, Barcelona. These Are Places That Are Like New York. But I Don't Think I Could Live In Many Places. When I Had To Make A Film In The United States I Picked San Francisco Because To Me It's One Of The Great Cities Of America.

I've Never Been Satisfied Or Even Pleased With A Film That I've Done. I Make Them, I'm Finished, I've Never Looked At One After. I Don't Like Them Because There's A Big Gap Between What You Conceive In Your Mind When You're Writing And You Don't Have To Meet The Test Of Reality. You're Home, You Write And It's Funny And Beautiful And Romantic And Dramatic, And Then You Have To Show Up On A Cold Morning, And You Don't Have Enough Of This And This Goes Wrong And You Make The Wrong Choice On Something And You Screwed Up And You Can't Go Back.

With Me; It's Just A Genetic Dissatisfaction With Everything.

Dissatisfaction

I Asked The Girl If She Could Bring A Sister For Me. She Did. Sister Maria Teresa. It Was A Very Slow Evening. We Discussed The New Testament. We Agreed That He Was Very Well Adjusted For An Only Child.

Rather Than Live On In The Hearts And Minds Of My Fellow Man, I Would Rather Live On In My Apartment.

I've Never Dated A Fictional Character Before. The Closest I Ever Came Was An Italian.

Fictional Character

I Didn't Believe In Reincarnation In My Past Life, And I Still Don't.

I Am Not Afraid Of Death. I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

Your Still Searching For Me In Every Woman. You'll Always Seek To Duplicate What We Had. You Know It.

How The Hell Do I Know Why There Were Nazis? I Don't Know How The Can-opener Works.

For Some Reason It Gives People Pleasure To Equate The Life Of Certain Movie Actors Or Actresses With Their Actual Lives.

If You Take A Frown And Turn It Upside Down, The Person You Are Holding By The Ankles Will Soon Pass Out.

I'm A Creature Of The New York City Streets.

I've Never Felt Truth Was Beauty. Never. I've Always Felt That People Can't Take Too Much Reality. I Like Being In Ingmar Bergman's World. Or In Louis Armstrong's World. Or In The World Of The New York Knicks. Because It's Not This World. You Spend Your Whole Life Searching For A Way Out. You Just Get An Overdose Of Reality, You Know, And It's A Terrible Thing. I'm Always Fighting Against Reality.

Why Not? Life Is Short, Life Is Dull, Life Is Full Of Pain - And This Is A Chance For Something Special.

I'd Always Wanted To Be A Dramatic. Comedy Comes More Naturally To Me. I Can Do It With More Facility. So I Feel More Comfortable With It.

A Stockbroker Is Someone Who Invests Other People's Money Until It Is All Gone.

I Don't Think My Film Style Has Changed. I'm Doing The Same Kind Of Jokes I Did When I Was Younger.

My Relationship With American Audiences Is The Exact Same As It Always Has Been. They Never Came To See My Films, And They Don't Come Now.

Man Cannot Live By Bread Alone. Every Once In Awhile He Needs A Salad.

What If Nothing Exists And We're All In Somebody's Dream? Or What's Worse, What If Only That Fat Guy In The Third Row Exists?

Until You've Been Kissed On A Rainy Parisian Afternoon - You've Never Been Kissed.

Never Been Kissed

You Can Be With Your Wife, Very Happily Married, And Then You Meet Some Woman And You Love Her. But You Love Your Wife, Too. And You Also Love That One. Or If She's Met Some Man And She Loves The Man And She Loves You. And Then You Meet Somebody Else And Now There Are Three Of You. Why Only One Person?

Sometimes The Critics Will Like A Film, And The Public Doesn't Come. Sometimes The Critics Won't Like The Film, And The Public Will Come. It's Completely Spontaneous. It's A Hazard.

I Don't Want To Move To A City Where The Only Cultural Advantage Is Being Able To Make A Right Turn On A Red Light.

In Perpetrating A Revolution, There Are Two Requirements: Someone Or Something To Revolt Against And Someone To Actually Show Up And Do The Revolting. Dress Is Usually Casual And Both Parties May Be Flexible About Time And Place, But If Either Faction Fails To Attend, The Whole Enterprise Is Likely To Come Off Badly.

Gauguin Flew Into A Frenzy! He Held My Head Under The X-ray Machine For Ten Straight Minutes And For Several Hours After I Could Not Blink My Eyes In Unison." — "if The Impressionists Had Been Dentists

All Things Are Possible, Except Skiing Through A Revolving Door.

Therefore, To Be Unhappy One Must Love, Or Love To Suffer, Or Suffer From Too Much Happiness. I Hope You're Getting This Down.

I Can't Even Make A Leap Of Faith To Believe In My Own Existence.

After 60, All Of Us Belong To The Weaker Sex.

I See The Glass Half Full...but Of Poison.

As An Artist, You Are Always Striving Toward An Ultimate Achievement But Never Seem To Reach It. You Shoot A Film, And The Result Could Have Always Been Better. You Try Again, And Fail Once More. In Some Ways I Find It Enjoyable. You Never Lose Sight Of Your Goal. I Don’t Do My Job To Make Money Or To Break Box Office Records, I Simply Try Things Out. What Would Happen If I Were To Achieve Perfection At Some Point? What Would I Do Then?

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives. All The Attendant Hoopla About It, The Success Over It Or The Critical Rejection—none Of That Really Matters. In The End, The Thing Will Survive Or Not On Its Own Merits. Not That Immortality Via Art Is Any Big Deal. Truffaut Died, And We All Felt Awful About It, And There Were The Appropriate Eulogies, And His Wonderful Films Live On. But It’s Not Much Help To Truffaut.

See, I Never Gain An Ounce, Because, You Know, My Anxiety Acts Like Aerobics.

When We Played Softball, I'd Steal Second Base, Feel Guilty And Go Back.

During The Course Of The Year A Number Of Ideas Just Come Up Automatically. I Could Be Walking Down The Street. Or Shaving. An Idea Will Hit Me And I'll Write It Down. Then, When I'm Ready To Write, I Check My Little Matchbooks And Napkins And Find That It Is Good Or It's Pretty Terrible. There Are Other Times When I Don't Have Any Ideas And I'll Go Into A Room And Close The Door And I Sit And Sweat It Out For A Day Or A Month And Eventually I Come Up With [something].

Should I Marry W? Not If She Won't Tell Me The Other Letters In Her Name. And What About Her Career? How Can I Ask A Woman Of Her Beauty To Give Up The Roller Derby? Decisions...

What I Do Know About Physics Is That To A Man Standing On The Shore, Time Passes Quicker Than To A Man On A Boat - Especially If The Man On The Boat Is With His Wife.

I Was Thrown Out Of Nyu For Cheating-with The Deans Wife

Events Unfold So Unpredictably, So Unfairly, Human Happiness Does Not Seem To Be Included In The Design Of Creation. It Is Only We, With Our Capacity To Love That Give Meaning To The Indifferent Universe. And Yet, Most Human Beings Seem To Have The Ability To Keep Trying And Even Try To Find Joy From Simple Things, Like Their Family, Their Work, And From The Hope That Future Generations Might Understand More.

Capacity To Love

People Always Tease Me. They Say, Look At You, You Went For So Much Psychoanalysis And You're So Neurotic, You Wind Up Marrying A Girl So Much Younger Than You.

Honey, You're The One Who Stopped Sleeping With Me, Ok? It'll Be A Year Come April 20th. I Remember The Date Exactly, Because It Was Hitler's Birthday

If You Don't Fail Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Playing It Safe.

Playing It Safe

I Failed To Make The Chess Team Because Of My Height.

Marriage Is Like Mushrooms: We Notice Too Late If They Are Good Or Bad.

The Roe Is Reputed To Sleep For A Thousand Years And Then Suddenly Rise In Flames, Particularly If It Was Smoking When It Dozed Off.

I'm Giving [my Analyst] One More Year--then I'm Going To Lourdes.

We Stand At A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair, The Other To Destruction. Let's Hope We Make The Right Choice.

Twenty-one Years Ago, When I First Heard Mia Farrow Had Accused Me Of Child Molestation, I Found The Idea So Ludicrous I Didn't Give It A Second Thought. We Were Involved In A Terribly Acrimonious Breakup, With Great Enmity Between Us And A Custody Battle Slowly Gathering Energy. The Self-serving Transparency Of Her Malevolence Seemed So Obvious I Didn't Even Hire A Lawyer To Defend Myself. It Was My Show Business Attorney Who Told Me She Was Bringing The Accusation To The Police And I Would Need A Criminal Lawyer.

I Myself Don't Like To Speak To The Actors At All. I Like To Hire Great People And Let Them Do Their Thing. I Don't Like To Speak To Them. I Don't Like To Have Lunch With Them. I Don't Like To Socialize With Them. I Don't Like To Hear Their Ideas.

People Still Have Existential Anxiety. It Just May Not Be Expressed In Hebraic Idiom.

You'll Live To Be A Hundred If You Give Up All The Things That Make You Want To.

I Cannot Say For Certain That God Does Not Exist; I Think The Worst Thing That Can Be Said About Him Is That He's A Bit Of An Underachiever.

I'm Afraid Of The Dark,and Suspicious Of The Light.

I Don't Inhale Because It Gives You Cancer, But I Look So Incredibly Handsome With A Cigarette That I Can't Not Hold One.

Why Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say, Lettered?

American Films, It's A Money-making Industry. And In France, You Can Find Great Respect For Cinema As Art.

Doing Abominations Is Against The Law, Particularly If The Abominations Are Done While Wearing A Lobster Bib.

I Have One Last Request. Don't Use Embalming Fluid On Me; I Want To Be Stuffed With Crab Meat.

When You Start Putting A Higher Value On Works Of Art Than People, You’re Forfeiting Your Humanity.

Music Has Always Helped My Films. In 'the Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' You Can Hear 'sunrise' By Glenn Miller, An Idol Of My Childhood, In The Surprise Ending. I Like Mixing Comedy With Suspense And Action.

Meanwhile, The Minute You Put On The Dotted Line Your Sam Hancock - And Before A Notary - You'll Not Only Get The Negative But Elsie Makes A Wonderful Stuffed Cabbage Which We'll Include Gratis A Few Portions But Return The Jars Please.

Some People Want To Achieve Immortality Through Their Works Or Their Descendants. I Prefer To Achieve Immortality By Not Dying.

I Know What I Think But I Don't Know How To Put It Into Words. Maybe I Could Get A Little Bit Drunk And Dance It For You.

I Had An Iq Test. The Results Came Back Negative.

In The Shower, With The Hot Water Coming Down, You've Left The Real World Behind, And Very Frequently Things Open Up For You. It's The Change Of Venue, The Unblocking The Attempt To Force The Ideas That's Crippling You When You're Trying To Write.

I Took A Speed-reading Course And Read War And Peace In Twenty Minutes. It Involves Russia.

Raised By Two Mothers...wow, Most Of Us Barely Survive One

I'm Very Old-fashioned. I Believe That People Should Stay Married For Life, Like Pigeons And Catholics.

Bisexuality Doubles Your Chances Of A Date On A Saturday Night. I Believe That Sex Is A Beautiful Thing Between Two People. Between Five, It's Fantastic. If There Is Reincarnation, I'd Like To Come Back As Warren Beatty's Fingertips. I'm Such A Good Lover Because I Practice A Lot On My Own. My Love Life Is Terrible. The Last Time I Was Inside A Woman Was When I Visited The Statue Of Liberty. Sex Without Love Is An Empty Experience, But As Empty Experiences Go It's A Pretty Good One.

My Grandfather Had A Wonderful Funeral... On The Buffet Table There Was A Replica Of The Deceased In Potato Salad.

Then Job Fell To His Knees And Cried To The Lord, "thine Is The Kingdom And The Power And Glory. Thou Hast A Good Job. Don't Blow It."

For The First Year Of Marriage I Had Basically A Bad Attitude. I Tended To Place My Wife Underneath A Pedestal.

Life Is Hard For Insects. And Don't Think Mice Are Having Any Fun Either.

Remember, If You Smoke After Sex You're Doing It Too Fast.

Not Think Of Death As An End, But Think Of It More As A Very Effective Way Of Cutting Down On Your Expenses.

Regarding Love What Can You Say? It's Not The Quantity Of Your Sexual Relations That Counts. It's The Quality. On The Other Hand If The Quantity Drops Below Once Every Eight Months, I Would Definitely Look Into It.

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They Aren't Out To Get You.

I Never Considered Myself An Artist. I Aspire To Be An Artist, But I Never Thought I Had The Depth Or Substance Or Gift To Be An Artist. I Do Think I Have Some Talent, But It Doesn't Go As Far As Being An Artist.

[the Universe Is] Haphazard, Morally Neutral, And Unimaginably Violent.

There Is Something About Big Cities That Turns Me On, And For Whatever Mysterious Reason, Places Like New York And Paris Inspire Me. I Think It's Because Cities Represent Civilization, And As Crime-ridden And Broken Down As Some Of Them Are, It's Still Better Than Skipping Through A Meadow.

What Has Gotten Into You Lately? Save A Little Craziness For Menopause!

Life Is Unresolved, Confusing, Bewildering, Puzzling, Ambiguous. You Don't Really Know What's Going To Happen. The Future Is Uncertain For Everybody.

My Lord, My Lord! What Hath Thou Done Lately?

I Had A Terrible Education. I Attended A School For Emotionally Disturbed Teachers.

If You Are Not Failing Now And Again, Its A Sign You Are Not Doing Anything Very Innovative

People Ask Me Whether I Think That One Day I Might Wake Up One Morning And Run Dry, But I've Had The Opposite Feeling - That I Would Die Before I Had Time To Write All The Ideas In My Drawer.

I'm Such A Good Lover Because I Practice A Lot On My Own.

Honey, There's A Spider In Your Bathroom The Size Of A Buick.

It's Easier To Direct. If You Direct Something Poorly And Re-shoot It The Next Day, Stage It Better, Make It Work Better, You Have A Lot Of Possibilities. You Can Edit It In Certain Ways So That It Works, But There's No Getting Around Weaknesses Of The Script.

I Do The Movies Just For Myself Like An Institutionalized Person Who Basket-weaves. Busy Fingers Are Happy Fingers. I Don't Care About The Films. I Don't Care If They're Flushed Down The Toilet After I Die.

Is Old Age Really So Terrible? Not If You've Brushed Your Teeth Faithfully.

If I Could Just Hope To Have A Major Talent, Then I Would Rather Have It In Music Than In Any Other Field.

If There Is Reincarnation, I'd Like To Come Back As Warren Beatty's Fingertips.

I've Always Been Lucky In Casting. The Trick In Casting Is To Hire Great People, And Let Them Do What They Do, Don't Interfere With Them Too Much. And Then When They're Great, Take Credit For It In The End.

Abysmal Vermin That I Am, I Couldn't Of Course Tell Her That It Was Her Incredible Mother That I Wanted To See Again… I Knew Only As I Drove Through The Cold, Night Autumn Air That Somewhere Freud, Sophocles And Eugene O’neill Were Laughing.

This Year I'm A Star, But What Will I Be Next Year? A Black Hole?

I Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I Was Either In Love Or I Had Smallpox.

Life Is Short. Short, And Not About Anything Except What You Can Touch And What Touches You.

I Was A Smart Kid And I Was Not Understood By My Parents.

When I'm Writing Something, If There's A Part That's Good For Me, Then I'll Play It. Otherwise, I Don't. And I Notice That There Are Less And Less Parts For Me In My Own Writing.

I'm Trying To Arrange My Life So I Don't Have To Be Present.

I Think [aging] Has Nothing To Recommend It. You Don't Gain Any Wisdom As The Years Go By. You Fall Apart, Is What Happens. People Try And Put A Nice Varnish On It, And Say, Well, You Mellow. You Come To Understand Life And Accept Things. But You'd Trade All Of That For Being 35 Again.

I Idolized Superman When I Was Younger. I Thought He And I Had A Lot In Common. He Was Always Going Into Phonebooths And Taking Off All His Clothes.

Everyone Wants To Get Out Of Living Where They're Living Now, Because Life Is A Pretty Tough Proposition And Not Much Fun. But When You Think Back To Earlier Times, You Only Extrapolate The Nice Things.

There's No Point In Looking Back, Because There's Nothing You Can Really Do To Improve The Film. You Can Only Aggravate And Wish You Had Done Stuff Better.

I've Always Had An Easy Time Directing Actors Because I Always Hire Ones That Are Great Before I Get My Hands On Them.

Ninety Percent Of Life Is Just Showing Up.

Fitness Motivational

When A Film Is Reviled, You Open A Film And People Say "oh, It's The Stupidest Thing, It's The Worst Movie." You Think: Oh, Nobody's Going To Ever Speak To You Again. But, It Doesn't Happen. Nobody Cares. You Know, They Read It And They Say "oh, They Hated Your Film." You Care, At The Time. But They Don't. Nobody Else Cares.

God Is Either Cruel Or Incompetent.

Your Self-esteem Is A Notch Below Kafka.

That's The Way I Feel About The World: There Are Certain Problems That Can Only Be Dealt With That Way - Going Out And Doing Them. As Ugly A Truth As That Is, I Do Think It's The Truth About The World.

When I Get Up In The Morning, I Go And I Work With Beautiful Women And Charming Men And Funny Comedians And Dramatic Artists. And I'm Presented With Costumes And Great Music To Choose From And Sets. I Travel A Certain Amount Of Places, So I've Been Living In A Bubble. And I Like It.

My Parents Stayed Together For Forty Years. But That Was Out Of Spite.

Visually I've Always Liked The 20s 30s For Film. I Do These Because I Like The Music. I Like The Clothes. I Like The Way The Women And The Guys Look. There Are Soldiers And Sailors And Gangsters With The Machine Guns In Their Violin Cases. It's A Very Colorful Era Of New York, Full Of Great Theater And Great Nightclubs And Great Jazz.

If My Films Make One More Person Miserable, I'll Feel I Have Done My Job.

I Don't Have To 'freedom-kiss' My Wife When What I Really Want To Do Is French-kiss Her.

Don't You See The Rest Of The Country Looks Upon New York Like We're Left-wing, Communist, Jewish, Homosexual Pornographers? I Think Of Us That Way Sometimes And I Live Here.

My Parents Were Very Old World. They Come From Brooklyn, Which Is The Heart Of The Old World. Their Values In Life Are God And Carpeting.

Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

Who Bothers To Cook Tv Dinners? I Suck Them Frozen.

And My Parents Finally Realize I'm Kidnapped And They Snap Into Action Immediately: They Rent Out My Room.

There Is Always The Possibility That People Will Change. Real Change Is More Rare. You Are Who You Are At A Certain Age In Life You Are Pretty Much A Variation Of That Your Whole Life. It's Conceivable That You Will Change But It's Not Likely.

You're Still In Love' 'no I'm Not, I'm Not She'll Always Be A Part Of Me, And She's An Important Person In My Life But For The Two Of Us Something Wasn't Working.' 'what Element?' 'we Never Found Out

All The Crap They Tell You About... Getting Joy And Having A Kind Of Wisdom In Your Golden Years - It's All Tripe.

No, No, I'm A Lowbrow. I Read [dostoevsky] More Out Of Obligation Than Enjoyment. For Enjoyment, For Me, It's A Beer And The Football Game.

I've Always Been Interested In Being In Other People's Movies. I Never Get Any Offers.

A Wife Lasts Only For The Length Of The Marriage, But An Ex-wife Is There For The Rest Of Your Life.

I Don't Why Whatever Works And Whatever Doesn't. You Just Make The Film That You Enjoy Making At The Time, And You Think There's A Good Chance That People Might Enjoy The Story. You're Surprised Pleasantly When They Do. It's Just Luck.

The Man Who Said 'i'd Rather Be Lucky Than Good' Saw Deeply Into Life. People Are Afraid To Face How Great A Part Of Life Is Dependent On Luck. It's Scary To Think So Much Is Out Of One's Control. There Are Moments In A Match When The Ball Hits The Top Of The Net And For A Split Second It Can Either Go Forward Or Fall Back. With A Little Luck It Goes Forward And You Win. Or Maybe It Doesn't And You Lose.

When You Make The Film, It's Like A Chef Who Works On The Meal. After You're Working All Day In The Kitchen And Dicing And Cutting And Putting The Sauces On, You Don't Want To Eat It. That's How I Always Feel About The Films. I Work On It For A Year. I've Written It, I've Worked With The Actors, I've Edited, Put The Music In. I Just Never Want To See It Again.

Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Think I Can Get The Money To Make It Into A Concept, And Later Turn It Into An Idea.

The Great Roe Is A Mythological Beast With The Head Of A Lion And The Body Of A Lion, Though Not The Same Lion.

The French Make Two Mistakes About Me. They Think I'm An Intellectual Because I Wear These Glasses And They Think I'm An Artist Because My Films Lose Money.

By Now They Had Mastered My Own Language, But They Still Made Simple Mistakes, Like Using 'hermeneutics,' When They Meant 'heuristic'.

We Laughed Over It, And Hemingway Punched Me In The Mouth.

I Work For A Company That Makes Deceptively Shallow Serving Dishes For Chinese Restaurants.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, I Wish I Could Be A Great Pianist Or Something.

The Government Is Unresponsive To The Needs Of The Little Man. Under 5' 7", It Is Impossible To Get Your Congressman On The Phone.

More Than At Any Other Time In History, Mankind Faces A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair And Utter Hopelessness. The Other, To Total Extinction. Let Us Pray We Have The Wisdom To Choose Correctly. I Speak, By The Way, Not With Any Sense Of Futility, But With A Panicky Conviction Of The Absolute Meaninglessness Of Existence Which Could Easily Be Misinterpreted As Pessimism. It Is Not. It Is Merely A Healthy Concern For The Predicament Of Modern Man.

When I'm Not Working, I Think And I Think When I Get Depressed.

End Production Today. Wrap Party As Usual A Little Sad. Slow Danced With Scarlett. Broke Her Toe. Not My Fault. When She Dipped Me Back, I Stepped On It. Penélope [cruz] And Javier [bardem] Anxious To Work With Me Again. Said If I Ever Come Up With Another Screenplay To Try And Find Them. Goodbye Drink With Rebecca [hall]. Sentimental Moment. Everyone In Cast And Crew Chipped In And Bought Me A Ballpoint Pen.

Don't Worry, I Know Almost Exactly What I'm Doing.

I Can Make Films. And Some Of Them Come Out Good, And Some Of Them Come Out Better, And Some Of Them Come Out Worse. But I've Been Very Lucky Over The Years To Be Able To Sustain The Length Of Career That I've Had.

I Believe People Ought To Mate For Life...like Pigeons Or Catholics.

I Was A Nervous Child, I Was A Bedwetter. I Used To Sleep With An Electric Blanket And I Was Constantly Electrocuting Myself.

I Usually Want To Crawl Into The Ground After I Make A Film, Almost Invariably.

I Want To Tell You A Terrific Story About Oral Contraception. I Asked This Girl To Sleep With Me And She Said 'no.

I Can Understand That An Audience, Buying A Ticket To See A Picture Of Mine, Wants To See Something Funny Because They Feel Confident That At Least I Have A Fighting Chance To Make A Funny Film When I Make A Film, Whereas If I Make A Dramatic Film There's One Chance In A Thousand That It's Really Going To Come Out Great, So I Understand How They Feel About That And They're Completely Right.

The Prettiest Women Are Almost Always The Most Boring, And That Is Why Some People Feel There Is No God.

There Is No God

The Baby Is Fine. The Only Problem Is That He Looks Like Edward G. Robinson.

To Me, Movies Are Valuable As An Art Form And As A Wonderful Means Of Popular Entertainment. But I Think Movies Have Gone Terribly Wrong.

Please Forgive Me. My Pedicurist Had A Stroke. She Fell Forward Onto The Orange Stick And Plunged It Into My Toe. It Required Bandaging.

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Heston Blumenthal

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