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Have You Noticed That They Put Advertisements In With Your Bills Now? Like Bills Aren't Distasteful Enough, They Have To Stuff Junk Mail In There With Them. I Get Back At Them. I Put Garbage In With My Check When I Mail It In. Coffee Grinds, Banana Peels...i Write, "could You Throw This Away For Me?"

-Andy Rooney

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Have You Noticed That

Andy Rooney

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Have You Noticed That They Put Advertisements In With Your Bills Now? Like Bills Aren't Distasteful Enough, They Have To Stuff Junk Mail In There With Them. I Get Back At Them. I Put Garbage In With My Check When I Mail It In. Coffee Grinds, Banana Peels...i Write, "could You Throw This Away For Me?"

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Nothing In Fine Print Is Ever Good News.

My Most Serious Character Flaw Is That I Don't Deny Myself Much.

We're All Torn Between The Desire For Privacy And The Fear Of Lonliness. We Need Each Other And We Need To Get Away From Each Other. We Need Proximity And Distance, Conversation And Silence. We Almost Always Get More Of Each Than We Want At Any One Time.

I Don't Pick Subjects As Much As They Pick Me.

Anyone Who Watches Golf On Television Would Enjoy Watching The Grass Grow On The Greens.

It's Not So Much That I Write Well, I Just Don't Write Badly Very Often And That Passes For Good On Television.

Walking Is Good For The Soul.

I Just Sat There Looking At Television, Sort Of Dumb And Thought How Horrible It Was. I Had -- The Grand Aspects Of It Did Not Occur To Me -- I Had No Notion Of This Terrorist Network That Existed. I Knew The Were A Lot Of People In The World Who Didn't Like Us, But I Had No Idea That It Was As Well Organized As It Apparently Is. That's One Of The Amazing Facets Of This Terrible Event: How Well They Did It. Incredible. The Competence Of These Evil People.

Terrible Events

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Trial And Error

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I've Done A Lot Of Complaining Here, But Of All The Things I've Complained About, I Can't Complain About My Life.

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People Waiting For An Elevator Don't Know What To Do, Standing With Strangers. There Is Nothing To Do. Its An Uneasy Time. Some Press The Button Repeatedly As Though It Would Help.

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Punctuation Marks

We're All Proud Of Making Little Mistakes. It Gives Us The Feeling We Don't Make Any Big Ones.

I Am An Atheist... I Don't Understand Religion At All. I'm Sure I'll Offend A Lot Of People By Saying This, But I Think It's All Nonsense.

I Dislike Loud-mouthed Patriots Who Suggest They Like Our Country More Than I Do. Some People's Idea Of Patriotism Is Hating Other Countries.

Milk Without Fat Is Like Nonalcoholic Scotch.

Christians Talk As Though Goodness Was Their Idea But Good Behavior Doesn't Have Any Religious Origin. Our Prisons Are Filled With The Devout.

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Questions And Answers

It's Ridiculous For A Country To Get All Worked Up About A Game—except The Super Bowl, Of Course. Now That's Important.

I Did Not Believe In The War. I Thought It Was Wrong To Go Into Any War. And I Got To The War, And Saw The Germans, And I Changed My Mind. I Decided We Were Right Going Into World War Ii.

We're All Torn Between The Desire For Privacy And The Fear Of Loneliness.

You're Better Off Missing A Bus Or An Airplane Once In A While Than You Are Getting There Too Early All The Time.

It Is Possible To Be Dumb And Be A College President.

Last Night We Had Three Small Zucchini For Dinner That Were Grown Within Fifty Feet Of Our Back Door. I Estimate They Cost Somewhere In The Neighborhood Of $371.49 Each.

It Would Be A Better World If Everyone In It Knew All The Truth About Everything.

Would A Real Man Get Caught Eating A Twinkie?

I Just Wish Insignificance Had More Stature.

I'm Already Suspicious Of Anyone Who Thinks He Or She Is Smart Enough To Be President. You'd Have To Have Some Ego To Believe That About Yourself.

The Closing Of A Door Can Bring Blessed Privacy And Comfort - The Opening, Terror. Conversely, The Closing Of A Door Can Be A Sad And Final Thing - The Opening A Wonderfully Joyous Moment.

Most College Students Are Not As Smart As Most College Presidents.

My Mother Always Called Me 'sturdy' And Said I Have Big Bones. A Little Fat Is What I Am.

Civilization Means Conforming To A Standard Of Behavior That May Not Seem Natural To Us.

The Great Virtue Of Being Alone Is That Your Mind Can Go Its Own Way.

I Obviously Have A Knack For Getting On Paper What A Lot Of People Have Thought And Didn't Realize They Thought. And They Say, 'hey, Yeah!' And They Like That.

Uh, Yeah, This Is The Vd Clinic Calling. Speaking Of Being Positive, Your Test Is Back. Stop Sharing The Love.

The World Must Be Filled With Unsuccessful Musical Careers Like Mine, And It's Probably A Good Thing. We Don't Need A Lot Of Bad Musicians Filling The Air With Unnecessary Sounds. Some Of The Professionals Are Bad Enough.

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We All Ought To Understand We're On Our Own. Believing In Santa Claus Doesn't Do Kids Any Harm For A Few Years But It Isn't Smart For Them To Continue Waiting All Their Lives For Him To Come Down The Chimney With Something Wonderful. Santa Claus And God Are Cousins.

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I Hope All Of You Are Going To Fill Out Your Census Form When It Comes In The Mail Next Month. If You Don't Return The Form The Area You Live In Might Get Less Government Money And You Wouldn't Want That To Happen, Would You.

I Never Understood Retirement. What Is The Attraction Of Retirement? I Go Down There To Florida And Look Around And I Said, My God, Who Wants This? Not Me.

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I Am Interested In Details. If You Go Into Anything Far Enough, You Get Into The Details Of It, And People Turn Out To Be Interested In What Makes Things Work.

I Like Ice Hockey, But It's A Frustrating Game To Watch. It's Hard To Keep Your Eyes On Both The Puck And The Players And Too Much Time Passes Between Scoring In Hockey. There Are Usually More Fights Than There Are Points.

In A Conversation, Keep In Mind That You're More Interested In What You Have To Say Than Anyone Else Is.

I'm In A Position Of Feeling Secure Enough So That I Can Say What I Think Is Right And If So Many People Think It's Wrong That I Get Fired, Well, I've Got Enough To Eat.

I Like Valentine's Day. The Trouble Is The Florists And The Candy-makers And The Card People Are All Advertising So Much, You Don't Dare Let The Day Go By Without Making An Offering, Whether You Mean It Or Not. Money Exceeds Affection.

Writers Don't Often Say Anything That Readers Don't Already Know, Unless Its A News Story. A Writer's Greatest Pleasure Is Revealing To People Things They Knew But Did Not Know They Knew. Or Did Not Realize Everyone Else Knew, Too. This Produces A Warm Sense Of Fellow Feeling And Is The Best A Writer Can Do.

I Believe The Money I Make Belongs To Me And My Family, Not Some Governmental Stooge With A Bad Comb-over Who Wants To Give It Away To Crack Addicts For Squirting Out Babies.

Art Is A By-product Of An Honest And Successful Attempt To Do Something Well.

I Often Pass A Farm With Cows Grazing In The Field And I Think To Myself How Terrible It Is That Human Beings Grow Other Animals Just To Kill Them And Eat Them. Most Of Us Think Of Vegetarians As Nuts And I'm Not A Vegetarian But I Wouldn't Be Surprised If We Came To A Time In 50 Or 100 Years When Civilized People Everywhere Refused To Eat Animals.

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Telling The Truth

Vegetarian: Indian Word For Lousy Hunter.

When There Are Starving People In The World, It Seems Wrong That So Many Of Us Americans Eat As Much For Entertainment As For Nourishment.

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I Don't Like Food That's Too Carefully Arranged; It Makes Me Think That The Chef Is Spending Too Much Time Arranging And Not Enough Time Cooking. If I Wanted A Picture I'd Buy A Painting.

Person-to-person, Most People Are Honest.

I Don't Think The Government Is Out To Get Me Or Help Someone Else Get Me But It Wouldn't Surprise Me If They Were Out To Sell Me Something Or Help Someone Else Sell Me Something. I Mean, Why Else Would The Census Bureau Want To Know My Telephone Number?

I Know A Lot Of You Believe That Most People In The News Business Are Liberal. Let Me Tell You, I Know A Lot Of Them, And They Were Almost Evenly Divided This Time. Half Of Them Liked Senator Kerry; The Other Half Hated President Bush.

I've Learned That Under Everyone's Hard Shell Is Someone Who Wants To Be Appreciated And Loved.

Once You Pass Forty, A Dime Isn't Worth Bending Over To Pick Up If You Drop One.

One Of The Things We Can Be Sure Of Over The July 4th Weekend Is That News Reports Will Keep Telling Us How Many Of Us Are Going To Die In Automobile Accidents.

Numbers Tend To Give The Impression That There's More Order In The World Than There Is.

One Of The Most Glorious Messes In The World Is The Mess Created In The Living Room On Christmas Day. Don't Clean It Up Too Quickly." ~ (1919-), American Writer, Producer, Humorist.

All Men Are Not Created Equal But Should Be Treated As Though They Were Under The Law.

... All Of Us Talk Faster Than We Listen.

If You Do See Me In A Restaurant, Please, Just Let Me Eat My Dinner.

My Own Time Is Passing Fast Enough Without Some National Game To Help It Along.

American Closets Are Filled With Once-worn Clothes That Got A Bad Review From A Friend On Their First Appearance.

The Federal Government Has Sponsored Research That Has Produced A Tomato That Is Perfect In Every Respect, Except That You Can't Eat It. We Should Make Every Effort To Make Sure This Disease, Often Referred To As 'progress', Doesn't Spread.

If You Put On An Item Of Clothing That Hurts Just Because You Have An Idea It Looks Better Or Conforms To What Other People Are Wearing, It's Dumb.

Always Keep Your Words Soft And Sweet, Just In Case You Have To Eat Them.

Keeping Your Word

Figure Skating Is An Unlikely Olympic Event But Its Good Television. It's Sort Of A Combination Of Gymnastics And Ballet. A Little Sexy Too Which Doesn't Hurt.

For Every Stunning, Smart, Well-coiffed Hot Woman Of 40 +, There Is A Balding, Paunchy Relic In Yellow Pants Making A Fool Of Himself With Some 22-year-old Waitress.

The Only Thing That Really Bugs Me About Television's Coverage Is Those Damn Women They Have Down On The Sidelines Who Don't Know What The Hell They're Talking About. I Mean, I'm Not A Sexist Person, But A Woman Has No Business Being Down There Trying To Make Some Comment About A Football Game.

You Really Can't Blame The Military For Wanting To Go To War [in Iraq]. They've Got All These New Toys And They Want To Know Whether They Work Or Not.

Those To Whom His Word Was Revealed Were Always Alone In Some Remote Place, Like Moses. There Wasn't Anyone Else Around When Mohammed Got The Word Either. Mormon Joseph Smith And Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, Had Exclusive Audiences With God. We Have To Trust Them As Reporters--and You Know How Reporters Are. They'll Do Anything For A Story.

Every One Starts Out Being An Atheist.

No One Likes The House Next Door To Look Worse Or A Lot Better Than His Own.

There Are More Beauty Parlors Than There Are Beauties.

As An Old Reporter, We Have A Few Secrets, And The First Thing Is We Try The Phone Book.

I Don't Differentiate Much, Except In Degree, Between People Who Believe In Religion From Those Who Believe In Astrology, Magic Or The Supernatural.

New Ideas Are One Of The Most Overrated Concepts Of Our Time. Most Of The Important Ideas That We Live With Aren't New At All.

The Only People Who Say Worse Things About Politicians That Reporters Do Are Other Politicians.

The Teacher Who Knows The Most About A Subject Isn't Necessarily The One Who Can Teach It Best.

In Washington, A Confidential Assistant Is Someone Who, If You Don't Want To Know Something, You Go And Ask Him And He Won't Tell You.

Not Many People In This World Are As Lucky As I've Been. ... All This Time I've Been Paid To Say What Is On My Mind On Television. You Don't Get Any Luckier In Life Than That.

Familiar Things Are A Comfort To Us All.

Familiar Things

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Phyllis Schlafly Speaks For All American Women Who Oppose Equal Rights For Themselves.

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When Those Waiters Ask Me If I Want Some Fresh Ground Pepper, I Ask If They Have Any Aged Pepper.

Yes, We Praise Women Over 40 For A Multitude Of Reasons. Unfortunately, It's Not Reciprocal. For Every Stunning, Smart, Well-coiffed, Hot Woman Over 40, There Is A Bald, Paunchy Relic In Yellow Pants Making A Fool Of Himself With Some 22-year Old Waitress. Ladies, I Apologize. For All Those Men Who Say, "why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free?", Here's An Update For You. Nowadays 80% Of Women Are Against Marriage. Why? Because Women Realize It's Not Worth Buying An Entire Pig Just To Get A Little Sausage!

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By The Time They're Ready To Be Thrown Away, Most Shoes Are Thoroughly Comfortable

I Try To Look Nice. I Comb My Hair, I Tie My Tie, I Put On A Jacket, But I Draw The Line When It Comes To Trimming My Eyebrows. You Work With What You Got.

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Let's Make A Statement To The Airlines Just To Get Their Attention. We'll Pick A Week Next Year And We'll All Agree Not To Go Anywhere For Seven Days.

Never Trust The Food In A Restaurant On Top Of The Tallest Building In Town That Spends A Lot Of Time Folding Napkins.

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Those Of Us Who Don't Have A Party Affiliation Ought To Be Able To Register Under The Heading "confused.

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I Hate To Say It, But I Had A Great Time In World War Ii.

Space, Like Switzerland, Should Be Neutral.

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