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Good Places For Aphorisms: In Fortune Cookies, On Bumper Stickers, And On Banners Flying Over The Palace Of Free Advice.

-Mason Cooley

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Good Places For Aphorisms:

Mason Cooley

...

Good Places For Aphorisms: In Fortune Cookies, On Bumper Stickers, And On Banners Flying Over The Palace Of Free Advice.

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Suffering Teaches Us Only That We Suffer. Joy Shows Us Which Way To Go.

Deconstruction: Peering Suspiciously At The Text, I Wait For It To Make A Slip And Betray Itself.

The Shades Of Respectability Begin To Close About The Greying Head.

Memories Contain Hidden Editorials On Current Events.

The Haiku Lets Meaning Float; The Aphorism Pins It Down.

We Sometimes Find Truth, But More Often It Finds Us.

Melancholy Is As Seductive As Ecstasy.

Vicarious Living Is Only Slightly Less Impossible Than Vicarious Eating.

The Perfect Pleasure: Money Is Neither Fattening Nor Immoral Nor Illegal.

The Egg Is The Symbol Of Perfection. Do You Want An Egg?

To Avoid Doing Anything, Wait For The Right Circumstances.

Dreams Are Distorted Representations Of Desire. So Are Dream- Analyses.

The Modernist Writers Found Despair Inspirational.

The Intimacy Of Love Absolves Us Of Our Guilty Separateness.

Facts Do Not Give Advice.

I Must Like My Profession, Since I Can Hardly Distinguish Myself From It.

I Tried Self-sacrifice A Couple Of Times In My Youth.

I Feel That I Have Something Significant To Say, But I Cannot Think What It Is.

Finding A Thought For An Aphorism Is Not Hard. Putting A Kink In Its Tail Is The Hard Part.

Listen To What People Say About Themselves; They Will Tell You Everything You Need To Know.

People Are Reluctant To Cite Boredom As Grounds For Divorce.

Travelling, I Worry About Luggage, Prices, And Strange Food. At Home, I Am Free To Broaden My Mind By Thinking About The Higher Things.

The Enlightenment Needs More Shadow; The Romantic Movement Less.

A Successful Restaurant Makes Everything In It, Including The Patrons, Seem A Little Better Than They Are.

It Is Not Confused. We Are.

You Know You're In Love When You Stop Comparing.

A Sympathetic Look Always Makes Me Feel Sorry For Myself.

The Same Old Thing--even If It's Champagne--is Still The Same Old Thing.

Small Successes Are Still Successes; Great Failures Are Still Failures.

Most People See No Reason To Stop Arguing Just Because An Issue Has Been Decided.

I Read Less And Less. I Have Not Forgiven Books For Their Failure To Tell Me The Truth And Make Me Happy.

Irony Regards Every Simple Truth As A Challenge.

Paradise Endangered: Garden Snakes And Mice Are Appearing In The Shadowy Corners Of Dutch Old Master Paintings.

Eternity Eludes Us, Even As A Thought.

Unlike Other Vices, Cruelty, Alas, Is Never Boring.

Out Of Power, Marxism Can Develop Critical Intelligence; In Power, It Quickly Becomes Stupid.

Documents Create A Paper Reality We Call Proof.

Realism: The Wealth Of Detail Guarantees The Truth Of The Tale.

Liberal Doctrine: It Is Not Children Who Misbehave, But Parents.

People Who Expect Deference Resent Mere Civility.

A Beautiful Woman Peers Out Her Window, As Full Of Envy As The Harridan Who Peers Up At Her From The Street.

I Like What I Do For A Living. I Also Like Not Doing It--perhaps Even More.

I Have Learned To Keep To Myself How Exceptional I Am.

Suspicion Is The Beginning Of Wisdom, And Of Madness.

Spirituality Now Wanders From Sex To Drugs To Art To Revolution To Violence--whatever Seems To Promise Deliverance From The Quotidian.

The Man Of Sensibility Is Too Busy Talking About His Feelings To Have Time For Good Deeds.

Rule Of Religion: Purpose Breathes Even In Dirt And Stones.

Jargon: Any Technical Language We Do Not Understand.

The Sun Cares Nothing For Illumination.

Every Life Has A Love Story, Even Though The Beloved May Be Imaginary, Or A Cat.

My Ambition In Life: To Become Successful Enough To Resume My Career As A Neurasthenic.

In Conversation, Everyone Sits In Confident Judgment On The World.

Every Few Years Something New Breaks Into The Circle Of My Thoughts.

The Exhibitionist Loves To Flirt With Shame

King Kong, Count Dracula, And The Phantom Of The Opera Are Just Looking For Love, Like The Rest Of Us.

I Am Most Drawn To Writing When I Have Something Else Urgent To Do.

The Lonely Become Either Thoughtful Or Empty.

The Present Necessarily Betrays The Past.

To Gain A Reputation For Virtue, Grieve Over Those You Injure.

Sometimes "yes" Is Rhetoric Enough.

Dancers Dance Through Their Pain I Shrink From Mine.

Staid Middle Age Loves The Hurricane Passions Of Opera.

My Father Was A Patriarch Inside A Matriarchy, But Never Knew It.

The Lover As Baby Is A Less Troubling Idea Than The Baby As Lover.

Three People Marooned On A Desert Island Would Soon Reinvent Politics.

At The Dinner Table, If You Can't Think Of Anything To Say, Sit Quietly. Don't Throw Rolls, Or Chew On Your Napkin.

Truth Can Remain Silent. Lies Must Be Spoken.

Sincerity Guarantees Nothing But Itself.

Secrets Die When Kept Or Revealed. They Live By Being Faintly And Uncertainly Repeated.

Like A Frog, The Aphorist Waits For Something To Fly By That He Can Catch With His Tongue.

Art Can Make Chaos Seductive.

Folly Always Knows The Answer.

Reversing A Proposition Rearranges Its Terms, But Still Keeps Out New Terms.

Always Late: Thus I Make You The Prisoner Of My Freedom.

I Like The Old Wisdom--puns, Riddles, Spells, Proverbs.

Reason Enables Us To Get Around In The World Of Ideas, But Cannot Prescribe Our Thoughts.

An Academic Dialect Is Perfected When Its Terms Are Hard To Understand And Refer Only To One Another.

Don't Milk The Cow Too Hard. She Will Kick You.

Every Lover's Lament Has An Element Of Boasting.

For Many, Immaturity Is An Ideal, Not A Defect.

In Love, Self-love Is Always At Risk.

Ideologies Can Survive Hostility, But Not Indifference.

The Ironies In The Commonplace Are My Inspiration And Delight.

A Frog In Love Would Not Be Enchanted To Learn That Her Beloved Had Turned Into Prince Charming.

The Trouble With The Young People Today Is That It Is They Who Are Young.

Literature Gives Us A Memory Of Lives We Did Not Lead.

Unconditional Love Is A Lofty Ideal, But Unconditional Hate Is A Fact Well Documented By History.

Deconstruction Glorifies The Critic, Humiliates The Author, And Makes The Reader Wonder Why He Bothered.

Death Is Hacking Away At My Address Book And Party Lists.

Old And Young Disbelieve One Another's Truths.

Smiling Half-reluctance Seems To Promise More Than The Frankest Gesture Of Desire.

An Omnipotent God Is The Only Being With No Reason To Lie.

After A Moment Of Shrinking Back, We Domesticate The Grotesque.

Few Artists Can Afford Artistic Temperament.

Tales Of Adultery Are Much Improved By Period Costumes.

A Skyscraper Is A Boast In Glass And Steel.

To Be Sexy, Nudes Need A Little Underwear.

Mathematics: Silent Harmonies. Music: Sounding Numbers.

Some Eras Worship Infancy; Some, The Aged. None As Yet Has Adored Middle Age.

Unhappiness Is Too Common To Call For Special Measures.

Sign At The Orgy: Bodies Only.

Eccentricity Is Originality That Leads Nowhere.

Logic Teaches Rules For Presentation, Not Thinking.

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At Retirement, Switching From "i Must" To "i Want" Leaves Me Puzzled And Uneasy.

Good Deal: Justice For You, Mercy For Me.

Idleness Makes People Feeble And Peevish. Work Makes Them Stalwart And Prone To Anger.

Middle-aged Adolescents Are A Libel On The Real Thing.

I Am Plain-speaking Out Of Both Sides Of My Mouth.

Growth Provides Novel Experiences For Youth; Decay The Same, Alas, For Age.

Fear Regulates. Appetite Impels.

Affection Reproaches, But Does Not Denounce.

Drunks Do Not Have Friends, But Accomplices.

We Express Disappointment In Everything Except Ourselves.

Snarls And Sobs Show That A Love Affair Is Getting Serious.

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The Wretchedness Of Failure Is The Great Attraction Of Success.

The Writer Is Always Courted By Invitations From The All-too- Familiar.

Envy Grieves. Jealousy Rages.

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Early Every Morning An Old Woman Goes To The Market To Curse A Grocery Clerk, Who Curses Back.

When Lying To Someone, Look Him Straight In The Eye.

Intellectuals Have Opinions On Subjects They Just Heard About Five Minutes Ago.

A Real Idea Keeps Changing And Appears In Many Places.

Laughter Scares Off Lust.

When My Beloved Arrives, I Yawn. When My Beloved Departs, I Weep.

Dirty Old Men, Ignoring Society, Continue To Follow Nature.

If Your Nose Is Up In The Air, You Cannot See Where You Are Going.

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If You Insist On Asking Me Why I Feel The Way I Do, I Plan To Take The Fifth Amendment.

Fifth Amendment

Bad Faith Makes The Most Of Every Ambiguity.

When You Can't Figure Out What To Do, It's Time For A Nap.

When Appearance And Reality Coincide, Philosophy And Literary Criticism Find Themselves With Nothing To Say.

Winning Means Outlasting Everyone Else.

Self-congratulation Pleases Only The Speaker.

Congratulations

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Drugs Bring Us To To The Gates Of Paradise, Then Keep Us From Entering.

No Use Saying Necessity Is Making A Mistake.

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Scholarship Can Find Little To Say About The Obvious.

Fearful Of Sentimentality, I Disown My Tears And Melting Heart.

If I Want My Time Wasted, I'll Waste It Myself.

Every Day Begins With An Act Of Courage And Hope: Getting Out Of Bed.

Bored By Safety, The Lover Grows Jealous And Exacting.

People Who Abhor Solitude May Abhor Company Almost As Much.

What Lies Behind Appearance Is Usually Another Appearance.

My Struggles With Myself Seldom Reach Aerobic Level.

Hatred Makes Me Energetic, But Confused.

Sometimes I Discover I Have Changed My Mind Because I Have Forgotten What I Used To Think.

Consciousness Is Our Only Reprieve From Time.

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Boredom, Not The Will, Is The Mother Of Change. Necessity Is The Father.

The Critic Roams Through Culture, Looking For Prey.

Never Trust The Judgment Of An Enthusiastic Man; Never Trust The Promises Of A Lazy One.

Lonely People Keep Up A Ceaseless Flow Of Commentary On Themselves.

I Would Like To Be A Figment Of My Own Imagination, But Belly And Bowels Will Not Permit.

The Young Are Just As Opinionated As The Old, But Have More Exciting Things To Do Than Sit Around Airing Their Opinions All Day.

The Only Peace Is Being Out Of Earshot.

Sloth, Not Ill-will, Makes Me Unjust.

Self-pity Makes People Callous.

The Nudes Of Art Are Not So Distant From Pornography As Prudish Pedants Pretend.

Discontented Women Dream Of Being Rescued By Prince Charming. Discontented Men Dream Of Finding A Horny Blond In The Back Seat Ofa Taxi.

The Bathroom Scale Knows Nothing Of Extenuating Circumstances.

Good Manners Can Render Even Virtue Tolerable.

The Narcissist Enjoys Being Looked At And Not Looking Back.

Chastity Is Now Treated As A Sexual Problem.

Only The Broken-hearted Know The Truth About Love.

An Old Man Drinks Tea And Reads The Newspaper--forgetting Age For A Moment.

Complainers Detest Each Other.

Regret Leads To Overeating And Naps.

The More Powerless People Are, The Longer They Are Kept Waiting.

Everyone Knows That (1) Happiness Is The Goal Of Life, And (2) Happiness Is A Chimera.

All The Powers Of Imagination Combine In Hypochondria.

Power Of Imagination

No Matter How Close Thought Sticks To The Actual, It Follows Its Own Rules.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Thought That Prolonging His Adolescence Would Protect His Talent.

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I Will Not Tolerate Your Faults. They Are Of No Use To Me.

Either Offer Me Something I Really Like, Or Stop Trying To Tempt Me.

Since We Hate The Same People, We Should Be Friends.

Magic Lives In Curves, Not Angles.

I Feel Disappointed, But I Don't Remember Just What I Expected.

If A Problem Is Insoluble, It Is Necessity. Leave It Alone.

Sexual Boredom Is Ousting Sexual Deviance As The Problem.

The Past Is Always Waiting To Entangle And Deflect Us.

Wit Saves Us From Being Swallowed Whole By Life.

Free Competition Exists Inside Shelters Of Law, Custom, Insurance, Political Approval, And Carefully Protected Status.

I May Forget My Dignity, But You May Not.

I Dream Of Vague Shapes That Hint Of My Heart's Desire.

Experience Teaches Us, But We Scarcely Know What.

Art Seduces, But Does Not Exploit.

Vice Is A Dreary Business. And Virtue Is Not A Lot Of Fun, Either.

The Media: Bold Sex And Violence, Timid Politics And Morals.

I Am Forbidden Sugar, Fat, And Alcohol. So Hooray, I Guess, For Oatmeal, Lemon Juice, And Chicken Soup.

The Sacred Is Found Boring By Many Who Find The Uncanny Fascinating.

Curiosity Is An Asset Mostly Frittered Away.

If Everything Had A Label, We Would Live In A Fully Delineated But False World.

Alcohol Postpones Anxiety, Then Multiplies It.

Moralists Love To Discourse On The Hollowness Of Success; About The Hollowness Of Failure They Are Silent.

Forgetting And Remembering Are Governed By Laws, But We Cannot Find Out What They Are.

Skepticism May Undermine Beliefs, But Never Belief.

The Truth Usually Has A Slightly Ugly Look.

Glamour Looks Eloquent But Seldom Talks.

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