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For The First Time In My Life I Realize Why Hangers Are Called Hangers, Because After Fifteen Minutes Of Trying Things On And Throwing Them Aside, All I Want To Do Is Hook One To The Top Of My Closet Door, Lean My Neck Into The Loop, And Let My Weight Fall.

-David Levithan

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For The First Time

David Levithan

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For The First Time In My Life I Realize Why Hangers Are Called Hangers, Because After Fifteen Minutes Of Trying Things On And Throwing Them Aside, All I Want To Do Is Hook One To The Top Of My Closet Door, Lean My Neck Into The Loop, And Let My Weight Fall.

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What Separates Us From The Animals, What Separates Us From The Chaos, Is Our Ability To Mourn People We’ve Never Met.

I Love You-i Do-but I Am Afraid Of Making That Love Too Important. Because You're Always Going To Leave Me, A. We Can't Deny It. You're Always Going To Leave.

There Are Many Things That Can Keep You In A Relationship," I Say. "fear Of Being Alone. Fear Of Disrupting The Arrangement Of Your Life. A Decision To Settle For Something That's Okay, Because You Don't Know If You Can Get Any Better. Or Maybe There's The Irrational Belief That It Will Get Better, Even If You Know He Won't Change.

I Find My Greatest Strength In Wanting To Be Strong. I Find My Greatest Bravery In Deciding To Be Brave. I Don't Know If I've Ever Realized It Before,[...] I Think We Both Realize It Now. If There's No Feeling Of Fear, Then There's No Need For Courage.

It’s As Simple As That. Simple And Complicated, As Most True Things Are.

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I Felt Like I Was Missing Something. Missing You More. Missing Whatever Was Going To Happen Next.

And I, Who Have Never Thought In Terms Of A Life, Think To Myself That I Could Make A Life Out Of This.

I Hate The Way You Talk To Me, And The Way You Cut Your Hair. I Hate The Way You Drive My Car. I Hate It When You Stare. I Hate Your Big Dumb Combat Boots, And The Way You Read My Mind. I Hate You So Much It Makes Me Sick; It Even Makes Me Rhyme. I Hate It, I Hate The Way You're Always Right. I Hate It When You Lie. I Hate It When You Make Me Laugh, Even Worse When You Make Me Cry. I Hate It When You're Not Around, And The Fact That You Didn't Call. But Mostly I Hate The Way I Don't Hate You. Not Even Close, Not Even A Little Bit, Not Even At All.

You Existed. You Existed Now As A Fractal. Definition: A Fractal Is Generally A Rough Or Fragmented Geometric Shape That Can Be Broken Into Parts, Each Of Which Is (at Least Approximately) A Reduced-size Copy Of The Whole. Maybe I Was A Fractal. Maybe The Photographer Was A Fractal. Maybe We Were All Fractals.

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That's It - Hundreds Of Texts And Conversations, Thousands Upon Thousands Of Words Spoken And Sent, All Boiled Down Into A Single Line. Is That What Relationships Become?

I Was Attempting To Write The Story Of My Life. It Wasn't So Much About Plot. It Was Much More About Character.

It Is An Awful Thing To Be Betrayed By Your Body. And It’s Lonely, Because You Feel You Can’t Talk About It.

My Face Seems Too Square And My Eyes Too Big, Like I'm Perpetually Surprised, But There's Nothing Wrong With Me That I Can Fix.

But I Think We Both Knew, Even Then, That What We Had Was Something Even More Rare, And Even More Meaningful. I Was Going To Be His Friend, And Was Going To Show Him Possibilities. And He, In Turn, Would Become Someone I Could Trust More Than Myself.

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It Was The Most Amazing Feeling In The World. To Know That Something Right Happened, And To Know That It Had Happened Not Through Luck Or Command But Simply Because It Was Right.

...because If You Can Make Yourself Happy In The Rain Then You're Doing Pretty Alright In Life.

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He Doesn’t Just Look Upset—he Looks Newly Blind. There Is Such Loss In His Eyes, And It Permeates Every Other Part Of His Body.

You Leave The Phone On Beside You As You Fall Asleep. I Sit In My Bed And Listen To Your Breathing, Until I Know You Are Safe, Until I Know You No Longer Need Me For The Night.

I Don't Want To Fall. All I Want To Do Is Stand On Solid Ground.

I Feel The Universe Is Telling Me Something. And It Doesn't Even Matter If It's True Or Not. What Matters Is That I Feel It, And Believe It.

Fraught, Adj. Does Every “i Love You” Deserve An “i Love You Too”? Does Every Kiss Deserve A Kiss Back? Does Every Night Deserve To Be Spent On A Lover? If The Answer To Any Of These Is “no,” What Do We Do?

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I Want My Own Books To Have Their Own Shelves," You Said, And That's How I Knew It Would Be Okay To Live Together.

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I Have Already Spent Roughly Five Thousand Hours Asleep Next To You. This Has To Mean Something.

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For The First Time In My Life I Realize Why Hangers Are Called Hangers, Because After Fifteen Minutes Of Trying Things On And Throwing Them Aside, All I Want To Do Is Hook One To The Top Of My Closet Door, Lean My Neck Into The Loop, And Let My Weight Fall.

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Tiny: But There Is The Word, This Word Phil Wrayson Taught Me Once: Weltschmerz. It's The Depression You Feel When The World As It Is Does Not Line Up With The World As You Think It Should Be. I Live In A Big Goddamned Weltzschermz Ocean, You Know? And So Do You.

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If Other People See You Differently, You’ll End Up Seeing Them Differently, Too.

Barfly N. You Have The Ability To Talk To Anyone Which Is An Ability I Do Not Share.

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This Isn't Even Something I've Feared, Because I Never Knew It Was A Possibility.

...and Suddenly You Started Singing Out Your Love For Me. My Name And Everything, Loud Enough To Reach The Top Floors Of All The Buildings. I Should Have Told You To Stop, But I Didn’t Want You To Stop. I Didn’t Mind If Your Love For Me Woke People Up. I Didn’t Mind If It Somehow Sneaked Into Their Sleep.

Why Do We Even Bother? Why Do We Make Ourselves So Open To Such Easy Damage? Is It All Loneliness? Is It All Fear? Or Is It Just To Experience Those Narcotic Moments Of Belonging With Someone Else?

Gravity, N. I Imagine You Saved My Life. And Then I Wonder If I'm Just Imagining It.

Underneath All That Denial, You're Someone Who's Deeply, Deeply Nice.

It's One Thing To Fall In Love. It's Another To Feel Someone Else Fall In Love With You, And To Feel A Responsibility Toward That Love.

Falling In Love

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Please May This Not Be A Game. Please May This Not Be A Game. Because If It’s A Game, I Know I’m Going To Lose.

I'm A Firm Believer That Every Person, Young Or Old, Has At Least One Good Story To Tell.

Elliptical, Adj. The Kiss I Like The Most Is One Of The Slow Ones. It’s As Much Breath As Touch, As Much No As Yes. You Lean In From The Side, And I Have To Turn A Little To Make It Happen.

Here," She Said. "this Is For You." "i Didn't Really Get You Anything," I Sputtered. "i Mean, I Didn't Know That You Were Going To Be Here, And--" "don't Worry. It's Your Embarrassment At Not Having The Thought That Counts.

I Never Understood Why Anyone Would Have Sex On The Floor. Until I Was With You And I Realized: You Don't Realize You're On The Floor.

I Say Good-bye To The Part Of Myself That Misses Him So Much.

The Boy I Loved Didn't Know I Existed. Then Again, He Was Obsessed With Camus, So He Didn't Know If Any Of Us Existed.

Because When Something Happens, She's The Person I Want To Tell. The Most Basic Indicator Of Love.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss. Bliss Is Knowing The Full Meaning Of What You Have Been Given.

I'm Always Standing On The Edge Of Something Bad.

Standing On The Edge

That's What The Voices In Your Head Are For, To Get You Through The Silent Parts.

Then I Go In The Den And Turn On Law & Order, Since The Only Thing I Can Really Count On In Life Is That Whenever I Turn On The Tv, There Will Be A Law & Order Episode.

Having Someone Think Of Me That Way Was Like Discovering A New Window In The Room I'd Lived In All My Life.

Enlightenment Is Scary. Sometimes Things Look Better In The Dark.

I Cannot Think Of A Single Word To Describe What We Feel. I Think We All Feel It, To Varying Degrees. Perhaps In Some Other Language There Is A Word For 'the World Is Terribly Wrong.' That Feeling Of Stun And Unbelief And Abandonment And Shock And Horror And Distress.

Exemplar, N. It's Always Something We Have To Negotiate- The Face That My Parents Are Happy, And Yours Have Never Been. I Have Something To Live Up To, And If I Fail, I Still Have A Family To Welcome Me Home. You Have A Storyline To Rewrite, And A Lack Of Faith That It Can Ever Be Done. You Love My Parents, I Know. But You Never Get Too Close. You Never Truly Believe There Aren't Bad Secrets Underneath.

But Death Is Not Freedom. For A Moment, It Can Look Like Freedom. But Then It's Death. Anything. Something. Nothing.

People Take Love's Continuity For Granted, Just As They Take Their Body's Continuity For Granted. They Don't Realize That The Best Thing About Love Is Its Regular Presence. Once You Can Establish That, It's An Added Foundation To Your Life.

The World, Right Now, Is Only Us.

What I Really Want, And What I Never Get - Is To Be Appreciated.

You're Giving Up. You're Slipping Into Being Miserable And If You Are Being Miserable, Then It's All About You Again. But It's Not All About You. Love Doesn't Work That Way.

Love Weaves Itself From Hundreds Of Threads.

I'm Not In Love With You.

With All Due Respect, If You’re Forty-three, Then I’m A Fetus.

Dullness Is The Spice Of Life. Which Is Why We Must Always Use Other Spices.

No Funny Stuff In Here Tonight, You Understand?” Dash Said, “i Assure You I Could Not Contemplate Any Of Your So-called Funny Stuff Seeing As How I Have No Idea Why I’m Even Here.” Mark Scoffed. “you Bookish Little Pervert.” “thank You, Sir!” Dash Said Brightly.

As If When Someone Close To Us Dies, We Momentarily Trade Places With Them, In The Moment Right Before. And As We Get Over It, We’re Really Living Their Life In Reverse, From Death To Life, From Sickness To Health.

It Daunted Me That You Were So Beautiful, That You Were So At Ease In Social Situations, As If Every Room Was Heliotropic, With You At The Center. And I Guess It Daunted You That I Had So Many More Friends Than You, That I Could Put My Words Together Like This, On Paper, And Could Sometimes Conjure A Certain Sense Out Of Things. The Key Is To Never Recognize These Imbalances. To Not Let The Dauntingness Daunt Us.

This Is As Much A Part Of My Story As Anything Else. Friendship Is Love As Much As Any Romance.

Why Won't They Leave Me Alone? Don't They Realize I Have A Tinder Heart And A Paper Body And That Any Spark Will Turn Me Straight To Ash?

It Is Much Harder To Lie To Someone's Face. But. It Is Also Much Harder To Tell The Truth To Someone's Face.

Telling The Truth

I Want To Write My Life. I Want To Be Able To Write My Life. You Are A Second Away From Saying It. You Have No Idea How Much I Love You.

In School, The Year Was The Marker. Fifth Grade. Senior Year Of High School. Sophomore Year Of College. Then After, The Jobs Were The Marker. That Office. This Desk. But Now That School Is Over And I've Been Working At The Same Place In The Same Office At The Same Desk For Longer Than I Can Truly Believe, I Realize: You Have Become The Marker. This Is Your Era. And It's Only If It Goes On And On That Will Have To Look For Other Ways To Identify The Time.

Now When I Have To Remember A Date, All I Have To Do Is Consult My Rap Sheet.

As Sisters, They Probably Have Closer To 99 Percent In Common, But They’re Not About To Recognize That. They’d Rather Fight Over What Kind Of Pet They’re Going To Get … It’s An Argument For Its Own Sake.

Things Rarely Get Fixed The Way They Need To Be.

If This Continues, If This Goes On, Then When I Die, Your Memories Of Me Will Be My Greatest Accomplishment. You Memories Will Be My Most Lasting Impressions.

Lasting Impressions

I Feel Such A Tenderness For These Vulnerable Nighttime Conversations, The Way Words Take A Different Shape In The Air When There's No Light In The Room.

We Remember What It Was Like To Meet Someone New. We Remember What It Was Like To Grant Someone Possibility. You Look Out From Your Own World And Then You Step Into His, Not Really Knowing What You’ll Find There, But Hoping It Will Be Something Good. Both Ryan And Avery Are Doing This. You Step Into His World And You Don’t Even Realize Your Loneliness Is Missing. You’ve Left It Behind, And You Don’t Notice Because You Have No Desire To Turn Back.

She Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Her I Had To End It. She Was Surprised, And Asked My Why I Thought So. I Told Her It Wasn't A Thought, More A Feeling, Like I Couldn't Breathe And Knew I Had To Get Some Air. It Was A Survival Instinct, I Told Her. She Said It Was Time For Dinner. Then She Sat Me Down And Told Me Not To Worry. She Said Moments Like This Were Like Waking Up In The Middle Of The Night: You're Scared, Your'e Disoriented, And You're Completely Convinced You're Right. But Then You Stay Awake A Little Longer And You Realize Things Aren't As Fearful As They Seem.

I've Always Known I Was Gay, But It Wasn't Confirmed Until I Was In Kindergarten. It Was My Teacher Who Said So. It Was Right There On My Kindergarten Report Card: Paul Is Definitely Gay And Has Very Good Sense Of Self.

We Gather The Things We Learned, And They Don't Nearly Add Up To Fill The Space Of A Life. You Will Miss The Taste Of Froot Loops. You Will Miss The Sound Of Traffic. You Will Miss Your Back Against His. You Will Miss Him Stealing The Sheets. Do Not Ignore These Things.

I Hope Suffering Don't Exist.

I Should Talk To Him I Know I Should Talk To Him. But I Do Not Talk To Him. I Watch After Him From Afar And Love Him.

I Have Learned How To Observe, Far Better Than Most People Observe. I Am Not Blinded By The Past Or Motivated By The Future. I Focus On The Present, Because That Is Where I Am Destined To Live.

Some Days Are Like This. And The Only Way To Get Through Them Is To Remember That They Are Only One Day, And That Every Day Ends.

I Don’t Want To Throw Everything Away For Something Uncertain.

I Am Made For Running. Because When You Run, You Could Be Anyone. You Hone Yourself Into A Body, Nothing More Or Less Than A Body. You Respond As A Body, To The Body. If You Are Racing To Win, You Have No Thoughts But The Body's Thoughts, No Goals But The Body's Goals. You Obliterate Yourself In The Name Of Speed. You Negate Yourself In Order To Make It Past The Finish Line.

I Still Don’t Know If This Is A Good Quality Or A Bad One, To Be Able To Be In The Moment And Then Step Out Of It.

He Is Both The Source Of My Happiness And The One I Want To Share It With.

I'm Swimming In Your Cadences That You Permeate My Very Language.

Things Are Not Magical Because They've Been Conjured For Us By Some Outside Force. They Are Magical Because We Create Them.

I Was Starting To Think I Was Making Up Memories, Just To Have Answers. Our Brain Does That Sometimes. Or At Least Mine Does.

Love Is So Painful, How Could You Ever Wish It On Anybody? And Love Is So Essential, How Could You Ever Stand In Its Way?

Tiny: Did Someone Die? Me: Yeah, I Did. He Smiles Again At That. Tiny: Well, Then... Welcome To The Afterlife.

Let Me Hold On To This The Way It Was, Before I Knew Anything Else.

I Still Felt Fondness For Her - Fondness, That Pleasant, Detached Mix Of Admiration And Sentiment, Appreciation And Nostalgia.

I Want You To Be Honest With Me. Even If It Hurts. Although I Would Prefer For It Not To Hurt.

I Couldn't Fault Her For Believing, Because I Had To Imagine I Was Nice To Have That Illusion Still Intact.

When You Need To Hold Onto Something, You Should. Whatever Gets You Through, Take It.

You Never Get Involved In The People's Lives? The Ones You're Inhabiting?" I Shake My Head. "you Try To Leave The Lives The Way You Found Them." "yeah." "but What About Justin? What Made That So Different?" "you," I Say.

I Want To Take Back At Least Half Of The “i Love You”s, Because I Didn’t Mean Them As Much As The Other Ones.

Once Time Is Lit, It Will Burn Whether Or Not You're Breathing It In. Even After Smoke Becomes Air, There Is The Memory Of Smoke. I Am Seeing As If By The Light Of A Match, A Glimpse Of My Life And Having It Feel Right.

When I Am With You, There Is Nowhere Else I'd Rather Be. And I Am A Person Who Always Wants To Be Somewhere Else.

He Was Attractive. I Knew That. And I Knew That Attractive People Always Got Away With Things.

I Never Felt The Urge To Jump Off A Bridge, But There Are Times I Have Wanted To Jump Out Of My Life, Out Of My Skin.

The Minute I Knew I Was In Love Was The Minute When There Was No Question About It.

Fate Has A Strange Way Of Making Plans.

Are You A Vegetarian?' I Ask, Based On The Evidence In Front Of Me. She Nods. 'why?' 'because I Have This Theory That When We Die, Every Animal That We've Eaten Has A Chance At Eating Us Back. So If You're A Carnivore And You Add Up All The Animals You've Eaten--well, That's A Long Time In Purgatory, Being Chewed.' 'really?' She Laughs. 'no. I'm Just Sick Of The Question. I Mean, I'm A Vegetarian Because I Think It's Wrong To Eat Other Sentient Creatures. And It Sucks For The Environment.

Freedom Is Also About What You Will Allow Yourself To Do.

Danger Comes In Many Forms, I Suppose. For Some People, It Might Be Jumping Off A Bridge Or Climbing Impossible Moutains. For Others, It Could Be A Tawdry Love Affair Or Telling Off A Mean-looking Bus Driver Because He Doesn't Like To Stop For Noisy Teenagers. It Could Be Cheating At Cards Or Eating A Peanut Even Though You're Allergic. For Me, Danger Might Be Getting Out From The Protective Cloak Of My Family And Venturing Into The World More Of My Own, Even Though I Don't Know What- Or Who- Awaits Me.

Hello, My Name Is Ees Lebkuchen Spice, And I Vant To Show You My Coooooookies.

Honestly, I'm Just Trying To Live Day To Day

But I Still Has Enough Longing For That Concept That I Didn't Want To Dispel It Completely. Meaning: I Didn't Want To Tell Lily That I Felt We'd All Been Duped By Plato And The Idea Of A Soul Mate. Just In Case It Turned Out That She Was Mine.

Her Mind Is An Unquiet One, Words And Thoughts And Impulses Constantly Crashing Into Each Other.

Sometimes When You Hit Send, You Can Imagine The Message Going Straight Into The Person's Heart. But Other Times, Like This Time, It Feels Like The Words Are Merely Falling Into A Well.

It's Almost Heartening To Think That The Attachment You Have Can Define Your Perception As Much As Any Other Influence.

If Goodness Can't Come From Bad Things, It Makes Bad Things Unbearable.

I Would Always Wait To Take You Home.

I See No Sin In A Kiss. I Only See Sin In The Condemnation

And Just Like That, The Universe Goes Wrong. Just Like That, All The Enormity Seems To Shrink Into A Ball And Float Away From My Reach. I Feel It, And She Doesn't. Or I Feel It, And She Won't.

Indelible, Adj. That First Night, You Took Your Finger And Pointed To The Top Of My Head, Then Traced A Line Between My Eyes, Down My Nose, Over My Lips, My Chin, My Neck, To The Center Of My Chest. It Was So Surprising. I Knew I Would Never Mimic It. That One Gesture Would Be Yours Forever.

When It All Come Down To It, The Thing That Matters Most In A Relationship Is Principles [...] We Have The Same Idea What’s Right And What’s Wrong, And That’s Got Us Through Any Number Of Things. If You Can Have That With Someone, Then You’re Most Of The Way Toward Love. Not Just Lover-love. Any Kind Of Love.

... I Love Books About Freaks," Because I Am One. You Might Be, Too. Let's Be Freaks Together?

Sometimes The Space Between Knowing What To Do And Actually Doing It Is A Very Short Walk. Other Times It Is An Impossible Expanse.

It Doesn't Have To Be On Valentine's Day. It Doesn't Have To Be By The Time You Turn Eighteen Or Thirty-three Or Fifty-nine. It Doesn't Have To Conform To Whatever Is Usual. It Doesn't Have To Be Kismet At Once, Or Rhapsody By The Third Date. It Just Has To Be. In Time. In Place. In Spirit. It Just Has To Be.

I Have Always Been Aware Of How I Break. I Know What Kind Of Situations Will Break Me. I Know What Kind Of People Will Do It. I Know How Much It Will Hurt.

Deep Breaths. I Am Taking Deep Breaths. Composure. Which, For Me, Means Composing... Maybe This Is My Way Of Creating The Illusion Of Control Over Something I Have No Control Over. Like, If It's Just A Story I'm Telling Or A Song I'm Singing, Then I'll Be Okay Because I'm The Guy Who's Providing The Words.

When It Comes To True Dance, It's Not About How You Look, It's All About The Joy You Feel.

This Is The Thing They Don't Tell You About Being A Third Wheel - It's Not Like You're The Wheel That's Added On. You Were One Of The Original Two Wheels, But Suddenly You're Not So Important Anymore. The Relationship Drives Fine Without You.

Maybe Your History Just Repeats And Repeats Until It Batters You Enough To Snap The Seams That Hold You Together

One Of My Best Friends Is Named David Leventhal, And It Has Always Been A Constant Source Of Amusement To See How The Similarity And Differences Play Out In Our Lives.

Being With Someone For Over A Year Can Mean That You Love Them … But It Can Also Mean You’re Trapped.

These Teenager Looks Aren't Going To Last Forever, And That There Are Much Better Foundation To Build A Life Upon Than How Attractive You Are.

Anchor, V.: I Drift, I Drift, I Drift, You Stay.

I Am A Drifter, And As Lonely As That Can Be, It Is Also Remarkably Freeing. I Will Never Define Myself In Terms Of Anyone Else. I Will Never Feel The Pressure Of Peers Or The Burden Of Parental Expectation. I Can View Everyone As Pieces Of A Whole, And Focus On The Whole, Not The Pieces. I Have Learned To Observe, Far Better Than Most People Observe. I Am Not Blinded By The Past Or Motivated By The Future. I Focus On The Present Because That Is Where I Am Destined To Live.

Detachment, N. Even When I Detach, I Care. You Can Be Separate From A Thing And Still Care About It.

The Important Thing Is For The Characters To Feel Real, And To Be Given The Humanity They Are Due. That Granting Of Humanity Is What Separates A Full Portrait From A Stereotype.

You See, Dash -- I Was Never The Girl In Your Head. And You Were Never The Boy In My Head. I Think We Both Knew That. It's Only When We Try To Make The Girl Or Boy In Our Head Real That The True Trouble Comes. I Did That With Carlos, And It Was A Bad Failure. Be Careful What You're Doing, Because No One Is Ever Who You Want Them To Be. And The Less You Really Know Them, The More Likely You Are To Confuse Them With The Girl Or Boy In Your Head.

People Say That Time Slips Through Our Fingers Like Sand. What They Don't Acknowledge Is That Some Of The Sand Sticks To The Skin. These Are Memories That Will Remain, Memories Of The Time When There Was Still Time Left.

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