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For Many Years, People Would Say, "only Child? Must Have Been Terrible," And I Wanted To Say, "you Are Mentally Ill, Because It Was The Greatest." You Got All The Attention. You Never Had To Share Anything. No One Ever Ate Your Food. No One Ever Took Your Toys. But The Unintended Consequence Was That I Didn't Appreciate That Being Universally Loved Was Not Only Not Required For Happiness, But Also Not Possible.

-John Hodgman

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For Many Years, People

John Hodgman

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For Many Years, People Would Say, "only Child? Must Have Been Terrible," And I Wanted To Say, "you Are Mentally Ill, Because It Was The Greatest." You Got All The Attention. You Never Had To Share Anything. No One Ever Ate Your Food. No One Ever Took Your Toys. But The Unintended Consequence Was That I Didn't Appreciate That Being Universally Loved Was Not Only Not Required For Happiness, But Also Not Possible.

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The Only Time I've Ever Been Mistaken For Someone Else Is - And This Arguable Still - When A Person Came Up To Me On The Boardwalk Of Ocean City, New Jersey And Said, "you Look A Lot Like That Guy From Computer Ads" And I Said, "there Is A Reason Because I Am That Guy," And The Guy Looked At Me For A Minute, Laughed And Said, "that's A Funny Joke, But You Really Do Look Like Him." He Thought I Was Not Me.

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This Is One Of The Defining Sorrows Of Books: That We Cannot See One Another.

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To Want To Become The President Is, I Think, Such A Bizarre Ambition That It Is Automatically Deranging.

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My Fame Is Due To Broadcast Television.

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My Candidacy Is A Compelling Argument For My Candidacy. I Want To Be President.

I Never Stopped Feeling Abject Terror Until I Got On Television And Went On A National Ad Campaign And Realized, "i Will Be Able To Feed My Children. I Have Somehow Averted The Destiny That Awaited Me, Which Is Endless, Crippling Debt Forever."

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Even In My Own Life, There Are Memories I Have That Are Difficult To Explain - Happenings That Are So Odd And Unaccountably Weird, That It Is Difficult To Imagine They Were Not The Result Of Prolonged And Frequent Contact With Aliens Throughout My Life.

I Am A Marginally Employed Person Who Can Escape With My School Teacher Wife To The Waters Of Maine For Much Of The Summer.

I'm An Older, Wall-eyed, Overweight, Tweedy Writer Who Has Been Lucky Enough To Be Asked To Play Various Iterations Of Himself In A Certain Realm Of Popular Cultutre. That Gives Me Great Joy And Excitement, But I Don't Go To The Media Saying, "and I'm Also The World's Greatest Actor."

When A Good Friend Gives You His Or Her Book, You Don't Want To Read It, Because You're Afraid That It's Not Going Be What You Hope It Can Be.

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I Don't Wish To Brag, But I'm Very Intelligent.

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Everything We Make In Life, Eventually, Is Sold For A Dollar Or A Penny Or Given Away.

I Used To Enjoy The Anonymity Of Being A Literary Figure And Occasionally A Public Radio Figure.

Anyone Of Conscience Could Come Look At My Book And See It As An Esoteric Oddity Or Be Intrigued By It. It Could Happen Either Way On A Thousand Different Little Decisions Each Individual Might Make.

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I Was Always Fascinated With The Way That Things Pop On The Internet - The Ways You Build Communities And Create Little Stories And Ideas That People Play Around With And Send Back To You.

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I Would Say 70 Percent Of People Who Are In Therapy Are In Therapy Not Because Of Their Upbringing, Not Because Of Their Mean Sister Or Obsessions, But Because Of Anxiety Brought About By Lack Of Financial Security.

Even The Worst Job Has Its Benefits And So Does Being A Professional Literary Agent, And - I Know I Said This At The Time But I Still Believe It - The Worst Job Is The One That You Know Is Wrong For You, But You Still Do It. You're Afraid To Quit.

You Wouldn't Want To Live A Life In Which You Are Loved Or Approved By All People On Earth Or Even Within Your Own Geodetic Dome Full Of Your Jumpsuited Followers.

It Would Be Rather Naive To Imagine That Oprah Doesn't Have An Earth Evacuation Plan. You Know Richard Branson Does - His Is In Plain Sight.

Tonally, There Was No Discussion; I Just Don’t Know Any Other Way To Do It. I Don’t Want To Make People Feel Bad, And I Don’t Want To Make Their Problems Into A Joke. I Do Love Telling People When They’re Right And Wrong, But For The Most Part, It Was Always Going To Be About Real Fights Where People Have A Real Difference Of Opinion And A Real Dispute. I Want To Make Jokes, But I Also Want To Make A Decision That Is Fair.

Traffic Counting Was Very Boring And Cold To Sit Out On The Streets Of New Haven In Five Pairs Of Pants - Well, That's An Exaggeration; It Was Three Pairs Of Pants - In November For Hours And Hours Clicking Buttons Counting Which Cars Go Left, Right, And Forward.

People Who Run For President Seriously And People Who Become President Enter A Bizarre Secret Society In Which They Have Had An Experience That None Of Us Will Ever Have.

Borges Was Unapologetically Smart And Equally Sentimental; A Proto-geek, Blind To Distinctions Between Low Pulp Fiction And High Criticism, Experimental But Never Arch, And Always Playful, With A Humor As Dry As Dust.

There's A Tradition In American Fiction That Is Deadly Serious And Earnest - Like The Steinbeckian Social Novel.

I Realized That We're Now At A Point Of Self-reference With The Internet Culture That There's Almost No There Left, You Know? It's Important To Make New Things. It's Important To Make Culture, Rather Than Simply Reference It. I Love A Good Cultural Reference, And It's One Of The Great Joys In My Life, But It Has To All Be In Balance With The Core Job, Which Is To Make Something New. And That Sort Of Brings Me Around To Why I Started Talking About My Fondness For Marijuana.

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Any Time You Try To Create An Internet Meme, Automatic Fail. That's Like The Worst Thing You Can Do.

I Still Have A Fondness For Books. Many A Time I Will Be Antiquing, And I'll Say, 'what's That Old-timey Curio Over There? What Is That, A Candlestick Telephone, One Of Those Old Pull-chain Toilets? Oh No, It's A Book. I Used To Help Make Those Things! I Will Buy It And Use It To Decorate My Chain Of Casual Family-dining Restaurants.

Everyone Feels Like They Would Love To Be A Really Cool Bartender In A Really Cool Bar, But You're Still Surrounded By People Who Want To Destroy Themselves With Alcohol. When You Look At It That Way, It's Not That Much Fun.

Here's The Thing: I Am Not Only A Creature Of Civilization, I'm An Asthmatic Person. I Will Only Live So Long As I Have Stockpiled The Proper Inhalers. I'm Effectively A Cyborg. You Know How In Jurassic Park, They Bred Those Dinosaurs With The Lysine Deficiencies, So If They Ever Got Off The Island, They'd Die? That's Me.

I Believe That The Federal Government Should Be Laying Down Broadband Like Eisenhower Laid Down Interstates.

A Stopped Clock Is Correct Twice A Day, But A Sundial Can Be Used To Stab Someone, Even At Nighttime.

I Don't Really Collect Anything. I Mean, If I See A Piece Of Moxie Soda Memorabilia, I'll Probably Buy It. I'm A Sucker For Regional Soda Brands And Forgotten Histories And That Sort Of Thing.

Generally Speaking, I Think It Is Fair To Say That I Am A Friend To The Creatures Of The Earth When I Am Not Busy Eating Them Or Wearing Them.

Truth May Be Stranger Than Fiction, Goes The Old Saw, But It Is Never As Strange As Lies.

I Think For The Foreseeable Future, The Truth Is Going To Be Awful And Funny All At The Same Time.

I'm A Personality - Like A George Plimpton Who Effectively Plays Himself In A Bunch Of Different Roles, Or A Paul Lynde-type Character.

Why Certain Political Classes Want Purposefully To Keep Americans In A State Of Perpetual Debt And Uncertainty And Why Certain People Don't Want A Middle Class - Because Middle Class Creates A Certain Happiness. You Know What I Mean?

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