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For A Long Time, People Assumed I Was Gay, So When I Got Married The Press Were All A Bit Shocked And Made A Big Deal Of It - And Ditto When I Had Children. I Felt Very Much Under The Microscope With Paps Outside The House Taking Pictures Of Me Getting The Baby Out Of The Car, It Was Excruciating. I Remember Getting Her Out Of The Car Seat And Thinking 'oh God I'm Going To Drop Her And They're Going To Take A Picture'. I Was So Nervous. Those Sorts Of Things Are Really Hard.

-Jo Brand

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For A Long Time,

Jo Brand

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For A Long Time, People Assumed I Was Gay, So When I Got Married The Press Were All A Bit Shocked And Made A Big Deal Of It - And Ditto When I Had Children. I Felt Very Much Under The Microscope With Paps Outside The House Taking Pictures Of Me Getting The Baby Out Of The Car, It Was Excruciating. I Remember Getting Her Out Of The Car Seat And Thinking 'oh God I'm Going To Drop Her And They're Going To Take A Picture'. I Was So Nervous. Those Sorts Of Things Are Really Hard.

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With Proper Acting, I Don't Know What I Would Play - I Got Sent A Script For A Play, And It Said In The Notes That My Proposed Character Was 'hideously Fat And Ugly'. That Made My Day. I Mean, I Do Know I Am No Oil Painting.

Each Generation Has A Backlash Against The Generation Before.

I Love Everything About Books. I Love The Content, The Way They Look And Even The Lovely Way They Smell. I Think A Book Collection Says Something About You As A Person, And Certainly My Books Are Something I'd Want To Pass On For Future Generations.

There Are Problems With Nursing - Such As The Issue Of Nurses All Having To Do Degrees These Days. But That Doesn’t Mean To Say The Entire Infrastructure Of Nursing Is Falling About And That It Is Populated By Unfeeling Psychopaths, Which Is, Frankly, The Implication Sometimes.

Again, With Two Small Children It's Incredibly Hard To Commit Yourself To Anything Because You're Just Getting Interested In It And Someone Comes Along And Goes I Want Thomas The Tank Engine On, And Screams The Place Down Until You Put It On.

I Find It Difficult To Judge Myself, But People Say That I Have Become A Bit More Socially Acceptable Over The Years In Terms Of My Material; Which Apparently At The Beginning - Though I Never Really Intended It To Be - Was Man Hating And Now Is Just A Bit More Cuddly.

I Wasn't One Of Those Hideous Children Who Make Their Parents Sit Through Hour-long Performances When You're Seven. I Didn't Do Anything Like That Thankfully.

One Of The Guys That Used To Run It - For Some Reason I've No Idea Why He Used To Call Me The Sea Monster And I Was Just Looking Around For A Name And Thought That'll Do. That Lasted For A Couple Of Years Probably.

I Think There's A Danger That We're Moving Towards A State Where The People We Are Expected To Admire Are Almost Not Human Anymore, And I Don't Like That. I Prefer It When Someone Looks Like A Nice Person, And You Think, 'i Could Have A Laugh With Them In The Pub.'

There Are Comics Who Treat Women Fairly Appallingly. But I Can Be Great Friends With Them Because I Don't Tend To Do That Ticking Of Boxes: It Can Make Life Too Simplistic.

Work Motivates Me. I Love What I Do And I'm A Positive Person, I've Always Liked What I've Done As A Job - However Grim It Was.

I Have A Utilitarian Approach To Dressing; As Long As I Quite Like It And It Covers Me Up, I Don't Care What It Is.

The Funny Thing Is, I Don't Actually Think Of Myself As Fat At All. I Don't Think I Am. Not Really.

I Think Some People Ramp A Side Of Themselves Up For Performance Purposes.

I Did Try When I Wasn't Doing The Singing To Do As Much Comedy As I Could Because I Thought With Comic Relief You Are Duty Bound To Anyway.

It's Actually Very Hard When You're Settled In One Place To Completely Uproot Yourself And Go.

I Made A Supreme Effort Not To Do That Thing That Parents Do, Which Is To Bore People Without Children To Death By Going On And On About How Funny Their Children Are, So There's None Of That Hopefully.

People Can Forgive Each Other.

I Think Actors Go Along A Continuum From Simon Callow Down To Kind Of Ross Kemp, And I Like To Think Of Myself As The Ross Kemp Of Comedy. He's Very Good In 'east Enders' Because He Plays A Version Of Himself. I Think I Can Play A Version Of Myself - That's About All I Can Do.

It's Inevitable That If You Do Okay On Something Like That You Don't Just Annoy People, That It Will Make A Difference Because It Seemed Like Such A Lot Of People So, Yes I Would Have To Say That It Has Done.

When I Was A Nurse My Favourite Assignment Was The Anorexic Ward. I Sometimes Ate As Many As Seventeen Dinners

I Do Say No To Lots Of Things, Actually! I Know It Doesn't Look Like It. But I Have A Tendency To A) Be Rubbish At Saying No, And B) Be Pushed By Some Kind Of Protestant Work Ethic.

I Think Self-esteem Is Fluid. It's Not A Fixed State, And So Some Days Are Better Than Others.

I Like Reading, I Like Boring Things, And Yet I Think People For Ages Had This Image Of Me That I Was On The Tube With A Chainsaw Looking For Any Likely Candidate.

I Tried To Eat Better Too, But When You're On Tour You Literally Just Eat Some Hideous Pork Pie On The Motorway On The Way To A Show. It's A Really Unhealthy Lifestyle: You're Up Late, Drinking Loads Of Coffee To Stay Awake, Drinking Loads Of Alcohol Because You're Socialising With People.

I Have Two Brothers And We Basically Spent Our Lives Playing In The Woods, Falling In Ponds, Getting Chased By Wasps And Riding Donkeys That We Shouldn't Have Been Riding.

For A Long Time, People Assumed I Was Gay, So When I Got Married The Press Were All A Bit Shocked And Made A Big Deal Of It - And Ditto When I Had Children. I Felt Very Much Under The Microscope With Paps Outside The House Taking Pictures Of Me Getting The Baby Out Of The Car, It Was Excruciating. I Remember Getting Her Out Of The Car Seat And Thinking 'oh God I'm Going To Drop Her And They're Going To Take A Picture'. I Was So Nervous. Those Sorts Of Things Are Really Hard.

As A Comic And As A Nurse, It's Important To Look Calm On The Surface When You're Absolutely Crapping Yourself Inside. So, If Someone Is Waving A Machete At You, Which Has Happened To Me When I Was A Nurse, It's Important To Make That Person Feel That You're In Control.

I Must Be An Anorexic Because An Anorexic Looks In The Mirror And Sees A Fat Person.

Wild Men Are So Enormously Attractive.

I Remember When Victoria Wood Started To Come Through, And I Thought She Was Great, Though She And I Are Very Different In Our Approach.

I Can Honestly Say I've Never Sold Any Arms To A Repressive Foreign Regime While Reassuring Everyone At Home That The Weapons Will Be Used For Nice Things.

The Comedian Sticks As Religiously To Her Theme As A Dancer Sticks To A Diet.

There Are 10-20 Times More Male Comics Than Female Comics; It's Something To Do With The Social Structure Of Society.

I Know There Are Certain Men That Hate Women Or Don't Like Women, And In Order To Make Women Feel Small, They Tend To Isolate Them When They Bully Them. And Women Are Often Humiliated By It And Feel They Can't Do Anything About It. So My Advice To Women Would Be: There's Always Support Around For Those Sorts Of Things And If You Feel You're Isolated In Any Way, Or Being Bullied, You Must Talk To Someone About It.

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I Thought I Was Funny As A Kid.

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They Say Revenge Is A Dish Best Eaten Cold, But For Most People, By The Time It's Ready To Eat, They Just Don't Fancy It Any More.

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Personal Opinions

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General Education

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I Never Ever Take Into Consideration The Consequences Of My Actions Until It's Too Late.

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You Look Across The Board At Comedy Quiz Shows, And They Are Mainly Hosted By Men.

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I Don't Like Doing Stand-up, Because I Don't Like Standing Up.

British Ferries Have Stopped Transporting Live Animals To The Continent. This Has Made It Very Difficult For England Fans To Get To Away Matches.

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I Don't Hold Any Candle For Drama Versus Comedy.

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Whatever Situation You Are In, That Is What Is Normal For You.

I Read That Book Fat Is A Feminist Issue, Got A Bit Desperate Halfway Through And Ate It.

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What They Did Was To Make A Pilot And It May Well Go To Series At The Next Festival But I Don't Have Any News On That. It's Already Been On Paramount Actually, But As It's On Paramount It'll Probably Be On Several More Times... Hopefully.

It's Got Too Much Hard Work Slapping Them And Telling Them To Shut Up.

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I Think I'd Concentrate On Young Women - Particularly Girls At School - And I Would Try And Build Into School Curriculums Much More Education About Relationships And How Girls (and Boys) Can Handle Them: Stuff About Consent And That Sort Of Thing.

I've Never Been A Fan Of Euphemism.

I've No Interest In Fashion, Shoes, Handbags, Or Sweaty Shopping.

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I Like To Shock People.

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By Crying On My Bed, Drinking Quite A Lot And Feeling Tempted By Drugs. Well, Just Not Reading It To Be Perfectly Honest With You. I Know It's A Bit Of A Copout.

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Anything Is Good If It's Made Of Chocolate.

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I'm Sure Some Cynical People Would Point To That As The Main Reason For Doing It For A Lot Of People.

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I Was Really, Because I Thought It Was Extremely Excruciating When I Watched A Tape Of It, That My Husband Taped For Me And I Never Watched It Again After That.

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My Mum Always Felt That Women Deserved As Much As Men, And Should Have As Much Power, So I Suppose I Opted To Go Into A Very Male-dominated Arena To Try And Prove That.

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An Overweight Guy Went To The Doctor Who Advised Him To Try A Keep Fit Dvd. But The Guy Said He Couldn't Be Bothered. “well” Suggested The Doctor, “try Something That Leaves You A Little Short Of Breath.” So The Buy Took Up Smoking.

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If You're A Fat Person - And Especially If You're A Woman - At All Stages Of Your Life You'll Get Abuse For It, So You Have To Work Out A Way Of Dealing With It. The Best Way Is To Be Humorous About It - That Defuses Any Tension.

Who Do I Like? I Am A Big Fan Of French And Saunders - Not That That They Are Particularly Stand-up I Have To Say, But I Think They Have Been Great For Women And They Are Of Themselves Just Incredibly Funny Whether They Are Male Or Female.

Even When I Wasn't Overweight I Was Never One Of Those Girls Or Women Who Wanted To Look Nice. I Always Thought It Wasn't Important.

Once You Get Labelled, People Expect You To Behave Within The Very Narrow Confines Of That Label.

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