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Everything Seems Overwhelming When You Stand Back And Look At The Totality Of It. I Build A Lot Of Stuff And It Would All Seem Impossible If I Didn't Break It Down Piece By Piece, Stage By Stage. The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself Is Some Drive--that Thing Inside Of You That Gets You Out The Door To The Gym, Job Interviews, And Dates. The Believe-in-yourself Adage Is Grossly Overrated.

-Adam Carolla

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Everything Seems Overwhelming When

Adam Carolla

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Everything Seems Overwhelming When You Stand Back And Look At The Totality Of It. I Build A Lot Of Stuff And It Would All Seem Impossible If I Didn't Break It Down Piece By Piece, Stage By Stage. The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself Is Some Drive--that Thing Inside Of You That Gets You Out The Door To The Gym, Job Interviews, And Dates. The Believe-in-yourself Adage Is Grossly Overrated.

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I Like My Parents But They Are Just Not Good Parents. They Are Nice Enough People. I'm Not Interested In Hurting Their Feelings.

I've Got A Great Eye For Color. I'm Like A Chick.

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Whoever Is For Higher Taxes, Feel Free To Pay Higher Taxes.

I Don't Think Healthcare's A Right. The Only Right You Have Is The Ability To Go Out On An Even Playing Field And Work, And Then Purchase Health Insurance, Or Whatever It Is.

He Doesn't Sound Like A Guy Who's Done A Onesome, Let Alone A Threesome.

Of Course On Air I Use Occasional Hyperbole To Tell A Story.

If You're Conservative In Hollywood, You're On A List Of People Who Need To Be Put In Their Place.

In My Early 20s I Was So Miserable Doing Construction, I Wanted Something That Paid Money. I Liked Nice Stuff. I Liked Cars And Architecture, And Things That Cost Money. I Wanted To Not Swing A Hammer, And Make Money… And Not Do Stuff That Was Dirty. I Attempted To Get Into Comedy. I Started To Do Stand-up, But I Wasn’t Very Good At It.

If Women Built The Bridges Or Were Meant To Build The Bridges, Then They Would Have Done It.

It's Funny When You're A Kid How You Can Acclimate To Almost Anything.

I Have No Connection With Hollywood. I'm Not Interested. I Don't Care.

This Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us. And It's Not The Glitter And It's Not The Pomp And Circumstance. We've Got Black And White, We've Got Hispanic And Asian, We Got Gay, Straight, And Guttenberg, All Working Together For One Common Goal: To Get The Mirror Ball. And The Mirror Ball Doesn't Care What Color You Are, And It Doesn't Care How Rich Your Parents Are, And It Doesn't Care What God You Pray To. It's An Even Wooden Floor, And May The Best Man Or Woman Win. And I Say God Bless Dancing With The Stars, And God Bless The Usa.

I Feel Like I'm A Time Traveler From The Future Who Has Been Sent Back To Be Annoyed.

As I Said In My Last Book, Birds Are Mean. They're The Only Pet That, When They Escape, The Owners Are Relieved. You Can Tell A Species Is Evil By Doing This Simple Math. If My Blond Lab Molly Was The Size Of T-rex, That Would Just Mean More Kibble, More Work For The Gardener In The Backyard, And A Harder Time Moving Her To My Wife's Side Of The Bed At Night. If Birds Were The Size Of A T-rex, The Streets Would Be Littered With Human Remains.

The Thing About A Good Podcast Is You Have To Have A Good Host. If You Don't Have A Compelling Host Then You Have Nothing.

If You Spend Your Life Walking Through Somebody Else's Museum, You Never Find Out Whether You're Rembrandt Or Not.

I'm A Comedian, Not A Politician.

I Had Two Thoughts About It. One Was I Could Do That, And The Next One Was I'll Never Get To Do That.

I Like Radio And Live Performing Stuff. I Don't Like The Television Stuff As Much.

I Used To Be A Democrat, Now I'm Basically A Republican.

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I Get Depressed At Airports.

It's Like The Fouth Of July In My Underpants.

I Got Drunk In Canada. I Was There For 2 Days But I Was Drunk There For 4 Days. I Don't Know How It Worked. I Guess It Was With The Time Difference Or Something.

I Don't Think I've Ever Seen Pie Advertised. That's How You Know It's Good. They Advertise Ice Cream And Other Desserts. They Advertise The Bejeeezus Out Of Yogurt, But I Haven't Seen One Pie Commercial.

You Don't Realize How Much You Use Your Credit Card Not Even To Buy Things. It's A Card You Get So You Can Navigate Society.

A Lot Of People Would Say, To Be Truthful Is To Tell All, Every Dalliance, Every Crisis. They Might Be Right On Paper, But In Practice, It's Not A Great Way To Go.

Well, Guys Are Better At Mechanical Stuff And Women Are Better At Emotional Stuff.

I Give Women Two Types Of Orgasms. Fake And None.

All Tv Is, Is Really: 'don't You Want To Be This, Aren't You Glad You're Not That.' There's Nothing Really In The Middle.

If You Want To Have A Good Life, You Should Focus On Your Family, On Your Business, On Your Dog, On Your Fun, And You'll Have A Good Life.

Asking Someone In Advance Not Judge You, Is Like Asking Someone In Advance Not To Smell You.

You're 28, Why Are You Going To Goth Clubs? Do What I Do, Sit At Home & Wait To Die. You Don't Have To Kill Yourself, You're Just Waiting.

I Don't Like Soccer. I Think It Makes You Soft. And By The Way, You Telling Me It's The Biggest Whatever In The World, Look, They Drink Tea Everywhere Too; They're Pussies, You Understand? I Want Some Coffee.

Mmm, Tastes Like Hepatitis!

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I Am Not Agnostic. I Am Atheist. I Don’t Think There Is No God; I Know There’s No God. I Know There’s No God The Same Way I Know Many Other Laws In Our Universe. I Know There’s No God And I Know Most Of The World Knows That As Well. They Just Won’t Admit It Because There’s Another Thing They Know. They Know They’re Going To Die And It Freaks Them Out. So Most People Don’t Have The Courage To Admit There’s No God And They Know It. They Feel It. They Try To Suppress It. And If You Bring It Up They Get Angry Because It Freaks Them Out.

Welfare Is Monetary Methadone.

I Don't Normally Vote. I'm Lazy And I Never Bought Into The Every Vote Counts.

All's The Government Should Do Is Keep The Taxes And Regulations At A Manageable Rate, Keep A Decent Standing Army And Get Out Of The Way.

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Everyone In Hollywood Thinks Like A Republican Fiscally By Leaving Town To Shoot Everything; They Just Don't Vote That Way.

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Speaking Of Sleeping Bags, Has Anything Ever Had A Less Creative Name?

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Having Sex Without A Condom Is Like Riding A Roller Coaster With Diarrhea. You Can't Just Throw Your Hands Up And Enjoy It.

Wearing Crocs Is Like Getting Blown By A Dude. It Feels Great Until You Look Down And Realize You're Gay.

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When You Have Kids, You Instantly Feel That You Do Not Want To Do Them Wrong. Those Dads That Go Off To Florida And Start A New Life, I Couldn’t Imagine That: Seeing My Kid Once Every Christmas, Every Three Years. If I’m Gone For Six Days It Feels Like Too Much.

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Figure Out What To Do, Then Take A Nap.

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People Have To Be Realistic, Or The Dream Just Drags On.

Maybe It's Weird, But I Don't Feel In Any Way, Shape Or Form That I'm Taking Over His Show.

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The Shuttle Is The Worst $20 You'll Ever Save. It Adds 90 Minutes To Whatever A Town Car Or Cab Would Have Been. You Have The Unenviable Choice Between Being Dropped Off Last Or Being Dropped Off First And Having A Bunch Of Losers Who Can't Afford Cab Fare And Have No Friends Or Loved Ones With Cars Knowing Exactly Where You Live.

No One Is Depressed When They're Being Chased By A Bear.

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When Asian People Grow Up Fast They Go To College At 13. White People Grow Up Fast It's About Fudge Packing And Triple D's At 13.

When I Am King, I Will Revise The Sexual Bases System So That Getting To First Base Will Include Oral Sex And Sodomy!

You Don't Cruise The Internet Looking For Your Name And Walk Away With A Good Feeling. So, I Never Do It.

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My Life Is About Building And Working And Wrenching On Some Cars.

I'd Never Hurt Another Person.

If Joy Behar Or Sherri Shepherd Was A Dude, They'd Be Off Tv. They're Not Funny Enough For Dudes. What If Roseanne Barr Was A Dude? Think We'd Know Who She Was?

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I'm Really Just Trying To Hash Out The Next Two Weeks Of My Life. So, Something That Is Potentially Four Months Down The Road Is Not Just A Mile Down The Road For Me, It's A Million Miles Down The Road.

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Don’t Do Your Best, Do My Best.

If The Media Isnt Slanted Toward The Left, Why Is Everyone So Worried About My Affiliation With Glenn Beck But Not With Alec Baldwin?

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