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English Humor Resembles The Loch Ness Monster In That Both Are Famous But There Is A Strong Suspicion That Neither Exists.

-George Mikes

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English Humor Resembles The

George Mikes

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English Humor Resembles The Loch Ness Monster In That Both Are Famous But There Is A Strong Suspicion That Neither Exists.

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When People Say England, They Sometimes Mean Great Britain, Sometimes The United Kingdom, Sometimes The British Isles, - But Never England.

In The Field Of Snobbery, Australia Is An Underdeveloped Country; Even A Few British Ex-colonies, Regarded As Under Developed In All Other Respects, Could Export A Great Deal Of Snobbery To Australia And Still Have Enough To Spare For Their Own, Internal Needs.

In England The Boy Pats His Adored One On The Back And Says Softly, "i Don't Object, You Know." If He Is Quite Mad With Passion, He May Add: "i Rather Fancy You, In Fact.

A Foreign Observer Is Struck By Our Gentleness: By The Orderly Behaviour Of The English Crowds, The Lack Of Pushing And Quarrelling, The Willingness To Form Queues.

Nobody Uses His Car In New York, Because So Many People Use It That Traffic Is Congested And Unbearably Slow.

The Americans Are Extremely Gadget Minded People And American Gadgets Have A Peculiar Characteristic: They Work.

People On The Continent Either Tell You The Truth Or Lie; In England They Hardly Ever Lie, But They Would Not Dream Of Telling You The Truth.

It Is Often Said That The Japanese Are Extremely Clean At Home, Or Inside Any House Or Office, But Dirty And Untidy Outside. 'go And Look At A Railway Station,' I Was Told, 'and You'll Be Horrified.' I Went And Was Horrified; Horrified By The Cleanliness Of The Place.

Bargaining Is A Repulsive Habit; Compromise Is One Of The Highest Human Virtues - The Difference Between The Two Being That The First Is Practised On The Continent, The Latter In Great Britain.

Continental People Have A Sex Life; The English Have Hot-water Bottles.

The British Are Brave People. They Can Face Anything, Except Reality.

Japan Suffered Terribly From The Atomic Bomb But Never Adopted A Pose Of Moral Superiority, Implying: 'we Would Never Have Done It!' The Japanese Know Perfectly Well They Would Have Used It Had They Had It. They Accept The Idea That War Is War; They Give No Quarter And Accept None. Total War, They Recognize, Knows No Queensberry Rules. If You Develop A Devastating New Weapon During A Total War, You Use It; You Do Not Put It Into The War Museum.

The World Still Consists Of Two Clearly Divided Groups: The English And The Foreigners. One Group Consists Of Less Than 50 Million People; The Other Of 3,950 Million. The Latter Group Does Not Really Count.

Prices In Italy Are Only Slightly Lower Than In France, Which Means That Italy Is A Very Expensive Country For Everyone, Natives, Visitors And Tourists.

On The Continent There Is One Topic Which Should Be Avoided-the Weather; In England, If You Do Not Repeat The Phrase "lovely Day, Isn't It?" At Least Two Hundred Times A Day, You Are Considered A Bit Dull.

Australia Objects To The Mini-skirt Not On Moral But On Economic Grounds. Australians Are No Prudes And The Lovely, Healthy, Sporty Australian Girls Have No Reason To Hide Their Knees And Thighs. However, The Mini-skirt Is Disastrous For The Wool-trade.

When A Wicked And Unworthy Subject Annoyed The Sultan Of Turkey Or The Czar Of Russia, He Had His Head Cut Of Without Much Ceremony; But When The Same Happened In England, The Monarch Declared : "we Are Not Amused".

What Beefsteak Is To Argentina, Flamenco To Spain, Cool Reserve And Self-control In All Situations To An Englishman, What Vodka Is To A Russian And Beer To A Bavarian, What Money Is To A Swiss, That Is Outdoor-life To An Australian. It Is A Noble Mania, Better Than Vodka, Better Than Cool Reserve, Better Than Money.

On The Continent People Have Good Food; In England People Have Good Table Manners.

Although The Rudiments Of Snobbery Are There, Its Finer Developments Are Basically Alien To The Australian Soul - That Is, If Australians Have A Soul; Many People Believe That They Are Too Matter-of-fact And Down-to-earth To Have Such Fancy Commodities.

Humility Is One Of The Most Repulsive Virtues, Nearly Always False.

Long Before The Word Zionism Was Uttered For The First Time, Old Religious Jews Came From All Over The World To Die In Jerusalem. It Is The Finest Place To Die In - It Has Always Been Acknowledged. It Has A Joie De Mourir Quite Its Own.

If Somebody Tells You An Obviously Untrue Story, On The Continent You Would Remark, "you Are A Liar, Sir, And A Rather Dirty One At That." In England You Just Say "oh, Is That So?" Or "that's Rather An Unusual Story, Isn't It?

It Was Decided Almost Two Hundred Years Ago That English Should Be The Language Spoken In The United States. It Is Not Known, However, Why This Decision Has Not Been Carried Out.

Jokes Are Better Than War. Even The Most Aggressive Jokes Are Better Than The Least Aggressive Wars. Even The Longest Jokes Are Better Than The Shortest Wars.

To Be Extravagant You Need Money. True. But You Do Not Need Your Own Money.

Japan Is, You Often Feel, An Improved Version Of The United States.

The Japanese Are Human Beings Like The Rest Of Us, But They Will Strongly Resent This Insinuation.

A Great Deal Of The Pupils Time Was Spent Going Through, Once Again, The History Of The Communist (bolshevik) Party Of The Soviet Union. He Had Learnt It At Elementary School; At Secondary School; At His Sports Club; At The Komsomol; At The University; At A Folk Dancing Course; At The Chess-club.

The Man Who Is Not Afraid Of Danger Is Not A Hero, But A Psychopath.

They (americans) Have Their National Game, Baseball - Which Is Cricket Played With A Strong American Accent - And They Have A National Language, Entirely Their Own, Unlike Any Other Language Spoken On The Earth.

The Country Has Always Been Governed By A Coalition But Today It Is Governed By A So-called Grand Coalition Which Is A More Polite Word For All And Sundry.

American Radio Is The Reverse Of The Shakespearean Stage. In Shakespeare's Time The World's Greatest Dramas Were Acted With The Most Primitive Technical Arrangements; On The American Air The World's Most Primitive Writing Is Performed Under Perfect Technical Conditions.

I Said In My Earlier Book, And Find No Reason For Retracting My Statement, That The Famous Jewish Sense Of Humour Got Lost In Transit To Israel.

In Moscow They Do Not Pay Much Attention To The Living But Keep Their Cemeteries In A Splendid State.

There Are Many Non-intellectual Countries; Australia Is One Of The Few Anti-intellectual Ones.

It Is Great Fun Dying In The United States Of America. It Is Great Fun First Of All For The Undertakers Who Make A Wonderful Living Out Of It But Also For The Deceased Who Suddenly Becomes The Centre Of Attention And Fuss.

'i Don't Say A Zionist Must Be Insane,' Said President Weizmann, 'but It Helps If He Is.'

The English Have No Soul; They Have The Understatement Instead.

You Must Not Refuse Any Additional Cups Of Tea Under The Following Circumstances: If It Is Hot; If It Is Cold; If You Are Tired; If Anybody Thinks That You Might Be Tired; If You Are Nervous; If You Are Gay; Before You Go Out; If You Are Out; If You Have Just Returned Home; If You Feel Like It; If You Do Not Feel Like It; If You Have Had No Tea For Some Time; If You Have Just Had A Cup.

The English Are Always Ready To Admire Anything So Long As They Can Queue Up.

Australians Are Decent People With The Right Instincts And They Wish Everybody Well; But If All Is Not Well, It Is None Of Their Business And They Will Not Lose Too Much Sleep Over It. The Shrug Of The Shoulders Has Become - Only Temporarily, I Daresay - The National Gesture Of Australia.

Rich People (in Australia) Have Swimming Pools In Their Gardens But, At Least, They Do Swim In Them.

Remember That Those Five Hundred Words An Average Englishman Uses Are Far From Being The Whole Vocabulary Of The Language. You May Learn Another Five Hundred And Another Five Thousand And Yet Another Fifty Thousand And Still You May Come Across A Further Fifty Thousand You Have Never Heard Of Before, And Nobody Else Either.

Tel-aviv Airport Is Still The Only Airport In The World Where Each Passenger Is Met By Ten Relatives.

Israelis Keep Teaching You Your Own Business. God Knows Everything But The Israelis Know Everything Better.

Television Is Of Great Educational Value. It Teaches You While Still Young How To (a) Kill, (b) Rob, (c) Embezzle, (d) Shoot, (e) Poison, And, Generally Speaking, (f) How To Grow Up Into A Wild West Outlaw Or Gangster By The Time You Leave School.

To Have Created A Welfare State Was A Great Achievement; But We Must Go On To Create A Welfare Planet.

A Dog Will Flatter You But You Have To Flatter The Cat.

The Art Of Conversation Could Not Die In Australia; It Never Lived. Television Did Not Kill It; There Was Nothing There To Kill.

Was He Joking? Was He Being Sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or Just Courteous? There Was No Telling From His Impassive Face. What A Country, He Thought Despairingly. In Russia You Always Knew. If A Man Made A Stern Face He Was Threatening; If He Was Laughing Uproariously, He Was Joking.

Israel Also Deprived The World Of Its Chance Of Shedding Tears Of Genuine Sympathy Over Her Destruction. The World Resents This; It Likes To Feel Noble And Sympathetic.

The British Suffer From A Most Unfortunate Superiority Complex - Unjustified Even Under Victoria And Most Certainly Hopelessly Out-of-date Today.

The English Take Everything With An Exquisite Sense Of Humour. They Are Only Offended If You Tell Them That They Have No Sense Of Humour.

The Trouble With Tea Is That Originally It Was Quite A Good Drink. So A Group Of The Most Eminent British Scientists Put Their Heads Together And Made Complicated Biological Experiments To Find A Way Of Spoiling It. To The Eternal Glory Of British Science, Their Labour Bore Fruit.

A Criminal May Improve And Become A Decent Member Of Society. A Foreigner Cannot Improve. Once A Foreigner, Always A Foreigner. There Is No Way Out For Him.

An Englishman, Even If He Is Alone, Forms An Orderly Queue Of One.

If It Is Gay, Ribald And Lascivious Night-life You Are After, Israel Is Not The Place For You. The Night Clubs You Do Find Are Nearer In Spirit To A Ymca Than To Dens Of Iniquity.

Travel' Is The Name Of A Modern Disease Which Became Rampant In Themid-fifties And Is Still Spreading. The Disease - Its Scientific Name Is Travelitis Furiosus - Is Carried By A Germ Called Prosperity.

The Poor Americans Are So Busy Defending The Rights Of Hindus In Pakistan, Moslems In India, Jews In Palestine, Koreans In Japan, Italians In Yugoslavia And Hungarians In Czechoslovakia That They Simply Cannot Give A Thought To Negroes In The United States.

Many Continentals Think Life Is A Game; The English Think Cricket Is A Game.

You Can Keep A Dog: But It Is The Cat Who Keeps People, Because Cats Find Humans Useful Domestic Animals.

The British Are Proud Of Their Ability To Create A Muddle And Then Muddle Through All Difficulties. I Must Shake The British Pride: Muddle Is Not An Exclusively British Institution. Read Descriptions, For Instance, Of The Over-organized, Wonderfully Systematic And "thorough" German War Machine During The Last War.

I Have Often Thought That The Aim Of Port Is To Give You A Good And Durable Hangover, So That During The Next Day You Should Be Reminded Of The Splendid Occasion The Night Before.

Bad English Was The Second Language Of Israel And Bad Hebrew, Of Course, Remained The National Language.

Once You Start Buying First Aid Kits You Start Having Accidents.

In England Only Uneducated People Show Off Their Knowledge; Nobody Quotes Latin Or Greek Authors In The Course Of Conversation, Unless He Has Never Read Them.

A Couple From Sydney Or Melbourne Might Leave On The Same Day For Their Holiday: The Wife Might Go Sun-bathing At Surfers Paradise, In Queensland, The Husband Ski-ing In The Snowy Mountains. A Lucky Country.

I Asked Many Friends If Australian Anti-intellectualism Was Still A Living Force And They All Told Me It Was. If You Are Above Average Intelligence, Hide This Embarrassing Fact.

Foreigners Have Souls; The English Haven't.

On The Continent Stray Cats Are Judged Individually On Their Merit-some Are Loved, Some Are Only Respected; In England They Are Universally Worshipped As In Ancient Egypt.

English Humor Resembles The Loch Ness Monster In That Both Are Famous But There Is A Strong Suspicion That Neither Exists.

In England It Is Bad Manners To Be Clever, To Assert Something Confidently. It May Be Your Own Personal View That Two And Two Make Four, But You Must Not State It In A Self-assured Way, Because This Is A Democratic Country And Others May Be Of A Different Opinion.

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