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'celebrity Apprentice' Has More Integrity And Is The Most Straightforward Show I've Ever Seen.

-Penn Jillette

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'celebrity Apprentice' Has More

Penn Jillette

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'celebrity Apprentice' Has More Integrity And Is The Most Straightforward Show I've Ever Seen.

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Straightforward

More From Penn Jillette

It Wasn't Success, Because Teller And I, By The Time Asparagus Valley Got Together - Within A Year, We Had Achieved All Our Goals. I Mean, Our Goal Was To Earn Our Living Doing Exactly What We Wanted. Which Is Many People's Goal.

Congratulations

The Tea Party Claims To Want Small Government.

Cars Mean Nothing To Me. I'm Not A Car Guy.

If I Were Trying To Avoid Embarrassment, I Wouldn't Have Stumbled My Way Through 'dancing With The Stars.'

Performers Have The Right To Say What They Want To, And Anyone Paying Money Has The Right To Accept Or Reject The Art And Entertainment That's Available.

My Favorite Thing About The Internet Is That You Get To Go Into The Private World Of Real Creeps Without Having To Smell Them.

There Is No Reason For The Government To Limit Political Speech.

America Was Founded On Christians Not Trusting Each Other, And They Sometimes Seemed More Willing To Reach Out To The Godless Than To Someone From Another Sect.

Trusting Each Other

Charities Are Really Good. To A Certain Extent, The Ones You Pick Are Arbitrary.

For Better Or Worse, In The 21st Century, Reality Shows Are The Variety Show.

If You've Gotten Yourself Into A Situation When Clay Aiken Is Going To Talk About His Feelings With You, It's Time To Kill Yourself.

Every Day, Tv, Newspapers, And The Internet Bombard Us With A Message That We're Destroying The Earth. Ice Caps Are Melting, Rivers Are Dying, Polar Bears Are Drowning, And Trees Are Doing Something.

I Believe Very Much That The Most Damning Thing You Can Say About Muslims Is That You're Afraid To Say Anything Because They'll Hurt You.

Never Ascribe To Conspiracy That Which Can Be Attributed To Ignorance.

If You Believe That There’s A Heaven And Hell And People Could Be Going To Hell—or Not Getting Eternal Life Or Whatever—and You Think That, Well, It’s Not Really Worth Telling Them This Because It Would Make It Socially Awkward. . . . How Much Do You Have To Hate Somebody To Not Proselytize? How Much Do You Have To Hate Somebody To Believe That Everlasting Life Is Possible And Not Tell Them That?

In Music, If You Hit A Wrong Note, People Forgive You. In Magic When Something Goes Wrong, The Entire Art Is Destroyed.

It's Not Arrogant To Say That You Can't Figure Out The Answers To The Universe With Your Internal Faith. It's Not Arrogant To Know That There's No Omniscient, Omnipotent Prime Mover In The Universe Who Loves You Personally. It's Not Sad To Feel That Life And The Love Of Your Real Friends And Family Is More Than Enough To Make Life Worth Living. Isn't It Much Sadder To Feel That There Is A More Important Love Required Than The Love Of The People Who Have Chosen To Spend Their Limited Time With You?

Poker Has The Feeling Of A Sport, But You Don't Have To Do Push-ups.

I'm Really Happy With All The Art That Was Inspired By Religion, And I Think I'd Be Tickled To Little Tiny Pieces If Art In The Future Was Inspired By Other Things.

Counterintuitive Action Makes A Fellow Feel Smart.

I Don't Speak For All Libertarians Any More Than Sean Penn Speaks For All Democrats.

Believing There's No God Means I Can't Really Be Forgiven Except By Kindness And Faulty Memories. That's Good; It Makes Me Want To Be More Thoughtful. I Have To Try To Treat People Right The First Time Around.

I Love The Idea That Horror And Fear Is A Celebration Of Health And Life.

Health And Life

I Think People Under Age 55 Come To Vegas With A Certain Sense Of Irony.

A Two-party System Is Way Too Good For Those Two Parties.

Channeling Is Just Bad Ventriloquism. You Use Another Voice, But People Can See Your Lips Moving.

I Never Wanted To Be A Magician. I Never Wanted To Be A Comedian. I Never Wanted To Be Onstage.

Every Nut Who Kills People Has A Bible Lying Around.

How Much Do You Have To Hate Somebody To Not Proselytize?

Everlasting Life

Twelve Magicians And Two Carnies Have Been Shot Dead Doing The Bullet Catch. That's Cool Enough, But Every Night When We Close Our Show With That Trick And The Loaded Gun Gets Pointed In My Face, It Goes So Far Beyond Cool. All I Can Think Is 12 Magicians, Two Carnies.

This I Believe: I Believe There Is No God.

There Is No God

I Will Forever Stick Up For Catholics And Christians In General. With A Small Number Of Very Horrible Exceptions, They Do Play By The Rules.

Juggling Is Very, Very Straightforward; Very, Very Black And White; You're Manipulating Objects, Not People. And That's Always Appealed To Me.

Black And White

Straightforward

Technology Adds Nothing To Art.

The Definition Of A Stupid Thing Is Something That If You Do Everything Right, You Still Get Hurt. Fire-eating And Love Are Stupid Things.

So Many People Say, ‘you Know, Your Taxes Aren’t Taken By Force,’ And That’s Foolish. If You Don’t Pay Your Taxes And You Don’t Answer The Warrant And You Don’t Go To Court, Eventually Someone Will Pull A Gun. Eventually Someone With A Gun Will Show Up.

I Don't Think I'm Made Of The Right Stuff To Be A Politician. I Think I'm Made To Be A Loose Cannon.

It Seems Just Rude To Beg The Invisible For More.

Religion Cannot And Should Not Be Replaced By Atheism. Religion Needs To Go Away And Not Be Replaced By Anything. Atheism Is Not A Religion. It's The Absence Of Religion, And That's A Wonderful Thing.

If You Want To Turn Out An Atheist Child, Unconditional Love Constantly Is A Good Way To Do It.

Unconditional Love

When 9/11 Hit, The Second Thing I Said To Myself Was, 'this Really Is What Religious People Do.' Those People Flying The Plane Were Very Good, Very Pious, Truly Faithful Believers. There's No Other Way To Paint Them. Of Course, They Are Extremists By Definition, But They Certainly Aren't Going Against Islam In Any Real Way.

Muslim Extremists

I'm A Hardcore Libertarian - I Want Everything Legal - But I Also Believe That You Have The Right To Free Association.

Technology Is Run By Sex, Because It's Very Important To People, Both Technology And Sex.

Thou Shalt Not Take Anything On Faith

I Love Nuts. I'm For Nuts. I Am Nuts.

Even If I Disagree With Obama On Many, Many Things, He Is Certainly Qualified To Be President. He Is Certainly Competent To Be President.

Everyone's Goals Are The Same With Very Small Differences. I Mean, The Goal Of A Socialist And The Goal Of A Libertarian Are Exactly The Same. The Goals Are Happiness And Security And Freedom, And You Balance Those.

Security And Freedom

If There Are Two Things Penn & Teller Stand For, It's The Truth & Lying, Although Not Necessarily In That Order.

Jay-z, He Knows Precisely Who He's Going For - 14-year-old White Suburban Girls.

Tolerance Is You Saying Something Crazy And Me Smiling And Saying, 'that's Nice.'

The Word ‘holiday’ Comes From ‘holy Day’ And Holy Means ‘exalted And Worthy Of Complete Devotion.’ By That Definition, All Days Are Holy. Life Is Holy. Atheists Have Joy Every Day Of The Year, Every Holy Day. We Have The Wonder And Glory Of Life. We Have Joy In The World Before The Lord Is Come. We’re Not Going For The Promise Of Life After Death; We’re Celebrating Life Before Death…for Atheists, Everything In The World Is Enough And Every Day Is Holy. Every Day Is An Atheist Holiday. It’s A Day That We’re Alive.

Well, It's Not Really The Right Word, But Freedom Is Kind Of A Hobby With Me, And I Have Disposable Income That I'll Spend To Find Out How To Get People More Of It.

A Famous Monk Once Said, I Don't Always Know What The Right Thing To Do Is, My Lord, But I Think The Fact That I Want To Please You Pleases You.

The Medium Is Not The Message - The Message Is The Message.

The Cliche Of The Nerdy Kid Who Doesn't Go Outside And Just Plays Games Is Completely Untrue. And It's Also True For The Nerdy Kid Who Studies Comic Books And Turns Into This Genius, And It Is Also True For The Nerdy Kid Who Listens To Every Nerdy Thing That Led Zeppelin Put Out. That Kind Of Obsession In A 16-year-old Is Not Ugly. It's Beautiful.

There Is This Tremendous Amount Of Arrogance And Hubris, Where Somebody Can Look At Something For Five Minutes And Dismiss It. Whether You Talk About Gaming Or 20th Century Classical Music, You Can't Do It In Five Minutes. You Can't Listen To 'the Rite Of Spring' Once And Understand What Stravinsky Was All About.

If You Are Doing Something For Reward Or Punishment, You Do Not Have Morality.

I Believe The Fast Track To Atheism Is Reading The Bible. I've Read It Three Times All The Way Through. It's A Big Part Of Our Culture, A Big Part Of Our History. I Don't Just Read Things I Agree With.

The Reason I'm An I.b.m.-type Guy Today Is That I Really Needed A Laptop Back In 1986, And I Just Couldn't Wait For The Powerbook.

One Of The Things That Teller And I Are Obsessed With, One Of The Reasons That We're In Magic, Is The Difference Between Fantasy And Reality. That Is The Subject That, If You Have A Brain In Your Head, Is Always Dealt With In Magic. The Smarter The Tricks You're Doing, The More That' S An Important Thing.

The Skills That We Have Are The Actual Magic Skills - Not The Performing Skills. We Have To Separate Those. But The Actual Skills That Make The Tricks Work, We Don't Get To Use Again.

I Think One Of The Things About Donald Trump That's Interesting Is He Lives In A Rarified Atmosphere Where It's Possible That He Doesn't Get Enough Feedback, Enough People Rolling Their Eyes At Him. It's A Danger More In Show Business Than It Is With Wealth.

The Only Difference Between Obama And Bush Is That Obama Is Killing More People.

One Of The Things That Teller And I Are Obsessed With, One Of The Reasons That We're In Magic, Is The Difference Between Fantasy And Reality.

There Are Performers Who Have Built Their Whole Career Doing Magic On Tv And Can't Really Perform Live At All - Don't Really Have Jobs And Skills.

Teller And I Worked Renaissance Festivals And Street Performing - Actually More Real, No Kidding Around, Philadelphia Street Performing Than We Did Renaissance Festivals.

You Don’t Have To Be Brave Or A Saint, A Martyr, Or Even Very Smart To Be An Atheist. All You Have To Be Able To Say Is “i Don’t Know”.

Atheism Is A Religion Like Not Collecting Stamps Is A Hobby.

Technology Adds Nothing To Art. Two Thousand Years Ago, I Could Tell You A Story, And At Any Point During The Story I Could Stop, And Ask, 'now Do You Want The Hero To Be Kidnapped, Or Not?' But That Would, Of Course, Have Ruined The Story. Part Of The Experience Of Being Entertained Is Sitting Back And Plugging Into Someone Else's Vision.

I Am A Huge Fan Of Proselytizing. I Am A Huge Fan Of Speaking Your Mind. The Only Way We Can Share The Universe... Is By Talking Very Strongly About What We Believe.

I Love When Violent, Dangerous Art Is Done By People Who Are Not Violent And Dangerous. I Love That When George Romero Was Making 'dawn Of The Dead,' He Was Coaching His Son's Little League Team.

When I Was 15, 16, 17 Years Old, I Spent Five Hours A Day Juggling, And I Probably Spent Six Hours A Day Seriously Listening To Music. And If I Were 16 Now, I Would Put That Time Into Playing Video Games.

World War Ii Proves There's No God.

Love And Respect All People. Hate And Destroy All Faith.

Love And Respect

Believing There Is No God Gives Me More Room For Belief In Family, People, Love, Truth, Beauty, Sex, Jell-o, And All The Other Things I Can Prove And That Make This Life The Best Life I Will Ever Have.

We Have To Fight For The Freedom To Be Stupid, And Smoking Is One Of The Best Ways To Fight For Your Freedom, To Be Just As Stupid As You Can Be.

Everyday Is An Atheist Holiday.

Direct Confrontation, Direct Conversation Is Real Respect. And It's Amazing How Many People Get That.

I Like Things Matching. I Have An Upright Bass, A Drum Kit And A Grand Piano That's The Same Color. I Tend To Overthink Things.

The First Amendment Says Nothing About Your Getting Paid For Saying Anything. It Just Says You Can Say It. I Don't Believe That If A Corporation Pulls All The Money Out Of You Or A Network Pulls Their Money Away Or You Get Fired, You're Being Censored.

You Can't Believe How Pro Gay And Pro Freedom Of Speech I Am. I'm Way Out Beyond Anyone On The Left.

I Mean, If I Believed, Beyond The Shadow Of A Doubt, That A Truck Was Coming At You, And You Didn’t Believe That Truck Was Bearing Down On You, There Is A Certain Point Where I Tackle You. And This Is More Important Than That.

If I Go Out To Dinner With You And You Order Wine, I Leave. I Won't Be Around Drugs And Alcohol At All.

In Reality, Many People Let Go Of Religion Later In Life.

I Was Always A Little Embarrassed When There Was An Act On Television That Requires A Great Deal Of Skill But Is A Little Goofy, And The Host Comes Over And Acts Like The Person Doing This Skill Is Some Sort Of Fool For Having Learned To Do Something That's Very, Very Difficult.

Everybody Prefers To See A Nut - They're More Fascinating.

We Celebrities Are Desperate Pigs.

Modern American Magic, Late 20th Century Magic, Is Tremendously Disrespectful Of The Audience.

Read Everything And Be Kind.

I Have More Contact With People Who Consume, For Lack Of A Better Word, My Product Than Any Other Performers.

Democracy Without Respect For Individual Rights Sucks. It's Just Ganging Up Against The Weird Kid, And I'm Always The Weird Kid.

I Came To Magic Absolutely Hating Magic On A Very, Very Deep Level.

Once You Have Somebody That Is Telling You, 'we Are Interpreting God For You,' It Seems Like You Either Agree Or You Don't. You Either Say, Like Martin Luther, 'i'm Going To Have A Direct Relationship With The Word Of God,' Or I''m Going To Go Through A Conduit Of God On Earth,' Which Would Be The Pope.

I Didn't Learn Fire-eating To Conquer My Fears. I Learned Fire-eating Because I Desperately Wanted To Be In Show Business.

One Thing You Learn Doing Magic Tricks For A Living Is How Close Every Performance Of Every Magic Trick Is To Disaster. There Are No Robust Magic Tricks. They're All Hanging From A Thread - Sometimes Literally.

Penn & Teller Don't Know Jack About Global Warming.

Magic Is The Special Olympics Of Entertainment.

Cheerios Bring Back Memories. I Actually Don't Think I Ate Them Much As A Kid, Though; Maybe It's Some Sort Of Jungian Memory, I Don't Know. But They Have So Much Sugar, It's Great.

Everybody Is Designing Magic Iphone Apps That Do Things That Are Really, Really Beautiful, But A Really Important Thing About Magic Is That The Gimmick Has To Be Ugly.

Don't Waste Too Much Time Wishing, Hoping, And Being Envious; It'll Make You Bugnutty.

In My Run-ins With Christians... I Find That They Really Are Good Moral People. And We Overlap On Everything, And They Don't Seem To Be The Kind Of People That Are Waiting To Hear Voices To Tell Them What To Do.

The Purpose Of Art Is To Collide The Intellectual And Visceral Together At The Highest Speed Possible.

People Need To Be Fed, Medicated, Educated, Clothed, And Sheltered, And If We're Compassionate We'll Help Them, But You Get No Moral Credit For Forcing Other People To Do What You Think Is Right. There Is Great Joy In Helping People, But No Joy In Doing It At Gunpoint.

I've Never Had A Drink Of Alcohol Or Any Drug In My Life.

It's Only The Losers Named Dave That Think Having An Unusual Name Is Bad, And Who Cares What They Think. They're Named Dave.

The Vast Majority Of The World Knows There's No Reason To Circumcise. Someone Should Tell The Doctors.

No One Can Tell You The Rules Of 'celebrity Apprentice.' No One. Donald Trump Just Does What He Wants, Which Is Mostly Pontificating To People Who Are Sucking Up To Him, While The Network People Try To Manipulate Him Into Making The Highest-rated Show They Can.

I Don't Think Anything Gives Your Life Joy And Meaning. I Think Your Life Simply Has Joy And Meaning. The Love For My Children, The Love For My Parents And The Love For My Friends Is The End In Itself. The Meaning Is Life.

When I Buy Windows 98, I'm Not Only Buying Something Useful, I'm Giving Money To Bill Gates, Which Is A Really Good Thing.

Buying Something

A Lot Of People, To Attack An Outspoken Atheist, One Of The Things They'll Do Is Say, 'you Are As Bad As The Fundamentalist Christians.' And My Answer Is Always, 'i Hope So.'

The Highest Ideals Are Human Intelligence, Creativity And Love. Respect These Above All.

I'm A Big Fan Of Gospel Music, And You Cannot Be A Fan Of Rock And Roll, You Cannot Be A Fan Of Country Western Music, And You Can't Really Be A Fan Of Jazz Without Listening To A Lot Of Music That's Religious.

Exploration Of Space Is Worth It Because Humans Need To Explore. Knowledge Is Always Good, And It's A Really Cool Thing To See.

Every Poker Player Is Smarter Than Me.

From 1985 To 1994, I Lived In Manhattan In A Big Old Loft Right Off Times Square. I Could Walk To Work, Which Was In A Couple Of Broadway Theaters, To Howard Stern's Studio, And To 30 Rock For 'letterman' And 'snl.' Even In New York, Walking To Work Is Homey And Folksy, Like Living In A Small Town.

I Don't Travel In Circles Where People Say, 'i Have Faith, I Believe This In My Heart And Nothing You Can Say Or Do Can Shake My Faith.' That's Just A Long-winded Religious Way To Say 'shut Up.'

I've Voted Libertarian As Long As I Can Remember, But I Don't Really Remember Much Before The Clintons And The Bushes. Those Clans Made A Lot Of Us Bugnutty.

As Much As I Disagreed With Every Second Of 'fahrenheit 9/11,' The Fact That It Is Out Made Me Jump For Joy.

You Don't Have Freedom Unless You Have The Freedom To Do Stupid Self-destructive Things.

Self Destructive

Better To Be Uneducated Than Educated By Your Government.

Bacon Is So Good By Itself That To Put It In Any Other Food Is An Admission Of Failure. You're Basically Saying, 'i Can't Make This Other Food Taste Good, So I'll Throw In Bacon.'

Every Nut Who Kills People Has A Bible Lying Around. If You're Looking For Violent Rape Imagery, The Bible's Right There In Your Hotel Room. If You Just Want To Look Up Ways To Screw People Up, There It Is, And You're Justified Because God Told You To.

The Whole World Is Pretending The Breakthrough Is In Technology. The Bottleneck Is Really In Art.

I've Never Revved My Car At A Light For An Attractive Woman Or An Auto-rival, Not Even As A Joke.

God Works In Mysterious, Inefficient, And Breathtakingly Cruel Ways

Mysterious Ways

'zolten' Is A Common Hungarian Name, It's My Wife's Maiden Name And Most Importantly, It's The Name Of Dracula's Dog.

I Like Movies That Are Scary, But I Don't Want Them To Be Dirt Dumb. I Want A Movie That Gets My Blood Racing, Makes Me Laugh, But Also Gives Me Something To Think About, With Maybe A Little Sexy Thrown In. Hollywood Doesn't Make Movies Like That.

I, My Own Damn Self, Am Not A Tea Party Supporter. I Disagree With Them On Social Liberties, Our Overseas Wars, Obama's Birthplace, Sarah Palin, And The Conspicuous Absence Of Tea At Their Rallies.

If Entertainment Ran Grocery Stores, We'd Never Get Oil Cured Olives Or Blue Cheese, It Would Be Just Coke.

Trey Parker Did 'book Of Mormon.' It's The Best Broadway Show I've Ever Seen. He Does 'south Park.' It's Wonderful.

When I Was A Kid, Politicians Wanted To Avoid Talking About Religion If They Could. John F. Kennedy Couldn't Duck The Issue, Being Catholic And All. So How Did He Address It? By Reminding Americans That Religion Shouldn't Be An Issue, That He Was Concentrating On Big Things Like Poverty And Hunger And Leading The Space Race.

I Live In Vegas, And I See People By The Side Of The Road With Cardboard Signs Who Seem Like They Might Have Tried That Spending Their Way Out Of Debt Thing.

That's The Beauty Of The Web: You Can Roll Around In A Stranger's Obsession Without Having To Smell His Or Her House. You Can Amscray Whenever You Want Without Being Rude. The Site Gets Its "hit" And You Know More About Our Species' Diversity.

One Of The Strongest Feelings You Can Get In Life--one Of The Most Rewarding Feelings--is The Feeling Of An "aha, I Finally Understand."

If There's Something You Really Want To Believe, That's What You Should Question The Most.

When You're Watching Psycho, There' S That Moment When You Have A Visceral Reaction To Watching Someone Being Stabbed. And Then You Have The Intellectual Revelation That You're Not, And That's Where The Celebration Comes In.

The Most Important Part Of Life Is Work, It's The Flow, It's Getting Stuff Done, Feeling Like You're Doing Something.

My Tolerance For Crazy People Is, I Think, High A Tolerance As You're Ever Going To Find. I Love Being Around David Allen Coe. I Would Have Loved To Hang Out With Tiny Tim. I Can Listen To Sun Ra On A Tape-recording Rant.

I Had E-mail In 1984! I Had An E-mail Address Then, Which Means That All You Could Write To Was Steve Jobs And Bill Gates. There Were Three Of Us, Writing To Each Other.

Comedy Is Taken Care Of By A Free Market.

It Is Really Funny To See People That You Know Acting Unpleasantly Just Because There Are Tv Cameras On.

Building A Professional Relationship On Respect As Opposed To Affection Is A Very Good Idea. Running Your Art Projects The Way You'd Run A Dry-cleaning Business Is Also A Really Good Idea. You Shouldn't Go Into Work Like You're Going On A Date, Like You're Hanging Out With Friends.

Part Of The Experience Of Being Entertained Is Sitting Back And Plugging Into Someone Else's Vision.

There Never Was A God. 'god Is Dead' Is A Halfway Measure I Won't Go With.

Much Better Than The Feeling Of Having Things Is The Feeling Of Having Earned Things.

If You Like The Stuff I Do, My Chances Of Liking You Go Up.

I'm A Big Fan Of Huge Populations Of People, So You'd Think With 300 Million People In The Country, You Don't Even Have To Please 1% To Be Phenomenally Successful.

I Get Along So Much Better With Fundamentalist Christians Than I Do With Wishy-washy Liberals, Who Want Everyone To Get Along.

I'm Always Surprised When The Corporate World Does Stupid Things, Because They're Often Not Very Stupid In Hindsight.

'psycho' Is Fascinating Philosophically, Because The Point Of 'psycho' Is That Everything That's Bad Happens Because Of Love.

I'm Not Greedy. I Have Love, Blue Skies, Rainbows And Hallmark Cards And That Has To Be Enough. It Has To Be Enough, But It's Everything In The World And Everything In The World Is Plenty For Me. It Seems Just Rude To Beg The Invisible For More.

I Will Not Counter The Insanity Of The Patriot Act With An Overblown Fear Of My Rights Being Taken Away.

I Have No Evidence That Libertarianism Leads To A Better Life. I Just Think It Is Morally Right.

Penn & Teller Stopped Doing Practical Jokes, And The Reason Is We Got Much Too Good At It.

I Think That I Am Willing To Risk My Life In Order To Have More Freedom.

That Whole 99% Thing, They Are All In The 1% Of The World. Every One Of Them Pays A Cellphone Bill That Is The Yearly Income For A Family In Much Of The Rest Of The World.

I Love The Feeling Of Shredded Wheat. I Love Healthy Bird Food With A Fun-to-eat Feel. Then You Spray Them With Sugar, And I'm There.

To Drive A Car In Rural America Is Freedom. Before I Had A Car, I'd Never Seen A Rock And Roll Show, I'd Never Seen A Comic Or A Show.

I Like To Read In The Dark. I Like To Go Into The Bathtub, Turn Out All The Lights, And In The Dark, Read My Books.

Bob Barr Is Not Crazy Enough For My Taste.

Behaving Morally Because Of A Hope Of Reward Or A Fear Of Punishment Is Not Morality.

Whereas You Have Someone Like Houdini, Who Works Really, Really Hard To Get Really, Really Famous, And Then Has Actual Intellectual Ideas That He Puts Into The Culture That Stay There.

Two Things Have Always Been True About Human Beings. One, The World Is Always Getting Better. Two, The People Living At That Time Think It's Getting Worse.

The End Never Justifies The Means Because There Is No End; There Are Only Means.

I Intend To Do The Penn & Teller Show Until They Pry My Cheesy Magic Wand From My Cold Dead Fingers.

Asking Someone Else To Do Something Immoral Is Immoral.

I Was About 12 When I Heard My First Lenny Bruce Record. He Was Already Dead. But It Changed My Life And Really Did Change The World.

The Fact Is That Violence Gives You A Rush.

I'm Always Fascinated By The Use Of The First-person Plural Talking About Sports.

All David Blaine Is Is A Good-looking Magician.

People Like Bill Maher, Who Brags About Being A Cynic, It Sickens Me. I Am The Least Cynical Person I Know, And I Am Very, Very Skeptical.

Believing There's No God Stops Me From Being Solipsistic. I Can Read Ideas From All Different People From All Different Cultures. Without God, We Can Agree On Reality, And I Can Keep Learning Where I'm Wrong. We Can All Keep Adjusting, So We Can Really Communicate.

For The Most Part, Any Serious Magic Show Is Not Using Very Much Technology Newer Than Theatrical Lights.

The Only Difference Between Obama And Bush Is That Obama Is Killing More People. He’s About Double The Numbers Now. Can You Imagine If Mccain Had Won And Did Precisely What Obama Has Done, With Every Speech And Every Political Maneuver Overseas? There’d Be Riots In The Streets About The People We’re Killing. And Yet Because It’s Obama, And He’s Better Looking And Better At Reading The Teleprompter, We Let Him Get Away With It.

You Have To Be Careful As A Libertarian Because You Can Sound Very Republican.

I Believe That The Best Way To Become An Atheist Is To Read The Bible

Bob Saget Is The Dirtiest Comic Who's Ever Lived. Nobody Touches Him.

Before You Can Read, You Know The Difference Between A Story And Reality. And, Of Course, By The Time You're Old Enough To Do Any Real Damage With An Uzi, You've Learned That Difference.

Make Deals With People, Not Paper.

Everybody Wants Clean, Safe Energy. Some People Think Nuclear Is The Way To Go. Some People Think Coal Is The Way To Go. Some People Think Wind Is The Way To Go. And There's Always Balances On That.

I Don't Want Anyone As President Who Promises To Take Care Of Me. I May Be Stupid, But I Want A Chance To Try To Be A Grown-up And Take Care Of My Family.

Computers Absolutely Changed My Life. Before I Had A Computer, I Had Never Written One Thing. Not One Thing. I'm A Very Bad Speller And I Was Embarrassed By That. When I Would Type, The Little Mistakes Would Make Me Nutty, And I Would Never Edit Anything.

I Have A Very Specific Definition Of Censorship. Censorship Must Be Done By The Government Or It's Not Censorship.

Tv Networks Are Dying. The Death Throes Of Religion Give Us Jihads. The Death Throes Of Television Give Us Reality Shows.

If You Spend A Lot Of Time Lying To People, You Think A Lot About What The Truth Means.

There Are Two Things That Have Been True Throughout History In Big Hunks. You Can Find Differences In Ten Years, But In 50 Year Hunks, 100 Years Hunks, You'll Find Two Things To Be True. One, The World Is Always Getting Better. Two, People Always Think It's Getting Worse.

If The Bible Were Published As Fiction, No Reviewer Would Give It A Passing Grade. There Are Some Vivid Scenes And Quotable Phrases But There's No Plot, No Structure, A Tremendous Amount Of Filler And The Characters Are Painfully One Dimensional. Whatever You Do, Don't Read The Bible For A Moral Code. It Advocates Prejudice, Cruelty, Superstition And Murder. Read It Because We Need More Atheists.

We Aren't People Who Believe That Just Because We're Performers Our Opinions On Everything Need To Be Known.

'christian' Used To Be A Throwaway Word. People Didn't Used To Use It Much. People Didn't Start Self-labeling Or Getting Labeled Christian Until The Last Part Of The 20th Century. Before That, You Might Identify As A Baptist, Or A Southern Baptist Or A Methodist. But There Wasn't One Identifier That Put You In A Fold With All The Other Believers.

If I Had To Imagine Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent Power In The Universe That Chose To Make My Mother Suffer, I Don't Know How I Would Make That Make Sense In The Universe.

But It's Much More Exciting To Make Die Hard. One Of The Reasons That I Think That Movie Is So Successful Is It Deals With Those Very Important Blue-collar Relationship Themes. But It's More Visually Beautiful To Show Things Blowing Up. It Just Gives You More On The Screen.

Believing There Is No God Means The Suffering I've Seen In My Family And Indeed All The Suffering In The World Isn't Caused By Any Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent Force That Isn't Bothered To Help Or Is Just Testing Us, But Rather Something We All May Be Able To Help Others With In The Future. No God Means The Possibility Of Less Suffering In The Future.

If You Can Just Convince The Dope People That The Gun People Are Right And The Gun People That The Dope People Are Right, We Could Actually Live In A Lot More Freedom.

A Joke Is A Way To Say, 'i'm Going To Do Something Funny Now. If I Don't Get A Laugh At The End, I'm A Failure.'

'celebrity Apprentice' Has More Integrity And Is The Most Straightforward Show I've Ever Seen.

Straightforward

We Are Only Here For A Little While, And Our Bodies Belong To Ourselves And No One Else.

Someone Who Is A Good Person Should Have No Fear Of The Government Whatsoever.

Luck Is Statistics Taken Personally.

Only Atheists Have Morals, The Religious Have Reward And Punishment. That's Not Morality, That's Sucking Up.

How I Was Brought Up And My Imaginary Friend Means More To Me Than Anything You Can Ever Say Or Do.

Imaginary Friend

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