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All Disc Jockeys Are Without Talent. Noel Edmonds - I Can't Stand Noel Edmonds.

-Paul Merton

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All Disc Jockeys Are

Paul Merton

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All Disc Jockeys Are Without Talent. Noel Edmonds - I Can't Stand Noel Edmonds.

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Have You Ever Had Sex With A Horse?

My School Days Were The Happiest Days Of My Life; Which Should Give You Some Indication Of The Misery I've Endured Over The Past Twenty-five Years.

If You Became A Comedian In The '80s, You Had To Work The Circuit And Make People Laugh. Canned Laughter Is Cheating.

I Was Trying To Organise My Dvds Into A Sort Of Chronological Order, And I Am Afraid That It All Trailed Off After The Sixties.

In Fact, I Don't Watch A Lot Of Contemporary Comedy For Fear Of Being Influenced By It.

I Don't Always Vote In General Elections, But I Think I've Always Voted Labour.

Well, Sanity, I Suppose, Is Getting People To See The World Your Way.

In 1987, I Was In Edinburgh Doing My First One-man Show. I Took Part In A Kickabout With Some Fellow Comedians And Tripped Over My Trousers And Heard This Cracking Sound In My Leg. A Couple Of Days Later I Went Into A Coma And Was Diagnosed With A Pulmonary Embolism.

I'm Always Amazed To Hear Of Air Crash Victims So Badly Mutilated That They Have To Be Identified By Their Dental Records. What I Can't Understand Is, If They Don't Know Who You Are, How Do They Know Who Your Dentist Is?

I'll Never Forget My First Experience Of Swede. It Was At School And I Thought I Was Getting Mashed Potato. I've Never Got Over It.

It Was A Bizarre Existence I Led In My Early Twenties - That Cliche Of The Comedian Who Goes Out And Entertains A Roomful Of People And Then Goes Home To A Lonely Bedsit Was Unbelievably Poignant For Me Because That Was Exactly What I Was Doing. I Had Periods Of Real Loneliness.

It Seems Like A Contradiction, But The Shy Person Who Is A Performer Actually Does Make Sense, Because In A Way, When You're Young And Shy, Making People Laugh Is A Good Way To Make Friends. It's An Instant Connection.

And Like The Old Stereotype, I Overcame My Shyness By Making My Friends Laugh.

Am I Allowed To Call Myself Working-class Now? Because Obviously I'm Now Very Rich.

I Remember Being Fascinated By The Very Nature Of Comedy From The Age Of 10; Why Is This Funny, And That Isn't?

When I Was Nine I Spent A Lot Of My Time Reading Books About The History Of Comedy, Or Listening To The Goons Or Hancock, Humour From Previous Generations.

If You Stay In A House And You Go To The Bathroom And There Is No Toilet Paper, You Can Always Slide Down The Banisters. Don't Tell Me You Haven't Done It.

When I Used To Do The Edinburgh Festival, There Was A Bunch Of Guys Selling Fresh Oysters And I'd Eat Ten Daily - Marvellous.

I Really Don't Take Any Interest At All In Contemporary Comedy.

When I Turned About 12 Or 13, I Realised That Being Funny Wasn't About Remembering Jokes. It Was About Creating Them.

At One Point In The Mid-eighties I Shared A Promoter With The Smiths. One Night, We Were Sitting Backstage When Morrissey Burst In, Utterly Distraught, Sobbing His Heart Out. Turns Out Someone Had Thrown A Sausage At Him On Stage During 'meat Is Murder.'

I Think Having An Outsider's Viewpoint Is Interesting And Good, Especially For A Comedian.

I've Never Been Disappointed By Politicians. I've Never Invested That Much In Them In The First Place.

I Have Never Sold My Story, Done Hello! Magazine, Any Of That Stuff. I'm Not Guilty Of Exploiting My Private Life For Cash And Then Saying, 'oh, I Don't Want To Talk About My Private Life.' I've Never Crossed That Line.

I Don't Consider Myself A Fashion Victim. I Consider Fashion A Victim Of Me.

When I Wake Up On A Monday Morning And I Realise I Don't Have To Go And Work At The Civil Service, I Really Think I've Won.

My Favourite Riposte To A Heckle Is To Say, 'excuse Me, I'm Trying To Work Here. How Would You Like It If I Stood Yelling Down The Alley While You're Giving Blow Jobs To Transsexuals?'

I Looked At Longevity In Show Business When I Was About 13, And The People Who Seemed To Have Longevity Were The Ones Who'd Spent Quite A Bit Of Time Learning About What They Were Doing Before They Made It.

On My First Day In New York A Guy Asked Me If I Knew Where Central Park Was. When I Told Him I Didn't, He Said: Do You Mind If I Mug You Here?

All Disc Jockeys Are Without Talent. Noel Edmonds - I Can't Stand Noel Edmonds.

The Thing About Improvisation Is That It's Not About What You Say. It's Listening To What Other People Say. It's About What You Hear.

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