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I Live Way Below My Means.

-Chris Rock

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I Live Way Below

Chris Rock

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I Live Way Below My Means.

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You Know The World's Gone Mad When The Best Rapper Is A White Guy, The Best Golfer Is A Black Guy, The Swiss Hold The America's Cup, France Is Accusing The Usa Of Arrogance And The Germans Don't Want To Go To War !

School Shootings Were Invented By Blacks... And Stolen By The White Man.

Not A Harvard-type Education, Just A Not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type Education.

People Say, 'why Is He Bored With Her?' Because He's A Human Being, That's Why; Same Way His Wife Is Bored With Him. That Is Marriage - Anything That's Supposed To Be Forever, Your Going To Get Bored With It. And There Is Nothing Wrong With It, So Don't Take It Personal; If You Are With Somebody For Ten Years And They Are Not Bored With You? Then Something Is Wrong With Them.

Community College Is Like A Disco With Books: "here's Ten Dollars; Let Me Get My Learn On!"

Smart Is Knowing If You're Dumb. Knowing When To Shut Up And To Listen To People That Are Smarter Than You.

The Thing That Surprised Me The Most Is Just How Much Money Women That Weren't Rich Were Paying For Their Hair. When You're In A Beauty Parlor In Harlem Next To Abandoned Buildings And Somebody's Paying Five Grand For A Weave, That's A Bit Much. I Think This Is, In A Weird Way, Part Of The Health Care Debate. It's Like, Hmm, There's People With $2000 Weaves That Could Have Bought Health Care With That Weave Money.

Are We So Desperate For Entertainment That We Will Fall For A Trickless Magician?? Saw A Woman In Half. Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat. Do Something! What Tricks Does This Guy Have? "i'm In A Box...and I Ain't Gonna Eat.". "i'm In A Box... And I Ain't Gonna Eat!!" That Ain't No Trick! That's Called Living In The Projects!

Black People Dominate Sports In The United States. 20% Of The Population And 90% Of The Final Four.

I Do What I Can Do When I Can Do It.

Yeah, It's Unfair That You Can Get Judged By Something You Didn't Do, But It's Also Unfair That You Can Inherit Money That You Didn't Work For.

I'm Old Enough To Remember When There Were No Black Quarterbacks - There Were No Blacks On Tv. I Hope My Son Or Daughter Doesn't Have To Be As Fixated On Race As I Am, Because He Or She Will Grow Up In Freer Times.

I Hate When People Go On Tv And Tell You How Hard It Is To Do Animation. No, No, No. Ups Is Hard Work. I’ve Done Some Animation And Here's How Easy It Is. The Easiest Job In The World. I Go In A Booth And I Go, What’s The Line? And The Guy Goes, It’s Time To Go To The Store. And Then I Go, It’s Time To Go To The Store. And Then They Gave Me $1 Million.

I Was At Michael Jackson's House, And This Kid Runs Out, 'wait, Save Me!'

People Are Always Going To, You Know, Find Something Wrong With People Who Are Not The Exact Same As Them. That's Just What It Is. Black, White, Short, Tall, Religions, Whatever. People Are Bad.

You Don't Need A Critic To Tell You People Aren't Laughing.

A Black Christian Is Like A Black Person With No Memory.

My Relationship With My Daughter Is Gonna Affect Her Relationship With Men For The Rest Of Her Life... Sometimes I'm Walking With My Daughter. I'm Pushing Her In The Stroller, And Sometimes I Just Pick Her Up And Stare At Her, And I Realize, My Only Job In Life Is To Keep Her Off The Pole.

I Was Raised To Believe That You Had To Do Things Better Than White People In Order To Succeed. The Old Black Shows Were Better Than The White Shows. "the Jeffersons" (1975) Was A Lot Better. "good Times" (1974) Was Way Funnier. "sanford And Son" (1972). Now, Though, Everyone Thinks We're Equal, So We Submit The Same Shit That Everyone Else Submits. And Then We Get Mad When They Won't Air It. You Got To Go Back To The Old Attitude Of It Has To Be Twice As Good.

My Dad Worked Every Day. I Didn't Get Into Show Business To Work Every Day. So The Fact That Most Days I Get To Like, Spend Really Good Time With My Kids - That's What Success Is To Me.

It's My Real Name. My Mother's Name Is Rose Rock. It Was The Worst Name As A Kid To Have. They Called Me Piece Of The Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, And Flintstones. Now They Call Me Mister Rock.

I Took My Alds Test. You Start Reflecting... You Start Thinking About Every Nasty, Skank-ass... It's Like The Movie Scrooge, And The Ghost Of Pussy Past Comes.

I Don't Need A President With A Bucket List!

It's Easier To Get On Show Business, The Hard Part Is To Maintain. Nobody Stays Famous Forever.

I Say Everything's About Company. A Gourmet Meal With An Asshole Is A Horrible Meal. A Hot Dog With An Interesting Person Is An Amazing Meal.

I'm Never Proper Or Careful, But I Never Curse In Front Of My Mother, Either.

I Got Love From My Family. I Don't Really Need Love From A Paper, You Know What I Mean? I Can't Get Too Happy Because Somebody Said Something Nice About Me. I Appreciate It, But Let's Not Get It Twisted - This Is Not Changing My Life.

Whatever Your Woman Is Into, You Better Be Into. Whatever Your Man Is Into, You Better Be N2. Your Partner Into Church, You Better Be Into Church. Your Man Or Woman A Crack Head, You Better Be A Crack Head ... Otherwise It Just Won't Work.

Gun Control? We Need Bullet Control! I Think Every Bullet Should Cost 5,000 Dollars. Because If A Bullet Cost Five Thousand Dollar, We Wouldn't Have Any Innocent Bystanders.

People Are The Same Wherever You Go. And If They Weren't, They Wouldn't Laugh At The Same S**t.

When You Make Drama You Are Like Picasso. Drama Is Whatever You Want It To Be.

A Lot Of Racism Going On In The World Right Now. Who's More Racist? Black People Or White People? Black People. You Know Why? 'cuz We Hate Black People Too! Everything White People Don't Like About Black People, Black People Really Don't Like About Black People.

I Was Bused To A School In Gerritsen Beach In Brooklyn In 1972. I Was One Of The First Black Kids In The History Of The School.

Funny Is Only Something That Others Know About You - You Can't Be Funny By Yourself.

I Can See The Humor In Just About Any Situation. After I Lost My Dad, I Realized That None Of Us Should Take Things Too Seriously, Because Everything Except Death Works Itself Out.

If You Properly Clean A Room, It Gets Dirtier Before It Gets Cleaner.

You Know, Some People Say Life Is Short And That You Could Get Hit By A Bus At Any Moment And That You Have To Live Each Day Like It's Your Last. Bullshit. Life Is Long. You're Probably Not Gonna Get Hit By A Bus. And You're Gonna Have To Live With The Choices You Make For The Next Fifty Years.

Cherish Every Moment

You Can Only Offend Me If You Mean Something To Me.

You Don't Pay Taxes; They Take Them From Your Check. That's Not A Payment - That's A 'jack.

I Never Watched The Oscars. Come On, It's A Fashion Show . . . What Straight Black Man Sits There And Watches The Oscars? Show Me One. And They Don't Recognize Comedy, And You Don't See A Lot Of Black People Nominated, So Why Should I Watch It?

The Material Comes From Whenever You Realize That You And Someone Else Have Something In Common. So Any Conversation You've Had More Than Once, Anything You See Happening To You That You See Happening To A Friend, You Go, Hmmm, That's A Situation I Can Make Funny.

I've Been Married For 10 Years And, You Know, It's Hard, You Spruce It Up And You Go Places. How Do You Spruce Up Anything? Artificially. You Go Places And Do Things.

If You Live With A Single Parent, You Don't See Compromise. You Witness A Grown Person Living In A World Where They Do What They Want To Do. When You Are Raised By Two Parents, You Are Constantly Watching Compromise Take Place. Just By Observing That, It Made Me A Better Person.

The Two Best Things You Can Do For A Person Is Have Sex Or Make Them Laugh.

The Only Reaction That Frightens Me Is People Not Laughing. It's Extraordinary To Me When You Get A Laugh. That You Can Go In Front Of A Bunch Of People You Never Met Before, You Can Say Some Stuff And They All Laugh In Unison - That's Amazing. It's A Miracle.

I Met So Many People After I Got Rich And Famous, And I Learned That You Can't Ultimately Trust People Unless They Were Your Friends When You Were Broke.

There's Not One Reference In That Thing That Doesn't Play. People Deal With Emotions In Music All The Time, But Comedians Are Always Talking About What They See. But We Seldom Talk About What We Feel.

Oprah Is Rich, Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out A Fuckin' Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, "i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!"

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

By The Time I Was 7 Or 8, I Wanted To Be A Comedy Writer.

You Can Write A Great Country Record And Still Be Angry. Who's Angrier Than Toby Keith? He's Angrier Than The Average 10 Rappers.

Women Can Have All The Evidence But They Still Want The Confession.

Learn How To Cook. Read Books That Will Educate You. Get An Education. Get A Career. And Support Yourself. And Live In A Section Of Town That Isn't Conducive To Violence.

Every Man Has To Settle Down Eventually. You Know Why You Gotta Settle Down Eventually? Because You Don't Want To Be The Old Guy In The Club. You Know What I'm Talking About. Every Club You Go Into, There's Always Some Old Guy. He Ain't Really Old, Just A Little Too Old To Be In The Club.

Don't Argue! You Cannot Win, You Cannot Beat A Woman In A Arguement. It's Impossble You Will Not Win. Cause Men, We Are Handicapped When It Comes To Arguing Cause We Have A Need To Make Sense

Comedy Is The Blues For People Who Can’t Sing.

My Goal In Life Was To Host The Mtv Awards, Because It's The Awards Show That Prince Sang On, And That Was The Awards Show That Eddie Murphy Hosted And Arsenio Hosted.

Charlie Brown Is The One Person I Identify With. C.b. Is Such A Loser. He Wasn't Even The Star Of His Own Halloween Special.

The Thing About Having An Audience Right There Laughing Is That Critics Can Write What They Want, But The Proof Is Right There In Front Of You.

When You're White, The Sky's The Limit. When You're Black, The Limit's The Sky.

If You See A Black Woman With An Overweight White Man, You Know She Got Effed Up Credit!

I Love Having Somebody There - That Companion Thing. You Know Who You're Going To Eat With, Who You're Going To See A Movie With.

Carol Leifer Is Funny, Really Funny.

I'm Pretty Good At Getting Over People Throwing Stuff At Me. If You've Been Doing Stand Up Long Enough You Know How To Swing Back And Get The Laughs.

George Bush Hates Midgets.

So There's A Cloud Of Rage Around Me, But Being An Artist Kind Of Changes That. No Matter What You Thought Coming In, What Ignorant Thing You Believed, You're In Show Business For Two Years, You're Like, "ok, I Was Wrong." It's Hard To Be Mad At Any Particular Group Of People When You're An Artist.

No Matter What Happens Or How Difficult Things Become, You Will Eventually Feel Better.

Standup Comedians Are Attracted To One Another Because Of Their Faults. So We're All Kind Of Messed Up In The Same Way, And Once I Was Around A Group Of People That Saw The World In A Different Way, It's Like This Is Where I Need To Be.

I Can't Cook, But I Have A Nice Book Of Menus... And I Can Plate And Set The Table.

Success Is Just Hanging Out With My Kids. I Mean, I Always Say If You Have Options, You're Rich. To Me, Success Is The Fact That Hey, I Just Did A Movie And Maybe I'll Do Some Stand Up, Maybe I'll Will Write A Book Or Maybe I Will Do A Play.

A Black Man Will Be Elected President Of The United States. I'm Sorry, That's In The Year 10,000.

My Kids Don't Have A Trust Fund, They Have A Debt Fund. Oh My God, They're $4 Million In The Hole.

Daddy Pays For The Water, Daddy Pays For The Gas, Daddy Pays For The Electricity, And If Daddy Didn't Pay For The Electricity, He'd Pay For The Candle On Your Nightstand, So You Can Study For The Big Test Tomorrow.

You Can Never Make A Woman Happy, It's Impossible. I've Never Met A Happy Woman In My Life. They're Always Complaining About Something.

Before I Was A Comedian, I Thought The Coolest Thing That Would Happen To Me Was Being A Teenager... Boy, Was I Wrong!

Unlike Flying Or Astral Projection, Walking Through Walls Is An Earthbound Pursuit.

I Always Say About My Daughters, They Save Me From My Miserable Self. They Take Me Out, You Know, A Comedian, You Could Live In Your Head A Lot. And You're Writing And You're Doubting. But When I'm With My Kids And My Family, It's All About Them.

Being A Comedian Is A Lot Like Being An Athlete. If You're Carl Lewis And You're The Fastest, Then No Matter What You're The Fastest.

After I Left High School And Got My Ged, I Studied Broadcast Journalism For A Year At A Community College.

I Live Way Below My Means.

Though Part Of Me Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Another Part Of Me Had Always Wanted To Be Bryant Gumbel Or Dan Rather.

Most People Don't Realize This, But You Can Eat Organic, All Natural, Gluten-free Food Without Telling Everyone Around You.

Comedy Is A Group Activity, A Verbal Orgy.

I Have Four Jackets, Five Pants, Whatever, That Are All The Same. If You See U2 In Concert, They Wear The Same Thing Every Night. They Just Got A Bunch Of Them. Albert Einstein Used To Wear Brown Suits Every Day. Why Waste Brainpower On Something That Is Trivial?

Now That I Have Children, I Realize Taking Care Of My Children Is More Fun Than Anything In The Whole World.

I'm Looking Forward To Not Being Tired Around My Child. My Father Was Tired A Lot. I Want To Play Ball With My Child Without Having To Grab My Shoulder Because I'm Not Physically Fit. And I Want To Really Teach My Child And Become His Or Her Friend.

I Literally Don't Know What I'm Going To Do Next. That's Successful.

You Cannot Win In A Fight Against Women, Cause Men Have A Need To Make Sense

All People Naturally Hate. My Kid Bites People Now. I Didn't Teach My Kid To Bite Anybody. Kids Say Mean Stuff. Only Through Love Do We Get This Evil Out Of Them. Only Through Love And Structure And Discipline Do They Not Hate. The Kids That Hate Didn't Learn Anything, That's The Problem.

Oprah Is Rich; Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out Of A Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, 'i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!'

Just To Be Clear, Ray Rice Was Not Fired For Beating His Wife. He Was Fired Because A Video Of Him Beating His Wife Was Released.

The Government Doesn't Want You To Use Your Drugs, They Want You To Use Their Drugs.

If You're The President You Only Have Two Jobs: Peace And Money.

I Had Always Been - Everybody Kind Of Likes Comedy. I Was Very Interested In Comedy, Beyond Just Liking It. I Had Friends That Took Apart Radios; I Wanted To Take Apart Jokes.

Music Is The Soundtrack To The Crappy Movie That Is My Life.

If You're Black, You Got To Look At America A Little Bit Different. You Got To Look At America Like The Uncle Who Paid For You To Go To College, But Who Molested You.

Happy White Peoples Independence Day The Slaves Weren't Free But I'm Sure They Enjoyed Fireworks.

The Key To Staying Together Is Making Sure You Guys Like Each Other And Need Each Other.

Here's The Thing. When We Talk About Race Relations In America Or Racial Progress, It's All Nonsense. There Are No Race Relations. White People Were Crazy. Now They're Not As Crazy. To Say That Black People Have Made Progress Would Be To Say They Deserve What Happened To Them Before.

You Won’t Be Able To Take Your Eyes Off The Next Four Presenters: Salma Hayek And Penelope Cruz.

My Movies Are Okay, But They're Not My Specials.

So, To Say Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He’s The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That’s Not Black Progress. That’s White Progress. There’s Been Black People Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. The Question Is, You Know, My Kids Are Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Children. There Have Been Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Black Children For Hundreds Of Years. The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.

I Think It's Better To Have Ideas.

When I Do Something Good, The Audience Lets Me Know Immediately. They Laugh. That's It.

There's A Difference Between Racism And "i Don't Know Any Better. I'm Clueless." Racism Is Like, "i'm Trying To Make You Feel Bad." That's Racism.

If Poor People Knew How Rich Rich People Are, There Would Be Riots In The Streets.

Never Go To Clubs With Metal Detectors. Sure It Feels Safe Inside. But What About All Those Niggas Waiting Outside With Guns? They Know You Ain't Got One.

I'm A Rap Comedian The Same Way Bill Cosby Is A Jazz Comedian, Cosby's Laid Back. I'm Like, Bang, Bang Bang, Right Into It.

Comedians Are The One Who Have To Tell The Emperor He Has No Clothes On.

I Know What You're Thinking: Why Is Chris Rock Bagging Groceries? But I Dropped Out Of High School In The Tenth Grade, So If I Couldn't Tell Jokes This Is Exactly What I'd Be Doing.

When You're Doing A Big-budget Movie And You're Four On The Call Sheet, You've Got A Lot Of Free Time.

When I Hear People Talk About Juggling Or The Sacrifices They Make For Their Children, I Look At Them Like They're Crazy Because Sacrifice Infers That There Was Something Better To Do Than The Thing - Than Being With Your Children.

So, To Say Barack Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He's The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That's Not Black Progress. That's White Progress.

Only Black People In The Whole Neighborhood, So Let's Break It Down: Me, I'm A Decent Comedian, I'm A'ight. Mary J. Blige, One Of The Greatest R&b Singers To Ever Walk The Earth. Jay-z, One Of The Greatest Rappers To Ever Live. Eddie Murphy, One Of The Funniest Actors To Ever, Ever Do It. Do You Know What The White Man That Lives Next Door To Me Does For A Living? He's A F*****g Dentist.

Pretty Girls Have Problems Too.

You Know Those Guys That Go To The Strip Club At The Daytime? If You're At A Strip Club, And The Sun Is Out, You Got Some Problems!

Stand-up Is The Only Career Like That Where Once You Get Really Big At It, People Kind Of Encourage You Not To Do It.

Shaq Is Rich. The White Man Who Signs His Check... Is Wealthy. "ah, Here You Go, Shaq. Go Buy Yourself A Bouncing Car. Bling, Bling!"

I Like The Tradition Of The Oscars. I Like That Some Of The Greatest Comedians Ever Have Hosted The Show.

I Used To Have Horrible Cars That Would Always End Up Broken Down On The Highway. When I Tried To Flag Someone Down, Nobody Stopped. But If I Pushed My Own Car, Other Drivers Would Get Out And Push With Me. If You Want Help, Help Yourself - People Like To See That.

The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.

If You’re A Black Christian, You Have A Real Short Memory.

I Get Approached To Do Shows All The Time. There's A Lot Of Money In Sitcoms, But I've Never Been The Kind Of Guy Who Wanted To Do One. I Don't Think People Want To See Me Saying "honey, I'm Home." It's Just Not My Thing.

Here's What I Knew About Doing A Play: I Knew It Would Make Me A Better Actor.

You Can't Think The Thoughts You Want To Think If You Think You're Being Watched.

Do You Know What The Good Side Of Crack Is? If You're Up At The Right Hour, You Can Get A Vcr For $1.50. You Can Furnish Your Whole House For $10.95.

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep. And When I See The Tea Party And All This Stuff, It Actually Feels Like Racism’s Almost Over. Because This Is The Last - This Is The Act Up Before The Sleep. They’re Going Crazy. They’re Insane. You Want To Get Rid Of Them - And The Next Thing You Know, They’re Fucking Knocked Out. And That’s What’s Going On In The Country Right Now.

Eddie Murphy Is To Comedians What Nicki Minaj Is To Spanx.

Anything You Can Suck At Should Make You Nervous.

I Don't Get High, But Sometimes I Wish I Did. That Way, When I Messed Up In Life I Would Have An Excuse. But Right Now There's No Rehab For Stupidity.

You Know, You Get Famous And You Work In These Weird Jobs And You Don't Have A Lot In Common With People. But Once You Have Kids, You Have Everything In Common With Everybody.

When You're Making A Real Documentary, You Shoot It And The Movie Happens. You Don't Make - This Sounds Corny - You Don't Make A Documentary, A Documentary Makes You. It Really Does.

Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

Only Married People Understand You Can Be Miserable And Happy At The Same Time.

Whoever You Hate Will End Up In Your Family. You Don't Like Gays? You're Gonna Have A Gay Son. You Don't Like Puerto Ricans? Your Daughter's Gonna Come Home With Livin' La Vida Loca!

The Thing I Try To Get Across To The Writers - And I Do A Lot Of Writing, Too - Is That When I Do Stand-up, Nothing I Talk About Is Funny. Everything Is Really Sad And Tragic And Then I Make It Funny.

America Is The Greatest Country In The Whole World.

There's Math, And Everything Else Is Debatable!

God Bless America. And No Place Else.

Two Hours Of Sparkling Entertainment Spread Out Over A Four-hour Show.

Stand-up Comedy Is Like The Lowest Medium In All Of Show Business In Levels Of Respect.

Karaoke Isn't Fair When You're A Comedian. The Whole Idea Is To Get People Laughing And Enjoying Themselves, And I'm A Professional Funny Guy.

I Think If I Were To Get As Big As I Could Get, It Does Change Your Mind-state. I Think Like The Little Man. I Think Like The Underdog. I Don't Want To Change That.

No Matter What Kind Of Backgrounds Two Men Are From, If You Go, 'hey, Man, Women Are Crazy,' You've Got A Friend.

I Don't Think My Comedy Is That Political. It's More Social. But Whatever. When You Make Comedy And You Do Stand-up, You Work Alone. Movies Have To Go Under So Much Scrutiny. A Stand-up Special Is A Vision, And A Movie Is A Consensus In A Lot Of Ways.

Gas Is Getting So Expensive I'm Gonna Ride A Mexican To Work.

Men Do Not Settle Down. Men Surrender.

In The World Of Animation, You Can Be Anything You Wanna Be. If You're A Fat Woman, You Can Play A Skinny Princess. If You're Short Wimpy Guy, You Can Play A Tall Gladiator. If You're A White Man, You Can Play An Arabian Prince. And If You're A Black Man, You Can Play A Donkey Or A Zebra.

Men Lie The Most, Women Tell The Biggest Lies.

Who's Judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul Judging A Singing Contest Is Like Christopher Reeve Judging A Dance Contest!

Black History Month Is In The Shortest Month Of The Year, And The Coldest-just In Case We Want To Have A Parade

I Think It’s Better To Have Ideas. You Can Change An Idea; Changing A Belief Is Trickier.

I Never Really Write The Jokes. I Just Sit Down Over A Week Or Two And Try To Figure Out What I Want To Talk About. Once I Narrow That Down, Then I Start Working On The Material, Like "how Do I Make This Stuff Funny?"

Is America Ready For A Black President? Well, I Say We Just Had A Retarded One. When Did Being Black Become A Bigger Deterrent Than Being Retarded?

I'm In Show Business... I Want To Hang Out With Janet Jackson, Not Jesse Jackson.

See... Relationships Are Hard, Man. For Order, For Any Relationship To Work, Both People Have To Be On The Same Page, Both People Have To Have The Same Focus, And We All Know What That Page Is. We All Know What That Focus Is. In Order For The Relationship To Work Both People Have To Have The Same Focus, And What's That Focus? That Focus Is All About Her! It's All About Her!

I Like Talking About Subjects That Aren't Funny In The First Place And Making Them Funny. So Anything Down And Depressing Is Something I'll Talk About.

When You've Been On A Ghetto Diet Your Entire Life, You're Just Happy To Get A Large Soda Instead Of A Medium.

I Always Say There's No More Little Girls, Just Boys With Breasts. Girls Act Like Boys Nowadays. Teenage Girls, They Go After Boys. They're Predatory Just Like Boys. My Goal Is To Keep My Girls, Girls.

Yeah, I Love Being Famous. It's Almost Like Being White, Y'know?

The Government Hates Rap. That's Why They Don't Arrest Anybody That Kills Rappers! Only The Good Ones Are Dead, Man! Only The Good Ones: Biggie Dead, Tupac Dead, Vanilla Ice Still Alive! They Don't Fill Out A Police Report. They Don't Even Have A Chalk Line When It's A Dead Rapper, They Just Take A Piss Around The Body.

You Don’t Need No Gun Control, You Know What You Need? We Need Some Bullet Control. Men, We Need To Control The Bullets, That’s Right. I Think All Bullets Should Cost Five Thousand Dollars… Five Thousand Dollars Per Bullet… You Know Why? Cause If A Bullet Cost Five Thousand Dollars There Would Be No More Innocent Bystanders.

I've Seen Women Who Don't Have Great Relationships With Their Dads, And It All Comes Down To This: You Have To Tell Girls You Love Them Every Day.

Great Relationship

You Can't Be Happy That Fire Cooks Your Food And Be Mad It Burns Your Fingertips.

Hollywood's Just Not Funny.

Hollywood's Racist. Hollywood Is Sorority Racist. It's Like - We Like You, Rhonda, But You're Not A Kappa.

Stop The Violence! Can't We All Just Get Along?

When You Meet Somebody For The First Time, You're Not Meeting Them. You're Meeting Their Representative.

I Am Just Here To Support The President Of The United States. President Of The United States Is Our Boss, But He Is Also... You Know, The President And The First Lady Are Kinda Like The Mom And The Dad Of The Country. And When Your Dad Says Something You Listen, And When You Don't It Will Usually Bite You On The Ass Later On. So, I'm Here To Support The President.

I'm Like The Hulk On Stage. It's Way Over The Top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I Get Off Stage And Go What Did I Say?! I'll Watch One Of My Stand-up Specials A Year Later And Go Eww, That Was Mean.

Black Comics, They Only Watch Black Comedians. You're A Comedian; You're Not Just A Black Comedian. You're A Comedian. I Try To Get That Through To Everybody.

My Goals Were Small. My Goal Was To Become A Big Enough Stand-up That I Wouldn't Have To Do Radio. I Could Sell Out A Club, Which Is Like 300 Seats. If I Got Big Enough, I Could Sell Before I Got There, And I Wouldn't Have To Get Up At 6 In The Morning To Do Radio. That Was Pretty Much The Dream. I Had No Idea I'd Be Playing Madison Square Garden Or Anything.

We Were So Poor My Daddy Unplugged The Clocks When We Went To Bed.

So If You're Black Or Brown, You Can Make Money In America, You Can Get Rich In America... But Whatever You Decide To Do, It Better Be Positive, 'cause If One Person Is Harmed, You Will Be Destroyed. You See Oprah, She Just Be Giving Away Money. She's Doing That To Keep The Feds Off Her Back.

I Want My Name To Be A Brand In Comedy. I Hope My Name Stands For Comedic Excellence.

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep.

When You Make Comedy, You Make It For The People And You Try To Have As Many Screenings And As Many Tests And You Do Focus Groups And You Read The Cards And You Try To Give The People What They Want In This Comedy.

I Love Seeing Black People Do Normal Things, Being Judged As Normal People.

Does Having A Wife And Kids Change Your Act? Yes, But Only In The Best Way. It Gives You Weight And Authority. It Also Makes You Closer To The Audience Because The Audience Is Married And Has Kids.

There's Bad And Then There's Eddy Curry Bad.

Men Are Only As Unfaithful As Their Options.

For The Most Part, Comedy Is The Only Fair Part Of Show Business.

You Just Got To Be Really Logical When You're A Comedian - To A Fault. Like A Lawyer's Got To Believe In The Law.

A Comedian Has To Live In His Head. All This Comedy Comes From A Lonely Place. When You're Surrounded By An Entourage, You're Not Living In Your Head.

I Just Remember That Whenever I Got Really Mad Or Passionate, Like In An Argument, People Would Laugh, And I'd Be Dead Serious. It Would Happen A Lot. So It Was Like, Gee, I've Got Something Here.

When A Musical Act Performs, The Black Audience Goes Crazy For All The Stuff, The Album Cuts, Everything. White Audiences, They're Nice And All, But They're Not Going To Lose It Until They Get The Hits. Comedy Is The Same Thing.

I'm Severely Overrated. I'm Just Above A Hack.

You Can't Fake Comedy - It's Not Like A Movie, Where A Director Can Just Cast A Pretty Face.

Actually, I Think All Addiction Starts With Soda. Every Junkie Did Soda First. But No One Counts That. Maybe They Should. The Soda Connection Is Clear. Why Isn't A Presidential Commission Looking Into This? Or At Least Some Guys From The National Carbonation Council.

They Don't Want You To Vote. If They Did, We Wouldn't Vote On A Tuesday. In November. You Ever Throw A Party On A Tuesday? No. Because Nobody Would Come.

I Think Anybody In Front Of A Crowd Is A Comedian.

Even If You Meet The Perfect Person, It Ain’t Gonna Be At The Perfect Time. You’re Married, They’re Single. That’s Right. You’re Jewish, They’re Palestinian. You’re A Mexican, They’re A Raccoon. You’re A Black Woman, He’s A Black Man.

Comedians Tend To Find A Comfort Zone And Stay There And Do Lamer Versions Of Themselves For The Rest Of Their Career.

We Got No Wealthy Black People. We Got Rich People. Shaq Is Rich. The Guy Who Signs His Checks Is Wealthy.

I Want To Really Take Chances. I Want To Be Funny In A Lot Of Different Ways. I'd Like To Be Great. I Want To Reach For Greatness.

My Mother Got Sick When I Was Rich. And My Mother, You Know … I Don’t Really Want To Get Into It, But My Mother Was Sicker Than My Father. And My Mother’s Alive. My Mother’s Fine, Ok? I Remember Going To The Hospital To See My Mother And Wondering, ‘was I In The Right Place?’ Like, This Was A Hotel. Like It Had A Concierge, Man. If The Average Person Really Knew The Discrepancy In The Health Care System, There’d Be Riots In The Streets, Ok? They Would Burn This M-therf—ker Down!

I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers.

Early In My Career It Was Very Important That I Gain The Reputation. I Haven't Been On The Road In Two Or Three Years, But When I Say Tickets Are On Sale, I Know They're Going To Be Gone, Even If My Movie Bombed Or My Tv Show Sucked.

I Hate Niggas! I Hate Em! I Wish They'd Let Me Join The Ku Klux Klan!

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Georg C. Lichtenberg

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