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When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

-George Carlin

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When You Start In

George Carlin

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When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

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And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

Religion Is Just Mind Control.

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

I Have Lots Of Ideas. Trouble Is, Most Of Them Suck.

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

The Enjoyment Has Been Diminishing. Now, There's No Question That It's Sort Of Fun To Get High.

How Come When It's Us, It's An Abortion, And When It's A Chicken, It's An Omelette? Are We So Much Better Than Chickens All Of A Sudden? When Did This Happen; That We Passed Chickens In Goodness? Name Six Ways We're Better Than Chickens. See, Nobody Can Do It! You Know Why? 'cause Chickens Are Decent People.

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

Whereas Your Blackness, Ethnicity, Homosexuality Is Something That Might Be Genetic, I Can't Touch That, And I Have No Right.

Why Do Croutons Come In Airtight Packages? It's Just Stale Bread To Begin With.

Traditional American Values: Genocide, Aggression, Conformity, Emotional Repression, Hypocrisy, And The Worship Of Comfort And Consumer Goods.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

When Something Is 'new And Improved', Which Is It? If It's New, Then There Has Never Been Anything Before It. If It's An Improvement, Then There Must Have Been Something Before It.

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

To Me The Cynics Are The Ones In The Boardrooms With The Reports From The Focus Groups.

I've Never Seen A Homeless Guy With A Bottle Of Gatorade.

The Symphony Orchestra Had Played Poorly, So The Conductor Was In A Bad Mood. That Night He Beat His Wife--because The Music Hadn't Been Beautiful Enough.

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

If The Black Box Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn’t The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff?

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

Who Decides When The Applause Should Die Down? It Seems Like It's A Group Decision; Everyone Begins To Say To Themselves At The Same Time, "well, Okay, That's Enough Of That."

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

Why Is It Called 'after Dark' When It Really Is 'after Light'?

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

I Don't Have Hobbies; Hobbies Cost Money. Interests Are Quite Free.

If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

When It Comes To Bullshit, You Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims: Religion... Religion Easily Has The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told. Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky Who Watches Everything You Do.

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

Tell People An Invisible Man In The Sky Created All Things, They Believe You. Tell Them What You've Painted Is Wet, They Have To Touch It To Believe.

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

O. J. Simpson Has Already Received The Ultimate Punishment: For The Rest Of His Life He Has To Associate With Golfers.

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

The Status Quo Sucks.

You Live Eighty Years, And At Best You Get About Six Minutes Of Pure Magic.

Primitive Societies, Or Social Groupings, Had Shamans, And Some Of Them Even More Recent In Time. Shamans Were Tricksters. There Was A Tradition Of The Trickster, And The Trickster Was A Clown, A Humorous Fellow. His Task Was To Trick The Gods, To Humor The Gods Into Laughing, So That There Was Access To The Divine - Because Laughter Is A Moment When We Are Completely Ourselves.

Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

My Mother Didn't Get Home Until About Seven Most Nights And, Yes, There Was A Sense Of Being Very Alone After School. She Gave Me All The Proper Guidance And Influences, But Physically, She Just Couldn't Be There.

At Best, God Can Be Viewed As Nothing More Than An Uncaring Incompetent Father-figure

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

I Think It's Important To Break Taboos For The Same Reason It's Important To Break Laws And Rules - Because Either You're A Slave To Them, Or You're Taking Matters Into Your Hands.

That Invisible Hand Of Adam Smith Seems To Offer An Extended Middle Finger To An Awful Lot Of People.

By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

Picture Your Grandmother In Hell, Baking Pies... Without An Oven.

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

Where Ideas Are Concerned, America Can Be Counted On To Do One Of Two Things: Take A Good Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground, Or Take A Bad Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground.

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

What Wine Goes With Captain Crunch?

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

Lenny Bruce Genius Was The Unique Ability To Investigate Hypocrisy And Expose Social Inequities In A Street Rap That Was Really A Form Of Poetry.

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

I Grew Up In New York Wanting To Be Like Those Funny Men In The Movies And On The Radio.

I Have A Lot Of Things [in Me] That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sweet.

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.

The Effect Of The Coke On Our Relationship [with My Wife Brenda] Was Very Sick. Now That It's Over, Those Were Actually Funny Times. Looking For Each Other's Coke, Hiding It, Finding It, Doing Some, Not Telling The Other. Then Fighting Over It.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

Baseball Is A Nineteenth-century Pastoral Game. Football Is A Twentieth-century Technological Struggle.

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

No, There's No God, But There Might Be Some Sort Of An Organizing Intelligence, And I Think To Understand It Is Way Beyond Our Ability. It's Certainly Not A Judgmental Entity. It's Certainly Not Paternalistic And All These Qualities That Have Been Attributed To God.

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

The Person Who Is Most A Part Of Me Is The Performer, Is The Standup, The Guy Who Says, "hey Look At Me, Listen To This!" I Do That Because That's What I Do, I Love Doing It.

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

And Speaking Of Sex, The Immaculate Conception Does Not Mean Jesus Was Conceived In The Absence Of Sex. It Means Mary Was Conceived Without Original Sin. That's All It Has Ever Meant. And According To The Tabloids, Mary Is Apparently The Only One Who Can Make Such A Claim. The Jesus Thing Is Called Virgin Birth.

No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open.

There Are Only Two Types Of Motorists: The Idiots Who Drive Slower Than Me, And The Lunatics Who Go Faster.

Military Cemeteries Around The World Are Packed With Brainwashed Dead Soldiers Who Were Convinced God Was On Their Side. America Prays For God To Destroy Our Enemies. Our Enemies Pray For God To Destroy Us. Somebody's Gonna Be Disappointed! Somebody's Wasting Their Time! Could It Be.. Everyone?

I've Set My Own Rules To Live By. The First One Is: 'never Believe Anything The Government Says.'

Rules To Live By

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

I Love My Family

If You're Reading It In A Book, Folks, It Ain't Self-help. It's Help.

God Bless The Homicidal Maniacs. They Make Life Worthwhile.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

E-i-e-i-o Is Actually A Gross Misspelling Of The Word Farm.

The Main Reason Women Are Crazy, Is That Men Are Stupid.

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

Next Time You See Someone Sleeping, Make Believe You're In A Science Fiction Movie. And Whisper, 'the Creature Is Regenerating Itself.'

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Flowers Are One Of The Few Things We Buy, Bring Home, Watch Die, And We Don't Ask For Our Money Back.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

People Who Ask "can I Ask You A Question?" Didn't Really Give Me A Choice, Did Ya There Buddy?

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

That's The Whole Meaning Of Life, Isn't It? Trying To Find A Place For Your Stuff.

Meaning Of Life

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

Looking Back, I Realize That My Life Has Been A Series Of Incidents Where One Person Has Said To Another, "get This Asshole Outta Here!"

I Feel Sorry For Confetti. Its Useful Life Lasts About Two Seconds. And It Can Never Be Used Again.

All Patriarchal Societies Are Either Preparing For War, At War, Or Recovering From War.

Patriarchal Society

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

You Get Into Your Teens, Now They Can't Hold You Back. You Jump To The Next Number, Or Even A Few Ahead.

You Get To Play With People's Little Danger Zones.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

By The Age Of Six Or Seven, I Was Already Doing Voices And Faces, Making My Friends And My Mother Laugh.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Finding Yourself

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

Sex Criminals. Completely Incurable... I Suppose You Could Outlaw Religion And These Sex Crimes Would Disappear In A Generation Or Two, But We Don't Have Time For Rational Solutions.

I Really Haven't Seen This Many People In One Place Since They Took Group Photographs Of All The Criminals And Lawbreakers In The Ronald Reagan Administration.

Like On The Airlines, They Say They Want To 'pre-board'. Well, What The Hell Is 'pre Board'? What Does That Mean? To Get On Before You Get On?

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

I Think You Can Talk About Anything If The Context Is Correctly Arranged. If You Set Up The Context And You Bring The Audience Along Carefully Enough With You, You Can Get Them To Cross The Line With You. What I Try To Do Is Talk About Things That Bother Me, And I Hope That In Doing So I Bother Other People.

Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Up On The Roof And Gets Stuck.

Roof Over Your Head

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Baseball Is The Only Major Sport That Appears Backwards In A Mirror.

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

The Ritual Was Very Important To Me: Cleaning The Pot, Rolling The Pot.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

Eventually, Alas, I Realized The Main Purpose Of Buying Cocaine Is To Run Out Of It.

Surround Yourself With What You Love, Whether It's Family, Pets, Keepsakes, Music, Plants, Hobbies, Whatever.

Praying Is Begging For An Unseen Deity To Alter The Laws Of Nature For Someone Admittedly Unworthy.

At 68 I'm Every Age I Ever Was. I Always Think Of That. I'm Not Just 68. I'm Also 55 And 21 And Three. Oh Especially Three.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

Regarding Local Residents Attempting To Ban Sex Shops From Their Neighborhoods: You Show Me A Parent Who Says He's Worried About His Child's Innocence And I'll Show You A Homeowner Trying To Maintain Equity.

We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

Conservatives Say If You Don't Give The Rich More Money, They Will Lose Their Incentive To Invest. As For The Poor, They Tell Us They've Lost All Incentive Because We've Given Them Too Much Money.

The Radio Ad "hi, I'm Jeff Healey From The Jeff Healey Band. Don't Drink And Drive. I Don't". Well, I Hope You Don't Drive Sober Either Mr. Healey. You're Blind For God's Sake!

If You Have A Legal Problem, Guess How You Determine Whether Or Not You Need A Lawyer. You See A Lawyer. Isn't That Weird?

I Did Lsd And Peyote In The Late Sixties, Before I Got Into Cocaine. That Was Concurrent With My Change From A Straight Comic To The Album And Counterculture Period, And Those Drugs Served Their Purpose. They Helped Open Me Up.

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

Children Are Not Our Future, And I Can Prove It With My Usual, Flawless Logic. Children Can't Be Our Future, Because By The Time The Future Arrives, They Won't Be Children Anymore, So Blow Me!

If It Requires A Uniform, It's A Worthless Endeavor.

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

If A Word Is Misspelled In The Dictionary, How Would We Ever Know? If Webster Wrote The First Dictionary, Where Did He Find The Words? Why Is 'phonics' Not Spelled The Way It Sounds? How Come Abbreviated Is Such A Long Word?

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

If God Is All Powerful, Can He Make A Stone So Big That He Himself Can't Lift It?

Language Always Gives You Away.

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

One Of The More Pretentious Political Self-descriptions Is 'libertarian.' People Think It Puts Them Above The Fray. It Sounds Fashionable, And To The Uninitiated, Faintly Dangerous. Actually, It's Just One More Bullshit Political Philosophy.

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

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