Background Image

...

What Strikes Me As Funny About Elvis Is That All The Impersonators Choose To Do The Vegas Elvis; Not The Young, Cool Guy, Always The Bloated Fool.

-Bill Hicks

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

What Strikes Me As

Bill Hicks

...

What Strikes Me As Funny About Elvis Is That All The Impersonators Choose To Do The Vegas Elvis; Not The Young, Cool Guy, Always The Bloated Fool.

Views: 4220

Topic

More From Bill Hicks

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution.

You Want A Better World...? Legalize Pot Right Now. ...end The Deficit? Legalize Pot Right Now...biggest Cash Crop In America.

It's You People Dying From Nothing That Are Screwed. I Got All Sorts Of Neat Gadgets Waiting For Me...oxygen Tent, Iron Lung.

I Loved When Bush Came Out And Said, 'we Are Losing The War Against Drugs.' You Know What That Implies? There's A War Being Fought, And The People On Drugs Are Winning It.

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

I Believe We All Have The Voice Of Reason Inside Us...to Gently Lead Us Out Of Our Own Self-created Hells.

That's What I'm Gonna Do: Quit Gradually...i'm Gonna Lose One Lung; Little While Later I'm Gonna Lose The Other One.

[comedy] Is An Escape From Illusions. The Audience Is...thinking, 'this Bullshit We See And Hear All Day Makes No Sense.'

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings In Fife, Alabama. I Asked A Guy, "why Do You Bring A Gun To A Ufo Sighting?" Guy Said, "way-ul, We Didn' Wanna Be Ab-duc-ted." If I Lived In Fife, Alabama, I Would Be On My Hands And Knees Every Night Praying For Abduction.

Oh My God. Lift Me Up Out Of This Illusion, Lord. Heal My Perception That I Might Know Only Reality And Only You.

If You Want To Understand A Society, Take A Good Look At The Drugs It Uses. And What Can This Tell You About American Culture? Well, Look At The Drugs We Use. Except For Pharmaceutical Poison, There Are Essentially Only Two Drugs That Western Civilization Tolerates: Caffeine From Monday To Friday To Energize You Enough To Make You A Productive Member Of Society, And Alcohol From Friday To Monday To Keep You Too Stupid To Figure Out The Prison That You Are Living In.

I'm An American Who Loves An America Which Doesn't Exist, Which Is A Land Of Freedom And Free Ideas.

It Is Hard To Quit Smoking. Every One Of Them Looks Real Good To Me Right About Now. Every Cigarette Looks Like It Was Made By God, Rolled By Jesus And Moistened Shut With Claudia Schiffer's Pussy.

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

Humanity Is Just A Virus With Shoes.

Ever Notice That People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Unevolved? Eyes Real Close Together, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day." Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It.

People Often Ask Me Where I Stand Politically. It's Not That I Disagree With Bush's Economic Policy Or His Foreign Policy, It's That I Believe He Was A Child Of Satan Sent Here To Destroy The Planet Earth. Little To The Left.

What Do You Say We Lighten Things Up And Talk About Abortion?

Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

Speaking Of Satan, I Was Watching Rush Limbaugh The Other Day.

If Ur Going To Have A War On Drugs, Have Them Against All Drugs, Including Alcohol, The Number One Offender.

It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious.

When You're...stepping Over A Guy On The Sidewalk...does It Ever Occur To You To Think, 'wow. Maybe Our System Doesn't Work?'

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

No One Knows What It's Like ... To Be A Dustbin ... In Shaftesbury ... With Hooligans.

Yesterday, Some Hooligans Knocked Over A Dustbin In Shaftesbury.

The Best Kind Of Comedy To Me Is When You Make People Laugh At Things They've Never Laughed At, And Also Take A Light Into The Darkened Corners Of People's Minds, Exposing Them To The Light.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

Oh--won't We Party Hard When L.a. Goes Kersplash?...l.a. Fell In The Ocean?... There Is A God. He Loves Us All So Much.

The Voice Of Reason Is In Us All...and Everyone Can Recognize It Because It Makes Sense And Everyone Benefits From It Equally.

Your Denial Is Beneath You, And Thanks To The Use Of Hallucinogenic Drugs, I See Through You.

You Know We Armed Iraq. I Wondered About That Too, You Know During The Persian Gulf War Those Intelligence Reports Would Come Out: "iraq: Incredible Weapons - Incredible Weapons." How Do You Know That? "uh, Well... We Looked At The Receipts."

The American Dream Is A Crock. Stop Wanting Everything. Everyone Should Wear Jeans And Have Three T-shirts, Eat Rice And Beans.

The Cia Has A Plot...they've Used Before To Get Rid Of World Leaders. Only Problem...is Convincing Hussein...to Fly To Dallas.

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

I Don't Do Drugs Anymore... Than, Say, The Average Touring Funk Band.

We Really Are All One....this Is The Very Philosophy That Has Kept Me Virtually Anonymous In America For Fifteen Years.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally Upon Our Planet. Doesn’t The Idea Of Making Nature Against The Law Seem To You A Bit . . . Unnatural?

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

I Am A Misanthropic Humanist... Do I Like People? They're Great, In Theory.

Let's Do Some Comedy. I Always Like To Add Some Comedy To My Show. Those Who've Seen Me Before Might Know That.

Today A Young Man On Acid Realized That All Matter Is Merely Energy Condensed To A Slow Vibration, That We Are All One Consciousness Experiencing Itself Subjectively, There Is No Such Thing As Death, Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves. Here's Tom With The Weather.

My Voice Was Not Heard, The Questions Were Not Asked That I Wanted To See Asked.

I Was Always 'awake'...some Part Of Me Clamoring For New Insights And New Ways To Make The World A Better Place.

I Got This Big Fear Of Doing Smoking Jokes In My Act And Showing Up Five Years From Now Goin' [puts Mic To His Neck And Speaks As If He Had A Mechanical Larynx] 'good Evening Everybody, Remember Me, Smoking's Bad. [puts Cigarette To Neck And Mimics Smoking It] Eeww. You Ever Seen Somebody Do That? I've Seen Someone Do That. Let Me Tell You Something — If You're Smoking Out Of A Hole In Your Neck [mimics It Again] I'd Think About Quitting. And That's Just Me, Ya Know.

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

I Think It's Interesting How People Act On Their Beliefs. A Lot Of Christians, For Instance, Wear Crosses Around Their Necks. Nice Sentiment, But Do You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He's Really Going To Want To Look At A Cross?

So Scary Watching The News...like Iraq...could Ever Under Any Stretch Of The Imagination Be Any Threat To Us Whatsoever.

That's Why I Always Recommend A Psychedelic Experience Because It Makes You Realize That All You've Learned Is In Fact Just Learned And Not Necessarily The Truth.

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love.

Revolutionary Ideas

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

Dinosaur Fossils Were Placed In Rocks By Prankster God Just To Make Human Beings Think The World Is Older Than It Is.

I Go To Dance Clubs...about Once A Year Just To Justify The Other 364 Days I Spend In My Apartment Going 'god, What Idiots!'

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love, Instead, See All Of Us As One.

I Don't Care If You're Obscene, Filthy, Horrendous -- As Long As You're Honest.

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

It's My Object To Be Stared At Like A Dog That's Just Been Shown A Card Trick.

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

You're Not A Human Till You're In My Phone Book. There. My Hat Is Now In The Political Ring.

It's Not That I Disagreed With Bush's Economic Policy... I Believed He Was A Child Of Satan Here To Destroy The Planet.

We'll See Who Believes In Me Now. I Am The Prankster God - I Am Killing Me!

Writing, Acting, Music, Comedy. A Deep Love Of Literature And Books. Thank God For All The Artists Who've Helped Me.

To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying God Made A Big Mistake.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

I Believe It Is Our Own Misperceptions Of Who We Really Are That Leads To Every Self-created Hell You'll Find In This World.

Isn't That Weird, We've Made Nature Against The Law. That's How Un-natural We've Become.

There Is A 3rd Point Of View On The Gun Control Issue - Those Who I Refer To As The Victims - But They Remain Strangely Silent.

Rock Stars Against Drugs--that's What We Want, Isn't It? Government-approved Rock-n-roll? Woo! We're Partying Now!

I Believe The Cost Of Life Is Death And We Will All Pay That In Full. Everything Else Should Be A Gift.

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

I'm Not Into Those Kind Of Rivalries. I Remember Standing Out In Front Of Stratford, Minding My Own Business. Carload Of About Eighty Kids Would Pull Up: 'stratford Sucks!' Am I Supposed To Run After These Guys? I'd Just Stand There, You Know. They'd Back Up. 'stratford Sucks! ...stratford Sucks!' I'd Say, 'i Know. I Go There. You're Wasting Gas, Man.

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

A Lotta Christians Wear Crosses 'round Their Necks; Do You Think If Jesus Comes Back He Ever Wants To See Another Cross?

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

Just One Thing I Know For Sure, Chicks Dig Jerks.

The Whole Image Is That Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love. That's The Message We're Brought Up With, Isn't It? Believe Or Die! Thank You, Forgiving Lord, For All Those Options.

Revolutionary Ideas

The World's Like A Ride In A Fairground & When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real, That's How Powerful Our Minds Are

I'm Just Skin Covering Coffee And Some Real Nervous Teeth.

People In The United Kingdom And Outside The United States Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself.

Do I Have A Message? Yes, I Do. Here's My Message: As Scary As The World Is – And It Is – It Is Merely A Ride ...

Watching Television Is Like Taking Black Spray Paint To Your Third Eye.

Courtroom For Ted Bundy's Trial Is Packed With Women, Trying To Meet Him And Give Him Love Letters And Wedding-fucking-proposals...and The First Thought That Enters My Mind Is, "and I'm Not Getting Laid." What Am I Doing Wrong?

What Does An Atheist Scream When They Come?

What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves?

To Me Pornography Is...spending All Your Money And Not Educating The People In America, But Spending It Instead On Weapons.

I'm Totally Confused About What I'm Going To Do With My Life.

Btw A 24 Week Old Embryo Is Not A Human Being. You're Not A Human Being Until You're In My Phone Book.

It Seems To Me That There Will Be A Point In Out Development Or Our Evolution Where You Put Your Guns Aside.

Mushrooms Grow On Cow Turds. I Love That. I Think That's Why You Giggle The First Hour.

If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

This Is Where We Are At Right Now, As A Whole. No One Is Left Out Of The Loop. We Are Experiencing A Reality Based On A Thin Veneer Of Lies And Illusions. A World Where Greed Is Our God And Wisdom Is Sin, Where Division Is Key And Unity Is Fantasy, Where The Ego-driven Cleverness Of The Mind Is Praised, Rather Than The Intelligence Of The Heart.

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings...brings A Whole New Meaning To That Phrase 'you Ain't From Around Here, Ar'ya?'

I Guess What Surprised Me The Most Was The Discrepancy In Casualties: Iraq, One Hundred Fifty Thousand Casualties, Usa: Seventy-nine! Let's Go Over Those Numbers Again, They're A Little Baffling At First: Iraq: 150,000, Usa: 79. Does That Mean We Could Have Won With Only 80 Guys There? Just One Guy In A Ticker-tape Parade, "i Did It! Hey!"

The World Is Like A Ride In An Amusement Park. And When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real Because That's How Powerful Our Minds Are. And The Ride Goes Up And Down And Round And Round. It Has Thrills And Chills And It's Very Brightly Coloured And It's Very Loud And It's Fun, For A While. Some People Have Been On The Ride For A Long Time And They Begin To Question: "is This Real, Or Is This Just A Ride?" And Other People Have Remembered, And They Come Back To Us, They Say, "hey, Don't Worry, Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride." And We Kill Those People.

Will There Be Titty? Sure. Boom! I'm A Producer. Where You Been All Our Life, Boy? We Been Lookin For You In Hollywood.

You Know All The Money We Spend On Nuclear Weapons And Defence Every Year? Trillions Of Dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, If We Spent That Money Feeding And Clothing The Poor Of The World,which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, Not One, We Could, As One Race, Explore Outer Space Together In Peace Forever

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

Marijuana: A Drug That Kills … No One – And Let's Put It In A Time Frame – Ever. Illegal.

I've Learned A Lot About Women. I Think I've Learned Exactly How The Fall Of Man Occured In The Garden Of Eden. Adam And Eve Were In The Garden Of Eden, And Adam Said One Day, Wow, Eve, Here We Are, At One With Nature, At One With God, We'll Never Age, We'll Never Die, And All Our Dreams Come True The Instant That We Have Them. And Eve Said, Yeah... It's Just Not Enough Is It?

I Left In Love, In Laughter, And In Truth, And Wherever Truth, Love And Laughter Abide, I Am There In Spirit.

Revolutionary Ideas

How Come People Always Flip And Think They're Jesus? Why Not Buddha? Particularly In America, Where More People Resemble Buddha Than Jesus. 'ah'm Buddha!' 'you're Bubba!' 'ah'm Buddha Now..all I Gotta Do Is Change 3 Letters On Ma Belt.

Is It Impossible To Imagine Americans Sneaking Into Mexico En Masse, Seeking Regular Employment And A Better Way Of Life?

So, It's Good To Be Here, Wherever I Am.

All Day Long You See Those Commercials: 'here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and The Next Commercial Is: 'this Bud's For You.'

I Smoke. If This Bothers Anyone, I Suggest You Look Around At The World In Which We Live And Shut Your F-kin' Mouth.

We Are One With God And He Loves Us. Now If That Isn't A Hazard To This Country-how're We Gonna Keep Building Nuclear Weapons?

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

It's Not A War On Drugs, It's A War On Personal Freedom.

Personal Freedom

I Don't Like Anything In The Mainstream And They Don't Like Me.

Revolutionary Ideas

"smoking May Cause Fetal Injury Or Premature Birth." ... I Found My Brand. Just Don't Get The Ones That Say, "lung Cancer."

Pornography Is Any Act That Has No Artistic Merit And Causes Sexual Thoughts...sounds Like Almost Every Commercial On Tv To Me.

I'll Smoke, I'll Cough, I'll Get The Tumors, I'll Die, Deal? Thank You America. [salutes]

Listen, The Next Revolution Is Gonna Be A Revolution Of Ideas.

Revolutionary Ideas

Go Back To Bed America, Your Government Is In Control Again. Go Back To Bed America... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You.

People In The U.k. Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself. They Have A Sense Of Irony, Which America Doesn't Have, Seeing As It's Being Run By Fundamentalists Who Take Things Literally.

The Definition Of Black Irony Is Pro-lifers Killing Doctors Who Do Abortions

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

What Did Moths Bump Into Before The Electric Light Bulb Was Invented? Boy, The Lightbulb Really Screwed The Moth Up Didn't It? Are There Moths On Their Way To The Sun Now Going, It's Gonna Be Worth It!.

Why Do We Put People Who Are On Drugs In Jail? They're Sick, They're Not Criminals. Sick People Don't Get Healed In Prison. You See? It Makes No Sense.

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

Why Is Pot Against The Law? It Wouldn't Be Because Anyone Can Grow It, And Therefore You Can't Make A Profit Off It, Would It?

No, I Don't Do Drugs Anymore, Either. But I'll Tell You Something About Drugs. I Used To Do Drugs, But I'll Tell You Something Honestly About Drugs, Honestly, And I Know It's Not A Very Popular Idea, You Don't Hear It Very Often Anymore, But It Is The Truth: I Had A Great Time Doing Drugs. Sorry. Never Murdered Anyone, Never Robbed Anyone, Never Raped Anyone, Never Beat Anyone, Never Lost A Job, A Car, A House, A Wife Or Kids, Laughed My Ass Off, And Went About My Day.

What Are You Reading For?

You All Saw Him - He Had A Gun.

'where's Bill Going?' He's Going To Comedy Death. Boom! He Pops Out Of It With Another Joke. It's My Particular Style.

Laughter Makes The Bitter Swallowing Of Truth, For Some, A Little Easier.

I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

Truly, The Only Stupid People I've Ever Met, The Most Absolutely Clueless, Are The Very People That Produce Television.

This Is The Idea That Has Made Me...an Anonymous Figure In America...if You Have Children Here Tonight...they Are Not Special.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assassination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It.

I've Had Good Times On Drugs...bad Times On Drugs...but I've Had Good And Bad Relationships...and I'm Not Giving Up Pussy.

Bad Relationship

I Have Something To Tell You Non-smokers That I Know For A Fact That You Don't Know, And I Feel It's My Duty To Pass On Information At All Times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers Die Every Day . . . Enjoy Your Evening. See, I Know That You Entertain This Eternal Life Fantasy Because You've Chosen Not To Smoke, But Let Me Be The 1st To Pop That Bubble And Bring You Hurling Back To Reality . . . You're Dead Too.

Good Comedy Helps People Know They're Not Alone. Great Comedy Provides An Answer.

And If I Can Take Part In It By Transforming My Own Consciousness, Then Someone Else's, I'm Happy To Do It.

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

I Can't Believe A War Against Drugs When They Have Anti-drug Commercials On Tv All Day Long Followed By This Bud Is For You.

Okay, I Got One Word To Ask You, A One Word Question, Ready?

I Just Have One Of Those Faces. People Come Up To Me And Say, 'what's Wrong?' Nothing. 'well, It Takes More Energy To Frown Than It Does To Smile.' Yeah, You Know It Takes More Energy To Point That Out Than It Does To Leave Me Alone?

If You're So Pro-life, Do Me A Favour: Don't Lock Arms And Block Medical Clinics. If You're So Pro-life, Lock Arms And Block Cemeteries.

You Know What I Hate About Working? Bosses...the Very Idea That Anyone Could Be My Boss, Well...i Think You See The Conflict.

God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

I Smoke To Fill The Potholes In My Soul

I Saw...a Kid On A Leash. You Seen These People? Kid On A Leash? How Horrible. Put Him In The Pound Where He Belongs.

It's Hard To Have A Relationship In This Business...it's Gonna Take A Very Special Woman...or A Bunch Of Average Ones.

You Ever Notice That Everyone Who Believes In Creationism Looks Really Un-evolved?

Sometimes You Feel In Control, And It's Great, But Sometimes You Just Don't Feel In Control And You Really Have To Struggle To Get Laughs.

To Me, Texas Is Austin, A Bunch Of Cool People Trying To Make A Difference.

I, Like All Artists In Western Cultures, Am A Shaman...come In The Guise Of A Comic...to Heal Perception By Using...'jokes'.

Western Culture

I'm Glad Mushrooms Are Against The Law, Because I Took Them One Time, And You Know What Happened To Me? I Laid In A Field Of Green Grass For Four Hours Going, "my God! I Love Everything." Yeah, Now If That Isn't A Hazard To Our Country... How Are We Gonna Justify Arms Dealing When We Realize That We're All One?

...i Just Want To Be Free Of The Fears And Anxieties And The Superstitions Of Religion. An 'avenging God'? One Who Created Hell For Those Who Don't Believe? I Thought We Were The Perfect And Holy Children Of God? How Could Any Limits Possibly Be Put Upon Us? Hell.. Really? I'm Sorry, But... No. Wrong. You're Wrong. That's An Insane God And Therefore Not Mine. Because, See, God Would Be Very Sane, Don't You Get It?

Right Foot, Left Foot, Hemorrhage.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind’s Sole Purpose On This Planet. If You’re Wondering What I Believe Our Purpose On This Planet Is, I’ll Give You A Hint... It Has To Do With Creating And Sharing.

Let Me Tell You About Gays In The Military. I Don't Want Any Gay People Hanging Around Me While I'm Killing Kids. I Just Don't Want To See It.

Ultimately, It Is In Fun. It Is Supposed To Be Highly Entertaining.

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

I Can't Watch Tv Longer Than Five Minutes Without Praying For Nuclear Holocaust.

Revolutionary Ideas

As Long As One Person Lives In Darkness Then It Seems To Be A Responsibility To Tell Other People.

I Was Just Down In Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's Really Accurate, You Know, 'cause Oswald's Not In It.

People Say To Me, Hey, Bill, The War Made Us Feel Better About Ourselves. Really? What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves? May I Suggest, Instead Of A War To Feel Better About Yourself, Perhaps... Sit-ups? Maybe A Fruit Cup? Eight Glasses Of Water A Day?

You Ever Noticed How People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Un-evolved? You Ever Noticed That? Eyes Real Close Together, Eyebrow Ridges, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day". Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

Revolutionary Ideas

I've Had Seven Balls Of Light Come Off A Ufo...explain To Me Telepathically We Are All One And There's No Such Thing As Death.

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

No One Can Give You Any Answers. There Aren't Any. You Have To Discover For Yourself-you Must Learn To Navigate The Mystery.

I Hate Patriotism... I Can't Stand It. It's A Round World Last Time I Checked.

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally On Our Planet, Serves A Thousand Different Functions, All Of Them Positive. To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying That God Made A Mistake.

A Christian Will Say... "i Believe God Created Me In One Day" Yeah, Looks Liked He Rushed It.

They Tell Us "rock'n'roll Is The Devil's Music." Well, Let's Say We Know That Rock Is The Devil's Music, And We Know That It Is, For Sure ... At Least He F-kin' Jams! If It's A Choice Between Eternal Hell And Good Tunes, And Eternal Heaven And New Kids On The F-kin' Block ... I'm Gonna Be Surfin' On The Lake Of Fire, Rockin' Out.

Music Is A Great Energizer. It's A Language Everybody Knows.

I Never Got Along With My Dad. Kids Used To Come Up To Me And Say, 'my Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad.' I'd Say 'yeah? When?'

We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

I Was In Australia....lotta Leg Room Down Under. Apartments: Dollar A Month. 2000-acre Den....think Of The Parties.

I Wouldn't Give Satan A Snowball's Chance In Hell Against A Woman's Ego.

When Two Or More People Agree On An Issue, I Form On The Other Side.

We Are Losing The 'war On Drugs,' Which Means There's A War Going On And People On Drugs Are Winning It.

I Don't Identify With Anyone Historically, But There Are Several People In The Future Who I Am A Dead Ringer For.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind's Sole Purpose On This Planet.

I Don't Get Along With Anything, I Really Don't...i'm, I'm, Maybe I'm Just A, You Know, Incredibly Tasteful Human Being.

How Many Of Y'all Wondered, Like I Did, During The La Riots When Those People Were Being Pulled Out Of Their Trucks And Beaten Half To Death - Step On The F***ing Gas, Man! They're On Foot, You're In A Truck - I Think I See A Way Out Of This.

You Watch The News These Days? It's Unbelievable. You Think You Just Walk Out Your Door, You're Immediately Gonna Be Raped By Some Crack-addicted, Aids-infected Pitbull.

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

If You Are Living For Tomorrow, You Will Always Be One Day Behind.

....all Drugs Should Be Legal. War Is Wrong. The Rich Get Richer. The Poor Get Poorer. Thank You. I'll Be Here All Week.

Sixteen Years I've Pounded My Head Against The Mentality Of America, Which...i'd Say It's About An 8th Grade Emotional Level.

I Began Working Quite Young, Writing, Growing, Maturing, Always Striving To Top Myself - To Make People Laugh Hard At Things They Know And Believe Deep In Their Hearts To Be True.

Shut Up! Go Back To Bed, America. Your Government Is In Control. Here's Love Connection. Watch This And Get Fat And Stupid.

Keith Richards Outlived Jim Fixx, The Runner And Health-nut Dude. The Plot Thickens.

Trending Author

Simone De Beauvoir

Category