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They Threaten Me With Lung Cancer, And Still I Smoke And Smoke. If They'd Only Threaten Me With Hard Work, I Might Stop.

-Mignon McLaughlin

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They Threaten Me With

Mignon McLaughlin

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They Threaten Me With Lung Cancer, And Still I Smoke And Smoke. If They'd Only Threaten Me With Hard Work, I Might Stop.

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The Plague Of Government Is Senile Delinquency.

A Husband Only Worries About A Particular Other Man; A Wife Distrusts Her Whole Species.

Most Sermons Sound To Me Like Commercials - But I Can't Make Out Whether God Is The Sponsor Or The Product.

It's The Most Unhappy People Who Most Fear Change.

How Strange That The Young Should Always Think The World Is Against Them - When In Fact That Is The Only Time It Is For Them.

The Head Never Rules The Heart, But Just Becomes Its Partner In Crime.

The Young Do Not Need God, And The Old Cannot Find Him.

The Past Is Rich In Lessons From Which We Would Greatly Profit Except That The Present Is Always So Full Of Special Circumstances.

We're Seldom Drawn To A Character We Admire; Only To A Personality We Like.

Hope Is The Feeling We Have That The Feeling We Have Is Not Permanent.

Many Marriages Are Simply Working Partnerships Between Businessmen And Housekeepers.

A Love That Lasts For Twenty Years May Be Better Than Love, But It Isn't Love.

When Their Children Fail To Charm Others, Few Parents Can Stay Neutral.

The Poor Have The Same Basic Pleasures As The Rich, And The Rich Will Always Resent It.

Even Cowards Can Endure Hardship; Only The Brave Can Endure Suspense.

There Are Now Electrical Appliances With The Main Unit So Sealed In That It Cannot Be Got At For Repair. There Have Always Been Human Beings Like That.

When Threatened, The First Thing A Democracy Gives Up Is Democracy.

Flesh Goes On Pleasuring Us, And Humiliating Us, Right To The End.

The Next Voice You Hear Will Undoubtedly Be Your Own.

There's Only One Person Who Needs A Glass Of Water Oftener Than A Small Child Tucked In For The Night, And That's A Writer Sitting Down To Write.

God And The Devil Lose To A Common Enemy: Inertia.

Confession Is Good For The Conscience, But It Usually Bypasses The Soul.

The Neurotic Keeps Minute Track Of His Enemies; It Is Only His Friends He Is Careless About.

You Can't Truthfully Explain Your Smallest Action Without Fully Revealing Your Character.

We Have To Call It "freedom": Who'd Want To Die For "a Lesser Tyranny"

We'd All Like A Reputation For Generosity, And We'd All Like To Buy It Cheap.

Don't Fool Yourself That Important Things Can Be Put Off Till Tomorrow; They Can Be Put Off Forever, Or Not At All

Procrastination

Forget About Calories - Everything Makes Thin People Thinner, And Fat People Fatter.

If You Must Reread Old Love Letters, Better Pick A Room Without Mirrors.

We Lavish On Animals The Love We Are Afraid To Show To People. They Might Not Return It; Or Worse, They Might.

Ma-ma Does Everything For The Baby, Who Responds By Saying Da-da First.

Each Day, The American Housewife Turns Toward Television As Toward A Lover. She Feels Guilty About It, And Well She Might, For He's Covered With Warts And Is Only After Her Money.

Pull Yourself Together' Is Seldom Said To Anyone Who Can.

Money: In Its Absence, We Are Coarse; In Its Presence, We Are Vulgar.

We Are All Such A Waste Of Our Potential, Like Three-way Lamps Using One-way Bulbs.

There Are Children Born To Be Children, And Others Who Must Mark Time Till They Can Take Their Natural Places As Adults.

After The Chills And Fever Of Love, How Nice Is The 98.6 Degrees Of Marriage.

Always Live Up To Your Standards — By Lowering Them, If Necessary.

Neurotics Think Of The Past With Resentment, And The Future With Dread; The Present Just Doesn't Exist.

Happiness Is Like The Penny Candy Of Our Youth: We Got A Lot More For Our Money Back When We Had No Money.

Most Of Us Would Rather Risk Catastrophe Than Read The Directions.

Nobody Ever Loved Anybody Like Everybody Wants To Be Loved.

We All Become Great Explorers During Our First Few Days In A New City, Or A New Love Affair.

We Work For Praise, And Dawdle Once We Have It.

Love Is The Silent Saying And Saying Of A Single Name.

We Always Prefer War On Our Own Terms To Peace On Someone Else's.

Don't Ask Others To Forgive In You A Sin They're Dying To Commit Themselves.

Most Of Us Can Easily Do Two Things At Once; What's All But Impossible Is To Do One Thing At Once.

Neurotics Are Always Looking For Something New To Overdo.

An Old Racetrack Joke Reminds You That Your Program Contains All The Winners' Names. I Stare At My Typewriter Keys With The Same Thought.

We Are Like People With Short-term Leases On Summer Cottages; We Can Never Seem To Make Our Provisions Come Out Even With Our Stay.

Not For Nothing Does The Neurotic Suffer - But Not For Anything Very Much, Either.

It's Wonderful To Watch Pretty Women With Character Grow Beautiful.

We Are Never More Self-righteous Than When Giving Up What We Should Have Shunned All Along.

It Upsets Women To Be, Or Not To Be, Stared At Hungrily.

If You Have To Do It Every Day, For God's Sake Learn To Do It Well.

Neurotics Dream Of A Good Life, Or A Great Suicide Note.

The Neurotic Believes That Life Has Meaning, But That His Life Hasn't.

Mumps, Measles, And Puppy Love Are Terrible After Twenty.

People Are Like Birds: On The Wing, All Beautiful; Up Close, All Beady Little Eyes.

A Good Executive Is One Who Makes People Contentedly Settle For Less Than They Meant To Get, In Return For More Than They Meant To Give.

We Welcome Passion, For The Mind Is Briefly Let Off Duty.

Of All Second-class Citizens, Neurotics Are The Only Ones Who Are So By Choice.

We Are Irritated By Rascals, Intolerant Of Fools, And Prepared To Love The Rest. But Where Are They?

Self-confidence Grows On Trees, In Other People's Orchards.

How Can A Man Marry Wisely In His Twenties? The Girl He's Going To Wind Up Wanting Hasn't Even Been Born.

It Is Important To Our Friends To Believe That We Are Unreservedly Frank With Them, And Important To Friendship That We Are Not.

Women Are The Right Age For Just A Few Years; Men, For Most Of Their Lives.

No One Really Listens To Anyone Else, And If You Try It For A While You'll See Why.

Men Never Know How Tired They Are Till Their Wives Sit Them Down For A Nice Long Talk.

The First Two Days Of A Vacation Are Endless; Then It Flies.

The Neurotic Thinks Himself Both Hamlet And Claudius, In A World That Belongs To Polonius.

Theatre Audiences Can't Be Made To Think And Cry: At Best, They Can Be Made To Think And Laugh, Or To Feel And Cry.

Others Settle For Small Rewards; The Neurotic Must Always Go For Broke.

There Are Whole Years For Which I Hope I'll Never Be Cross-examined, For I Could Not Give An Alibi.

Suburb: A Place That Isn't City, Isn't Country, And Isn't Tolerable.

We Are Seldom Happy With What We Now Have, But Would Go To Pieces If We Lost Any Part Of It.

My Religious Position: I Think That God Could Do A Lot Better, And I'm Willing To Give Him The Chance.

When Suffering Comes, We Yearn For Some Sign From God, Forgetting We Have Just Had One.

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True Remorse Is Never Just A Regret Over Consequences; It Is A Regret Over Motive.

The Neurotic Lies Awake At Night, Composing Letters To Those He Hates. He Seldom Thinks Of Dropping A Line To Those He Loves.

Many Of Us Go Through Life Feeling As An Actor Might Feel Who Does Not Like His Part And Does Not Believe In The Play.

The Woman Just Ahead Of You At The Supermarket Checkout Has All The Delectable Groceries You Didn't Even Know They Carried.

I'm Always There To Tell People That Their Life Is Not That Bad. I Wish It Was Easy To Follow That Advice.

Healthy Parakeets Have The Nervous Energy Of Tennis Players.

A Sense Of Humor Is A Major Defense Against Minor Troubles.

There Is Always Some Specific Moment When We Become Aware That Our Youth Is Gone; But, Years After, We Know It Was Much Later.

A Parent Who Has Never Apologized To His Children Is A Monster. If He's Always Apologizing, His Children Are Monsters.

Men Enjoy Being Thought Of As Hunters, But Are Generally Too Lazy To Hunt. Women, On The Other Hand, Love To Hunt, But Would Rather Nobody Knew It.

A Woman Ought To Look Up To Her Husband, If Only A Half-inch.

Puritans Will Never Believe It, But Life Is Full Of Disagreeable Things That Aren't Even Good For You.

If Only We Could Be Old And Sick While We're Still Young And Healthy Enough To Put Up With It!

Women Who Feel Naked Without Their Lipstick Are Well Over Thirty.

Our Strength Is Often Composed Of The Weakness That We're Damned If We're Going To Show.

It's Hard To Feel Middle-aged, Because How Can You Tell How Long You Are Going To Live?

I Wish I'd Said It First, And I Don't Even Know Who Did: The Only Problems That Money Can Solve Are Money Problems.

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If The Pain Wanders, Do Not Waste Your Time With Doctors.

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Love Looks Forward, Hate Looks Back, Anxiety Has Eyes All Over Its Head.

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If You Can Tell Anyone About It, It's Not The Worst Thing You Ever Did.

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Naturally, The Neurotic Wants You To Love Him Twice As Much, For He's Going To Cut It In Half Anyway.

One Day You Are An Apprentice, And Everybody's Pet; The Next, You Are Coldly Expected To Deliver. There Is Never Sufficient Warning That The Second Day Is Coming.

The Neurotic Listens To Weather Reports About Small Craft Warnings, And He Thinks: They're Talking About Me.

It's Easy Enough To Get Along With A Loved And Loving Child - At Least Till You Try To Get Him To Do Something.

No Woman Wants To See Herself Too Clearly.

Revenge Leads To An Empty Fullness, Like Eating Dirt.

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Be Glad That You're Greedy; The National Economy Would Collapse If You Weren't.

Children Lack Morality, But They Also Lack Fake Morality.

A Woman Asks Little Of Love: Only That She Be Able To Feel Like A Heroine.

Acedia Is Not In Every Dictionary; Just In Every Heart.

When We Discuss Those We Love With Those Who Do Not Love Them, The End Of Love Is Near.

No One Can Understand Love Who Has Not Experienced Infatuation. And No One Can Understand Infatuation, No Matter How Many Times He Has Experienced It.

If Your Husband Expects You To Laugh, Do So; If He Expects You To Cry, Don't; If You Don't Know What He Expects, What Are You Doing Married?

Whenever We Safely Land In A Plane, We Promise God A Little Something.

As We Are Human, We Can't Do What We Can't Do; As We're Neurotic, We Can't Do What We Can.

Love Requires A Willingness To Die; Marriage, A Willingness To Live.

Hate Leaves Ugly Scars, Love Leaves Beautiful Ones.

Women Are Afraid Of Mice And Of Murder, And Of Very Little In Between.

Don't Be Yourself - Be Someone A Little Nicer.

Too Much Money Is As Demoralizing As Too Little, And There's No Such Thing As Exactly Enough.

My Thoughts, I Guess, Are Bitter; Who But The Bitter Have Thoughts?

No Matter How Many Christmas Presents You Give Your Child, There's Always That Terrible Moment When He's Opened The Very Last One. That's When He Expects You To Say, 'oh Yes, I Almost Forgot,' And Take Him Out And Show Him The Pony.

In Retrospect, Our Triumphs Could As Easily Have Happened To Someone Else; But Our Defeats Are Uniquely Our Own.

Learn A Little Of Anything, And You're Ready To Proselytize.

Women Gather Together To Wear Silly Hats, Eat Dainty Food, And Forget How Unresponsive Their Husbands Are. Men Gather To Talk Sports, Eat Heavy Food, And Forget How Demanding Their Wives Are. Only Where Children Gather Is There Any Real Chance Of Fun.

We Are All Born Brave, Trusting And Greedy, And Most Of Us Remain Greedy.

Life Marks Us All Down, So It's Just As Well That We Start Out By Overpricing Ourselves.

Some Marriages Break Up, And Some Do Not, And In Our World You Can Usually Explain The Former Better Than The Latter.

Hot Dogs Always Seem Better Out Than At Home; So Do French-fried Potatoes; So Do Your Children.

Grasp Your Opportunities, No Matter How Poor Your Health; Nothing Is Worse For Your Health Than Boredom.

We Have A Terror Of Seeming To Exert Ourselves, Lest It Be Noticed That We Exerted Ourselves And Did Not Succeed.

Learning Too Soon Our Limitations, We Never Learn Our Powers.

Family Quarrels Have A Total Bitterness Unmatched By Others. Yet It Sometimes Happens That They Also Have A Kind Of Tang, A Pleasantness Beneath The Unpleasantness, Based On The Tacit Understanding That This Is Not For Keeps; That Any Limb You Climb Out On Will Still Be There Later For You To Climb Back.

Love Is Often Gentle, Desire Always A Rage.

Women Usually Love What They Buy, Yet Hate Two-thirds Of What Is In Their Closets.

Make A Habit Of Telling The Truth, Or Make A Habit Of Lying: To Decide Each Case On Its Own Merits Is Exhausting, And Hardly Ever Worth It.

Telling The Truth

Things Are Never So Bad That They Can't Get Worse. But They're Sometimes So Bad They Can't Get Better.

People Will Disapprove Of You If You're Unhappy, Or If You're Happy In The Wrong Way.

Luck: When Your Burst Of Energy Doesn't Run Afoul Of Someone Else's.

It's Impossible To Be Loyal To Your Family, Your Friends, Your Country, And Your Principles, All At The Same Time.

Every Group Feels Strong Once It Has Found A Scapegoat.

What We Love About Love Is The Fever, Which Marriage Puts To Bed And Cures.

People Find It Hard To Be Both Comic And Serious, Though Life Manages It Easily Enough.

Humiliation Is A Vast Country Of Imprecise Boundaries. If You Think You're There, You Are. The Neurotic Rule: When In Doubt, Go Ahead And Feel Humiliated.

If You Hate Your Lot But Wouldn't Trade It, It's Not Your Lot You Hate.

In Youth We Are Plagued By Desire; In Later Years, By The Desire To Feel Desire.

Your Children Vividly Remember Every Unkind Thing You Ever Did To Them, Plus A Few You Really Didn't.

Neurotic Quarrels Always Have The Same Theme-song: Hate Me And Get It Over With.

Neurotic: Someone Who Can Go From The Bottom To The Top, And Back Again, Without Ever Once Touching The Middle.

We Come Late, If At All, To Wine And Philosophy: Whiskey And Action Are Easier.

In Life, As In Restaurants, We Swallow A Lot Of Indigestible Stuff Just Because It Comes With The Dinner.

We Sometimes Feel That We Have Been Really Understood, But It Was Always Long Ago, By Someone Now Dead.

God Is Less Careful Than General Motors, For He Floods The World With Factory Rejects.

The Neurotic Is Always Half-drowning In Anxiety, And Always Being Half-rescued.

Neurotics Expect You To Remember All The Things That They Tell You, And Many That They Don't.

Being Neurotic Is Like Shooting Fish In A Barrel, And Missing Them.

I'm Afraid To Win, And Afraid To Lose; I Hate A Draw And Can't Stop Competing; Otherwise I'm Fine.

The Soul May Sleep And The Body Still Be Happy, But Only In Youth.

The Hardest-learned Lesson: That People Have Only Their Kind Of Love To Give, Not Our Kind.

There's Something In Every Atheist, Itching To Believe, And Something In Every Believer, Itching To Doubt.

Youth Is Not Enough. And Love Is Not Enough. And Success Is Not Enough. And, If We Could Achieve It, Enough Would Not Be Enough.

Congratulations

What We Forgive Too Freely Doesn't Stay Forgiven.

Power Of Forgiveness

Your Children Tell You Casually Years Later What It Would Have Killed You With Worry To Know At The Time.

If You're A Gifted Flirt, Talking About The Price Of Eggs Will Do As Well As Any Other Subject.

The Way The Neurotic Sees It: Bars On His Door Mean That He's Locked In; Bars On Your Door Mean That He's Locked Out.

A First-rate Marriage Is Like A First-rate Hotel: Expensive, But Worth It.

The Young Are Generally Full Of Revolt, And Are Often Pretty Revolting About It.

Your Best Work Always Seems To Have Been Done By Someone Else.

Every Now And Then You Run Across Radiantly Attractive People And You're Delighted To Find They Adore You, Till You Realize That They Adore Just About Everybody - And That's What's Made Them Radiantly Attractive.

Few Novels Or Plays Could Exist Without At Least One Troublemaker In The Group, And Perhaps Life Couldn't Either.

When First We Fall In Love, We Feel That We Know All There Is To Know About Life, And Perhaps We Are Right.

Falling In Love

No Good Neurotic Finds It Difficult To Be Both Opinionated And Indecisive.

When "why Not Do It?" Barely Outweighs "why Do It?" — Don't Do It.

Surrounded By People Who Love Life, You Love It Too; Surrounded By People Who Don't, You Don't.

Neurosis Is No Worse Than A Bad Cold; You Ache All Over, And It's Made You A Mess, But You Won't Die From It.

Women Are Never Landlocked: They're Always Mere Minutes Away From The Briny Deep Of Tears.

Nobody Knows The Trouble We've Seen-but We Keep Trying To Tell Them.

Many Are Saved From Sin By Being So Inept At It.

Once You Become Self-conscious, There Is No End To It; Once You Start To Doubt, There Is No Room For Anything Else.

It Does Not Undo Harm To Acknowledge That We Have Done It; But It Undoes Us Not To Acknowledge It.

The Only Mothers It Is Safe To Forget On Mother's Day Are The Good Ones.

Few Women Care What A Man Looks Like, And A Good Thing Too.

Beauty Often Fades, But Seldom So Swiftly As The Joy It Gives Us.

We Are Keenly Aware Of The Faults Of Our Friends, But If They Like Us Enough It Doesn't Matter.

In The Arithmetic Of Love, One Plus One Equals Everything, And Two Minus One Equals Nothing.

Others Follow Patterns; We Alone Are Unpredictable.

The Neurotic Doesn't Know How To Cope With His Emotional Bills; Some He Keeps Paying Over And Over, Others He Never Pays At All.

The Only Courage That Matters Is The Kind That Gets You From One Moment To The Next.

Men Who Don't Like Girls With Brains Don't Like Girls.

As We Grow Older, Our Capacity For Enjoyment Shrinks, But Not Our Appetite For It.

A Critic Can Only Review The Book He Has Read, Not The One Which The Writer Wrote.

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