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The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

-Groucho Marx

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The Difference Between A

Groucho Marx

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The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

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Take Two Turkeys, One Goose, Four Cabbages, But No Duck, And Mix Them Together. After One Taste, You'll Duck Soup For The Rest Of Your Life

How Much Would You Want To Stand At The Wrong End Of A Shooting Gallery?

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

Time Wounds All Heels.

I'm Leaving Because The Weather Is Too Good. I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

Either He's Dead Or My Watch Has Stopped.

Why Would I Want To Join An Organization That Would Encourage People Like Myself To Become Members.

If Income Tax Is The Price You Have To Pay To Keep The Government On Its Feet, Alimony Is The Price We Have To Pay For Sweeping A Woman Off Hers.

Would You Mind Getting Off That Fly Paper And Giving The Flies A Chance?" "ahhh, You Can't Trick Me! Flies Don't Read Papers!

I Would Never Join A Country Club With Standards So Low As To Allow Me As A Member.

It's Hard To Get Ivory In Africa, But In Alabama The Tuscaloosa

Oh, Are You From Wales? Do You Know A Fella Named Jonah-he Used To Live In Whales For A While

Sir, Are You Trying To Offer Me A Bribe? How Much

I Don't Want To Join The Kind Of A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Do They Allow Tipping On The Boat? - Yes, Sir. Have You Got Two Fives? - Oh, Yes, Sir. Then You Won't Need The Ten Cents I Was Going To Give You.

I Cannot Say That I Don't Disagree With You.

Dig Trenches? With Our Men Being Killed Off Like Flies? There Isn't Time To Dig Trenches. We'll Have To Buy Them Ready Made.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water. And East Is East And West Is West And If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Applesauce They Taste Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does. Now You Tell Me What You Know.

Love Had Forged Ahead So Swiftly That In No Time It Had Displaced Agriculture As The Leading Industry Of The Period. To Anyone Who Has Tried Both, This Wont Come As Much Of A Surprise.

Today's Father Day And We're Giving You A Tie, It's Not Much You Know, It's Just Our Way Of Showing You, You're A Regular Guy.

I Have Nothing But Respect For You -- And Not Much Of That.

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

Gentlemen, Chicolini Here May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot. I Implore You, Send Him Back To His Father And Brothers, Who Are Waiting For Him With Open Arms In The Penitentiary. I Suggest That We Give Him Ten Years In Leavenworth, Or Eleven Years In Twelveworth.

A Man Who Says He Can See Through A Woman Is Missing A Lot.-groucho Marx A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

How Do You Feel About Women's Rights? I Like Either Side Of Them.

A Clown Is Like Aspirin, Only He Works Twice As Fast.

Just Give Me A Comfortable Couch, A Dog, A Good Book, And A Woman. Then If You Can Get The Dog To Go Somewhere And Read The Book, I Might Have A Little Fun.

A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

I Have An Agreement With The Houseflies. The Flies Don't Practice Law And I Don't Walk On The Ceiling.

Blessed Are The Cracked, For They Shall Let In The Light.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

A Child Of Five Would Understand This. Send Someone To Fetch A Child Of Five.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

Obviously There Was No Point In Being A Bachelor If His Houseman Was Going To Filch His Booze. If He Was Going To Get Robbed, He Might Just As Well Get Married.

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend.

Money Will Not Make You Happy, And Happy Will Not Make You Money.

Hey, When I Said Work Fast, I Didn't Mean Your Friend, I Meant The Maid.

If It Gets Any Hotter In Here I Could Use A Big Fan.

Life Is A Whim Of Several Billion Cells To Be You For A While

Groucho: You Know I Think You're The Most Beautiful Woman In The World? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, But I Don't Mind Lying If It Gets Me Somewhere.

Getting Older Is No Problem. You Just Have To Live Long Enough.

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

Love Each Other

Oh, Why Can't We Break Away From All This, Just You And I, And Lodge With My Fleas In The Hills? I Mean Flee To My Lodge In The Hills.

That's Bad Luck: Three On A Midget. From "at The Circus

My Mother Loved Children - She Would Have Given Anything If I Had Been One.

[he] May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot.

Time Flies Like An Arrow; Fruit Flies Like A Banana

Send Two Dozen Roses To Room 424 And Put "emily, I Love You" On The Back Of The Bill.

I Love My Cigar Too, But I Take It Out Of My Mouth Once In A While.

I'd Like To Meet The Person Who Invented Sex And See What They're Working On Now.

This Would Be A Better Place For Children If Parents Had To Eat Spinach.

I Came Here For A Party And What Do I Get? Nothing. Not Even Ice Cream.

Room Service? Send Up A Larger Room.

One Of The Best Hearing Aids A Man Can Have Is An Attentive Wife.

If You're Not Having Fun, You're Doing Something Wrong.

Mrs. Teasdale Congratulates Him On His Coronation And Sovereignty: "the Eyes Of The World Are Upon You. Notables From Every Country Are Gathered Here In Your Honor. This Is A Gala Day For You." Firefly Replies: "well, A Gal A Day Is Enough For Me. I Don't Think I Could Handle Any More."

You Bet I'm Shy. I'm A Shyster Lawyer.

If They'd Lower The Taxes And Get Rid Of The Smog And Clean Up The Traffic Mess, I Really Believe I'd Settle Here Until The Next Earthquake.

I've Known And Respected Your Husband For Many Years, And What's Good Enough For Him Is Good Enough For Me

The Alps Are A Simple Folk, Living On A Diet Of Old Shoes. And The Lord Alps Those Who Alp Themselves.

Remember, The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Don't Happen To Be The Neighbor.

I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book.

If You Find It Hard To Laugh At Yourself, I Would Be Happy To Do It For You.

No Man Goes Before His Time - Unless The Boss Leaves Early.

Television Is Where You Watch People In Your Living Room That You Would Not Want Near Your House.

Here's To Our Wives And Girlfriends...may They Never Meet!

If Women Dressed For Men, The Stores Wouldn't Sell Much - Just An Occasional Sun Visor.

With The Possible Exception Of Clothes, Beauty Salons And Frank Sinatra, There Are Few Subjects All Women Agree Upon.

Be Open Minded, But Not So Open Minded That Your Brains Fall Out.

I'm Not Going To Pay Good Money To Join A Club That Lets In People Like Me.

Why Was I With Her? She Reminds Me Of You. In Fact, She Reminds Me More Of You Than You Do!

Was That You Or The Duck?

There's A Man Outside With A Big Black Mustache. - Tell Him I've Got One.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book . . . The Recipes Were To Be The Routine Ones: How To Make Dry Toast, Instant Coffee, Hearts Of Lettuce And Brownies. But As An Added Attraction, At No Extra Charge, My Idea Was To Put A Fried Egg On The Cover. I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Cry And You're Probably Watching The Wrong Channel.

Celebrate The Cracks, Because That's How The Light Comes In.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

When You're In Jail, A Good Friend Will Be Trying To Bail You Out. A Best Friend Will Be In The Cell Next To You Saying, 'damn, That Was Fun.'

Why, I'd Horse-whip You If I Had A Horse.

My Experience Is That People Are Most Likely To Listen To Reason When In Bed.

To Write An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx Would Be As Asinine As To Read An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Head.

It Isn't So Much That Hard Times Are Coming; The Change Observed Is Mostly Soft Times Going.

I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It.

I've Been Looking For A Girl Like You - Not You, But A Girl Like You.

You've Got A Goal In Life. I've Got A Goal. Now All We Need Is A Football Team.

If You've Heard This Story Before, Don't Stop Me, Because I'd Like To Hear It Again.

Why Don't You Go Home To Your Wife? Better Yet, I'll Go Home To Your Wife, And Outside Of The Improvement, She Won't Notice Any Difference.

My Brother Thinks He's A Chicken-we Don't Talk Him Out Of It Because We Need The Eggs

Afraid? Me? A Man Who's Licked His Weight In Wild Caterpillars?

If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Apple Sauce, It Tastes Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does.

If He's Been Married For 31 Years, He's Not The Same Man.

Mr.blank's Reputation As A Card Shark Had Preceded Him. No One Accused Him Of Being Dishonest, But On The Other Hand No One Accused Him Of Being Honest.

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

Money Cannot Buy You Happiness, And Happiness Cannot Buy You Money. That Might Be A Wise Crack, But I Doubt It.

You're The Most Beautiful Woman I've Ever Seen, And That's Not Saying Much For You

Beautiful Women

Always Examine The Dice.

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water.

My Plans Are Still In Embryo, A Town On The Edge Of Wishful Thinking.

I Can See You In The Kitchen Bending Over A Hot Stove, And I Can't See The Stove

Chico: "here's The Book, It's A Dollar" Groucho: "here's A Ten, And Shoot The Change." Chico: "i Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books.

He Thinks I Look Alike!

In Any Relationship, The Woman Has Control, The Clever Ones Don't Let The Men Know.

I Married Your Mother Because I Wanted Children, Imagine My Disappointment When You Came Along.

I'm Gonna Put Extra Blankets, Free, In All Your Rooms, And There'll Be No Cover Charge.

No One Is Completely Unhappy At The Failure Of His Best Friend.

I Was So Long Writing My Review That I Never Got Around To Reading The Book.

If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him We Don't Want Any.

Let There Be Dancing In The Streets, Drinking In The Saloons, And Necking In The Parlor.

I'll Teach You To Kick Me...' You Don't Need To Teach Me--i Already Know How!

I'll Never Forget My Wedding Day... They Threw Vitamin Pills

Gerald Ford Was Unknown Throughout America. Now He's Unknown Throughout The World.

You Call This A Party? The Beer Is Warm, The Women Cold And I'm Hot Under The Collar.

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

I'm Not Much Of A Correspondent. My Letters Are Not Only Uninteresting But Sparse. I'm Glad I Don?t Have To Write For A Living. It?s Arduous Work And The Money Is Very Uncertain. On Those Rare Occasions When I Wander Into A Bookstore It Amazes Me To See The Avalanche Of Literature And Semi-literature That Is Turned Out Weekly In This Country. The People Who Write These Things Are Either Desperate For Money Or Love Starved. Why Should Anyone On A Nice Balmy Day Lock Oneself In An Office And Hit A Typewriter For Hours On End. I Think One Of The Greatest Pleasures In The World Is Not Writing.

I Never Go To Movies Where The Hero's Tits Are Bigger Than The Heroine's.

I've Got The Brain Of A Four Year Old. I'll Bet He Was Glad To Be Rid Of It.

Africa Is God's Country, And He Can Have It.

Animal Crackers

I Eat Like A Vulture. Unfortunately The Resemblance Doesn't End There.

I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

I'm Not A Vegetarian, But I Eat Animals Who Are.

The Arab And The Camel Are Inseparable. It's Been Said That And Arab Would Give Up His Wife Rather Than Give Up His Camel. Personally, I Haven't Got A Camel, But I Think It's A Great Idea.

Don't Let The Fear Of The Thorn Keep You From The Rose.

All Geniuses Die Young.

Money Frees You From Doing Things You Dislike. Since I Dislike Doing Nearly Everything, Money Is Handy.

I Must Say I Find Television Very Educational. The Minute Somebody Turns It On, I Go To The Library And Read A Good Book. Another Version I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. Another Version I Find Television Very Educational. Every Time Someone Turns It On, I Go In The Other Room And Read A Book.

If I Held You Any Closer I Would Be On The Other Side Of You.

Politics Doesn't Make Strange Bedfellows - Marriage Does.

I'm Not Feeling Very Well - I Need A Doctor Immediately. Ring The Nearest Golf Course.

Don't Be Silly. I'll Write You Twice A Week.

You're Heading For A Breakdown. Why Don't You Pull Yourself To Pieces?

From The Moment I Picked Your Book Up Until I Laid It Down, I Was Convulsed With Laughter. Someday I Intend Reading It.

I Can't Understand Why You Don't Get Any Mail From Me. Perhaps It's Because I Haven't Been Writing

But What Makes Wage Slaves? Wages!

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It.

Given The Choice Between A Woman And A Cigar, I Will Always Choose The Cigar.

My Favourite Poem Is The One That Starts 'thirty Days Hath September' Because It Actually Tells You Something.

I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself.

Marry Me And I'll Never Look At Another Horse!

Hello, I Must Be Going, I Cannot Stay, I Came To Say, I Must Be Going. I’m Glad I Came, But Just The Same, I Must Be Going.

Animal Crackers

The Only Real Laughter Comes From Despair.

Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

You're Only As Young As The Woman You Feel.

I Read In The Newspapers They Are Going To Have 30 Minutes Of Intellectual Stuff On Television Every Monday From 7:30 To 8. To Educate America. They Couldn't Educate America If They Started At 6:30.

The Trouble With Writing A Book About Yourself Is That You Can’t Fool Around. If You Write About Someone Else, You Can Stretch The Truth From Here To Finland. If You Write About Yourself The Slightest Deviation Makes You Realize Instantly That There May Be Honor Among Thieves, But You Are Just A Dirty Liar.

I Refuse To Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member.

Love Flies Out The Door When Money Comes Innuendo.

Three Years Ago I Came To Florida Without A Nickel In My Pocket. Now I've Got A Nickel In My Pocket

Military Intelligence Is A Contradiction In Terms.

You Can Leave In A Huff. Or You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff.

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

I'm Going To Iowa For An Award. Then I'm Appearing At Carnegie Hall, It's Sold Out. Then I'm Sailing To France To Be Honored By The French Government - I'd Give It All Up For One Erection.

Some People Claim That Marriage Interferes With Romance. There's No Doubt About It. Anytime You Have A Romance, Your Wife Is Bound To Interfere.

Hey You! I Told You To Slow That Nag Down! Because Of You, I Almost Heard The Opera!

I Don't Know. When I Was Born There Was A Nurse Taking Care Of Me." "what's The Matter? Couldn't The Nurse Take Care Of Herself?" "sure She Could. I Just Found That Out Too Late.

Don't Look Now, But There's One Too Many In This Room And I Think It's You.

Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

Practically Everybody In New York Has Half A Mind To Write A Book, And Does.

We Took Pictures Of The Native Girls, But They Weren't Developed. . . But We're Going Back Next Week.

If You Were A Man, You'd Go Into Business For Yourself. I Know A Fellow Who Started Out Last Year With Just A Canoe. Now He's Got More Women Than You Can Shake A Stick At, If That's Your Idea Of A Good Time.

With A Little Study You'll Go A Long Ways, And I Wish You'd Start Now

The First Thing Which I Can Record Concerning Myself Is, That I Was Born. These Are Wonderful Words. This Life, To Which Neither Time Nor Eternity Can Bring Diminution - This Everlasting Living Soul, Began. My Mind Loses Itself In These Depths.

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

Every Time Someone Turns On A Tv, I Go In The Other Room And Read.

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

Tv Is The Rat Race Of The Century.

In France, For Example, It Is Not Unusual For A Husband To Have A Wife And A Mistress. However, If In Addition To These Two He's Also Having A Fling With A Fringe Tootsie, Both The Wife And The Mistress Are Outraged And The Combination Lover, Husband, And Cheat May Well Wind Up With A Large French Bread Knife Between His Ribs.

I Must Confess, I Was Born At A Very Early Age.

Those Are My Principles, And If You Don't Like Them... Well, I Have Others.

Some Day There Will Have To Be Some New Rules Established About Name-calling. I Don't Mean The Routine Cursing That Goes On Between Husband And Wife, But The Naming Of Defenseless, Unsuspecting Babies.

A Black Cat Crossing Your Path Signifies That The Animal Is Going Somewhere.

I Don't Care To Belong To A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Only One Man In A Thousand Is A Leader Of Men -- The Other 999 Follow Women.

I Know, I Know - You're A Woman Who's Had A Lot Of Tough Breaks. Well, We Can Clean And Tighten Those Brakes, But You'll Have To Stay In The Garage All Night.

I've Met A Lot Of Pin-up Girls, But I've Never Been Able To Pin One Down

I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Until You Come Home.

I've Been Around So Long, I Knew Doris Day Before She Was A Virgin.

I Was Born At A Very Early Age. Before I Had Time To Regret It, I Was Four And A Half Years Old.

How Would You Like To Feel The Way She Looks?

He's So Full Of Alcohol, If You Put A Lighted Wick In His Mouth He'd Burn For Three Days.

The Foods That Are Recommended Today Are As Palatable As A Steady Diet Of Wet Blotters.

One Woman And One Man Might Have Been Ok In Your Grandmother's Day, But Who Wants To Marry Your Grandmother? Not Even Your Grandfather!

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

There's One Thing I Always Wanted To Do Before I Quit... Retire!

I Think That The Peeps Or Peppies Or Pipes Diaries Would Be Much More Popular Had There Been A Universal Pronuncation Of His Name.

Thirteen At A Table Is Unlucky Only, When The Hostess Has Only Twelve Chops.

Women Should Be Obscene, Not Heard.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

Any Place I Hang My Head Is Home.

Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman, Behind Her Is His Wife.

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

Anybody Who Doesn't Like This Book Is Healthy

I Wish To Be Cremated. One Tenth Of My Ashes Shall Be Given To My Agent, As Written In Our Contract.

I Shall Drink No #‎ Wine Before It's Time! Ok, It's Time.

The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract As The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract-- Look, Why Should We Quarrel About A Thing Like This? We'll Take It Right Out, Eh?

Firefly: Where Is Your Husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, He's Dead. Firefly: I'll Bet He's Just Using That As An Excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I Was With Him To The Very End. Firefly: Hmmph. No Wonder He Passed Away. Mrs. Teasdale: I Held Him In My Arms And Kissed Him. Firefly: Oh I See. Then, It Was Murder.

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