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Nobody Likes To Offer Stupidity As An Excuse.

-Mason Cooley

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Nobody Likes To Offer

Mason Cooley

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Nobody Likes To Offer Stupidity As An Excuse.

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Truth-telling Frightens Me. Lying Confuses Me.

Telling The Truth

I Enjoy My Rights, But I Revel In My Privileges.

Working Cuts Down On Both Folly And Wisdom.

Commerce Is Greedy. Ideology Is Blood-thirsty.

Suspense Combines Curiosity With Fear And Pulls Them Up A Rising Slope.

My Young Friend Supposes His Ingenuousness Is Merely A Ruse.

The Children Of Childish Parents Age Quickly.

Every Parent Can Imagine The Joys Of Child Abuse.

Metaphysics Keeps Surviving Its Obituaries.

Every Farewell Combines Loss And New Freedom.

In Ethics, Prudence Is Not An Important Virtue, But In The World It Is Almost Everything.

Young Poets Bewail The Passing Of Love; Old Poets, The Passing Of Time. There Is Surprisingly Little Difference.

Lovers Always Believe One Another's Sleight-of-hand Tricks.

My Secrets Are Petty But Humiliating.

Frivolous Sorrow Is Folly. Frivolous Enjoyment Is Not.

I Tried Good Taste, But The Strain Was Too Much For Me.

Aphorisms Have Never Seduced Anybody, But They Have Fooled Some Into Considering Themselves Worldly-wise.

Addicts Turn Their Pleasures Into Vengeful Gods.

Jargon Is Part Ceremonial Robe, Part False Beard.

My Father Liked To Moralize, And So Do I. But He Was In Earnest, While I Am Embarrassed And Pretend That I Am Merely Being Witty.

Never Invite To Dinner: Those Who Won't Decide Until The Last Minute; Those Who Come More Than Half An Hour Late; Those Who Want To Bring Along Two Or Three Friends; Drunks; Monologists; Those Who Stay Until Three O'clock In The Morning; Those Who Think That Conversation Means Having An Argument; Those Who Take A High Moral Tone; Those Who Are Stupid, Ugly, Or Dull. Enforcement Of These Rules Will Enable One To Eat Alone Every Night In Comfort.

When Love And Adventure Are Finished, It's Nice To Have Getting And Spending To Fall Back On.

Which Is The Supplement? Fantasy Or Daily Routine?

All History And Art Are Against Us, But We Still Expect Happiness In Love.

History And Art

True Wit Has A Grave Intention.

Aphorisms Know The Angles, But Not The Structure.

The Morose One Refuses To Smile Even When He Has Just Had His Teeth Cleaned.

The More Powerless People Are, The Longer They Are Kept Waiting.

Well-behaved: He Always Speaks As If His Mother Might Be Listening.

As Equality Increases, So Does The Number Of People Struggling For Predominance.

History Goes Out Of Control Almost As Often As Nature Does.

To Appear Well Dressed, Be Skinny And Tall.

Unlike Other Vices, Cruelty, Alas, Is Never Boring.

Methodology Is Applied Ideology.

In Love As In Art, Good Technique Helps.

An Omnipotent God Is The Only Being With No Reason To Lie.

Outside Books, We Avoid Colorful Characters.

Only The Broken-hearted Know The Truth About Love.

Fear Of Trying Causes Paralysis. Trying Causes Only Trembling And Sweating.

Contempt For Others, Like Masturbation, Is Best As A Secret Pleasure.

Sacred Texts Always Offend Reason.

By The Time I Have Clarified A Thought, I No Longer Want To Think It.

Errors Are More Numerous Than Truths, But Fortunately Too Divided Among Themselves To Take Power.

Literature May Be False, But It Is Not Trivial.

Treat Unhappiness As A Defect And Fewer Would Embrace It.

The Perfect Pleasure: Money Is Neither Fattening Nor Immoral Nor Illegal.

If The World Would Apologize, I Might Consider A Reconciliation.

Most People Find Just Being Themselves Not Enough Of A Show.

If You Belong To The Underclass, You Are Already Guilty.

Loving, Not The Beloved, Is The Joy Of Love. The Beloved, Knowing This, Most Resolutely Declines To Be Grateful.

Proverbial Wisdom Counsels Against Risk And Change. But Sitting Ducks Fare Worst Of All.

When Disaster Waves, I Try Not To Wave Back.

Procrastination Makes Easy Things Hard, Hard Things Harder.

Procrastination

Travelling Carries Me To The Surface, Away From The Deeps Of Home-thoughts.

Rule Of Art: Let Half-blind Purpose Lead You.

People Believe That Photographs Are True And Therefore Cannot Be Art.

Methodology Gives Those With No Ideas Something To Do.

The Aftermath Of Joy Is Not Usually More Joy.

Unemployment Diminishes People. Leisure Enlarges Them.

Complainers Change Their Complaints, But They Never Reduce The Amount Of Time Spent In Complaining.

A Modest Demeanor Arouses Thoughts Of Seduction.

I Can Imagine Many Things, But Few Clearly.

I Trust You Because I Need You.

Title Deeds Generally Outlast Poems.

Prudence Does Not Make People Happy; It Merely Deprives Them Of The Excitement Of Being Constantly In Trouble.

In Love, We Worry More About The Meaning Of Silences Than The Meaning Of Words.

Mortality: Not Acquittal But A Series Of Postponements Is What We Hope For.

I Am Too Impatient To Wait For Temptation To Come To Me.

Since Events Are Not Metaphors, The Literal-minded Have A Certain Advantage In Dealing With Them.

The Vices Of Youth Now Exceed My Powers, But Not My Fancy.

People Invent Gods To Explain Their Suffering.

If I Had Found The Words I Was Looking For, I Would Not Have Read So Much.

Anxiety And Lust Are Evicting The Older Passions.

Clouds Of Flavors And Savors Float Around The Thing-in-itself.

Understanding Replaces Imaginary Fears With Real Ones.

Insecurity Is Not Just A State Of Mind.

If Your Nose Is Up In The Air, You Cannot See Where You Are Going.

Envy Grieves. Jealousy Rages.

Lead The Reader Toward The Thought, Then Stop A Little Short.

The Aphorism Wants To Be At The Same Time Both Main Line And Off Beat.

When Money Disappears, We Soon Understand The Power Of Absence.

Dirty Old Men, Ignoring Society, Continue To Follow Nature.

Self-esteem Is Not Based On Itself.

Wisdom Is Dead. Long Live Information.

Boredom Turns To Panic If My Beloved Leaves Before The Usual Time.

Happiness Is Often Hard-hearted.

Old Photograph: Amid The Set Poses Of Her Family, A Young Girl Smiles And Raises Her Hand A Little.

Mistrust Makes Life Difficult. Trust Makes It Risky.

We Sometimes Find Truth, But More Often It Finds Us.

I Feel Affluent Or Not According To What Part Of Town I Am In.

With Age, I Have Become Both More Pious And More Shameless.

Outside Literature, High-flown Sentiments Are Merely Exasperating.

Ideologies Can Survive Hostility, But Not Indifference.

Of Course I Want To Be Good, But That May Not Be To Your Advantage.

Arrogance Rides Triumphantly Through The Gates, Barely Glancing At The Old Woman About To Cut The Rope And Spring Shut The Trap.

Cats Are Inquisitive, But Hate To Admit It.

The Realist Lies For Advantage. The Fantasist Lies To Give His Dreams A Flavor Of Reality.

Consciousness Is Our Only Reprieve From Time.

A Quiet Fool Can Go Undiscovered For A Long Time.

A Sentimental Aphorism Is Even More A Surprise Than A Hard- Boiled Sonnet.

I Do Not Regret The Folly Of My Youth, But The Timidity.

Arrogance Frowns; Pride Smiles.

Sleaze Is A Point By Point Refutation Of Elegance.

Forget What Hurt You But Never Forget What It Thaught You.

Other People's Beliefs May Be Myths, But Not Mine.

The Media: Bold Sex And Violence, Timid Politics And Morals.

Boredom, Not The Will, Is The Mother Of Change. Necessity Is The Father.

Regret For Wasted Time Is More Wasted Time

A Sheep Who Goes Looking For A Wolf Is Sure To Find One.

Life Just Keeps Unfolding, Ignoring Our Praise Or Blame.

Popular Culture Is Seductive; High Culture Is Imperious.

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Wisdom Has Lost Repute Because It So Often Applies To A State Of Affairs That No Longer Exists.

Self-reform Is The Only Kind That Works.

Young Men Preen. Old Men Scheme.

Even In Rapture, Part Of The Mind Watches.

Our Troubles Keep Us Going.

Writers Tell More Truths, And More Lies, Than Most.

Why Do We Never Expect Dull People To Be Rascals?

Some Marriages Depend On Domestic Arguments The Way The Courts Depend On Litigation.

After Rejection - Misery, Then Thoughts Of Revenge, And Finally, Oh Well, Another Try Elsewhere.

Lovers Never Want To Say "i Love You" At The Same Moment. Hence All The Love Stories.

To A Suicide: You Just Poisoned The Wrong Person.

Lovers Remain In The Dark, Working Hard To Keep Out Daylight.

God Improvises. Man Systematizes.

Nature Knows No Difference Between Weeds And Flowers.

Leisure Unmasks Our Weaknesses.

Eccentricity Is Originality That Leads Nowhere.

The Public Is A Hibernating Bear, Hard To Awaken And Fond Of Honey.

Radical Historians Now The Tell The Story Of Thanksgiving From The Point Of View Of The Turkey.

Excrement Can Never Be Culturally Elaborated To The Extent That Nutriment Can.

Vice Is A Dreary Business. And Virtue Is Not A Lot Of Fun, Either.

Show Enough Regret, And Your Refusal Will Inspire Gratitude.

Money Comes To Life As It Is Spent.

Stutters And Snorts Are Meaningful But Not Usually Referential.

To Jane Austen, Every Fool Is A Treasure Trove.

The Ravaged Face In The Mirror Hides The Enchanting Youth That Is The Real Me.

Not Even Self-love Can Always Be Counted On For Support.

If You Should Ever Acknowledge My Existence, I Plan To Snub You.

Children Enjoy Inflicting Pain Until Unhappiness Teaches Them Tenderness.

It's No Good Being Exclusive If Nobody Wants In.

Always Late: Thus I Make You The Prisoner Of My Freedom.

Losing Gracefully Is Commended But Never Chosen.

Either Offer Me Something I Really Like, Or Stop Trying To Tempt Me.

Dancers Dance Through Their Pain I Shrink From Mine.

Duty Is Whatever Opposes Inclination.

Comedy Defends The Commonplace; Tragedy Explodes It.

Robert Frost: Plain, Strong, Simple, And Mean.

The Passion For Money Is Never Fickle.

Self-analysis Always Cheats.

In The Labyrinth Of A Difficult Text, We Find Unmarked Forks In The Path, Detours, Blind Alleys, Loops That Deliver Us Back To Our Point Of Entry, And Finally The Monster Who Whispers An Unintelligible Truth In Our Ears.

Pity Drowns In Numbers.

Always Clamping Down On Excitement Is Not Self-control But Fear.

Your Love For Me Is Founded In A Sentiment. My Love For You Is Founded In The Body. A Precarious Interchange.

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Paradise Endangered: Garden Snakes And Mice Are Appearing In The Shadowy Corners Of Dutch Old Master Paintings.

The Sewing Machine Joins What The Scissors Have Cut Asunder, Plus Whatever Else Comes In Its Path.

Reading Gives Us Someplace To Go When We Have To Stay Where We Are.

Diplomats Lie With A Heavy Sense Of Destiny.

If A Problem Is Insoluble, It Is Necessity. Leave It Alone.

Our Civilization Is Shifting From Science And Technology To Rhetoric And Litigation.

Passion Impels Our Deeds; Ideology Supplies The Explanations.

Antagonistic Cooperation Is The Principle Of All Markets And Many Marriages.

Dutch Painting: Daily Life Is Enough.

Bad Faith Likes Discourse On Friendship And Loyalty.

My Taking A Seat On The Council Of The Fathers Caused A Desperate Fluttering Among My Ghosts.

Many Count On Their Disadvantages To Cover For Them.

When Love Ends, The Beloved Is No Longer Standing On A Pedestal, But In A Hole.

Habit Keeps My Life Going, With Occasional Pushes From Desire.

The Neuroses Parody The Virtues.

To Avoid Doing Anything, Wait For The Right Circumstances.

Lies Save Trouble Now, But May Return In Thunder And Lightning.

Against Classical Philosophy: Thinking About Eternity Or The Immensity Of The Universe Does Not Lessen My Unhappiness.

I Am No Longer In Love, But I Still Have My Jealousy.

Thinking About The Universe Has Now Been Handed Over To Specialists. The Rest Of Us Merely Read About It.

Modern Thought Does Not Offer Consolations, But Upsets.

Rereading, We Find A New Book.

Funerals Prove That Someone Is Really Gone.

The Aphorism Offers A Momentary Sense Of Mastery Over Some Confusion Or Unhappiness.

Women Encourage Men To Be Childish, Then Scold Them.

The Most Reliable Pleasure Afforded By Theater Is The Intermission.

Skepticism May Undermine Beliefs, But Never Belief.

Fear Regulates. Appetite Impels.

God Makes The Covenant, And Observes It As He Pleases.

Nudity Is The Costume Of Lovers And Corpses.

Experience Teaches Us, But We Scarcely Know What.

Everyone Makes Sexy Sounds; Relatively Few, Sexy Sights.

Clothes Make The Body Both Mysterious And Historical.

To Succeed, Find The Right Rut And Stay With It.

Most People See No Reason To Stop Arguing Just Because An Issue Has Been Decided.

I Read Less And Less. I Have Not Forgiven Books For Their Failure To Tell Me The Truth And Make Me Happy.

Friendship Is Love Minus Sex And Plus Reason. Love Is Friendship Plus Sex Minus Reason

The Lonely Become Either Thoughtful Or Empty.

Symbolism Erects A Facade Of Respectability To Hide The Indecency Of Dreams.

Magic Trick: To Make People Disappear, Ask Them To Fulfill Their Promises.

For Many, Immaturity Is An Ideal, Not A Defect.

Unconditional Love Is A Lofty Ideal, But Unconditional Hate Is A Fact Well Documented By History.

The Pointless Ferocities Of Intellectual Life Shock Businessmen, Who Kill Only To Eat.

Many Gloat Over Their Own Troubles.

Courage Overrides Self-doubt, But Does Not End It.

The Puritan Sours His Pleasures By Disguising Them As Duties.

In Conversation, Everyone Sits In Confident Judgment On The World.

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