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Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

-George Carlin

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Language Is The Most

George Carlin

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Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

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Where Ideas Are Concerned, America Can Be Counted On To Do One Of Two Things: Take A Good Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground, Or Take A Bad Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground.

Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

You Get To Play With People's Little Danger Zones.

Scratch Any Cynic And You Will Find A Disappointed Idealist.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

I Don't Care Much About The Outcome. I'd Like For People To Feel Better And Have Better Lives, But I Don't Think That's In The Cards Through Political Action. I Think Bloodshed Is Still The Way You Get Dramatic Change. That'll Never Happen Because They've Got All The Guns Now. At Least They've Got The Nice Guns, The Big Ones, The Ones With Night Vision.

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

Children Are Not Our Future, And I Can Prove It With My Usual, Flawless Logic. Children Can't Be Our Future, Because By The Time The Future Arrives, They Won't Be Children Anymore, So Blow Me!

Have You Ever Wondered Why Republicans Are So Interested In Encouraging People To Volunteer In Their Communities? It’s Because Volunteers Work For No Pay. Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Looking Back, I Realize That My Life Has Been A Series Of Incidents Where One Person Has Said To Another, "get This Asshole Outta Here!"

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

I Am Not A Complete Vegetarian. I Eat Only Animals That Have Died In Their Sleep.

I Don't Think Drugs Are A Problem; I Think They're A Symptom. As Long As Americans Are Empty, Spiritually, Emotionally, Morally Empty, They Will Need Things Like The Drugs They Choose To Use. Mankind Has Wanted To Change The Way It Felt From The Beginning Anyway. In This Country There Are Even More Reasons To Want To Feel Different, To Want To Feel Better, Because This Is Such A Neon Sewer. This Is Such A Degrading Culture. It Forces You To Play Beethoven To Your Child In The Uterus So That He Will Get Into A Better School And A Better Job And Make More Money So He Can Take Care Of You.

If God Created Everything, He's Got A Serious Quality Control Problem.

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

If A Word Is Misspelled In The Dictionary, How Would We Ever Know? If Webster Wrote The First Dictionary, Where Did He Find The Words? Why Is 'phonics' Not Spelled The Way It Sounds? How Come Abbreviated Is Such A Long Word?

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Catholics Are Against Abortions. Catholics Are Against Homosexuals. But, I Can't Think Of Anyone Who Has Less Abortions Than Homosexuals!

If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

They Say That Instead Of Cursing The Darkness, One Should Light A Candle. Nothing Is Mentioned, Though, About Cursing A Lack Of Candles.

Christian Deodorant: "thou Shalt Not Smell"

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

I Am A Personal Optimist But A Skeptic About All Else. What May Sound To Some Like Anger Is Really Nothing More Than Sympathetic Contempt. I View My Species With A Combination Of Wonder And Pity, And I Root For Its Destruction. And Please Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism; The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

I, Myself, Have Killed Six People. All Random, All Undetected, No Way To Trace Them To Me. And, Let Me Tell You, There's Nothin' Like It. It's A Great Feeling. Yeah, I Know, You're Thinking. 'aw, He's A Comedian. He's Just Sayin' That Stuff.' Good. That's Exactly What I Want You To Think.

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

You Ever Notice That? Any Time You See Two Groups Of People Who Really Hate Each Other, Chances Are Good They're Wearing Different Kind Of Hats. Keep An Eye On That, It Might Be Important.

I Did Lsd And Peyote In The Late Sixties, Before I Got Into Cocaine. That Was Concurrent With My Change From A Straight Comic To The Album And Counterculture Period, And Those Drugs Served Their Purpose. They Helped Open Me Up.

That's The Whole Meaning Of Life, Isn't It? Trying To Find A Place For Your Stuff.

Meaning Of Life

I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am... I Think.

The Class Clown Album Was Done Totally Sober. I'd Realized What A Hell I'd Made For Myself And I Cleaned Up Completely For Three Months. You Can Hear The Clarity Of My Thinking And Of My Speech On That Album.

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

My First Rule: I Don't Believe Anything The Government Tells Me.

I Don't Own A Camera, So I Travel With A Police Sketch Artist.

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

People Think Life Is Real Complicated. Actually, There's Nothing To It. Once You Leave Out All The Bullshit They Teach You In School, Life Gets Really Simple.

If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

I Think It's Important To Break Taboos For The Same Reason It's Important To Break Laws And Rules - Because Either You're A Slave To Them, Or You're Taking Matters Into Your Hands.

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

To Me, Authority Is Something That A Freer Spirit, A More Independent Mind, And A Person Who Can Handle The World, Doesn't Need Guidance From.

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe You Can

Every Time You Use The Phrase All My Life It Has A Different Meaning.

It Was Just A Compulsion. In Fact, I Soon Realized That The Only Thing I Really Enjoyed Was The Actual Snorting.

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

Religion Is Like A Pair Of Shoes.....find One That Fits For You, But Don't Make Me Wear Your Shoes.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

I Hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil Told Me To Express My Feelings, So I'm Expressing Them.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

What I Hated Most Was Seeing Those Priests And Brothers Getting So Much Pleasure Out Of Inflicting Pain. I Wondered What Was Wrong With Them.

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

This Country Was Founded By A Group Of Slave Owners Who Told Us That All Men Are Created Equal.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes.

Think Of How Strange We'd Look If All The Cuts, Burns, Scrapes, Bruises, Scratches, Bumps, Gashes, And Scabs We Ever Had Suddenly Reappeared On Our Bodies At The Same Time.

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

People Tell You To Have A Safe Trip, As If You Have Some Control Over It.

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

I Always Have These Little Internal Monologues. You'll Get Used To Them.

Why Do Croutons Come In Airtight Packages? It's Just Stale Bread To Begin With.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

Who Decides When The Applause Should Die Down? It Seems Like It's A Group Decision; Everyone Begins To Say To Themselves At The Same Time, "well, Okay, That's Enough Of That."

Religion Cruelly Exploits Our Need To Feel Connected.

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

A Lot Of The People Who Keep A Gun At Home For Safety Are The Same Ones Who Refuse To Wear A Seat Belt

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

Property Is Theft. Nobody "owns" Anything. When You Die, It All Stays Here.

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

Intelligence Tests Are Biased Toward The Literate.

You Become 21, You Turn 30, Then You're Pushing 40. Whoa! Put On The Brakes, It's All Slipping Away. Before You Know It, You Reach 50 And Your Dreams Are Gone.

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

In Terms Of Coke, The Only Money I Ever Thought About Was That Dollar Bill I Had Stuck Up My Nose.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark. Continued Dark Overnight, With Widely Scattered Light By Morning.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist.

Censorship That Comes From The Outside Assumes About People An Inability To Make Reasoned Choices.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

I Often Wonder How Different The World Would Be If Hitler Had Not Been Turned Down When He Applied To Art School.

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

The Larger The Group, The More Toxic, The More Of Your Beauty As An Individual You Have To Surrender For The Sake Of Group Thought. And When You Suspend Your Individual Beauty You Also Give Up A Lot Of Your Humanity. You Will Do Things In The Name Of A Group That You Would Never Do On Your Own. Injuring, Hurting, Killing, Drinking Are All Part Of It, Because You've Lost Your Identity, Because You Now Owe Your Allegiance To This Thing That's Bigger Than You Are And That Controls You.

When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

I Was Kind Of Sweet Kid, According My Mother, And My Recollections. Thoughtful And Good, But Kind Of Alone - Although I Didn't Interpret It That Way, As Such. Children Never Interpret These Things. They Think They Understand Logically.

I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

I Love My Family

I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

You Can't Be The Fastest Gun In Town Forever. There Comes A Time When You're Not The Golden Boy, And You Have To Go Off Somewhere And Figure Yourself Out.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer Survival

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

Like On The Airlines, They Say They Want To 'pre-board'. Well, What The Hell Is 'pre Board'? What Does That Mean? To Get On Before You Get On?

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

'i Am' Is Reportedly The Shortest Sentence In The English Language. Could It Be That 'i Do' Is The Longest Sentence?

I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

Test Of Metal: Will Of Iron, Nerves Of Steel, Heart Of Gold, Balls Of Brass.

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing A Person

I Don't Get All Choked Up About Yellow Ribbons And American Flags. I See Them As Symbols, And I Leave Them To The Symbol-minded.

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

Rhetoric Paints With A Broad Brush.

Next Time You See Someone Sleeping, Make Believe You're In A Science Fiction Movie. And Whisper, 'the Creature Is Regenerating Itself.'

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

I'll Tell You A Little Secret About The Blues: It's Not Enough To Know Which Notes To Play, You Have To Know Why They Need To Be Played.

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

Flowers Are One Of The Few Things We Buy, Bring Home, Watch Die, And We Don't Ask For Our Money Back.

Soft Rock Music Isn't Rock, And It Ain't Music. It's Just Soft. Reminds Me Of Something My Third-grade Teacher Said To Us. She Said, "you Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala."

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

It's All Bullshit, Folks And It's Bad For Ya.

The Truth Is, Pavlov's Dog Trained Pavlov To Ring This Bell Just Before The Dog Salivated.

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

Number One, One, One On Wonderful Wino.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

No Matter What You Do, No Matter How Hard You Try, You're Screwed Because It's All Fixed And Rigged. There Is A Club And You Ain't In It.

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

The Us Army Has Announced That Although It Is True They Performed Mind-destroying Drug Tests On Hundreds Of Soldiers In The 1960s, None Of The Victims Have Been Promoted Beyond The Rank Of Lieutenant Colonel.

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

The Radio Ad "hi, I'm Jeff Healey From The Jeff Healey Band. Don't Drink And Drive. I Don't". Well, I Hope You Don't Drive Sober Either Mr. Healey. You're Blind For God's Sake!

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

Life Is Not Measured By The Breaths You Take, But By The Moments That Take Your Breaths Away.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

You Take 5 White Guys And You Take 5 Black Guys And Put Em Together For A Week And What You Won't Have Is 5 Blacks Guys Talking Like, 'golly Gee, We Really Won That Big Basketball Game' But You Will Have 5 White Guys Talking Like 'yo Slick, Whuzzup...we Be Shootin Hoops And Mad Playin, Slammed Those Mofos

One Of The First Things They Teach You In Driver's Ed Is Where To Put Your Hands On The Steering Wheel. They Tell You Put 'em At Ten O'clock And Two O' Clock. Never Mind That . I Put Mine At 9:45 And 2:17. Gives Me An Extra Half Hour To Get Where I'm Goin'.

There Are Only Two Places In The World: Over Here And Over There.

When Will All The Rhetorical Questions End?

The Only Good Thing About Religion Is The Music. Because Nature Is Filled With Balances And Opposites, There Are Always Exceptions To The Overall Rules, Whether The Overall Rules Are Bleak Or Otherwise. If You Propound A Joyous Theory Of Existence, I Will Find An Exception To That. If I Propound A Bleak Theory, Someone Will Find A Joyous Exception. That's Just Nature Being Nature, I Think, And I Don't Think It Offers A Lot Of Hope. It's Sort Of A Respite Along The Way.

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

"fussy Eater" Is A Euphemism For "big Pain In The Ass."

The Planet Is Fine. The People Are F****d. Because Everyone Is Trying To Save The Planet. The Planet Doesn’t Need That. The Planet Will Take Care Of Itself. People Are Selfish. And That's What They're Doing Is Trying To Save The Planet For Themselves To Have A Nicer Place To Live.

What Wine Goes With Captain Crunch?

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

I Credit That Eight Years Of Grammar School With Nourishing Me In A Direction Where I Could Trust Myself And Trust My Instincts. They Gave Me The Tools To Reject My Faith. They Taught Me To Question And Think For Myself And To Believe In My Instincts To Such An Extent That I Just Said, "this Is A Wonderful Fairy Tale They Have Going Here, But It's Not For Me."

The Ending Of My Experience With Cocaine Came In A Periodic Way. I Would Get High Less Frequently, I Would Use Smaller Amounts, And I Would Do Coke For Less Periods Of Time. And That Process Just Kept Increasing And Increasing Until I Wasn't Using It At All. I Didn't Go On A Program Anywhere. I Didn't Join An Organization Or Detox Anywhere. I Just Slowly Tapered Off Until It Was Gone. That Was Also True Of My Heavy Pot Use. I Just Tapered Off Until There Was Almost No Use At All. And The Same Thing Was True Of Drinking Tons Of Beer.

The Baby Boomers: Whiny, Narcissistic, Self-indulgent People With A Simple Philosophy: "gimme That! It's Mine!"

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

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Ludovico Ariosto

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