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I Think If You Have A Comic Perspective, Almost Anything That Happens You Tend To Put Through A Comic Filter. It's A Way Of Coping In The Short Term, But Has No Long Term Effect And Requires Constant, Endless Renewal. Hence People Talk Of Comics Who Are "always On." It's Like Constantly Drugging Your Sensibility So You Can Get By With Less Pain.

-Woody Allen

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I Think If You

Woody Allen

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I Think If You Have A Comic Perspective, Almost Anything That Happens You Tend To Put Through A Comic Filter. It's A Way Of Coping In The Short Term, But Has No Long Term Effect And Requires Constant, Endless Renewal. Hence People Talk Of Comics Who Are "always On." It's Like Constantly Drugging Your Sensibility So You Can Get By With Less Pain.

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We Live In Far Too Permissive A Society. Never Before Has Pornography Been This Rampant. And Those Films Are So Badly Lit!

Subjectivity Is Objective.

Of All The Wonders Of Nature, A Tree In Summer Is Perhaps The Most Remarkable; With The Possible Exception Of A Moose Singing 'embraceable You' In Spats.

Rather Than Live On In The Hearts And Minds Of My Fellow Man, I Would Rather Live On In My Apartment.

In New York State They Have A Strange Law That Says You Can't Get A Divorce Unless You Can Prove Adultery - And It's Weird, Because The Ten Commandments Say 'thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.' But New York State Says You Have To. Well, Finally, What Happened Was That My Wife Committed Adultery For Me. She's Always Been More Mechanically Inclined Than I Have.

I Said This To My Daughter, If You Don't Practice The Guitar, When You Get Older You Wouldn't Be Able To Play It. It's That Simple. If You Want To Play The Guitar, You Put A Half Hour In Everyday, But You Have To Do It.

For Some Reason I've Always Had An Irrational Love For New York. There's No Reason That You Would Necessarily Like It On Paper. It's Very Expensive.

Your Audience Teaches You How To Be Funny.

The Most Important Words In The English Language Are Not 'i Love You' But 'it's Benign.'

Capital Punishment Would Be More Effective As A Preventive Measure If It Were Administered Prior To The Crime.

I've Never Had A Block. I'm Talking Within The Limits Of My Abilities. But In My Own Small Way, I've Had An Embarrassment Of Riches. I'll Have Five Ideas And I'm Dying To Do Them All. It Takes Weeks Or Months Where I Agonize And Obsess Over Which To Do Next. I Wish Sometimes Someone Would Choose For Me. If Someone Said, Do Idea Number Three Next, That Would Be Fine. But I Have Never Had Any Sense Of Running Dry.

You Can't Control Life. It Doesn't Wind Up Perfectly. Only-only Art You Can Control. Art And Masturbation. Two Areas In Which I Am An Absolute Expert.

Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Think I Can Get The Money To Make It Into A Concept, And Later Turn It Into An Idea.

I Didn't Believe In Reincarnation In My Past Life, And I Still Don't.

Hey Listen -- I've Proved A Lot Of Things. That's How I Pay My Rent. Theories And Little Observations. A Puckish Remark Now And Then. Occasional Maxims. It Beats Picking Olives, But Let's Not Get Carried Away.

One Man Starving Puts A Crimp In My Evening.

There Are Worse Things Than Death. Many Of Them Playing At A Theater Near You.

We Knew The Front Door Was Always Left Open, But We Broke In Just To Keep In Practice. Doxy Turned All The Washburn Family Photos To The Wall So There Wouldn't Be Any Witnesses.

All My Life Is Passing In Front Of My Eyes. The Worst Part Of It Is I'm Driving A Used Car.

I've Become The Person I've Always Hated, But I'm Happier.

This Is My Perspective And Has Always Been My Perspective On Life: I Have A Very Grim, Pessimistic View Of It. I Always Have, Since I Was A Little Boy. It Hasn't Gotten Worse With Age Or Anything. I Do Feel That It's A Grim, Painful, Nightmarish, Meaningless Experience, And That The Only Way That You Can Be Happy Is If You Tell Yourself Some Lies And Deceive Yourself.

Better Not Think Too Much. Relying More On The Body: It Is More Trustworthy.

You Look Up After Many Years And You Find That A Film Has Become A Classic Because It's Meaningful To People And Alive, Decade After Decade.

Sometimes Some Of The Best Moments Are Contributed By The Actors Being Creative, With Their Own Improvisations.

In Fact, When They Wake Up In The Morning, They're Jack Nicholson Or Robert De Niro Or Josh Brolin. And It's Built-in, But They Think It's All This Other Stuff. But It's Not. They'd Be Great If They Didn't Think About Their Part Or If They Did Think About It.

The Dictatorship Is Shut Up, Democracy Is Always Concerned.

Photons Have Mass? I Didn’t Even Know They Were Catholic.

As I Got More Confident, I Was Able To Let Actors Improvise, And Do Long Takes. It's 10%, 5% You Learn And Experience. The Rest You Just Have Or You Don't Have.

When You Start Putting A Higher Value On Works Of Art Than People, You’re Forfeiting Your Humanity.

Is Sex Dirty? Only When It's Being Done Right.

My Grandfather Was A Very Insignificant Man, Actually. At His Funeral His Hearse Followed The Other Cars.

I Wouldn't Necessarily Want To Be A Big Muscular Guy. It's Nice To Be Gorgeous Whether You're Male Or Female Assuming You Don't Lose Whatever Else You Have.

You Can Be Distracted By Your Love Life, By The Baseball Game, Movies, By The Nonsense. "can I Get My Kid Into This Private School? Can I Get This Girl To Go Out With Me Saturday Night? Am I Going To Get The Promotion In My Office?" All This Stuff, But In The End The Universe Burns Out. So I Think It's Completely Meaningless.

It Is No Secret That Organized Crime In America Takes In Over Forty Billion Dollars A Year. This Is Quite A Profitable Sum, Especially When One Considers That The Mafia Spends Very Little For Office Supplies.

Real Life Is Generally Much Duller And Inevitably Sadder, Most Of The Time. In Film, You Control Everything That's Going On, So You Can Indulge The Most Fantastic, Romantic, Escapist Feelings And Fantasies. You Can Do Anything You Want. That's Why It's Very Seductive And Pleasurable To Earn Your Living Making Movies Because You're Not Living In The Real World.

People Are Always Talking About The Dumbing Down Of The Country.

I've Always Been Interested In Being In Other People's Movies. I Never Get Any Offers.

If You Aren't Failing Every Now And Then, You're Probably Playing It Too Safe.

If You're Not Failing, You're Not Trying Anything.

Learning From Mistakes

You Always Think Another Time Would Have Been Ideal For You . . . The Reality Is There Was No Novocaine When You Went To The Dentist.

I Always Write The Same Way. I Always Write With A Yellow Pad And A Ballpoint Pen On My Bed. And Then I Go And Type It Up Afterwards. I've Always Done That. Those Things Become Habitual.

My Gift Was In Comedy. I Found Out I Could Make Jokes. I Could Tell Jokes. I Could Write Them. So Over The Years, That's What I've Done.

The Content Dictates The Style All The Time. That's The Way It Is. If The Content Of The Film - As In Husbands And Wives - Is Highly Jagged, Neurotic, Fast-paced, Nervous New York Film, It Just Called For That Kind Of Shooting, Editing And Performance.

I Took A Puff Of The Wrong Cigarette At A Fraternity Dance Once, And The Cops Had To Get Me, Y'know. I Broke Two Teeth Trying To Give A Hickie To The Statue Of Liberty.

I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know What I Don't Want

All Literature Is A Footnote To Faust. I Have No Idea What I Mean By That.

Don't Think Of Death As An Ending. Think Of It As A Really Effective Way Of Cutting Down Your Expenses.

Existence For Eternity Could Get A Little Boring... Especially Towards The End.

The Prettiest Women Are Almost Always The Most Boring, And That Is Why Some People Feel There Is No God.

There Is No God

My Grammy Never Gave Gifts, You Know. She Was Too Busy Getting Raped By Cossacks.

Sex And Death. Two Things That Come But Once In My Lifetime, But At Least After Death You're Not Nauseous.

You Know What My Philosophy Of Life Is? That It’s Important To Have Some Laughs, But You Got To Suffer A Little Too, Because Otherwise You Miss The Whole Point To Life.

There's Nothing Like The Discovery Of An Unknown Work By A Great Thinker To Set The Intellectual Community Atwitter And Cause Academics To Dart About Like Those Things One Sees When Looking At A Drop Of Water Under A Microscope.

Where Did We Come From? Where Are We Going? Is There Possibility Of A Group Discount?

Sometimes The Critics Will Like A Film, And The Public Doesn't Come. Sometimes The Critics Won't Like The Film, And The Public Will Come. It's Completely Spontaneous. It's A Hazard.

For Some Reason It Gives People Pleasure To Equate The Life Of Certain Movie Actors Or Actresses With Their Actual Lives.

I Don't Rely On Anybody Except My Own Judgment. I Don't Get Much Input. I Don't Know If That's Helped Me Or If I Would Be Better Off If I Did Rely On Someone.

Real Software Engineers Don't Debug Programs, They Verify Correctness. This Process Doesn't Necessarily Involve Execution Of Anything On A Computer, Except Perhaps A Correctness Verification Aid Package. Sex Without Love Is An Empty Experience, But, As Empty Experiences Go, It's One Of The Best.

The Heart Wants What It Wants.

Inspirational Love

I Don't Believe In Competition For Artistic Things. I Just Like The Atmosphere Of The Cannes Festival. I Don't Want To Win Anything Or Lose Anything.

Believing Would Be Easier If God Would Show Himself By Depositing A Million Dollars In A Swiss Bank Account In My Name

When You Make The Film, It's Like A Chef Who Works On The Meal. After You're Working All Day In The Kitchen And Dicing And Cutting And Putting The Sauces On, You Don't Want To Eat It. That's How I Always Feel About The Films. I Work On It For A Year. I've Written It, I've Worked With The Actors, I've Edited, Put The Music In. I Just Never Want To See It Again.

Everything In Life Turns Out To Be A Distraction From The Real Thing You Want To Do. There Are A Million Distractions And When I Was A Kid I Was Very Disciplined. I Knew That The Other Kids Weren't. I Was The One Able To Do The Thing, Not Because I Had More Talent, Maybe Less, But Because They Simply Weren't Applying Themselves.

There's Something About My Films; They're Informed By My Sensibility. I Have The Same Preoccupations, The Same Interests... There's Just Something In The Nuance, And So You Always Know It's A Film Of Mine Whether I Sign My Name To It Or Not.

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I Think If You Have A Comic Perspective, Almost Anything That Happens You Tend To Put Through A Comic Filter. It's A Way Of Coping In The Short Term, But Has No Long Term Effect And Requires Constant, Endless Renewal. Hence People Talk Of Comics Who Are "always On." It's Like Constantly Drugging Your Sensibility So You Can Get By With Less Pain.

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If The [actors] Are Working, And I Have A Dinner Engagement, I Don't Do 20 Takes. I Do Five Takes And Go Home. I Want To Go To Dinner.

Change Is Almost Always Negative. Things Degenerate.

All I Have In My Life Is My Imagination

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Psychoanalyses Is Like Music Lessons, For 5 Years You Do Not Notice Any Progress And Suddenly You Can Play The Piano.

The Universe Is Merely A Fleeting Idea In God's Mind -- A Pretty Uncomfortable Thought, Particularly If You've Just Made A Down Payment On A House.

Men Learn To Love The Woman They Are Attracted To. Women Learn To Become Attracted To The Man They Fall In Love With.

Falling In Love

In Perpetrating A Revolution, There Are Two Requirements: Someone Or Something To Revolt Against And Someone To Actually Show Up And Do The Revolting. Dress Is Usually Casual And Both Parties May Be Flexible About Time And Place, But If Either Faction Fails To Attend, The Whole Enterprise Is Likely To Come Off Badly.

I'm A Nice Person! I Have Healthy Life Drives And Goals! I Don't Drink, I Don't Smoke. I Would Never Force Myself Sexually On A Blind Person!

I Think Frank Capra Was A Much Craftier Filmmaker, A Wonderful Filmmaker. He Had Enormous Technique, And He Knew How To Manipulate The Public Quite Brilliantly.

Most Of The Time I Don't Have Much Fun. The Rest Of The Time I Don't Have Any Fun At All.

Bisexuality Immediately Doubles Your Chances For A Date On Saturday Night.

I Can't Understand Why More People Aren't Bisexual. It Would Double Your Chances For A Date On Saturday Night.

I Didn't Know He Was Dead; I Thought He Was British.

I Am Plagued By Doubts.

Because It's Much More Pleasant To Be Obsessed Over How The Hero Gets Out Of His Predicament Than It Is Over How I Get Out Of Mine.

A Deranged Person Is Supposed To Have The Strength Of Ten Men. I Have The Strength Of One Small Boy... With Polio.

They Were Doing The Dying Swan At The Ballet. And There Was A Rumor That Some Bookmarkers Had Drifted Into Town From Upstate New York And That They Had Fixed The Bullet. There Was A Lot Of Money Bet On The Swan To Live.

Every Hooker I Ever Speak To Tells Me That It Beats The Hell Out Of Waitressing.

Everyone Wants To Get Out Of Living Where They're Living Now, Because Life Is A Pretty Tough Proposition And Not Much Fun. But When You Think Back To Earlier Times, You Only Extrapolate The Nice Things.

As An Artist, You Are Always Striving Toward An Ultimate Achievement But Never Seem To Reach It. You Shoot A Film, And The Result Could Have Always Been Better. You Try Again, And Fail Once More. In Some Ways I Find It Enjoyable. You Never Lose Sight Of Your Goal. I Don’t Do My Job To Make Money Or To Break Box Office Records, I Simply Try Things Out. What Would Happen If I Were To Achieve Perfection At Some Point? What Would I Do Then?

There's Nothing Sexier Than A Lapsed Catholic.

You're A Genius! And The Proof Is That Both Common People And Intellectuals Find Your Work Completely Incoherent.

Harvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. Kissinger Taught There.

Well, Trouble's My Middle Name. Actually, My Middle Name Is Marion, But I Don't Want You Spreading That Around.

My Heart Says One Thing. My Head Says Another. Very Hard To Get Your Heart And Head Together In Life.

Those Modern Analysts, They Charge So Much! In My Day, For Five Marks Freud Himself Would Treat You. For Ten Marks He Would Treat You And Press Your Pants. For Fifteen Marks Freud Would Let You Treat Him - That Included A Choice Of Any Two Vegetables.

I Tended To Place My Wife Under A Pedestal.

I Love Baseball. You Know, It Doesn’t Have To Mean Anything. It’s Just Very Beautiful To Watch.

I've Often Felt That Life Is A Hard Deal And It's Unrelentingly Tragic And An Uphill Fight.

A Wife Lasts Only For The Length Of The Marriage, But An Ex-wife Is There For The Rest Of Your Life.

Life Is A Concentration Camp. You're Stuck Here And There's No Way Out And You Can Only Rage Impotently Against Your Persecutors.

If You're Not Failing Every Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Not Doing Anything Very Innovative.

Students Achieving Oneness Will Move On To Twoness.

As The Poet Said, 'only God Can Make A Tree,' Probably Because It's So Hard To Figure Out How To Get The Bark On.

Your Still Searching For Me In Every Woman. You'll Always Seek To Duplicate What We Had. You Know It.

But What If Everyone In The World Behaved Like Me And Came Here And Shot Brisseau Through The Ear? What A Mess! And Of Course We'd Need Valet Parking.

Why Not? Life Is Short, Life Is Dull, Life Is Full Of Pain - And This Is A Chance For Something Special.

In Life, One Is Entitled To A Side Dish Of Either Coleslaw Or Potato Salad, And The Choice Must Be Made In Terror, With The Knowledge That Not Only Is Our Time On Earth Limited But Most Kitchens Close At Ten.

During The Course Of The Year A Number Of Ideas Just Come Up Automatically. I Could Be Walking Down The Street. Or Shaving. An Idea Will Hit Me And I'll Write It Down. Then, When I'm Ready To Write, I Check My Little Matchbooks And Napkins And Find That It Is Good Or It's Pretty Terrible. There Are Other Times When I Don't Have Any Ideas And I'll Go Into A Room And Close The Door And I Sit And Sweat It Out For A Day Or A Month And Eventually I Come Up With [something].

People Ask Me Whether I Think That One Day I Might Wake Up One Morning And Run Dry, But I've Had The Opposite Feeling - That I Would Die Before I Had Time To Write All The Ideas In My Drawer.

How Wrong Emily Dickinson Was! Hope Is Not "the Thing With Feathers." The Thing With Feathers Has Turned Out To Be My Nephew. I Must Take Him To A Specialist In Zurich.

Well, If I Don't Get At Least 16 Hours, I'm A Basket Case.

This Stuff Tastes Awful; I Could Have Made A Fortune Selling It In My Health-food Store.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives.

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They Aren't Out To Get You.

It's Very Hard To Keep Your Spirits Up. You've Got To Keep Selling Yourself A Bill Of Goods, And Some People Are Better At Lying To Themselves Than Others. If You Face Reality Too Much, It Kills You.... You've Got To Find An Answer To The Question: Why Go On?

No Matter What You Do There Will Be Critics.

I Had A Mad Impulse To Throw You Down On The Lunar Surface And Commit Interstellar Perversion With You.

Nietzsche Says That We Will Live The Same Life, Over And Over Again. God - I'll Have To Sit Through The Ice Capades Again.

You Will Notice That What We Are Aiming At When We Fall In Love Is A Very Strange Paradox. The Paradox Consists Of The Fact That, When We Fall In Love, We Are Seeking To Re-find All Or Some Of The People To Whom We Were Attached As Children. On The Other Hand, We Ask Our Beloved To Correct All Of The Wrongs That These Early Parents Or Siblings Inflicted Upon Us. So That Love Contains In It The Contradiction: The Attempt To Return To The Past And The Attempt To Undo The Past.

Falling In Love

At The Trial Stubbs Chose To Act As His Own Lawyer, But A Conflict Over His Fee Led To Ill Feelings.

There's No Point In Looking Back, Because There's Nothing You Can Really Do To Improve The Film. You Can Only Aggravate And Wish You Had Done Stuff Better.

I Read In Self-defense.

You Use Sex To Express Every Emotion Except Love.

Marriage? That's For Life! It's Like Cement!

Time Is Nature's Way Of Keeping Everything From Happening At Once.

I Don't Get Depressed; I Grow A Tumor Instead.

Show Business Is Dog Eat Dog. It's Worse Than Dog Eat Dog. It's Dog Doesn't Return Dog's Phone Calls.

The Study Of Economy Usually Shows Us That The Best Time For Purchase Was Last Year.

I'm Not Anti-social. I'm Just Not Social.

Some Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him, 'be Fruitful And Multiply,' But Not In Those Words.

If My Films Don't Show A Profit, I Know I'm Doing Something Right.

I Had An Iq Test. The Results Came Back Negative.

The Difference Between Sex And Death Is, Death You Can Do Alone And Nobody Laughs At You.

But It Was I - Yes I - Who Discovered The Link Between Excessive Masturbation And Entry Into Politics!

It Is Impossible To Experience One's Death Objectively And Still Carry A Tune.

Is Knowledge Knowable? If Not, How Do We Know?

When I Was Born My Mother Was Terribly Disappointed. Not That She Wanted A Girl - She Wanted A Divorce.

It Figures You've Got To Hate Yourself If You've Got Any Integrity At All.

Reality May Not Be The Best Of All Possible Worlds, But It's Still The Only Place Where You Can Get A Decent Steak.

Dying Is Like Making Love, Except You Don't Get Naseous Afterwards.

I Usually Want To Crawl Into The Ground After I Make A Film, Almost Invariably.

If Only God Would Give Me Some Clear Sign! Like Making A Large Deposit In My Name At A Swiss Bank.

Everybody Knows How Awful The World Is And What A Terrible Situation It Is And Each Person Distorts It In A Certain Way That Enables Him To Get Through. Some People Distort It With Religious Things. Some People Distort It With Sports, With Money, With Love, With Art, And They All Have Their Own Nonsense About What Makes It Meaningful, And All But Nothing Makes It Meaningful. These Things Definitely Serve A Certain Function, But In The End They All Fail To Give Life Meaning And Everyone Goes To His Grave In A Meaningless Way.

Men Would Make Love With Any Number Of Women ... Even Total Strangers, While Females Were Selective. They Were Catering To The Demands Of One Small Egg. While Males Had Millions Of Frantic Sperms Screaming: "let Us Out, Let Us Out!".

The Last Time I Was Inside A Woman Was When I Went To The Statue Of Liberty.

[...] I've Come To The Conclusion That The Artist Can Not Justify Life Or Come Up With A Cogent Reason As To Why Life Is Meaningful, But The Artist Can Provide You With A Cold Glass Of Water On A Hot Day.

Until You've Been Kissed On A Rainy Parisian Afternoon - You've Never Been Kissed.

Never Been Kissed

I Was Thrown Out Of College For Cheating On The Metaphysics Exam; I Looked Into The Soul Of The Boy Sitting Next To Me.

As The Author You Know How You Want It To Appear On Screen And It's Always The Content Dictating The Form.

All Over The World, Relationships Between Men And Women Are Very, Very Tricky And Very Difficult And You Don't Learn Anything. It's Not An Exact Science, So You Can't Learn Anything. You're Always Going By Instinct And Your Instinct Betrays You Because You Want What You Want When You Want It.

I Don't Want To Be Immortal Through My Works. I Want To Be Immortal By Not Dying.

A Fast Word About Oral Contraception. I Was Involved In An Extremely Good Example Of Oral Contraception Two Weeks Ago. I Asked A Girl To Go To Bed With Me, She Said 'no'.

I'm Going To My Psychoanalyst One More Year, Then I'm Going To Lourdes.

Pale, Nervous Girls With Black-rimmed Glasses And Blunt-cut Hair Lolled Around On Sofas, Riffling Penguin Classics Provocatively. [...] But It Wasn’t Just Intellectual Experiences—they Were Peddling Emotional Ones, Too. For Fifty Bucks, I Learned, You Could “relate Without Getting Close.” For A Hundred, A Girl Would Lend You Her Bartok Records, Have Dinner, And Then Let You Watch While She Had An Anxiety Attack.

I Have A Great Admiration For English Actors And Actresses And Have Used Them At Every Opportunity Over The Years, But Now I Won't Have To Import Them To New York.

There's No Rhyme Or Reason To Anything That I Do. It's Whatever Seems Right At The Time.

Science Is An Intellectual Dead End, You Know? It's A Lot Of Little Guys In Tweed Suits Cutting Up Frogs On Foundation Grants.

Raised By Two Mothers...wow, Most Of Us Barely Survive One

Some Of The Best Memories Of My Childhood That I Have Are The Times That I Played Hooky From School So I Could Spend My Days In The Public Library Reading All The Wonderful Books At My Disposal.

The Only Thing That Does Change, To Some Degree, Is [that] You Have Some Life Experiences, You Suffer A Certain Amount And You Incorporate That Into Your Work. Not In The Content Of Your Work, But In The Sensibility Of Your Work. It's Nothing That You Try And Do; It Just Happens. And If You're Lucky, People Buy Tickets To See It, And If You're Not Lucky, [then] They Don't Like It. But That's All.

There Are Drawbacks In Being Famous Too, But You Can Live With Those. They're Not Life-threatening. If The Paparazzi Are Outside Your Restaurant Or Your House - And Actors Make Such A Big Thing Of It And Scurry Into Cars And Drape Things - You Think They're Going To Be Crucified Or Something. It's Not A Big Deal. You Can Get Used To That. It's Not So Terrible.

When I'm Writing Something, If There's A Part That's Good For Me, Then I'll Play It. Otherwise, I Don't. And I Notice That There Are Less And Less Parts For Me In My Own Writing.

The Food Here Is Terrible, And The Portions Are Too Small.

This Guy Goes To A Psychiatrist And Says, Doc, My Brother’s Crazy. He Thinks He’s A Chicken. The Doctor Says, Well, Why Don’t You Turn Him In? And The Guy Says, I Would But I Need The Eggs. Well I Guess That’s Pretty Much How I Feel About Relationships. You Know They’re Totally Irrational And Crazy And Absurd But I Guess We Keep Going Through It Because, Uh, Most Of Us Need The Eggs.

I Can Levitate Birds. No One Cares.

I'm A Terrible Musician. While The Band Members Are Great, I'm Tolerated And Affectionately Regarded Because I Do Movies, But If I Had To Make My Living As A Musician I Would Starve. I'm Like A Sunday Tennis Player.

I Always Feel The Cynicism Is Reality With Maybe An Alternate Spelling Or Something Because I Feel That I Have Real Perspective On This Particular Issue Of Punishment In Society.

You Make A Film And Always Hope You're Going Make "citizen Kane" Or "the Bicycle Thief." You Make The Film, And For One Reason Or Another, One Clicks And One Doesn't, But It's Out Of Your Control Completely.

I Don't Know The Question, But Sex Is Definitely The Answer.

Humorists Always Sit At The Children's Table.

Let's Say There Was A Burning Building And You Could Rush In And You Could Save Only One Thing: Either The Last Known Copy Of Shakespeare's Plays Or Some Anonymous Human Being. What Would You Do?

The Best Things In Life Are Censored.

Best Things In Life

What Advice Would I Give The Average Homeowner To Protect Himself Against Burglars? Well, The First Thing Is To Keep A Light On In The House When You Go Out. It Must Be At Least A Sixty-watt Bulb; Anything Less And The Burglar Will Ransack The House, Out Of Contempt For The Wattage.

While We're Waiting For A Cab I'll Give You Your Lesson For Today. Don't Listen To What Your Teachers Tell Ya, You Know. Don't Pay Attention. Just, Just See What They Look Like And That's How You'll Know What Life Is Really Gonna Be Like.

I'd Like To Make A Great Movie. I've Made Many Movies. I Think I've Made Some Good Movies, But I Never Felt I've Made A Great Movie.

Showing Up Is 80 Percent Of Life.

I Should Have Known Something Was Wrong With My First Wife. When I Brought Her Home To Meet My Parents, They Approved Of Her.

My Wife And I Thought We Were In Love, But It Turned Out To Be Benign

If I Was To See Any Of My Films Now I Would Feel, Oh God You Know It's Awful I Could Do That So Much Better Now. Look At All The Terrible Things I Did And All The Mistakes And All The Compromises And All The Blunders I Made, And It Would Be Such A Terrible Experience For Me To See Them. So It's Better That I Put It Out And Move On To The Next Thing And Make It History As Quickly As Possible.

And Nietzche, With His Theory Of Eternal Recurrence. He Said That The Life We Lived We're Going To Live Over Again The Exact Same Way For Eternity. Great. That Means I'll Have To Sit Through The Ice Capades Again.

I Myself Don't Like To Speak To The Actors At All. I Like To Hire Great People And Let Them Do Their Thing. I Don't Like To Speak To Them. I Don't Like To Have Lunch With Them. I Don't Like To Socialize With Them. I Don't Like To Hear Their Ideas.

In My Next Life I Want To Live Backwards. Start Out Dead And Finish Off As An Orgasm.

When You Write The Script, You're Home In A Room By Yourself, And You're Writing, And There's No Connection With The Real Performing World. So You Get A Lot Of Things Wrong And Make A Lot Of Mistakes And Make A Lot Of Bad Choices.

I Believe That Sex Is A Beautiful Thing Between Two People. Between Five, It's Fantastic.

My Wife Is Immature. Whenever I Take A Bath, She Sinks My Boats.

I Have A Number Of Symptoms That Are Neurotic And Are Constricting In The Sense That If I Had A Brilliant Idea For A Film That Had To Be Shot In Tulsa, Ok I Would Tear It Up And Throw It Away. Anything Outside Of New York, 'cause I Can't Exist In A Hotel Outside Of My Own Home, I Have To Be In My Own Home And My Own Environment. This Is A Neurotic Symptom That Is Constricting To My Work Even.

I Keep Getting More And More Ambitious. Over The Years, To Some Degree, In Some Areas, I Feel I've Grown. In Some Areas, I Made A Fool Of Myself. In Some Areas, I Think I Can Still Do Some Funny Things.

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He's A Politician. That's A Notch Below Child Molester.

I Was In Analysis. I Was Suicidal. As A Matter Of Fact, I Would Have Killed Myself, But I Was In Analysis With A Strict Freudian And If You Kill Yourself They Make You Pay For The Sessions You Miss.

In Short, The Best Thing To Do Is Behave In A Manner Befitting One's Age. If You Are Sixteen Or Under, Try Not To Go Bald.

Cynicism Is Reality With An Alternate Spelling.

Just Don't Take Any Class Where You Have To Read Beowulf.

What Do I Dislike About Death? Must Be The Hours.

Sentence Structure Is Innate, But Whining Is Acquired.

I Have One Last Request. Don't Use Embalming Fluid On Me; I Want To Be Stuffed With Crab Meat.

I Can't Minimize The Terror Factor. As You Get Older You Get More And More Frightened Because The Terrible Indignities Of Old Age Become Closer To You.

Dying Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Lying Down.

If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans.

I Am Two With Nature.

Talent Is Luck. The Important Thing In Life Is Courage.

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