Background Image

...

Free Cable Is The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.

-Jim Carrey

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Free Cable Is The

Jim Carrey

...

Free Cable Is The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.

Views: 7

Topic

More From Jim Carrey

I've Never Been One To Sit Back And Go, 'i'd Better Do What The Audience Wants Me To Do, Because I Don't Want To Lose Them.'

Most Of The Time I Live With My Pain. I Have Pain But I Won't Show It Around. I Think That's The Nobility Of The Character. There's Something Noble In Not Spewing On People All The Time About Your Problems. I'm The Light Guy, So I Identified.

I Don't Remember Yesterday. I Pretty Much Live In The Moment.

Live In The Moment

Take A Chance On Faith - Not Religion, But Faith. Not Hope, But Faith. I Don’t Believe In Hope. Hope Is A Beggar. Hope Walks Through The Fire. Faith Leaps Over It.

I Would Challenge Anybody In Their Darkest Moment To Write What They're Grateful For, Even Stupid Little Things Like The Green Grass That Made Them Feel Good, The Friendly Conversation They Had With Somebody On An Alevator. You Start To Realize How Rich You Are.

Everybody Expects The Fairy Tale - You're Going To Be Together Forever With Somebody. I Don't Really Subscribe To That. I'd Love That To Happen If That Happened, But Ten Years Is Enough. Ten Years Is A Good Thing With Somebody, I Think. It's A Nice Thing. A Lot Of Good Love Can Happen In Ten Years.

I Said Yes To So Many Things, From A Sex Change To Gastric By-pass Surgery, So It's Always Paid Off For Me.

My Life Is Not Unlike Truman's. I Can't Go Anywhere.

Comedy Started Out As My Hobby And Then It Became My Profession. It's Like Being On Call All The Time, Like Having A Built-in Beeper. You Can't Just Leave The Office And Relax Because You Never Know When You'll Think Of Something Funny.

It's Our Intention. Our Intention Is Everything. Nothing Happens On This Planet Without It. Not One Single Thing Has Ever Been Accomplished Without Intention.

Heaven Is On The Other Side Of That Feeling You Get When You’re Sitting On The Couch And You Get Up And Make A Triple-decker Sandwich. It’s On The Other Side Of That, When You Don’t Make The Sandwich. It’s About Sacrifice... It’s About Giving Up The Things That Basically Keep You From Feeling. That’s What I Believe, Anyway. I’m Always Asking, "what Am I Going To Give Up Next?" Because I Want To Feel.

You Are Ready And Able To Do Beautiful Things In This World....you Will Only Ever Have Two Choices: Love Or Fear. Choose Love, And Don’t Ever Let Fear Turn You Against Your Playful Heart.

All There Will Ever Be Is What's Happening Here. Decisions We Make In This Moment Are Based On Either Love Or Fear. So Many Of Us Choose Our Path Out Of Fear, Disguised As Practicality.

Decisions We Make

I Wrote Myself A Check For Ten Million Dollars For Acting Services Rendered And Dated It Thanksgiving 1995. I Put It In My Wallet And It Deteriorated. And Then, Just Before Thanksgiving 1995, I Found Out I Was Going To Make Ten Million Dollars For Dumb & Dumber. I Put That Check In The Casket With My Father Because It Was Our Dream Together.

I'm Always Trying To Complicate Things. For Some Reason I'll Go, "well, Maybe I Can Get That In," And Stuff Like That. I Always Make It Really Hard For Myself.

My Report Card Always Said, 'jim Finishes First And Then Disrupts The Other Students'.

I Don't Believe In This Fairy Tale Of Staying Together For Ever. Ten Years With Somebody Is Enough. In Ten Years, You Can Give A Lot Of Love.

I Don't Think Anybody Should Go Through Life Without A Team Of Psychologists. I Have Been Through Times When I'm Literally Squatting In The Living Room, Having One Of Those Open-throated Cries, Where You're Crying All The Way To Your Butthole. I Always Believed I Would Come Out Of It, Though.

But I Refuse To Believe That I Am A Better Actor Than Myself.

I Just Love To Skate. When I Put A Skate On The Ice, I'm Free From The World, And I Have No Problems At All. I Am A Bird!

Madness Is Never That Far Away. It's As Close As Saying Yes To The Wrong Impulse.

Fear Is Going To Be A Player In Your Life, But You Get To Decide How Much.

I Was On Prozac For A Long Time. It May Have Helped Me Out Of A Jam For A Little Bit, But People Stay On It Forever.

You Know, I Live A Monastic Lifestyle. No, I Do. I Do Live In Extremes, Basically. I Go Back And Forth. Once Every Six Months, I'll Have A Day Where I Eat More Chocolate Than Has Ever Been Consumed By A Human Being.

For The Most Sensitive Among Us The Noise Can Be Too Much.

When I Started Out. I'd Drive A Hundred Miles To Do My Act For Free.

My Focus Is To Forget The Pain Of Life. Forget The Pain, Mock The Pain, Reduce It. And Laugh.

I Used To Draw A Lot. If My Mother Would Ask Me To Do Something Else, I'd Have A Hairy Conniption. I'd Just Go Crazy.

Hope Walks Through The Fire. Faith Leaps Over It.

Movies Find Me, And I Kind Of Just Allow Them To Find Me.

I Don't Feel Any Pressure To Be Funny At All. I'm Funny Because I Want To Be Funny. I Could Sit Here And Be Serious For An Hour And You Would Go Away And Make Me Much Funnier Than I Am.

The Inner Child Runs Rampant. They're Just Smaller, That's All.

It's Always Good I Think In General To Have Different Energies On Screen, Like It's Nice To Have Different Characters Go At Different Speeds, Just Like Different People Work At Different Speeds.

My Social Life Goes In Bursts, Where I Get Like, "oh, I Gotta Get Out And Do Something, Man, I Gotta Do Something." And I'll Plan A Trip And Go On A Motorcycle Trip Down The Baja Peninsula For 900 Miles And I'll Hang Out With My Friends For Like A Month, And Then They'll Never See Me For Two Months Or Three Months Or Whatever, And I Won't Answer Any Calls.

I Think Obsessions Happen Because You're Trying To Understand Something Or Some Urge.

My Mother Was A Professional Sick Person; She Took A Lot Of Pain Pills. There Are Many People Like That. It's Just How They Are Used To Getting Attention. I Always Remember She's The Daughter Of Alcoholics Who'd Leave Her Alone At Christmas Time.

One Of My Mission Statements With All Of My Art Has Been To Stop The World For People. I Want To Stop The Worrying And Stop The World.

Movies Are Great, But The Real Romance Happens Right Here Somewhere As Real Close-up. Either You're The One Erasing Or You're The One Being Erased, So... It's Not A Pleasant Feeling!

I Just Wanna Hang Out. No Big Deal!

Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I Am Made Of Stone.

Funny Motivational

Usually You Regret The Things You Say No To.

I Refuse To Feel Guilty. I Feel Guilty About Too Much In My Life But Not About Money. I Went Through Periods When I Had Nothing, So Somebody In My Family Has To Get Stinkin' Wealthy.

When The First Big Paycheque With 'dumb And Dumber' Hit, I Went: 'gosh, I Wonder If This Will Affect My Performance. Will I Do A Take And Think, Was That Worth $7 Million?' But That Never Happened. If Anything, It Made Me Rebel Against That Thing When People Who Get Rich Start Playing It Safe.

The Purpose Of Art Is To Bring People Into Presence.

I Always Have Been Introspective, Since I Was A Little Kid, Since I Could Remember, I Was Sitting In A Closet Trying To Write Out The Meaning Of The Universe. That's Been My Whole Life.

My Dad Was Like A Stage Mother He Always Pushed Me To Do What I Wanted.

I'm The First To Admit This Whole Salary Thing Is Getting Out Of Control. In The Final Analysis, It's Still About The Work.

I Think That There's A Natural Attraction To Enigmatic Characters, People That Have Decided To Make A Decision In Their Lives To Live Differently Than Everyone Else. That's A Very Attractive Quality That Also Happens To Be Good For Filmmaking, People That Have Their Own Point Of View And Aren't Looking At Things The Same Way As Everyone Else.

I Really Have Always Thought Of Myself As Somebody Who Lives In The Middle Of The Wheel And Is Able To Go To The Extreme, To The Outside Of The Wheel In Any Direction. The Best Case Scenario For Me Is To Be Able To Be Centered And Then Go Out.

I'm A Hard Guy To Live With. I'm Like A Caged Animal. I'm Up All Night Walking Around The Living Room. It's Hard For Me To Come Down From What I Do.

Movies Are Great, But The Real Romance Happens Right Here, Somewhere - Real Close-up. I Really Couldn't Have Done It If I Hadn't Been Through A Lot One Way Or Another. Either You're The One Erasing Or You're The One Being Erased, So It's Not A Pleasant Feeling!

I'm Not Always Looking For The Laugh. I'm Not The Guy Who Sits In And Listens To Conversations And Wants To Jump In With Something Hilarious Every Two Seconds. I Actually Do Listen To People.

If You Give Up On Your Dreams, What's Left?

Don't Worry If You Miss Your Cue, Because There's Always Doors Opening. They Keep Opening.

I've Been On A Quest For Spiritual Answers For A Long Time. The Things I've Learned About Interconnectedness And Non-duality And The Feeling Of Tapping Into Your Soul That Goes Beyond The Edge Of Your Skin Is Important To Me. Once I Learned That, I'm Far Less Often Trapped In My Own Little Man Problems. Me Against The Universe Problems.

It's Exhausting I Think To Just Say Really Yes To Everything For Real, Even If You Do It For A Day.

You Are Ready And Able To Do Beautiful Things In This World.

Maybe Other People Will Try To Limit Me But I Don't Limit Myself.

Compassion Is The Currency That Leads To True Wealth.

50 Years: Here's A Time When You Have To Separate Yourself From What Other People Expect Of You, And Do What You Love. Because If You Find Yourself 50 Years Old And You Aren't Doing What You Love, Then What's The Point?

Every Character I Do Is Something Special To Me. Every Time You Score With A Great Character Relationship In A Movie, It Becomes Your Baby.

I Absolutely Want To Have A Career Where You Make'em Laugh And Make'em Cry. It's All Theater.

There's Been A Thoughtfulness To Everything I Do. Even The Stupidest Things I Do Have Some Kind Of Point.

I Don't Know What Happened To Architecture [in Las-vegas] I Think They're Getting Us Ready For Space Colonies Or Something, Nobody Puts A Window In That You Can Crack.

Our Love Is Like A Red, Red Rose... And I Am A Little Thorny.

The Purpose Of My Life Had Always Been To Free People From Concern. I Dubbed It, 'the Church Of Freedom From Concern,' Or 'ffc.

I've Tried Everything. I've Done Therapy, I've Done Colonics. I Went To A Psychic Who Had Me Running Around Town Buying Pieces Of Ribbon To Fill The Colors In My Aura. Did The Prozac Thing.

I Know This Sounds Strange, But As A Kid, I Was Really Shy. Painfully Shy. The Turning Point Was Freshman Year, When I Was The Biggest Geek Alive. No One, I Mean No One, Even Talked To Me.

I Have Been The Guy Who Has Everything But Yet Is So One-track Minded About What I Want, That I Can't See My Blessings.

Ever Since I Started To Get Recognition I've Picked Out Certain Fans And Reverse-stalked Them.

I Think It's Important Never To Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth, Never To Overlook Your Talents [and] What You're Good At.

Always Turn Your Wheel In The Direction Of The Skid.

It Is Better To Risk Starving To Death Then Surrender. If You Give Up On Your Dreams, What's Left?

Comedic Actors Can Be Looked At As A Lower Form Because We Have To Put Ourselves In A Lower Place Than Most Of The Audience. I Think Lofty Emotions Are Somehow Considered More Special. The Best Stories In The World To Me Are The Ones That Elicit A Real Emotion, But Have Humour.

The Future Is Now! Soon Every American Home Will Integrate Their Television, Phone And Computer. You'll Be Able To Visit The Louvre On One Channel, Or Watch Female Wrestling On Another. You Can Do Your Shopping At Home, Or Play Mortal Kombat With A Friend From Vietnam. There's No End To The Possibilities!

You Might As Well Take A Chance On Doing What You Love.

Doing What You Love

I Hate Christmas. I Do Think It Is Odd That I Have Wound Up Playing These Two Iconic Christmas Haters. It Is The Same Story, In A Way. Scrooge Is The Original Grinch. I Think I Am Perfectly Suited, Because I Have Had Some Dark Christmases.

Originality Is Really Important.

There Is A Huge Difference Between A Dog That Is Going To Eat You In Your Mind And An Actual Dog That's Going To Eat You.

Movie Offers Are Out There For Me, I Just Don't Hear Them Yet.

Christmas Was Really Where I Started Coming Into My Own As A Performer Because I Did All This Stuff On My Own, All This Performing On My Own. When Other Kids Were Outside Playing, I Was In My Room Conjuring Characters And Impressions And Things Like That.

Before I Do Anything, I Think, Well What Hasn't Been Seen. Sometimes, That Turns Out To Be Something Ghastly And Not Fit For Society. And Sometimes That Inspiration Becomes Something That's Really Worthwhile.

When Someone You Love Dies, You Don't Lose Them All At Once. You Lose Them In Pieces Over Time, Like How The Mail Stops Coming.

I Think We're Past The Time In History Where You Have To Come Out And Say, "i'm Happy All The Time! I'm A Joker! I'm A Crazy Man!" I Think People Understand That I Can Turn That Switch On But That I'm Also A Sensitive, Normal Human Being With Feelings And I Know How To Express Those Too.

One Thing I Hope I'll Never Be Is Drunk With My Own Power. And Anybody Who Says I Am Will Never Work In This Town Again.

I Don't Care If People Think I Am An Overactor, As Long As They Enjoy What I Do. People Who Think That Would Call Van Gogh An Overpainter.

I Get Excited When The People I Work With Scare Me. I Get Excited When I'm Surrounded By People Who Make Me Better And Make Me Stay On My Game And Challenge Me.

I Learned Many Great Lessons From My Father, Not The Least Of Which, Was That You Can Fail At What You Don't Want So You Might As Well Take A Chance On Doing What You Love

Doing What You Love

If We (lauren And Jim) Ever Get Married, We're Just Going To Put Helmets On, Run Into Each Other From A Hundred Yards, And Smash Together Like Rams

I Spent Most Of My Time In My Room Staring At A Mirror. I Never Knew I Was Supposed To Socialize. I Just Spent Hours Making Faces At Myself, Having A Good Time.

I Need Privacy. I Would Think That Because What I Do Makes A Lot Of People Happy That I Might Deserve A Little Bit Of Respect In Return. Instead, The Papers Try To Drag Me Off My Pedestal.

Life Opens Up Opportunities To You, And You Either Take Them Or You Stay Afraid Of Taking Them.

A Lot Of Good Love Can Happen In Ten Years.

As Far As I Can Tell, It's Just About Letting The Universe Know What You Want And Then Working Toward It While Letting Go Of How It Comes To Pass.

I Wanted To Be A Veterinarian For About A Week Of My Life When I Was A Kid. But I Found Out About The Whole Euthanasia Thing And I Said, I Can't Commit To That, Sorry!

Creative People Don't Behave Very Well Generally. If You're Looking For Examples Of Good Relationships In Show Business, You're Gonna Be Depressed Real Fast. I Don't Have Time For Anything Else Right Now But Work And My Daughter. She's My First Priority.

I'd Like To Thank My Mother, My Father, The Academy. I'm Sorry. I Was Thinking Of Something Else.

What’s Yours? How Will You Serve The World? What Do They Need That Your Talent Can Provide? That’s All You Have To Figure Out.

In Retrospect It Always Seems To Work Out That You Can Look Back On Something That Was A Disaster And Find Some Gems In There.

If You've Got A Talent, Protect It.

Choose Love And Don't Ever Let Fear Turn You Away From Your Playful Heart

I Think Everybody Should Get Rich And Famous And Do Everything They Ever Dreamed Of So They Can See That It's Not The Answer.

The Era Of ‘yes’ Has Begun.

Your Need For Acceptance Can Make You Invisible In This World. Risk Being Seen In All Of Your Glory.

Hysterical In The Mask; Funny Yet Moving In The Truman Show.

I Don't Think I'm Ever Going To Have The Kind Of Life Or Schedule That I Can Really Have A Steady Way Of Doing Things.

I Enjoy My Life. The Fame Part Of It Freaked Me Out For A Little While, And There Are Definitely Times When It's Not So Great To Be Special And Known By Everybody - You Know, When You're Wearing The Wrong Thing, Or Just In A Vulnerable Place. But I'm Good With My Life Now.

The Dating Process Is Not Normal For Me.

I've Arrived At The Place If I'm Not Taking A Career Risk, I'm Not Happy. If I'm Scared, Then I Know I'm Being Challenged.

My Upbringing In Canada Made Me The Person I Am. I Will Always Be Proud To Be A Canadian.

Risk Being Seen In All Of Your Glory.

Graduation Speech

I Don't Think You Can Know God Unless You're Passionate About Him So You're Either Screaming At Him, Enraptured With The Idea Of Being Around Him Or Feeling Him In Your Life.

I Got Paid A Lot Of Money At One Point So The Focus Became, For A Lot Of People, About That, But For Me, It's Always Been The Same Goal: To Stop The World For People.

I Like Challenges And I Don't Believe In Failure. I Don't Believe In Regrets. I Believe Suffering, Failure - All Those Concepts - Are Things That Are Absolutely Necessary To Make Us The Best People That We Can Be, The Best At Whatever We Want To Do.

I Don't Ever Want To Stick Myself In One Category. I Do Really Love Making Movies, But The Thing About Live Performances Is You Don't Have To Wait Around. Literally, We're Still Waiting To See What The Reaction Is To The Film, So It's A Slower Process. But It Is Enjoyable.

Isn't It Cool When The Days That Are Supposed To Feel Good, Actually Do?

When I Started To Realise How Important The Film Was To People I Thought There Is A Lot Of Negative Stuff Going On In The World, Maybe They Need These Two People

I Would Visualize Things Coming To Me. It Would Just Make Me Feel Better. Visualization Works If You Work Hard. That's The Thing. You Can't Just Visualize And Go Eat A Sandwich.

I Feel Like I've Lived The Dream For Sure, I'm The Luckiest Guy In The World And I Never Forget That. I Always Feel Like I'm Proof Of Positive Thought And Manifestation, And That Faith Is More Important Than Talent. But If You Have Both You're Really Doing Something.

My Father Used To Brag That I Wasn't A Ham, I Was The Whole Pig.

I Got A Lot Of Support From My Parents. That's The One Thing I Always Appreciated. They Didn't Tell Me I Was Being Stupid; They Told Me I Was Being Funny.

I Cannot Be Contained Because I Am The Container.

I Think Projects Find Me. It's Really Interesting. Everything I've Done, From "the Truman Show," The "eternal Sunshine" To "yes Man" And "bruce Almighty," Always Come Into My Life At The Perfect Time.

I Just Like Being Creative, Whatever Way I Have To Do It.

Be Grateful. Find Something To Be Grateful For. Don't Do Too Many Things That Make You Feel Like You Deserve To Lose Because We Do Program Our Own Computers. I Believe There Is A Plus And A Minus Column And If You End Up On The Minus Column, Your Own Conscience Will Make You Lose.

Maybe There Is No Actual Place Called Hell. Maybe Hell Is Just Having To Listen To Our Grandparents Breathe Through Their Noses When They're Eating Sandwiches.

All I Want To Make Sure Of Is That She's Doing Something She Loves. Watch Your Kids When They Sit Down And Absolutely Get Lost In Something. Maybe That's What They Should Be Doing-the Thing They're Dying To Do All The Time.

I Have No Limits! I Cannot Be Contained Because I'm The Container.

There Are Peaks, There Are Valleys. But They're All Kind Of Carved And Smoothed Out, And It Feels Like A Low Level Of Despair You Live In. Where You're Not Getting Any Answers, But You're Living Ok. And You Can Smile At The Office. You Know? But It's A Low Level Of Despair. I Was On Prozac For A Long Time. It May Have Helped Me Out Of A Jam For A Little Bit, But People Stay On It Forever. I Had To Get Off At A Certain Point Because I Realized That, You Know, Everything's Just Ok.

I Try To Do Something The Audience Might Not Have Seen Before.

Never Been Kissed

I Don't Make It In Regular Channels, And That's Okay For Me.

My Father Could Have Been A Great Comedian, But He Didn't Believe That That Was Possible For Him, And So He Made A Conservative Choice. Instead, He Got A Safe Job As An Accountant. When I Was 12 Years Old, He Was Let Go From That Safe Job, And Our Family Had To Do Whatever We Could To Survive. I Learned Many Great Lessons From My Father, Not The Least Of Which Was That You Can Fail At What You Don’t Want, So You Might As Well Take A Chance On Doing What You Love.

You Can Be Zany And Funny Or You Can Do Something That Really Has Some Depth To It And Serious, So There's Many Different Colors To Paint With. I Would Hate To Get Trapped In One Little Thing. I Always Feel Like Funny Is An Appendage, But It Is Not My Whole Body.

Like Many Of You, I Was Concerned About Going Out Into The World And Doing Something Bigger Than Myself. Until Someone Smarter Than Myself Made Me Realize That There Is Nothing Bigger Than Myself.

Magicians Are Definitely More Arrogant. They're Kind Of Like "abra Kadabra, You're An Idiot," They Don't Let You In On The Joke. Comedians, You're Always In On The Joke Unless It's Andy Kaufman.

I Don't Hate You For Loving You. I Just Hate My Heart For Choosing Someone Like You.

I Try To Do Something The Audience Might Not Have Seen Before. Like If I'm Gonna Kiss A Girl I Wanna Kiss Her Like A Girl Has Never Been Kissed. Like Maybe I Would Kick Her Legs Out From Under Her And Catch Her Right Before She Hits The Ground And Then Kiss Her.

Those Times In Life When You're Terrified Are The Mastery Times.

I Just Want To Be Myself.

I’ve Often Said That I Wish People Could Realize All Their Dreams And Wealth And Fame, So That They Could See That It’s Not Where They’re Gonna Find Their Sense Of Completion. Like Many Of You, I Was Concerned About Going Out Into The World And Doing Something Bigger Than Myself, Until Someone Smarter Than Myself Made Me Realize That There Is Nothing Bigger Than Myself. My Soul Is Not Contained Within The Limits Of My Body, My Body Is Contained Within The Limitlessness Of My Soul.

The Character Is What Trips You Up - The Thing Of, "i'm Going To Get So Dark In This Character That I'm Going To Get Lost In A Character." You Can't Get Lost In A Character. You Can Only Think You're Lost In A Character.

I Really Want To Love Somebody. I Do. I Just Don't Know If It's Possible Forever And Ever.

You Can Fail At What You Don’t Want, So You Might As Well Take A Chance On Doing What You Love.

The Wonderful Thing About Digital Process Is That I Can Be Cast In Films That I Would Never Be Cast In. If I Have It In My Soul To Play The Character It Doesn't Matter What My Face Looks Like, Or My Age. It's Really Liberating.

My Career Has Been In A Weird Kind Of Like Low-flying Under The Radar-kind Of Place. I Never Made It On "saturday Night Live" Where All My Friends Did.

The Exit From Agony Is Always There. The Tunnel Out Of The Agony Sector Is Always In Front Of You And Yet You Don't Take It. You Don't Take It By Choice. You Want To Indulge A Lot And Be In Pain. The Easiest Way Out Is To Write A List Of What You're Grateful For. If Everybody Literally Did That Before They Went To Bed At Night, There'd Be No Unhappy People.

If I Had Never Ventured Beyond Being A Stand-up Comic, Then I Would Be Sitting In My House Today Working On My Leonardo Dicaprio Impression.

There Was A Time When People Said, 'jim, If You Keep On Making Faces, Your Face Will Freeze Like That.' Now They Just Say, 'pay Him!'

Some Nights It Was A Melee, Literally, Where I'd Be Standing Trying To Defend Myself For What I Was Doing. People Would Be Screaming At Me To Do My Old Act, And Getting Actually Violent And Angry At Me.

The Money Can Be A Hindrance To Someone Like Me Because The Danger Is That You Start Thinking, 'is That A $20 Million Take?' That Kind Of Thing, And Being Self-critical.

My Soul Is Not Contained Within The Limits Of My Body; My Body Is Contained Within The Limitlessness Of My Soul.

I Wake Up Some Mornings And Sit And Have My Coffee And Look Out At My Beautiful Garden, And I Go, 'remember How Good This Is. Because You Can Lose It.'

I Enjoy Fame Except When I'm With My Daughter. Kids Stop Me All The Time And I Don't Want Her To Be Jealous Of The Attention. Also, Sometimes I Just Want To Be Left Alone And I Refuse To Make Rubber Faces. That's When They Start Asking, What's The Matter, Man, Don't You Like Your Job? I Say, Yeah, I Like My Job. But I Also Like Having Sex, And I'm Not Going To Do That In Front Of You Either.

When You Are A Kid, You Need To Have Something To Do. This Will Keep You Off The Streets.

I Love Playing Ego And Insecurity Combined.

150 People Die Every Year From Being Hit By Falling Coconuts. Not To Worry, Drug Makers Are Developing A Vaccine.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Everything Bad That Happens In The World Stems From The Same Place, They're People Who Don't Feel Important.

I Love The Idea That 'a Person Is A Person No Matter How Small'.

I'm Not A Bible Thumper, I'm Not Any Of That Stuff, But I Do Believe That The Force Is With Us.

Any1 Who Would Run Out To Buy An Assault Rifle After The Newtown Massacre Has Very Little Left In Their Body Or Soul Worth Protecting. ;^

You Know The Trouble With Real Life? There's No Danger Music.

Like Most Catholic Boys, I Wanted To Be Jesus Christ. I Could Never Get The Turn-the-other-cheek Thing Down, Though.

Kids Need To Know They're The Most Important Thing In The World To You, And If That Means Quitting Your Job To Prove It, Then You Have To Prove It.

Humor Is Not Debatable. It's Like Sex. Either You're Aroused Or You're Not. Nobody Can Reason You Around To Their Point Of View.

My Family Kinda Hit The Skids. We Were Experiencing Poverty At That Point. We All Got A Job, Where The Whole Family Had To Work As Security Guards And Janitors. And I Just Got Angry.

Security Guards

A Better You Means A Better Universe.

Self Confidence

Life Doesn't Happen To You, It Happens For You.

Acting Is Divine Dissatisfaction. It's The Greatest Thing In The World To Do, But You Are Never Satisfied With It Ever.

The Highs And Lows Of Show Business Is A Rollercoaster For Sure. There's So Many Highs, There's Just Moments Of Your Life Where You Go, "wow I Can't Believe How Insanely Lucky I Am," And Then You Can Turn Around And The Next Moment Feel So Completely Caught Up In Your Own Wanting, And Desiring, And Needing And Feel Like Somehow You're Missing Something. It's Just Higher The High, The Lower The Low.

Fear Is Going To Be A Player In Your Life, But You Get To Decide How Much. You Can Spend Your Whole Life Imagining Ghosts, Worrying About The Pathway To The Future, But All It Will Ever Be Is What's Happening Here, The Decisions In That We Make In This Moment, Which Are Based In Either Love Or Fear.

I Come From The Philosophy Of: "whatever Happens To Me Is The Greatest Thing That Could Happen, No Matter What." Sometimes In The Moment I Have A Regret, But Then I Have Found Myself Every Time Down The Line Saying To Myself: "i Wouldn't Be Here If It Weren't For That So Called Failure."

I Started Out Performing As A Little Boy, I Was Trying To Make My Mother Feel Better And Laugh Because She Was Sick And In Pain All The Time. I Found Out That I Had That Power To Relieve Her.

The Purpose Of My Life Had Always Been To Free People From Concern, Like My Dad... How Will You Serve The World? What Do They Need That Your Talent Can Provide? That’s All You Have To Figure Out... The Effect You Have On Others Is The Most Valuable Currency There Is. Everything You Gain In Life Will Rot And Fall Apart, And All That Will Be Left Of You Is What Was In Your Heart.

It's Nice To Finally Get Scripts Offered To Me That Aren't The Ones Tom Hanks Wipes His Butt With.

Green Eggs And Ham Was The Story Of My Life. I Wouldn't Eat A Thing When I Was A Kid, But Dr. Seuss Inspired Me To Try Cauliflower!

It's Hard For Anybody Who's Been With Me Not To Feel Starved For Affection When I'm Making Love To My Ideas. Maybe It's Not Meant For Me To Settle Down And Be Married.

My Teacher In The Seventh Grade Told Me That If I Didn't Fool Around During Class, I Could Have 15 Minutes At The End Of The Day To Do A Comedy Routine. Instead Of Bugging Everybody, I'd Figure Out My Routine. And At The End Of The Day, I'd Get To Perform In Front Of My Entire Class. I Thought It Was Really Smart Of Her. It's Amazing How Important That Was.

I Like To Enjoy Life, I Like To Engage In Life, So I Would Say I'm A Yes Man.

I'm Very Serious About No Alcohol, No Drugs. Life Is Too Beautiful.

Funny Sarcastic

I've Always Believed That You Can Funnel Good Things Toward Yourself By Thinking Positiviely.

Dry Land Is Not A Myth. I've Seen It. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I Don't Know What The Big Fuss Is About. I Saw That Movie Nine Times. It Rules!

You Are The Vanguard Of Knowledge And Consciousness; A New Wave In A Vast Ocean Of Possibilities.

The Combination Of What's Written And Just Being In The Moment Is Always The Best Way. You Gotta Start Out With Something Solid And Then You Play.

I Don't Believe In Bad People. I Believe That People, Somewhere Inside, Have The Potential To Realize Themselves.

It's Always Fun To Do Something That You Know Ultimately Is Not About The Money, And It's Certainly Not For The Fame - Because It's A Pain In The Ass. But It's Really The Person In The Theater Seat You Think About When You Sit In A Room And Write.

Imagine If You Could Actually Be That Happy? That Would Be Powerful, Man. People Would Be Tunneling Under The Street To Avoid You. They'd Go 'oh, Man - Is That Happy Guy Still Out There?'

I Love Stories About Teachers. For Some Reason I Can't Get Enough Of Those Kind Of Stories. If I Turn A Movie On About A Teacher, I Love It. I Love That Idea Of An Adult Influence On Kids.

If I'm Not Back In 5 Minutes, Just Wait Longer.

Morgan Freeman Is So Class. He's So Cool. He's So Scary.

But Can Everyone Simply Choose The Path He Loves? Someone Has To Take The Ordinary Jobs. All I Know Is, That Worked For Me. And It Didn't Work For Other People I Know To Get A So-called Safe Job, Because There's No Such Thing Anymore. The Only Thing That Stays Constant Is The Idea That People Have To Escape.

I Praticed Making Faces In The Mirror And It Would Drive My Mother Crazy. She Used To Scare Me By Saying That I Was Going To See The Devil If I Kept Looking In The Mirror. That Fascinated Me Even More, Of Course.

I Love Acting. I Love Play-acting. I Love Pretending. I Love Telling Stories So Whether They Be Comedic Or Serious Or Whatever, It Doesn't Really Matter To Me. I Enjoy Telling A Good Story. I Have It All In Me.

Uh Uh Uh, Turning The Car Into Oncoming Traffic... Is Counterproductive!

Counterproductive

So Many Of Us Choose Our Path Out Of Fear Disguised As Practicality.

The Effect You Have On Others Is The Most Valuable Currency There Is.

Graduation Speech

I Can Be Your Best Friend Or Your Worst Enemy. You Seem To Prefer The Latter.

I Think I Could Go Away Tomorrow. I've Already Accomplished Something. It's Such A Selfish Business That Sometimes I Get Sick Of Myself.

It's Time To P-a-r-t-why? Because I Gotta!

Lots Of People Say If You Dredge Too Much Stuff Up, You'll Go Crazy - "you'll Go Insane!" But For A Comedian, Insanity Is Not A Problem. It's A Goal.

I Wish Everyone Could Experience Being Rich And Famous, So They'd See It Wasn't The Answer To Anything.

Trending Author

Beyonce Knowles

Richard Carlson

Chris Moneymaker

Category