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Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

-David Letterman

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Pepsi Has A New

David Letterman

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Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

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Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy And I Had To Give The Kids Nicotine Gum.

People Say New Yorkers Can't Get Along. Not True. I Saw Two New Yorkers, Complete Strangers, Sharing A Cab. One Guy Took The Tires And The Radio; The Other Guy Took The Engine.

Interesting Survey In The Current Journal Of Abnormal Psychology: New York City Has A Higher Percentage Of People You Shouldn't Make Any Sudden Moves Around Than Any Other City In The World.

Them Bats Is Smart. They Use Radar!

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I Think The One Thing I Would Point To As A Primary Reason, Basically, Is That I Was A Gigantic Ass, ... It's The First Time I Got Dumped In My Life.

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The President Met With Bp Ceo Tony Hayward, And Obama Was Demanding That Bp Clean Up The Gulf. And I'm Thinking, Good Luck. They Can't Even Clean Up Their Gas Station Restrooms.

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The Last Time The French Asked For 'more Proof' It Came Marching Into Paris Under A German Flag

The Issue Of Gay Marriage Has Reached The Supreme Court And Observers Are Analyzing Every Detail To Predict How Each Justice Will Vote. Experts Say Chief Justice John Roberts Is Likely To Rule In Favor Of Gay Marriage Based On The Fact That He Spent Tuesday's Hearings Watching The Tony Award Nominations.

President Obama Says He Wants To Put An End To The Policy, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, In The Military. This Is Not To Be Confused With George Bush's Policy, 'don't Know, Don't Care.' That's A Whole Different Deal.

I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

The 4th Of July Combines The Two Things Americans Love Most In One Day: Alcohol And Explosives.

Pope Francis Is Going To Go To Washington, D.c., To Address Congress. He Believes The New England Patriots Have Been Deflating His Giant Hat.

Hillary Went To A Chipotle In A Tortilla Pantsuit.

An Anthropologist At Tulane Has Just Come Back From A Field Trip To New Guinea With Reports Of A Tribe So Primitive That They Have Tide But Not New Tide With Lemon-fresh Borax.

Mitt Romney Said He's Not Concerned About The Very Poor. What He Means Is People Making Less Than A Million.

Due To Budget Crunches, Bush Has Had To Scale Some Of The Programs. He Has A New Program, 'leave A Couple Of Kids Behind.'

There's Some Kind Of A Thing Where When She Was Secretary Of State She Was Using Her Own E-mail Instead Of The State Department, And I Thought Finally, A Clinton Scandal The Entire Family Can Enjoy.

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Final Installment Of Things More Fun Than Reading The Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving Into A Tree, Microwaving Your Head, And Getting Stabbed In The Eye With A Carrot.

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Obesity Is Now A Problem In The Navy. They've Created A New Rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

Mary Keitany From Kenya Won The Women's Race At The New York City Marathon. You Can Tell She Was Fast Because Guys On The Street Didn't Even Have Time To Finish Their Catcalls.

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I'm Having Trouble Warming Up To Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy In The Restaurant That Comes To Your Table To Make Sure Everything's All Right.

Did You Get The New Iphone Yet? The Iphone That I Have Is Outdated. It Has Two Pieces And A Hand Crank.

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I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

Today Coming To Work, I Saw One Of Those Only In New York Scenes. It Was A Rat Who Had Passed Out After Choking On A Pretzel.

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Today, The L.a. Times Accused Arnold Schwarzenegger Of Groping Six Women. I'm Telling Ya, This Guy Is Presidential Material.

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Type 2 Diabetes

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The United States Has Launched Airstrikes Against Isis. It's Being Called 'operation Approval Ratings.'

Approval Rating

The Oil Spill Is Getting Bad. There Is So Much Oil And Tar Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, Cubans Can Now Walk To Miami.

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At The Apple Store, The People Waiting In Line For The Iphone 6 Were Trampled By The People Waiting For The Iphone 7.

Waiting In Line

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Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid Says He Will Not Seek Re-election. Harry Said He Wants To Spend More Time With His Family. As I Always Say, Check With Your Family.

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Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

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Donald Trump Is On The Show Tonight. Donald Is A Big Man, I Think 230 Pounds -- 235 With Cologne.

Donald Trump May Be Running For President. He Said He Is Sick And Tired Of The Rest Of The World Laughing At The United States. Well, President Trump Will Certainly Put An End To That.

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The Ayatollah In Iran Says He Believes That He Got The Letter, But He Thinks He Accidentally Threw It Out With His Crate & Barrel Catalog.

Sometimes Something Worth Doing Is Worth Overdoing.

Do You Know What I'm Going To Do When I Retire? I Hope To Become The New Face Of Scientology.

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They Say The Oil Spill Has The Potential To Kill More Wildlife Than A Sarah Palin Hunting Trip.

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Donald Trump Announced That He Is Not Running For President. He Would Rather Spend His Time Making Gary Busey Sell Snapple On The Street.

I Think O.j. Protests Too Much. Not Only Did He Say He Didn't Carve The Holiday Turkey, But He Was In The Back Yard Practicing His Golf Swing The Whole Time.

I Hate Decaffeinated Coffee. It's Useless Brown Water.

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I Vote Democrat Because I Love The Fact That I Can Now Marry Whatever I Want. I've Decided To Marry My German Shepherd.

Monday Is President's Day And Former President Bill Clinton Is Very Excited. He Is Taking George Bush, Sr. To 'hooters'. ... George H.w. Bush And Bill Clinton Have Been Spending More And More Time Together. Doesn't That Seem Like An Unusual Couple To You, Honestly? Earlier Today They Went To Go See That Gay Cowboy Movie.

Yesterday Was Election Day. If We Have Any Democrats In The Audience, I'm Sorry But You're Going To Have To Give Up Your Seats.

Asked By Reporters About His Upcoming Marriage To A Forty-two-year-old Woman, Director Roman Polanski Told Reporters, `the Way I Look At It, She's The Equivalent Of Three Fourteen-year-olds.'

Iraq's Elite Republican Guard Is Doing So Badly They're Changing Their Name To The Democratic Guard.

Airport Screeners Are Now Scanning Holiday Fruitcakes. Not Even The Scanners Can Tell What Those Little Red Things Are.

The Candidates At The Republican Debate Looked Like A Town Council That Was Outlawing Dancing. They Looked Like A Board Of Directors That Was Lying About Poisoning A River.

How About Those Olympics, Ladies And Gentlemen. Didn't London Look Like The Place To Be? New York City Was In The Running For This Olympics. But Here's What Happened. We Got Outbribed.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

Congratulations To Ohio State, Your New College Football Champions. Coach Urban Meyer May Be The Greatest Football Coach Of All Time. Don't Confuse Him With New York Mayor Bill De Blasio. That's Urban Quagmire.

Congratulations

I Wish The Iphone People Would Design One That's Black And Has Two Pieces, And It Plugs Into The Wall And You Can Pick One Piece Up And Talk Into It. I Tell You, The Whole Time I Had One Of Those Old-fashioned Plug-in Phones, Not Once Did I Misplace It.

Hillary Clinton Could Use One Of These Apple Watches. She Could Hook It Up To Her Secret Email Account. If You Want To Contact Hillary, She's At Hillary@pantsuit.com.

Yesterday, The Senate Voted To Approve President Clinton's Decision To Send Troops To Bosnia. And They Voted To Change The Name Of That Mission To "operation Forget About Whitewater".

Ted Cruz Could Be President Of The United States. If You Thought The Secret Service Was Drinking Before

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

The Campaign For The White House Is Heating Up With John Kerry Taking Heat For Throwing His Vietnam Medals Away, Getting A $1000 Haircut, And Wearing A 1970s Wig Known As 'the Leno.' There Are Really Two Sides To This Story. And America Can't Wait For Kerry To Present Both Of Them.

A New Survey Indicates That Obama Supporters Love Iphones. So If You Have An Iphone, Chances Are You Are Going To Be Supporting President Obama. In A Related Story, If You Support Governor Chris Christie From New Jersey, Chances Are You Love Ihop.

Obama Supporters

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Has New Balloons This Year Including The Pillsbury Doughboy Balloon And The First Openly Gay Balloon. Also The Thomas Tank Engine Balloon, And They Even Have The Ebola Nurse Balloon.

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

Are You Excited About The Recall Election? Arnold's Campaign Has A New Slogan: 'win One For The Groper.'

I Don't Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Comedian And I Don't Even Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Talk-show Host, But I Never Want To Be Accused Of Being An Arrogant, Pompous Showbiz Asshole.

Did You Hear About This Genius That Got On A Plane And Set Fire To His Feet? Turns Out He Had Bombs In His Shoes And The Problem All Started When The Flight Attendants Asked Him Nicely To Extinguish His Feet. He Was Wearing Exploding Sneakers. The New Nike Air-jihads!

Do Good Things For Other People.

This Warning From The New York City Department Of Health Fraud: Be Suspicious Of Any Doctor Who Tries To Take Your Temperature With His Finger.

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

The Hillary Team Is Driving Around In A Van. Sometimes People Get Those Gag Bumper Stickers Put On Their Van. Hillary Has One On Her Van, And It Says, 'if This Van's Rockin', I'm Deleting Emails.'

Osama Bin Laden Was Living In That Compound With Three Wives. It's Like He Was Newt Gingrich.

Osama Bin Laden

I Have Found That The Only Thing That Does Bring You Happiness Is Doing Something Good For Somebody Who Is Incapable Of Doing It For Themselves.

In A Recent Interview, Howard Dean Admitted That He Used To Drink And Smoke Pot. So, Now All He Needs To Put Him Over The Top Is A Sex Scandal.

Hey, Guess Who's Gay? The Green Lantern From The Comic Books. Today Mitt Romney Knocked Him Down And Shaved His Head.

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

Sarah Palin's Book Is Big, 400 Pages. She Wrote The Book Herself And Agonized Over Every Word, And So Will You.

President Bush Says He Now Wants To Simplify The Tax Code. Only Those In The Blue States Will Pay.

You Like Science? You Enjoy Science? Always Use It For Good, Never For Evil. Can You Promise Me That?

Critics Of The Wall Street Protesters Claim That They Have Old Ideas, Nothing New, And They're Never Going To Work. Wait A Minute., That Sounds Like This Show.

Newt Gingrich Wants To Build A Colony On The Moon. Ok, You Say, But Why? Well, He Wants To Be The First American To Get Divorced On The Moon.

I'm Worried About John Kerry, He's So Confident Now That He's Already Planning His White House Sex Scandal.

Here's My Problem. On Valentine's Day The Flowers Are Wilting And So Am I.

The Cia Special Unit That Was Searching For Osama Bin Laden Has Been Disbanded. So I Guess, Mission Accomplished.

Osama Bin Laden

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

An Old Interview Of Arnold Schwartzenegger Has Surfaced Where He Admits To Smoking A Lot Of Pot And Having Sex With Hookers. Finally A Republican All Californians Can Get Behind.

I Heard This Today And I Thought This Was Fascinating And Interesting. President Bush Has Two Daughters, Two Beautiful Daughters, And They May Work On Their Father's Presidential Campaign After They Get Out Of College And I Thought, Well, That's A Pretty Good Move Because In This Economy, They Won't Be Able To Find Real Jobs.

Today Mitt Romney Is 68 Years Old. It's Kind Of Sad, A 68-year-old Guy With No Job, No Future - Wait A Minute, That's Me.

Political Pundits Are Saying President George W. Bush Has Made Gains In Two Key States: Dazed And Confused.

We Have Defeated Saddam Hussein And Iraq. The Good News Is Iraq Is Ours, And The Bad News Is Iraq Is Ours.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Liberal Judges Need To Rewrite The Constitution Every Few Days To Suit Fringe Kooks Who Would Never Get Their Agendas Past The Voters.

They Found A Scrapbook With Photos Of Osama Bin Laden From The '90s, And They're Studying Each And Every Photo Very, Very Closely. My Favorite Shot Of Osama Bin Laden Was Right Between The Eyes.

Osama Bin Laden

Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Is Now Being Attacked For Dodging The Draft. I Never Knew This About The Guy - But Now I Know This Guy Is Presidential Material.

The Weather Here Is Gorgeous. It's Mild And Feels Like It's In The Eighties. The Hot Dog Vendors Got Confused Because Of The Weather And Thought It Was Spring, So They Accidentally Changed The Hot Dog Water In Their Carts.

New York Is Great Though. If You?re Here And Want A One Of A Kind Souvenir Be Sure To Take Home The Police Sketch Of Your Assailant.

Compared To Clinton, I Feel Like A Loser. I Can't Even Get The Intern To Make Me Coffee!

You Have Kim Jong Il, And You Have His Brother, Menta Lee Il.

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Rick Perry, Started Out Like A Ball Of Fire From Texas And Then He Started To Drop And Now He's Retooling. He's Adding Advisers To His Campaign Team. This Guy Had Advisers? Really?

If I Can Be Serious Now, And I Have The Feeling I Can.

What We Know About Osama Bin Laden Is This: He's Worth $300 Million, He Has Five Wives And Twenty-six Kids -- And He Hates Americans For Their "excessive" Lifestyle.

Good Luck Finding A Place To Park In New York City. And When You Do, Good Luck Figuring Out The Parking Signs, Restrictions, And Prohibitions. It Is So Complicated. It Has Gotten So Bad, I Never Park My Car Without A Lawyer.

The Bush Campaign For Re-election Has Officially Begun. They're Actually Running Television Commercials. Have You Seen Any Of The Television Commercials? In One Of The Commercials, You See George Bush For Thirty Seconds. In Another Commercial, You Get To See George Bush For Sixty Seconds - Kind Of Like His Stint In The National Guard.

Television Commercials

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

I Like My Cinema Gritty, I Like My Eggs Gritty.

Meryl Streep Is On The Program Tonight. I Like To Throw Her A Little Work Whenever I Can.

They're Saying Now That Rick Santorum Is Gaining Momentum Because He's Not Romney. And Mitt Romney Was Furious. He Replied, 'well, I Can Do That.

It's So Warm Now, And Thanksgiving Came So Early - Is It Just Me, Or Does It Not Really Feel Like Ramadan?

Everybody Is Wondering What Paris Hilton Will Be Doing Next, And Hell, I'm Wondering What She Did Before.

Insiders Say That Trump Is Running For President As A Publicity Stunt. That's Not The Donald Trump I Know.

I Like That Sarah Palin. She Looks Like The Flight Attendant Who Won't Give You A Second Can Of Pepsi ... She Looks Like The Nurse Who Weighs You And Then Makes You Sit Alone In Your Underwear For 20 Minutes ... She Looks Like A Real Estate Agent Whose Picture You See On The Bus Stop Bench ... She Looks Like The Hygienist Who Makes You Feel Guilty About Not Flossing ... She Looks Like The Relieved Mom In A Tide Commercial.

Hillary Has Now Erased All Of Her Emails, And She Also Had All Of Her Pantsuits Dry Cleaned.

Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

Have You Seen These Republican Presidential Candidates? I Bet Obama Is Sorry Now That He Spent All That Money On The New Birth Certificate.

New York City Subways Are Now Getting High Speed Internet. How About Some High Speed Subway Trains?

Did You See Howard Dean Ranting And Raving? Here's A Little Tip Howard - Cut Back On The Red Bull.

John Kerry Told Tom Ridge He Was Too Busy To Receive A Homeland Security Briefing. I Thought That Was Odd, Since You're Not Supposed To Ignore Terrorist Threats Until After You Become President.

President Bush Says Now He Is Sticking To His Plan For Handing Over Power To The Iraqis On June 30. It's Also Part Of His Plan To Hand Over Power To John Kerry On January 20.

You Know What I Love Best About Baseball? The Pine Tar, The Resin, The Grass, The Dirt - And That's Just In The Hot-dogs.

The Entire Island Of Martha's Vineyard Has Gone Obama Crazy. There's Even A Cocktail That They've Named After Barack Obama. It's Called The Obamarita. Not To Be Confused With A Cocktail Inspired By John Mccain, The Cosmopoligrip. And Then There Was One A Couple Of Years Ago Inspired By George W. Bush, The Mojidiot. Of Course, There Was The Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

I Had No Idea This Thing Was Televised. Boy, Is My Face Red.

You Know, Sarah Palin Is The Governor Of Alaska, You Know That. And She's A Lifelong Member Of The National Rifle Association. So Great, Is What I'm Thinking, Another Vice President That Shoots A Drinking Buddy; Just Get Ready.

It's Tax Season. When I Woke This Morning And Realized It Was Tax Season, I Said, My God, Didn't We Just Pay Taxes Last Year?

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

Over The Weekend Mitt Romney Went Body Surfing. He Has Not Body Surfed Since The '90s When He Starred On 'baywatch.'

One Of The Remarkable Things About Being 19 Is That You Can Break Open A Case Of Warm Beer At Midnight And Still Be Wide-eyed And Alert For Your Eight-a.m. Class. And That Gave Me The False Impression That My Life Would Always Be Like That.

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

Yesterday Was The New York City Marathon. Republicans Won In A Landslide.

There Was An Embarrassing Moment In The White House Earlier Today. They Were Looking Around While Searching For George Bush's Military Records. They Actually Found Some Old Al Gore Ballots.

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I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central Park Today, But It Turned Out To Be A Sparrow With An Exit Wound.

The White House Has Announced That They No Longer Recognize Fox As A News Organization, Which Puts Them About Eight Years Behind The Rest Of Us.

Vladimir Putin Said The Tanks That You See Rolling Through The Streets Are Just Part Of The Closing Ceremonies Of The Olympics.

They're Doing Everything They Can To Tighten Security At The White House. Today, On The Roof Of The White House, They Added One Of Those Fake Owls.

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