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Jeb Bush Gave A Speech Yesterday. He Had A Pretty Rough Time. He Accidentally Said That Isis Has 200,000 Men Instead Of 20,000, And Then He Mispronounced The Name Of The Terrorist Group Boko Haram. So If History Has Taught Us Anything, Jeb Is Well On His Way To Winning The White House.

-Jimmy Fallon

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Jeb Bush Gave A

Jimmy Fallon

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Jeb Bush Gave A Speech Yesterday. He Had A Pretty Rough Time. He Accidentally Said That Isis Has 200,000 Men Instead Of 20,000, And Then He Mispronounced The Name Of The Terrorist Group Boko Haram. So If History Has Taught Us Anything, Jeb Is Well On His Way To Winning The White House.

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I'd Do Entire Music Videos In My Bedroom, Where I Used To Stand In Front Of My Television Memorizing The Moves To Michael Jackson's 'beat It.'

An Internet Rumor Claims That John Kerry Had An Affair With A Young Woman. When Asked If This Was Similar To The Clinton-lewinsky Scandal, A Spokesman Said 'close, But No Cigar.'

This Weekend President Obama Attended The Annual Gridiron Club Dinner, And During His Speech He Joked That He Is Getting Older And Crankier. Which Explains Why He Announced He No Longer Supports President Obama.

Tomorrow President Obama Will Host Nascar Racing Champion Kevin Harvick At The White House. They Both Said They Look Forward To Spending An Hour Or Two Not Having The Slightest Interest In What The Other Is Saying.

Mitt Romney Announced He Will Fight Former Heavyweight Champion Evander Holyfield In A Charity Boxing Match. You Can Tell That Romney Is Serious About It. Today, His Butler Gave Him A Piggyback Ride Up The Steps Of The Philadelphia Art Museum.

Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign Announced That It Raised Over $1.5 Million In The 24 Hours After He Announced His Bid. Meanwhile, A 12-year-old On Kickstarter Just Raised $7 Million In Five Minutes After Announcing His Idea For Juice Box Water Guns.

The Big News Is The Midterm Elections. Last Night Republicans Picked Up A Dozen Seats In The House To Give Them Their Biggest Majority Since World War Ii. Or As They Put It, 'time To Party Like It's 1939!'

Many Believe That Hillary Clinton Was Channeling President Obama During Her Recent Speech In New York City. She Focused On Equality, Justice, And How Hard It Was For Her Growing Up As A Young Black Man In Hawaii.

A New Survey Found That 12 Percent Of Parents Punish Their Kids By Banning Social Networking Sites. The Other 88 Percent Punish Their Kids By Joining Social Networking Sites.

Joe Biden Went To Brazil In An Effort To Try And Repair America's Relationship With Their Government. Biden Said, 'it's Great To Be Here In The Amazon. I've Always Wanted To See Where All The Books Come From.'

In A Recent Interview, Jeb Bush Revealed That His Brother George Gave Him The Nickname 'tortoise' Because He's Making Slow, Steady Progress. Though I Think The Bigger Story Here Is That Compared To George, Jeb Is The Slow One.

Over On The Democratic Side, Martin O'malley Recently Spoke About The Need For Wall Street Reform And Said That He Isn't Running For President To Be Quote, 'wined And Dined' By Executives. Then Chris Christie Said, 'and I Am Also Not Running To Be Wined.'

I Remember People Saying To Us, "you're Too Nice. Hollywood Is Going To Eat You Up And Spit You Out." I Never Listened To Them.

We Picked The Red Sox Because They Lose. If You Root For Something That Loses For 86 Years, You're A Pretty Good Fan. You Don't Have To Win Everything To Be A Fan Of Something.

After Months Of Negotiations, Iran Has Finally Agreed To Reduce Its Nuclear Weapons Program. Which Was Great Until Putin Showed Up And Said, 'hi, I'm Here About Craigslist Ad For Nukes.'

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Just Signed A Bill That Bans Powdered Alcohol From The State. So If You Live In New York And You're Consuming Powdered Alcohol, Your Life Just Somehow Got Even Worse.

Mike Huckabee Said He's The Only Person Who Has Fought The Clinton Political Machine And Won. As Opposed To Democratic Candidate Bernie Sanders, Who's The Only Person Who Fought A Fax Machine And Lost.

It Was A Great Olympics - Team Usa Finished The Games With 17 More Medals Than China. China Said It Was Tough To Swallow - Especially When They Had To Make All Of Our "we're #1" T-shirts.

London Olympics

A Group Called Draft Biden 2016 Has Started Selling Bumper Stickers That Say 'i'm Ridin' With Biden.' It's A Lot Better Than The Other One That Women Around The White House Have Started Using - 'i'm Hidin' From Biden.'

As Gas Prices Continue To Drop, 28 States Are Now Selling Regular Gasoline For Less Than $2 A Gallon. It's Getting Cheaper To Pump Two Gallons Of Gas Outside The Station Than It Is To Pump Two Squirts Of Nacho Cheese Inside.

I Like Doing Energetic Things.

There's A Growing Trend Of Older Americans Who Are Using Marijuana In Their Retirement. That Makes Sense Because Old People Are Always Talking About Their Joints.

Senate Democrats Blocked President Obama's Trade Bill Yesterday Because They're Worried It Could Hurt Jobs. It's Not An Issue For Republicans, Since They've All Found Work As Presidential Candidates.

Bp Wants Twitter To Shut Down A Fake Bp Account That Is Mocking The Oil Company. In Response, Twitter Wants Bp To Shut Down The Oil Leak That's Ruining The Ocean.

A New Helicopter Service Called Gotham Air Is Now Offering Users Cheap Flights From Manhattan To Jfk Or Newark Airports That Start At Just $99. If There's Two Words I Trust Together In The Same Sentence, It's 'cheap' And 'helicopter.'

During A Recent Press Conference, Former President Jimmy Carter Said He Could Never Run For President Today Because He Doesn't Have A Lot Of Money. Well, That And The Fact That He's The Famously Bad President Jimmy Carter.

After President Obama Announced His Support For Net Neutrality Yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz Tweeted That 'net Neutrality Is Obamacare For The Internet.' While Ted Cruz Continues To Be The Taylor Swift Of Not Getting Over Obamacare.

In Pakistan Anti-american Protesters Set A Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant On Fire. The Protesters Mistakenly Thought They Were Attacking High-ranking U.s. Military Official Colonel Sanders.

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

President Obama Is In China Now For An Economic Summit In Beijing. The President Wore A Traditional Purple Silk Shirt Along With Chinese President Xi Jinping And Vladimir Putin. That's After They Taught Putin How To Put A Shirt On.

Apple Is Apparently Building A Large Solar Energy Farm In North Carolina. And If There's Any Justice, The Minute They're Done Building It, God Will Introduce A Newer, Smaller Sun That's Not Compatible With Their Machinery.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Is Going To Israel. He's Going To Be Pretty Disappointed When He Finds Out The Gaza Strip Isn't A Steak.

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